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InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Emmanuelle in Hong Kong

December 6, 2012By

Emmanuelle in Hong Kong

aka 香港艾曼紐之獸性培欲 aka Heung Gong ngaai maan nau ji sau sing pui yuk

2003
Written by Emmanuelle 71
Directed by Dick Lau Tin-Sze

Emmanuelle in Hong Kong
Sometimes a cigar represents so many things Freud needs to do some cocaine to calm down, okay???

Hey, you got Eyes Wide Shut on my Story of O! And you got Story of O on my Eyes Wide Shut! And everyone is Chinese and named Emmanuelle for some reason… Thus from this unlikely scenario we have the origin of a really disgusting Reeses product. And also Emmanuelle in Hong Kong!

Don’t be fooled, Emmanuelle in Hong Kong has nothing to do with any of the Emmanuelle series, neither the regular, black, yellow, in space, 2000, vs. Dracula, or any other random series. It is simply a name grab. And by the names of certain producers (Cary Grant!!) they are hiding behind the fake names themselves. Four films seem to have been produced at the same time by the same team, using many of the same actors. My Horny Girlfriend is another one in the series. This is looking more and more like the same model used now for the most recent Emmanuelle series! Unlike a lot of Category III trash that came out at the same time, at least some of these films attempt to do something interesting, even if it is largely copying other media and failing spectacularly. We at TarsTarkas.NET support effort.

Emmanuelle in Hong Kong
Nerdy Hef and Green Beret Phantom plan their next party

Emmanuelle in Hong Kong is another of the films produced by “Cary Grant”, a pseudonym so obvious I’m surprised they didn’t just go with Elvis Presley. And let’s not get in to the fact the script was written by “Emmanuelle 71”. The director, on the other hand, we will get into a little. Dick Lau Tin-Sze only helmed six titles, but he managed to helm a wide variety of smut, some of which stands out far and beyond the similar Category III films from the same period. Emmanuelle in Hong Kong was his first film released, followed by Erotic Agent II, then Sex and the Central, Sexy Soccer, Raped By an Angel 5, and finally The Undercover Madams, which has one of the most complex plots I’ve seen in a Category III film and I would even argue it borders on being a halfway decent flick. I don’t know if Dick Lau was a fake name that someone used in rotation or if he was just someone who dabbled in exploitation cinema under Matrix Productions Company and has since gone back to real estate or something. In any event, we wish him well.

Emmanuelle in Hong Kong
This has become one of the most creepy films of all time…

Dr. Yan Lam (Eddie Lam Kim-Fung) – Frustrated jerk husband who is the least understanding psychologist in the universe. Because his wife is experiencing emotional trauma he ships her off to be raped in the name of sexual freedom. Then he gets even more creepy. Somehow, that is possible. Eddie Lam is a prolific Category III actor, and will probably dethrone Elvis Tsui as the king of Cat III if he keeps it up.
Emily (Crystal Suen Ah-Lei) – Dr. Lam’s long-suffering wife, who had a miscarriage and has been depressed ever since. Her husband’s romantic gestures like trying to forcibly rape her have not helped, so she gets kidnapped and tortured.
Joyce (Akeno Junko) – Emily’s sister who has problems of her own, as she had frequent memory loss while nude and is secretly involved in rich people orgy cults. You know, normal problems.
Mr. K (???) – Mysterious leader of the Emmanuelle Orgy Cults, at least until it looks like a new Emmanuelle has risen through the ranks by the end of the flick. I have no clue who he is or why he wears a Phantom mask the entire film. Where is Mr. Y and Mr. Jelly?
Angel (Grace Lam Nga-Si) – Grace Lam is in this??? As a nun??? Who has a seperate side plot that does nothing and goes nowhere? Okay!
Emmanuelle 50 (Ami Sakurai) – It’s like the writer (Emmanuelle 71!) decided to name every character after him/herself or something! Another member of the sex club who Dr. Lam takes a shining to while his wife is getting the treatment.
Emmanuelle in Hong Kong
I’ll be having NUN of that Emmanuelle stuff!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

My Horny Girlfriend

December 6, 2012By

My Horny Girlfriend

aka Big波誘惑 aka Big bo yau waak

2002
Written by Lee Hai
Directed by Patrick Leung Saan-Bok

My Horny Girlfriend
None of these other women made their bathing suit out of old jeans…

What do you do when you get a Category III film that tries to become a serious drama about malaise of modern life, finding yourself, depression, romance, swimming, and being contrarian just to show up cute guys on vacation? Not wonder why it is a mess, but wonder if the mess is worth checking out. The answer to that is more of if you are used to or willing to deal with Hong Kong Category III drama nonsense. It’s the kind of film that you can find acted and written a dozen times better all over the vcd shelves, but those films will also follow a predictable pattern. My Horny Girlfriend takes more risks by taking less risks. That’s a true statement, because there is a story buried beneath a bunch of junk, but also a lot of fan service that probably came from a clipboard list of what to do.

