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InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Samantha’s Sexy Summer

November 20, 2012By

Samantha’s Sexy Summer


2006
Written and directed by Francis Locke

Samantha's Sexy Summer
Can you hear me now?

Another Torchlight Picture that takes place mostly in the middle of the desert! Except they have ditched the random archaeology or photography themes and instead are using a vacation theme. National Lampoon’s Desert Vacation. But don’t worry, this has all the Torchlight Picture/Francis Locke motifs:

  • The desert
  • A run-down hotel
  • A long shower sequence in the run-down hotel
  • Sex scenes bordering on 15 minutes long
  • Dialogue in-between said sex sequences bordering on 2 minutes long
  • Music by Blade Simpson

The pair of women in Samantha’s Sexy Summer have more silicone and collagen injections than an entire baseball team of Tiger Woods mistresses. And since the both play their identical twin sisters, it’s a quad dose of fake boobs!

Samantha's Sexy Summer
Feel the sexy summer!

Samantha (Tabitha Stevens) – a desert-obsessed vacationer who is sort of searching for the friends she’s meeting there along with Raycene, but they keep getting distracted by all of their lesbian sex.
Raycene (Frankie Dashwood) – Brought along with Samantha to the desert where they both search for their identical twins and Marty. If they can keep their hands off each other!
Marty (Jourdain Lefue) – Marty once had a fling with Samantha in the desert, forming Samantha’s new-found desert fetish. Now he’s back with Samantha and Raycene’s sisters.
Dean (Tabitha Stevens) – Samantha’s twin sister who is totally identical to Samantha in every way, including tattoos. The only difference is Samantha wears her hair down instead of a pony tail!
Raycene’s Twin Sister (Frankie Dashwood) – Raycene’s Twin Sister never even gets a name, and never wears clothes. The only difference between the siblings is her hair is up while Raycene’s is down.
Samantha's Sexy Summer
If you ask “Can you hear me now?” one more time, I’ll hunt you down and gut you!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Zero Woman: Dangerous Game

September 23, 2012By

Zero Woman: Dangerous Game

aka Zero Woman: Abunai yugi

1998
Written by Hidekazu Takahara, Takashi Kaneda, and Miyuki Takahashi
Based on the Manga by Toru Shinohara
Directed by Hidekazu Takahara

Duckface photos from before MySpace????

The Zero Woman films are a series of Japanese movies that revolve around a female government agent who operates as someone beyond the law, able to execute criminals when the system is failing. Based on a comic series (O-ka no onna by Toru Shinohara), the first film was 1974’s Zero Woman: Red Handcuffs, which has since become more of a cult item thanks to it being released on DVD. There were no Zero Woman films again until the 1990s, where the series was revived as more of an anthology, with each installment having a different director and lead actress starring a Rei. This allowed the directors to go however they wanted and gave each entry its own distinct flavor. But it also dealt with the realities of the no-budget direct-to-DVD world of the late 90s. Which means some of the entries are complete garbage. Some are also less than garbage. I’m happy to say, Zero Woman: Dangerous Game is less than garbage! The Zero Woman films through the 90’s are: Zero Woman: Final Mission (1995), Zero Woman 2 (1995), Zero Woman: Assassin Lovers (1996), Zero Woman: The Accused (1997), Zero Woman: The Hunted (1997), and this one, Zero Woman: Dangerous Game. There is also another movie from 2004 simply titled Zero Woman, and a follow-up Zero Woman R.

The Zero Woman concept is that there is a super-maxi-extreme-ultra-top-secret division of the police or something called Zero Division which is basically an old chief, a less old main investigator, and Rei, the woman they send to blow away evil criminals. We know something is up because you can’t divide by zero, thus their entire department’s name is there to make math majors enraged as they watch the DVDs. As these flicks are exploitative features, they have plenty of gun violence and naked chicks, but at least this one has some weird visuals and a gay subtext. It also has an awful DVD transfer, with a fuzzy grainy effect that makes the whole picture look faded.

