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InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Vampire Vixens (Review)

January 25, 2006By

Vampire Vixens


2003
Starring
Mia Copia (Tina Krause) as Dracoola
AJ Khan as Diane Shelton
John Fedele as Wally Van Helsing
Misty Mundae as A Lesbian
Elizabeth Hitchcock
Zack Snygg as Eugene
Directed by John Bacchus

Seduction Cinema pumps out film after film each year, all with the same formula: A loosely defined plot that spoofs a popular film happens haphazardly around half a dozen or so lesbian sex scenes that average seven minutes or so. This film….follows that formula. The second entry into their filmography on our site (That 70’s Girl was the first) complete with the important details: Misty Mundae and AJ Khan. Mainly, Misty Mundae for the name draw, but AJ Khan pulls in the fans of the minor characters like myself. John Bacchus continues his streak of Seduction Cinema films with what is a follow-up to the 1998 film Vampire Seduction. Or so the intro tells us, I’ve never seen the original. Because the film has a plot so simplistic it was probably suggested by a local kindergartener, the film needs all the padding it can get, and if some of that padding is in the bras that quickly drop to the floor off of the supporting cast, so much the better. The two male characters seem to be competing for the title of Nerdiest Nerd, and both would be declared winners. It’s fun in a goofy way to watch them overact so much they travel back in time. Trust me, that comment makes sense when you’ve seen the film. The title villainess is Dracoola, who was from the previous film. She must also exist in plural form, because the movie promises “Vampire Vixens” yet Dracoola is the only Vampire. There are plenty of other vixens, so it is conceivable that one or two of them just happen to be vampires as well, but the subject is never brought up. Therefore, the movie does not deliver on it’s title promise. When I see Transformers, I see Transformers; when I see Crash, I see some crashes (both versions); when I see Robocop, I see someone who is part man, part machine, all cop. Don’t tempt me with false promises.

That 70s Girl
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

That 70’s Girl (Review)

July 10, 2005By

That 70’s Girl


2003
Starring
Misty Mundae as Petal
Julian Wells as Ashleigh
Kelli Summers (Suzi Lorraine) as Jennifer
AJ Khan as Mandy
John Link as Househunter

Misty Mundae has become synonymous with soft-core lesbian sex flicks that are spoofs of popular culture. Her and Seduction Cinema seem to pump out five or six a year, probably produced over a period of three days each. This one doesn’t even seem to have taken three hours to make. The pattern of goofy jokes followed by lesbian sex is fine in practice, but several times in this movie the jokes in between last one sentence, to be followed by fifteen minute long sex scenes that are played on quarter speed. The fact that Misty Mundae pumps out five of these a year, many with much better production values, jokes, and scenes of women aardvarking in groups of twos, threes, and eighty-sevens, hurts this film, and the fact it clocks in at under 50 minutes long is another strike. The charm of this film is if you find the hippie lifestyle and That 70s Show attractive enough that you want to see the Skinimax version.

Wild Things 3
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough (Review)

June 25, 2005By

Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough


2005
Starring
Sarah Laine as Marie Clifford (Rich Girl)
Sandra McCoy as Elena Sandoval (Bad Girl)
Linden Ashby as Detective Michael Morrison
Ron Melendez as Dr. Chad Johnson (Forensics Guy)
Dina Meyer as Kirsten Richards

Remember that movie Wild Things, which had a bunch of plot twists and murder? Oh, so you only remember the threesome scene. Well, good news for you. This is the same movie. There are a few differences, indeed, but they basically just renamed all the characters. Instead of Denise Richards or Neve Campbell, we get Susan Ward and Leila Arcieri. Who are they? Well, they work for cheap, that’s who they are! ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR!!

Sorry about that. Wild Things 3 is so similar to Wild Things 2 that I almost wrote the same review. I probably could get away with it, since they used almost the same script. Except they must have used a photocopier that was low on ink, so a few pages were faded and they filled in the rest with their big named star, Dina Meyer, who fills in the role of “someone who has actual acting talent” that was provided by Isaiah Washington in WT2. I’d call the writers a bunch of thieves, except they stole from themselves as they are guilty of writing WT2, and are moving on to write Single White Female 2, which the world needs, as Single White Female had so many unanswered questions. “Will she be single forever?” “Will she be white forever or get reversed Michael Jackson disease?” and “Will we get more movies where people are killed by high heeled shoes?” These modern day heroes are going to answer some of the questions that have plagued mankind for a decade.

Wild Things 2
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Wild Things 2 (Review)

June 24, 2005By

Wild Things 2


2004
Starring
Susan Ward as Brittney Havers (The Rich Girl)
Leila Arcieri as Maya King (The Bad Girl)
Linden Ashby as Detective Michael Morrison
Isaiah Washington as Terence Bridge

Remember that movie Wild Things, which had a bunch of plot twists and murder? Oh, so you only remember the threesome scene. Well, good news for you. This is the same movie. There are a few differences, indeed, but they basically just renamed all the characters. Instead of Denise Richards or Neve Campbell, we get Susan Ward and Leila Arcieri. Who are they? Well, they work for cheap, that’s who they are!

Passion in the SUn Girl and the Geek
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Passion in the Sun! (Review)

June 3, 2005By

Passion in the Sun!

aka The Girl and The Geek

1964
Starring
Josette Valague as Josette Valague
Dale Berry as Sgt. Mike Green
Mike Butts as The Geek
Dee Dent as Sans Souci girl
Rain Drop as Sans Souci girl
Dick Eason as Raul Ortiz

Back before we were blessed with Cinemax, HBO, VCRs, the Internet, and DVDs, if you wanted to see naked women, you had two choices. Either go to a burlesque house and lose your entire paycheck, or go to a dirty, dingy theater where scratchy prints of “nudie” movies and other schlock played and only be out the price of a seat, and your dignity. When I think about my father or grandfather having to resort to such lengths to see the fairer sex, I feel for them. I feel even more thanks to my viewing of Passion in the Sun!, a typical entry in the mindless nude movies of the time. Short on plot, short on voice acting (everything is dubbed in later), short on special effects, short on full frontal nudity (damn laws keep these films from going full monty), and short on your patience, Passion in the Sun! attempts to make up for these massive flaws by giving us long shots of the main character running and frolicking naked, action dance sequences taking place in the Sans Souci dancehall, monster action (if you can call this guy a monster, I’ve seen janitors that look more frightening), fistfights, and high speed chases.

Mummy's Kiss
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Mummy’s Kiss (Review)

May 28, 2005By

The Mummy’s Kiss


2003
Starring
Mia Zottoli as Ramsay Amun/Hor-Shep-Sut
Sasha Peralto as Ana Harwa/Princess Hat-Em-Akhet
George Thomas as Professor Carter Moore
Aysia Lee as Tina Kim
Richard Lynch as Dr. Wallis Harwa
Arthur Roberts as Osiris
Katie Lohmann as Isis

Shhhh!!! Be very very quiet! We’re sneaking downstairs to catch a glimpse of late night TV, since we’re tired of going to bed early. Luckily Step-father is asleep on the couch, so we can change channels without much trouble. Let’s see what’s on the pay channels tonight…HBO has Out For A Kill, Showtime is playing a Queer as Folk marathon…what’s this? The Mummy’s Kiss? I liked the first two Mummy movies, let’s give this one a whirl. Hey….SHE’S NAKED! WHOA!

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