Grace Lam spends most of the film in a pouty mood, never happy. Not fun to be around at all. So that makes her the perfect leading lady! Her character is clearly suffering from some sort of depression, and she’s not the only one in the film. But she is the character with depression who still goes out and does stuff. And while some of her motives are unethical at best, the interaction, going outside, and just being around other people who aren’t just using her for sex helps Grace grow into a better, fuller person.

My Horny Girlfriend
Hello? Nothing, what are you doing?

In fact, almost every female character in My Horny Girlfriend has some sort of mental issues making them depressed. The only character who isn’t is Pamila, and her personality is extreme in the opposite end where she’s always perky and down for anything. But she also uses sex as a weapon to teach “lessons” to women she doesn’t like. Pamila is the most manipulative character, and her humongous labido drives the plot as much as Grace’s fumbling attempts to continue to get her way in an environment that doesn’t hold her hand. Pamila is a big fish version of what personality Grace is, and her more bubbly personality opens doors and gives her powers that Grace’s sour tone can’t match.

Besides the nudity, the film also features lots of girls in bikinis. Almost every character is in a bikini or less for 90% of their screen time, even the men are often in swimming suits. The director and writer are probably pseudonyms, while producer Cary Grant obviously is. Grant’s other three films are Emmanuelle in Hong Kong, Forbidden Wet Tales, and Tortured Sex Goddess of Ming Dynasty. After that, he either switched fake names again or left the movie business with empty pocketbooks. Who knows? Only “Cary Grant” and possibly the ghost of Cary Grant, who was haunting “Grant” as revenge.

My Horny Girlfriend
Not now, my ninja headband slipped down!

Grace (Grace Lam Nga-Si) – A modern working girl, who is porking her disgusting boss for promotions in a decidedly unmodern fashion. After he sends her on vacation as a reward, she spends the entire time pouting, angrily wanting a man she can’t have, and angry at a stupid lesbian who she ends up having sex with several times regardless. Her anger and her libido combine to form a double-team of sexploitation stereotypes.
Gordon (Oscar Lam Wai-Kin) – Lifeguard Gordon just saves women from drowning all day, many of which then become lifeguards in his training school. Gordon is weird. Cult leader weird. If you ever hear about dozens of lifeguards committing suicide, you know who to blame!
Pamila (Yumi Ohsako) – Hello, there! Have you seen my breasts? They are huge. Gigantic. Massive melons! I have no character development, but I do manage to get these breasts popped out all throughout the film. Breasts. Big ones. On me! I’m dubbed because they outsourced the big breasts to Japan. I’m also a lesbian, with huge bazoongas! Did I mention that? The film will…
Eddie (Eddie Lam Kim-Fung) – Swimming fan with an old leg wound, which makes him have bad swimming form. He’s an old friend of Gordon, as they were on the swim team together as kids. Gordon dumps him with Grace to get rid of her.
Dawn (Bessie Chan Ming-Kwan) – Dawn runs the bar at the beach where the cast hangs out between sex scenes. She carries a fish around in a beer mug all the time. Is depressed and being stuck in a film called My Horny Girlfriend doesn’t help her depression one bit!
My Horny Girlfriend
I had a nightmare I was in a movie called “My Horny Girlfriend”!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad

November 22, 2012By

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad


2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
Did I leave the Bikini Frankenstein machine on?

Whenever there is trouble, and it is double (double-Ds, that is!), the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad will be there! Three girls solve cases and bust bad guys while wearing outfits that will make you blush…if they bother to wear outfits, that is! Charlie may have his angels, but those films were terrible and let’s not even talk about the reboot series. The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad does more than just be a Charlie’s Angels knockoff with a title borrowed from a hit novelty song, it’s also a commentary on the decline of the Playboy enterprise.

The Tony Tefler character and the Playpen magazine and empire are clearly based on Hugh Hefner and Playboy (duh!), and they lampoon both Hef’s old age and his dalliances with a series of younger women (seen most famously on The Girls Next Door show, but also pretty famous without the show.) In the beginning, Hefner arose from his magazine creation beginnings to become a free speech advocate, largely due to photographing naked women being considered obscene in many parts of the US back in the furious 50s. Playboy grew into a classy and hip thing that world-minded trendy people read while listening to jazz and hosting serious parties where the civil rights movement and women’s lib were discussed by people in berets. At least that is how I imagine the 60s and 70s, though there was probably awesome music and piles of drugs. Playboy even had their own TV show.

Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
YOU vaccum the living room!

But the rise of the moral majority, Reagan’s America, the resurgance of conservatism, it threw that hip stuff out the window. In addition, there was also the rise of pornography, in the 70s porn films were playing in mainstream art house theaters. Things came crashing down, the rise of the video culture and late night cable took some of the wind out of the sails. Playboy became replaced by men’s mags such as Maxim and their copycats in the 90s, while at the same time they were losing out online as porn became freely available with but a click and a lie about being over 18. Playboy lost the innovation it had, it’s place as the figurehead for a movement eclipsed.

Is there a place for classy pictures in the age of internet pornography? I’m sure there is, but by not getting ahead of the game, Playboy is fighting an uphill battle. The reality show boosted their stock more than anything recently, but that ended like all good things must. And with it, Playboy’s current cultural impact. It remains to be seen what the future of Playboy will hold, especially as Hefner clocks up there in years and will eventually clock out. Playboy always hold a fond memory for millions of pervs around the world. I remember even buying an issue of Playboy for the article, an interview with Jesse Ventura right after he was elected governor.

Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
On the guy’s shirt?  Elvis!

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad hits all of the notes that critics of the Playboy brand have been hinting at. From the producer who wants to make more harder stuff, to the legions of ex-girlfriends of Hefner, to even Hef’s viagra usage, the points are all laid out. Fear not, as the film is not overly preachy, the Hefner character is even the victim, despite being portrayed in an unsympathetic light. If anything, that makes The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad more realistic than many episodes of Law & Order.

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad is another Synthetic Filmwerx joint! Werx it if you got it.

Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
Occupy Teenie Weenie Bikini Street!

Sandy Banner (Brandin Rackley) – The main investigator of The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, Sandy will always get her man in the end, even if it means he gets her in the end first!
Jasmine St. James (Michelle Maylene) – The youngest member of the squad who is an expert at under cover and being under the covers. Becomes strangely excited about her undercover model career.
Nikki Resnick (Kylee Nash) – The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad member most likely to believe Weekly World News headlines. Yeah, I made a reference to a dead publication in a review of a movie that mocks another dying publication. It’s called “being awesome”!
Benny (Mike Gaglio) – The boss of the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, and a real slave driver. Benny needs to learn that there is a time for work and a time for vacation.
Tef (Ted Newsom) – Tony “Tef” Tefler, owner of Playpen magazine and noted scumbag. But he’s a scumbag with money and bad things are happening against him, so he’s the client. Cue “The Client” appearing below his picture ala Burn Notice. I have said it before, and will say it again: Ted Newsom rules.
Laura (Kelli McCarty) – Tef’s top photographer, former Playpen girl, and former flame. She both despises her former lover and wishes she had his attention again.
Mo (Beverly Lynne) – All the best bartenders are named Mo(e). Another former Tef flame and Playpen girl who now works in an out of the way part of his empire, and is unacknowledged to her resentment.
Frank Devlin (Evan Stone) – The jerk who manages the Playpen Club. He’s desperate to escape his contract with Tef to start his own hardcore company, but he’s stuck tight. Unless Playpen goes under…
Rico Martinez (Tony Marino) – Oh. That guy.
Burt (Nick Manning) – Frank’s goon who does his breaking and entering work. Also does entering work for explicit videos. High five, that was a joke worthy of an ALF rerun!
Dancer (Jade Starr) – Are we human, or are we dancer?
Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
This Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire remake is weird!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Samantha’s Sexy Summer

November 20, 2012By

Samantha’s Sexy Summer


2006
Written and directed by Francis Locke

Samantha's Sexy Summer
Can you hear me now?