Chieko Shiratori is a semi-famous Japanese model who had a couple of nude picture books and acted in a few films, then vanished to be married and have kids like a lot of these model/actresses do. She was known for her muscular-ish frame and strong silent-type acting. She looks like she is constantly playing a never-ending poker game.

Zero Woman: We got DVDs to sell!

Rei (Chieko Shiratori) – Employed in Tokyo Police Department’s top secret Zero Division. Is a lesbian in this one, but I don’t think she is consistently lesbian across the film canon. Blows away more criminals than the Death Wish guy.
Nana (Ichiho Matsuda) – Turncoat on the Yakuza because they treated her like crap. A spoiled mob princess who is also a pseudo-lesbian. Pseudo-lesbianism is the only thing that can melt Rei’s ice heart. Her feelings for Natsume cause her to return to the mob to extract vengeance, which results in her death.
Natsume (Terunori Miyazaki) – One of Kaneda’s loyal goons, but not so loyal he couldn’t stop from banging Kaneda’s girl Nana. Though he does end up sleeping with Kaneda as well. That is, before he’s turned into Natsume soup and eaten by Kaneda.
Kaneda (Masayoshi Nogami) – Mobster. Former lover of Nana, who has now turned on him. Doesn’t like love, thinks hate is a more honest emotion. Enjoys dressing in drag, dressing as a creepy clown, eating Natsume soup, and creeping out his mob goons. Gets blown away, Zero Woman style.
Zero Woman: Attorney at Law!
InBad, Movie Reviews

Cougar School

September 17, 2012By

Cougar School


2009
Written by Ellis Walkerson
Directed by Demitri Nessun

Great, I forgot my Cougar Trigonometry homework again…

There is a lot going on Cougar School beyond just your normal late night Cinemax softcore romp. How much of that is intentional and how much of it just sprung up out of my head is probably up to debate. But it’s going to get covered here regardless, because that’s how we roll at TarsTarkas.NET! Cougar School gets the term in its name from the older woman who date much younger men. But there is only one cougar in Cougar School, and she’s more of a cougar gold digger, looking for young rich men. Of course, this is due to an age issue of its own, she was dumped by her husband for a younger woman. Even more ironically, the Stepmom was herself the younger woman that broke up the husband’s prior marriage.

One interesting thing is actresses who are real life porn starlets degrading characters who are porn starlets in the film. The characters seem like they’ve become mouthpieces denouncing the very thing the actors saying the statements are. The association isn’t that having sex for money is bad, but being unselective in who you have sex with for money is the problem. Going out and seducing millionaires is better than being a porn star, and you can only seduce millionaires of a certain age limit, as Mammary Lane is also degraded for her attempted marriage to an 85 year old. It is an unspoken rule that you can’t be too greedy. There is a line, an invisible line, that must not be crossed. Mammary Lane crosses this line, and she must be punished. It isn’t about strict morals, it’s about going to far.

Before we begin, we need to chalk it up…

Stepmom doesn’t even get a name in the entire film. She doesn’t even need a name, she becomes a concept, beyond the person. She’s everyone’s stepmom, everyone’s gold digger, everyone’s cougar. She’s everyone who’s had to struggle, but had one asset that landed them on easy street, with the constant fear that they might go back to scraping and struggling. She’s also sympathetic, especially when compared to the new gold digger in town. The one painted as bad, because instead of enjoying her new found wealth she plans on squandering it. It’s responsible cougarism that is the goal here. While the film doesn’t try to paint Stepmom as an angel (Karen flatly states that she broke up her parents’ marriage), Mammary Lane is clearly the villain. Stepmom has the wisdom of time guiding her to a more moral choice, while Mammary Lane is still in the trenches, stabbing everything she can. The air of some sort of moral class warfare hangs heavy over Cougar School. What is the lesson that we should learn from class? And can anyone pay attention with all the naked nudity???

How do you like my Picasso Tic-Tac-Toe painting?

