The 33D Invader

aka The Fruit Is Ripe 33D aka 蜜桃成熟時33D aka Mi Tao Cheng Shu Shi 33D

2011
Directed by Cash Chin Man-Kei

33D Invader is like a 1990s Hong Kong Cat III comedy time traveled to 2011 and unleashed itself on the public. And because time travel plays a part in the plot of 33D Invader, perhaps that was the subtle message they were going for. The male characters are direct out of an 80s American sex film. We have the Nice Guy (Lawrence), the Nerd (Danson), the Fat Guy (Stephen), and the Other Guy who has no real personality but is there to fill out the group (Felix). The female characters range from blank slate to blank slate to blank slate with slightly bigger boobs. And though we’re given a quick introduction to them, it is hard to remember which one is loose and which one is a virgin when they’re all running around naked. Only Future and Jeana get any sort of personality, even Xucker No. 2 is nothing but a generic villain.

Granted, the audience isn’t people who care about the plot, it is people who care about seeing naked girls be naked.

It is hard to determine exactly what is going on, because 33D Invader is all over the map. Every sex scene is completely different in tone, from the sensual and erotic, to the rough and filthy, to the rape rape rape, to the gross, to the woman on woman, to the man drugged for sex by a woman, to the guy is so gross you want to hit fast-forward.

33D Invader was originally called The Fruit Is Ripe 33D, betraying its namesake origins as the next The Fruit is Ripe film. Like almost all of the prior films, it has nothing to do with any of the others and was given a namechange makeover. The first film was 1993’s Crazy Love, which featured Loletta Lee being naked. 1997 gave us the second film in the series, which was given the English title The Fruit Is Swelling. It featured Jane Chung Chun as a character named Peach who was given the Big treatment and grew up overnight in a universe where everyone seems to have sex at the drop of the hat. By 1999, they just literally translated the Chinese title of the next sequel, and thus we had The Fruit is Ripe 3, which was confusing for people like me who saw that at the video store (while renting everything in the Hong Kong section) and wondered where the other two parts were, not knowing that I’d already seen them (as there was little information available on Hong Kong film at this point.) The third film features actress Jay Fong Ching as an angel named Peach who has come to Earth to help some loser with his love life, and many people are naked.

The 33D part of The 33D Invader is the lost promise of it being in 3D like 3D Sex and Zen, which at the time of announcement was pouring in the dough. But when The 33D Invader showed up in theaters, it was as flat as a pancake. Coincidentally, some of the actresses…

But let’s hit the cast, and then dive into the plot!

Future (Macy Wu Qing-Qing) – Future comes from the year 2046 and is here to save the human race by getting knocked up by the guy with the best genes. She just has to avoid alien rapists and horrible gened humans who might get her preggers first. Future has magic powers, which are just computer implants of the 2046 equivalent of the iPods. I did like that they pointed that out instead of trying to make her magical. This is model Macy Wu Qing-Qing’s first film Lawrence (Chen Jyun-Yan) – Lawrence is our good guy with excellent genes who will soon become a deadbeat dad when he deposits sperm into Future’s vagina. Chen Jyun-Yan is a Taiwanese actor Jeana (Akiho Yoshizawa) – Jeanna likes Lawrence, he sort of likes her, but he doesn’t love her. She becomes jealous of Future. Akiho Yoshizawa is a Japanese pornographic actress and is nicknamed AV Stephy, because she sort of looks like Stephy Tang. If you squint. A lot. Xucker 1 (Kato Taka) – The lead alien sterilizing bastard Xucker No. 1 has followed Future to the past in order to rape the baby-making-ability out of her. Kato Taka is a Japanese porn star known as Goldfinger, and he is said to have appeared in over 5000 productions. You can buy replications of his hand to use for sexual activity if you want to. Xucker 2 (Hsueh Ya-Wen) – The other evil time-traveling alien. I can find sadly absolutely no information about Hsueh Ya-Wen online. Hawk (Law Kar-Ying) – Law Kar-Ying shows up for some reason playing Hawk the Bald Detective, which looks like some sort of throwback to old school Hong Kong cinema or something. I’m not sure what is going on here, but having a bald singing noir detective being forced into service of alien time travelers fits right in with everything else going on. Law Kar-Ying is also in Kung Fu Cyborg, Future X-Cops, and Adventure of The King.

Felix (Justin Cheung Kin-Seng), Stephen (Tsui Ho-Cheong), Danson (Andrew Kwok) – These three dudes spend the entire film trying to get it on with the three ladies below. They sort of succeed in the end. Mia (Lee Ko-Chu), Ceci (Chen Chih-Ying), Jane (Monna Lam) – Jeanna’s roommates. Mia is the virgin, Ceci sleeps with anything that moves and gets naked all the time, Jane “has fierce mouth”, but no real personality. Lee Ko-Chu and Chen Chih-Ying are Taiwanese actresses, while Monna Lam is a Hong Kong model