Another Torchlight Picture that takes place mostly in the middle of the desert! Except they have ditched the random archaeology or photography themes and instead are using a vacation theme. National Lampoon’s Desert Vacation. But don’t worry, this has all the Torchlight Picture/Francis Locke motifs:

  • The desert
  • A run-down hotel
  • A long shower sequence in the run-down hotel
  • Sex scenes bordering on 15 minutes long
  • Dialogue in-between said sex sequences bordering on 2 minutes long
  • Music by Blade Simpson

The pair of women in Samantha’s Sexy Summer have more silicone and collagen injections than an entire baseball team of Tiger Woods mistresses. And since the both play their identical twin sisters, it’s a quad dose of fake boobs!

Samantha's Sexy Summer
Feel the sexy summer!

Samantha (Tabitha Stevens) – a desert-obsessed vacationer who is sort of searching for the friends she’s meeting there along with Raycene, but they keep getting distracted by all of their lesbian sex.
Raycene (Frankie Dashwood) – Brought along with Samantha to the desert where they both search for their identical twins and Marty. If they can keep their hands off each other!
Marty (Jourdain Lefue) – Marty once had a fling with Samantha in the desert, forming Samantha’s new-found desert fetish. Now he’s back with Samantha and Raycene’s sisters.
Dean (Tabitha Stevens) – Samantha’s twin sister who is totally identical to Samantha in every way, including tattoos. The only difference is Samantha wears her hair down instead of a pony tail!
Raycene’s Twin Sister (Frankie Dashwood) – Raycene’s Twin Sister never even gets a name, and never wears clothes. The only difference between the siblings is her hair is up while Raycene’s is down.
Samantha's Sexy Summer
If you ask “Can you hear me now?” one more time, I’ll hunt you down and gut you!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sexual Quest

October 25, 2012By

Sexual Quest


2011
Written by Who Knows? No one is credited
Directed by Austin Brooks

Sexual Quest
You cashed out our 401k’s to buy WHAT???!

One thing you don’t see at all in softcore films are minority men. While the women may be every color under the sun (though black women are far less common), the men are almost always white, and the leads are always white. Not only does Sexual Quest break the mold, but it does it in the most smashing way by having an Asian male as the lead. And beyond that, an Asian male in a stable relationship with an Asian female who has multiple sex scenes. I can literally count on two fingers the amount of Asian males I’ve seen in softcore flicks in sex scenes (and both of them were villains with a lone sex scene!) Asian males get the short shift in general in media when it comes to sexuality, so it is good to see that they are making strides into all areas, even if it is one film at a time.

Sexual Quest
Who says I have a drinking problem??

Beyond the breaking ground of casting, Sexual Quest isn’t even written to be progressive racially. It’s just a normal couple film, the couple just happens to be Asian. The couple Jamie and Adam are normal people in a normal relationship, and they have normal feelings and emotions. They act like a real couple, with interactions involving spats and those little arguments you have from time to time. The naturalistic dialogue isn’t improvised (which is painfully obvious from time to time), which makes the lack of a credited writer upsetting. Sexual Quest is a great couple’s flick, the couple in the film cares for each other and their feelings, and work together to make their marriage work. As much fun as it is to watch the softcores involving alien chicks collecting milk jugs full of sperm for their home planet, sometimes it’s good to watch a film that can appeal to a larger demographic. And it gives enough sex scenes that even those who are watching for just one thing late at night on Cinemax won’t have to wait long for the action to start.

Sexual Quest is a journey. Yes, a sexual journey, but not one where people just start having sex with anything that crosses their path. This is a journey of a couple, as they work to explore their relationship and both expand their areas sexual experience and discovery while still respecting the boundaries of the other member of the couple. They work as a team, doing things that is slightly outside their comfort zones to try to please the other person. Often, they find they like the new experiences, but even as this couple has a lot of sex, they aren’t total freaks or anything. They could be any random couple. The vanilla background makes the quest more believable, and makes the eventual conclusion on what their fantasies lead too all the more real.

Sexual Quest
These Cosmo sex tips are just a list of menu items from Denny’s!