While writer Ellis Walkerson has no other credits, director Demitri Nessun is credited with some episodes of Co-Ed Confidential and the humorous softcore thriller Naked Lust, which has gotten some positive reviews, making it stand above its generic title. Nessun seems like he’s unwilling to just give us a standard boring flick, and wants to do more. What is also interesting is this might be a spinoff of the softcore series Co-Ed Confidential, as both Michelle Maylene and Brandon Ruckdashel play characters with the same name on that show.

They invested all their money in Bitcoins. Even we aren’t that desperate!

Karen (Michelle Maylene) – Young college student still finding her way in the world, but pretty sure the way she wants isn’t the way to the poorhouse. But will the way of love be stronger? Or will the way of the cougar be too much of a lure? Is dating Zack at the beginning of the flick, when she finds out her father is leaving her Stepmom for an awful woman.
Karen’s Stepmom (Sydnee Steele) – Stepmom broke up Karen’s parents’ marriage, but now is facing her husband running off with another woman. I think Justin Timberlake had a song about this… In any event, in order to secure her future, Stepmom must now bag a young rich stud. Or try to repair her marriage. Whatever’s sexier!
Zack (Brandon Ruckdashel) – Remember in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation when Clark put up a bajillion bulbs on the outside of his house? Well, imagine which one of those is the dimmest and you get Zack. Good natured, Zack won’t be the latest dotcom mogul, but he does love Karen.
Mammary Lane (Persia Pele) – Former porn star turned home-wrecking gold digger. She was going to marry an 85yr old billionaire, but he died at the altar. Now she has her eyes set on Karen’s Dad….’s pocketbook! Unless she can land a bigger fish!
Karen’s Father (Randy Spears) – Karen’s totally stable good influence father, who keeps running off with upgrade wives. This time he’s gone too far.
Susan (India Summer) – Karen’s friend from way back in her camper lesbian experimentation days. Susan needs a place to stay, and Karen is happy to oblige on the final days before they get kicked out as well.
Juan (Jarod Diamond) – Susan’s ex-boyfriend, though they seem to have feelings for each other. Will these two lovebirds get back together?
Hi, I’m here to deliver a cease and desist on behalf of all cougars everywhere…
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Baby Dolls Behind Bars (Review)

August 13, 2012By

Baby Dolls Behind Bars


2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Actual police uniform!

Once again we step into the wonderful world of films from late night Cinemax! And once again, it’s a Fred Olen Ray joint! Yes, Baby Dolls Behind Bars is more 2am camp for your viewing pleasure. Even though the company name on the door is now Synthetic Filmwerx LLC as opposed to Retromedia or American Independent Productions, the cast is the same gang and the locations and music are all familiar elements. These erotic parody Bikini flicks are the ultimate rep theater, reusing plots and actors to come up with interesting scenarios and B-movie inspired plotlines at a rapid pace that would kill many big money Hollywood production companies. It’s modern day movie magic, even studios like The Asylum or some of the SyFy Channel companies don’t reuse sets and actors so efficiently, nor are they as creative.

Of course, since these flicks feature people bumping uglies as their main attraction, they aren’t going to get all the high praise from the critics. But we here at TarsTarkas.NET will high praise whoever we damn well please! You can take your Tomato-meter and toss it out a window! Because the point of these films is to have a good entertaining time while also providing naked people engaging in recreational activities that involve nakedness, the added imagination and fun are a welcome addition and the reason it is so much fun to watch each installment.

And Catwoman fan fiction has hit the big time!

This time we jump into the world of Women in Prison flicks. Remember, this is a Bikini flick, so don’t expect one of them dirty, gritty women in prison flicks. This is a bubblegum camp women in prison flick style similar to Bikini Chain Gang. It’s still low budget. In fact, outside of the main actors, there are no extras at all, not even other prisoners or even guards at the prison! Must be minimum security. All the familiar elements that make these films so charming are there, including a plot that I expect Law & Order: SVU to rip off next season!

