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InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Zone Fighter Episode 11 – Kanippatsu Gojira-no Sakebi!

March 4, 2012By

Zone Fighter Episode 11 – Kanippatsu Gojira-no Sakebi!

aka In the Twinkling of An Eye: The Roar of Godzilla! aka In a Hair’s Breadth: The Roar of Godzilla!

1973
March of Godzilla 2012
Written by Kazuhisa Hattori
Directed by Jun Fukuda

Godzilla is back! And Gigan shows up to get murdered! Zone Fighter makes up for the lame monsters of the previous episode by giving us what we want, classic Toho monsters pounding the crap out of each other. And more Zone Fighter murderous monster rampage.

Godzilla grows increasingly bored in these lopsided fights, he now only does them for LOL fight moves.

Another thing you learn thanks to Zone Fighter is that car racing in Japan at the time featured cars covered in taped on tarp for some reason. I have no idea why. Even all the windows (back window and sides) are covered, and the passenger side of the front window is also covered. All you get is the driver’s side windshield and an open passenger side window. And you wear goggles while test driving despite having a windshield.

The washing machine is off-center again…

If you are still Zone Fighter confused, check out the Zone Fighter Splash Page to get educated on the world of Zone Fighter.

Word to your mother
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Zone Fighter Episode 10 – Zettaizetsumei! Zoonfaitaa

March 3, 2012By

Zone Fighter Episode 10 – Zettaizetsumei! Zoonfaitaa

aka Zone Fighter Annihilated! aka Zone Fighter Destroyed!

1973
March of Godzilla 2012
Written by Motoo Nagai
Directed by Akiyasu Kikuchi

The title promises Zone Fighter destroyed? We can only hope… Because this isn’t anywhere near the last episode, so we know he didn’t die. Unfortunately, Zone Fighter is only destroyed by a mix of the Japanese Energy Crisis and bland ratings. What we do get are two monsters, a goofy gimmick, and Zone Fighter attempting to be creative. Which sort of works, but not well enough.

The dangers of cell phone radiation can’t be overstressed!

We got Shipudoro (& Tyler too!), a monster so lame that Zone Fighter doesn’t even bother to murder him. There is also Shadorah, who is connected to Zone Fighter in an intimate way. But that doesn’t stop him from getting brutally killed, as the crazed Zone Fighter continues to collect the scalps of anything that passes his way. If you are confused by anything in the Zone Fighter universe, check out the Zone Fighter Splash Page so all your questions can be answered.

Y-M-C-A!

The Garogas send a big orb to menace Zone Fighter, which he just shoots and it blows up. Of course it is all a trick as we’ll see later, but for now let’s continue with the story. The Zone family is suspicious but ignores what happens until Hikaru notices his shadow is now all wobbly and weird.

I’m not the Transformer Repungus, stop asking!

No time for doctor examinations, a monster is attacking the city! It’s Shipudoro, who is like a weirdo octopus.

War God movie
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

War God (Review)

May 6, 2011By

War God

aka Calamity aka Guan Yu

1976
Directed by Chen Hung Min

Dink dink, dink dink dink dink dink!

War God is a movie that was missing for a long long time. It sort of became a legend among the growing Asian film community on the internet as a lost kaiju film. Little was known about it except some posters and promo images, and the knowledge that it was broadcast on Taiwanese TV at some point recently, meaning a copy existed somewhere. But beyond that, it was unavailable. Then someone found a VHS and it leaked all over the internet, so here we are! Because FourDK and TarsTarkas.NET both cover many of the same paths of film watchership, we’re timing our reviews to drop on the same day. Why compete when you can turn it into something special? This way it is sort of an event. A War God Event. A Calamity, if you will. The real calamity is if you don’t read both of our reviews. You have a responsibility to yourself to read them both, don’t let yourself down again!

Naughty, naughty, naughty! You filthy old soomka!

The best way to describe War God to new viewers is to think of it as a long episode of Ultraman, except instead of the Science Patrol, War God is backed by the Religious Patrol. This is a film not afraid to tell you that when aliens come to Earth with superior technology, don’t try to research ways to defeat them with technology, call on the power of a guy deified. Between that message, the constant moaning and whining of Uncle Chao as he carves the Guan Yu idol, and the subsequent major plot point of painting on Guan Yu’s eyes, the parts of War God that don’t feature giant things beating the tar out of each other can get pretty annoying. Luckily, we have a LOT of scenes of giant things beating the tar out of each other. Finally, a lost film with giant monsters that doesn’t skimp on the giant monsters!

Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well. To what do I owe the extreme pleasure of this surprising visit?


Thanks to duriandave at softfilm for help in IDing some of the actors:

Chao Chun (Yu Ming Lun) – Head Scientist and head jerk! Okay, not so much a jerk as someone who is too busy with his work to spend time with his family, and thus contributing to the family growing apart. Chao Chun does some sort of nuclear research. Yu Ming Lun was in around 30 films and died on December 24th, 1978
Uncle Chao (???) – Patriarch of the family and a wood carver. Although he is going blind, he continues to carve an idol to Guan Yu due to a promise to his dead wife. Uncle Chao likes to ramble on about when he’s done Guan Yu will give the statue real ultimate power.
Li Yu (Tse Ling-Ling) – