Community Swingers (Review)
Directed by Jeff Bay
Community Swingers is a softcore flick from Torchlight Entertainment, and it is from the large large group of pictures Torchlight dumped onto the world the last half of the aughts. If you have seen any of these films, you will note that they are light in plot and heavy in long long sex sequences. Oddly enough, Community Swingers differs from a lot of them, as it is not directed by Francis Locke (instead, Jeff Bay is credited, and let’s pretend he’s Michael Bay’s brother because, why not?) and there are not many scenes shot either in the desert or at the local hotel near the desert. But it retains many of the hallmark signatures that have come to define Torchlight films, including the ever-present music of Blade Simpson. He’s better than Sword Family Guy, but not as good as Katana SouthPark.
Community Swingers is not a good film. It is barely a film. The sex scenes are long. And I mean LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! They go on forever! Stringing the sex scenes together are a few bits of actual plot, most of which is in scenes that last only a few minutes (or less than one minute in one example.) The plot itself is very simple and is resolved by someone just answering a question. So very simple. As the script was probably one page single-spaced in Word, all the sex scene padding was needed to hit the running time. The actresses in the film aren’t bad looking, the extra characters also don’t look terrible. The sets must have had a budget of less than $1000, and there are technical problems like the ever-present boom mike. The boom mike has more scenes than most of the actors. There is little information about the film online, no real cast list, and no real release date. The 2006 date is a guess based on the DVD release, but there is a 2003 copyright claim in the credits. Looks like we’ll have to call in the Scooby Gang to solve this mystery!
I’m sure some of you are used to softcore films that have plots, actual actors, and charming qualities, but forget all you know or think you know. This is the world of Community Swingers! Not everything is bad, Nina Dolci’s acting is amusing and completely inconsistent (a good director could probably get a great performance out of her) and some of the sex sequences pull of their jobs of being erotic or hot, even if they get bogged down by the length. Though I can’t in good conscience give this high marks, I wouldn’t hold back people from watching it, I would just inform them as the what they would encounter when watching, which might even let them enjoy the film more if they don’t expect it to be something that it isn’t. As for the film, let’s get started swinging around the community!
We get a simple Windows Movie Maker opening credits, the Discount Puppet Explosion videos credits are more advanced, but as many of these films stick with simple credits it is no big deal. I’m not complaining, just bored. And complaining.
Elaina just likes lounging around in her see-through clothes reading Playboy (a women after my own heart,) when she’s distracted by the loud noises coming from her neighbor’s apartment. Somehow he is making loud banging noises while flipping big sheets of paper around, which means he has unknown and useless skills. At this point my wife said he was probably an artist, and it turned out he was, so the riddle of Community Swingers was solved within one minute.
Elaina is snooping to the sounds of next door via a glass at the wall, and is spoiled by a phone call. It is her friend Jackie, and Jackie is all set to go to a male strip club. Elaina is too busy wanting to clean her place, but Jackie wants her pipes cleaned, so Elaina invites her over. At this point I’ll tell you that you see the boom mike in both the shots of Elaina in her condo and the shots of Jackie in her apartment!! Double boom mike failure!!
Jackie comes over, and Jackie tells how she is almost dating a male stripper. Almost. He gave her two tickets for tonight’s show, then the two girls imagine it for a second, which turns them on. And when these girls are turned on, they are like the engines of a Hummer – demanding lots of fuel. The fuel here is everybody’s favorite…..lesbian sex!!
Lesbian sex is a certified biofuel, and is totally green.
The sex stars at 4 minute in and ends at 20 1/2 minutes in. That means we had a 16 1/2 minute sex scene. Someone has knocked Seduction Cinema off their pedestal of long sex scenes!
In post-lesbian sex bliss, the pair hear more noises from next door, so they decide to listen at the wall with glasses some more. Because some of you care, for some reason Elaina is wearing her underwear. Jackie just wants to knock on his door to find out what is going on, because Jackie wants straight answers. Elaina is apprehensive, but Jackie makes her do it anyway.
Neighbor Lance Taylor says he is an artist, so we get a throwaway line about how an artist made a million dollars selling some piece at an auction last month. Could that have been Lance? Duh! Lance apologizes about the noise and shuts the door. Lance can’t be bothered by hot chicks at the door.
“He was fine until I said he was noisy!” – Jackie
Let’s go to the strip club! The male strip club! By strip club I mean the local Italian bistro that is trying very hard to pass as a male strip club despite the total lack of extras, a stage, or even the atmosphere of a strip club. This is the oddest choice of a set I have ever seen. But it does have a boom mike!
To prove it is a strip club, Jackie waves a dollar bill and a black guy with no shirt comes over, dances for a second, and takes the money and goes (back to operating the boom or the light, probably.) Elaina is wearing a bikini top, because that’s what girls wear to male strip clubs. Jackie tells the waitress to get the dancer Lucas, he comes over to offer a free lapdance! Wow, it is like double coupon day or something!
So Jackie and the stripper Lucas go to the exceptionally well-light champagne room, and by that I mean somebody’s spare bedroom that was partially turned into a bar. This homeowner needs to water their flowers….
Jackie pulls out some bills, but Lucas just tosses them on the table and they get it on. Oddly enough, this sex scene is pretty erotic. At the end, he tucks the bills into her undies! Ha! That sex scene was 17 minutes long, making it the longest in the film!
“Well it took you long enough!” first line of Elaina after Jackie gets back! Elaina is saying what we’re all thinking.
Elaina mentions how she just likes chicks so all the dudes here are not interesting. What could she have been doing for the 17 minutes Jackie was gone? Jackie calls over the waitress again…who is allowed to get frisky with the customers! Said customer is Elaina, and the waitress takes her to a room for some lesbian sex. The room has covered furniture, while the music plays a song that sounds vaguely like the Spindoctor’s Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong. I know this stock music song because it plays on HGTV on multiple shows as background music during renovations! So they are pulling from the public domain music library? Just waiting for David Bromstad to come in and color splash the walls while Candice Olsen declares it divine.
The scene between the sex scenes was less than a minute long, and something must be wrong because this sex scene was only 11 minutes long!
More noises from the neighbor, Jackie says “Girlfriend, we’re gonna get to the bottom of this!” Elaina dismisses Jackie’s theory of Lance being a serial killer due to the fact he’s hot. That will hold up in court! So Elaina and Jackie then decide to go for a walk in the hallway of the hotel—I mean, the apartment complex they live in, and notice a hot girl also walking in the hallway headed to Lance’s place. Jackie points at her and Elaina shrugs her at her! This new hot girl must be as blind as Anne Frank to not notice them, but she doesn’t until they go up to her and ask about the noise. The hot girl is all “What?” then tells them to mind their own beeswax and take a hike.
Inside Lance’s apartment, the hot girl complains about the neighbors to Lance. We find out she is Vickie, his agent. Lance asks for help “moving the body,” and the spying Jackie burst out “What?” loud enough to be heard through the walls. Lance and Vickie then have sex, because strange neighbors is an aphrodisiac, don’t you know? Whoever the actress playing Vickie is, she has bruises all over her legs and one on her breast. With double-digit length sex sequences you notice this stuff. This one is 14 minutes long, there is music for the first 12 minutes and then just actors moaning for the last two minutes, which is actually pretty nice, but by then most people who would be watching this late at night on Skinimax would have already finished and flipped back to SportsCenter.
After the whole sex thing is done, Jackie says she is going to the police. So she listened to the whole 14 minutes of sex? As soon as Jackie leaves, Lance comes over to Elaina’s apartment and she invites him. He says he is the million dollar artist.
Let me show you this statue of a naked woman that has a body shape nothing like yours and tell you that you were my inspiration! It will totally get me laid, I do it all the time. My name is Lance, I’m an artist.
Oh no, the cops! Lead by Jackie! One of the cops can barely contain his laughter as they declare it a prank call. The best part is the cops burst in, not from the hallway, but another room (as the interiors are filmed in someone’s house) and in the background you can see the refrigerator with baskets on it that was in the previous scene in Elaina’s apartment! They filmed both scenes in different apartments in adjoining rooms at the same house! After the cops and Jackie leave, Elaina has sex with Lance, because lesbianism is cured by millionaires. This final sex scene is 16 minutes long, and that ends the film! Who wants to bone a millionaire? Elaina does!
Let’s ignore that the hallway is the kitchen from a previous scene…
Rated 2/10 (Dead flowers, money belt)
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