We have an entire collection of Fred Olen Ray Bikini flick goodies for you to also check out: Bewitched Housewives, Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, Bikini Airways, Bikini Royale, Bikini Frankenstein, Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite, Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros, Bikini Chain Gang, Bikini Pirates, and Dirty Blondes From Beyond. They feature the entire gauntlet of B-film scenarios and wacky goofiness, which means an actual plot to go along with the softcore shenanigans.

I’m just so….evil! I love it!

But enough about other films, it’s time to check out these Baby Dolls Behind Bars!

Sissy Dunlop (Jazy Berlin) – Ditzy police officer who does the right thing even if it angers the mayor’s family. She stands up to power and doesn’t let them get off above your fellow man. And she probably doesn’t even know they’re powerful. Her family is a poor mountain family like all police officers everywhere.
Matron Grell (Christine Nguyen) – Matron of the jail who will be giving Sissy a hard time while she’s doing hard time. Also possibly evil…
Maggie Grey (Erika Jordan) – The famous cat burglar (who probably enjoys being on hot tin roofs, if you know what I mean…) who has been caught but is somehow still stealing things. It is a mystery!
Jack Randolph (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – A defense attorney who becomes obsessed with freeing Sissy from her bonds and from her clothes.
Inspector Bill Hartford (Michael Gaglio) – Cop in charge of the undercover program to send Sissy to find out about Maggie’s dealings and thievings. I’m sure he’s on the level.
Judge Raymond Bean (Dale DaBone as Dale Rutter) – The most casual judge in the universe, and also one of the most crafty.
Baker (Jenna Presley) – She may seem like just a court stenographer, but she’s also a great planner and comes up with the megaplot to expose corruption!
Security Guard (Jade Starr) – The crafty security guard who takes down one of the world’s greatest thieves and still has some fun…
I’m no expert, but I think they should be wearing flip-flops in that communal shower…
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Janram (Review)

July 15, 2012By

Janram

aka Blind Moon aka จันทร์แรม

2004
Written by Varapon H. Phadungratna
Directed by Kirati Nak-Intanond

There’s a storm coming…a BLOOD STORM!!!

Janram is a Thai film from Niepce House, which is related to Natnalin Magazine, an art magazine from Thailan named after its founder, Natnalin Noimai, a photographer. The magazine has a heavy art bent, and the related features and enterprises on the website also trend towards the art direction. It did well enough that they started up a moving picture divsion to try to cash in on the Asian Horror craze that was sweeping the world in the early 2000s. From what I can tell, they produced only two films: Janram and Secret Room No.7, both released in 2004. Janram is heavily weighted to show visuals, visuals that have the appearance of the way fine art photographs would look in an arty black and white photoshoot. This is all well and good, but moving film is a different medium than still photography, so the correlation seems odd at times. It gives Janram a more high class feel, which strikes a stark contrast with what is actually happening in the story, with lesbian vampire schoolgirls.

Janram is based on a serialized story called Janram by Poomkamol Phadungratna that was incomplete at the time of filming. As Niepce House is a company set up by artists, the few films it made were more “artistic” than anything else. But they were also horror films, mostly so they could sell them overseas. This film is packed to the gizzards with weird stylized stuff – it has a washed out appearance most of the time, allowing for when there is blood for it to be bright bright bright red and contrast sharply with the rest of the film. Beyond that, there are random odd zooms and the camera is constantly moving like the cameraman was wearing rollerblades or something. As usual, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

The line for the midnight premiere of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 started before Part 1 hit the theaters!

The best part of this film was the two trailers before the film. One was of a haunted bra film – yes, haunted bra film. You see, if you put on this haunted bra, a ghost would appear and your bra would glow all yellow and you would be possessed by a ghost. Apparently women trade bras often, so dozens of women wear the haunted bra, which hunts down the people who killed and raped it’s original owner. Oddly enough, the English name for this film is Haunted Bra.