Jamie (Charmane Star) – Wife of Adam who helps come up with the idea of the sexual bucket list in order to spice up their sex life. Charmane Star is an adult actress that you may have seen in Wicked Fourgy of Whorror, Baby Doll Lesbian Orgies, or Operation Just Cooze.
Adam (James Kwong) – Jamie’s husband and co-conspirator of the sexual bucket list. James Kwong does nightclub work.
Kerry (Ann Marie Rios) – Kerry is Jamie’s friend who is going through relationship problems as her boyfriend is busy having sex with other women. You may have seen Ann Marie Rios in such fine adult fare as Lesbian Halfway House, Pretty Prisoners of Chloro Conspiracies, or Battle of the Hogtied Maids
Grant (Duane Carter) – Adam’s friend who becomes a tag-along on the fantasy list so he can live vicariously through his married friend. Isn’t it usually the opposite in these films?
Mike (Dean Black) – Bartender, lover, husband…Mike wears many hats, even though he doesn’t wear a hat in the actual film. Married to Cheryl, but the marriage is more open than arms in a Creed song.
Cheryl (Victoria White) – Blonde woman who is married to Mike, but has sex with many people who aren’t Mike, as their relationship is open. That’s about the extent of her personality. Adult actress Victoria White is also in the fine films This Ain’t Hollywood Squares XXX, Sexy! Naked!, Bound!, and Naked Tickle Passion.
Sexual Quest
Distort-o-arms!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Girls Unbutton

September 29, 2012By

Girls Unbutton

aka 不扣鈕的女孩 aka Bu kou niu de nu hai

1994
Written by Lam Chiu-Wing
Directed by Taylor Wong Tai-Loi

Girls Unbutton is a story about a woman’s search for love. Along the way she gets naked a lot, as do her friends, so it’s all good! A lot of people now compare it to Sex and the City, but Girls Unbutton came out years before that series. It’s spiritual predecessors are those European erotic journey films where they are narrated by the young lady who has a string of lovers until she finds the one that is best. There was a whole host of these in the 70s, though the genre seemed to peter out in the 80s. Many also featured internal dialogue in the form of diaries (as some were based on actual books!), and the diary aspect is carried over for Girls Unbutton. But not entirely, Jenny has two friends with ideas of their own about love and men, thus giving us external dialogue and conflict and nudity.

Despite the fact it appears to be nothing more than sleazy Category III that hastily straightened up the room before mom barged in, Girls Unbutton actually has seeds of an idea of a better film. It almost does a good job looking into the ins and out of relationships, of a woman’s search for love. But Jenny is thrust into various ridiculous scenarios that quickly take the winds out of the sails for a serious and good movie. Girls Unbutton is its own worst enemy. But also its greatest strength. Just the very fact the producers tried to do something makes it a cut above a lot of the slop. And Girls Unbutton is entertaining.

This is a Loletta Lee vehicle, so the plot revolves around her as our heroine Jenny. Jenny has a busy love life, but each relationship is not right for her. Will she ever find true love? Is there a Mr. Right? Will she and her friends be wearing any clothes in the next scene? We shall find out! This was the last film directed by Taylor Wong Tai-Loi, the talented director and fan of old school Cantonese flicks, which he showed his love with in Buddha’s Palm (1982) and Kung Fu Vs. Acrobatic (1990).

Jenny (Loletta Lee Lai-Chun) – Jenny is a modern girl searching for love in a land of duds and duddier duds. What’s a girl to do when everyone sucks or dies quickly?? Lounge around naked and write in your diary. Heck yeah! Loletta Lee was also in Summer Lover
Kate (Mikie Ng Miu-Yee) – Jenny’s friend who wants her to be a strong woman in love, which basically means being a horrible person. Mikie Ng Miu-Yee was awesomely sexual and dangerous in the vastly underrated Rock on Fire, but soon vanished to obscurity. She is sometimes credited as Wu Mia Oyi.
Jenny’s Friend Number Two (Hung Yuk-Laan) – Friend Number Two is such a good friend, she doesn’t even have a name. You don’t need one in the world of friends! Friend Number Two is just as friendly as Friend Number One, Kate. And just as naked!
Lung Mao (Elvis Tsui Kam-Kong) – Triad Boss who has a relationship with Jenny. Dies in battle.
Pong Kwong-Yim (David Siu Chung-Hang) – Politician who becomes the next failed relationship in Jenny’s life, though he doesn’t want to leave her life.
Ho (Leung Si-Ho) – The guy who is right for Jenny, for reasons not really stated, but he just is. You can tell by looking at him!
Ho’s Sister (Fan Oi-Git) – She never gets a name, and has a passion for losing her clothes accidentally. And she parades around he brother in a string bikini that covers less than dental floss!

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