There was also a Naked Weapon knockoff film complete with crappy version of the Sharon Stone Basic Instinct leg crossing scene. The budget was about $4, but it’s probably at least as good as the real Naked Weapon. As far as I can tell, this doesn’t have an English name, but goes by นางฟ้า ต้องประหาร. If it ever gets back in print I’ll snatch up a copy for thrill of it all. Thanks to ThaiWorldView for helping me figure out the title!

Vampires also double as photo-negative safe lights for darkrooms!

Janram (Jintana Aromyen) – Just your average lesbian vampire schoolgirl who slowly eats all her lovers to death, yet doesn’t seem to realize that she’s killing all of them and gets depressed when they keep dying. But that doesn’t stop her from hooking up again and again with a constant parade of young lasses. The upper class Janram lives with her creepy grandma who is always silently craddling a doll and her mother. Actress Jintana Aromyen is also in Gonggoi: The Beast and 2004’s Ghost Dormitory
Ming (Maethinee Suwanjinda) – Janram’s lover who dies near the beginning of the film. Like you expect from a vampire flick, she returns very hungry and very upset that Janram has moved on to a new girl. It’s going to be a chick fight tonight!
Sassy (???) – As I couldn’t figure out her name, I just called her Sassy because she’s very sassy to everyone. Sassy has always hated Ming for reasons unknown, and she has no qualms on moving in on Ming’s territory once she dies. But then Ming comes back, but Janram now likes Sassy more… I think this is actress Bussakum Apithanarak but I am not sure.
I must stay away from the audio adaptations of Warhammer novels…but Gotrek and Felix can’t be resisted!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Bad Girls Doing Bad Things (Review)

July 13, 2012By

Bad Girls Doing Bad Things


2003
Written by Anora Leachim
Directed by Francis Locke

Sarah’s Living Room Bookstore was soon crushed by the Barnes & Nobles opening in her bathroom…

It’s time for yet another Torchlight Pictures/Francis Locke softcore production with a ridiculous plot and overly-long sex scenes! Bad Girls Doing Bad Things is about girls that are “good” girls attempting to dirty up their image to impress some random guy. Thanks to this instructional video, we now know what “bad” girls are – girls who watch people have sex in the club. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. So let’s get the other half going as we dive right in to Bad Girls Doing Bad Things!

If we were any badder, Michael Jackson would have sung a song about us!

Bad Girls Doing Bad Things is among the most fun of the Torchlight Pictures catalogue, largely due to the character of Keith ragging on the good girls for being so boring, and their lame attempts to be cool. It still has the Torchlight Pictures characteristics of overly-long sex scenes, minimal plot, and scenes shot in abandoned buildings or the director’s living room. Oddly enough, I didn’t spot a hotel room in the mix, unless the hallways that look like a parking garage were actually a hotel parking garage.

Besides being produced and directed by Francis Locke, Blade Simpson continues to provide music while the “written by” credits an “Anora Leachim” (obviously a real name and not someone’s name backwards!)

I’ll go ENTER in the EXIT door! It’s totally a bad girl thing to do!

Karen (August Arroya) – A good girl in a good world, but her world is shattered when Keith makes fun of her for being a dork! Can you believe it? So she decides to totally go bad, because that’s what happens in real life.
Keith Oswald (Remy)- He’s the bad guy who has come to teach these good girls how to be bad girls doing bad things. That way they can fit in with the title of the movie!
Janine (Serrano Rios) – A worker at Karen’s bookstore who is also a good girl despite evidence to the contrary. But because she’s so anal she drives men away, until she learns to be bad, which means having sex with Keith.
Rex (Scott Alexander) – The other guy in club whom you might know from Dirty Blondes. He’s just as good of an actor here as in Dirty Blondes, but at least they’re using him in a more useful way.
Scarlet (Teanna Kai) – Another Dirty Blondes alumnus, she is a bad girl. Like all bad girls, she loves the Power Glove because it is so bad. And also having sex in public.
Dawn (Jana Cova) – She’s just a random club member of Dungeon who has lesbian sex with Scarlet. Totally not a Dirty Blonde on vacation…
I object, this isn’t a bad thing at all!
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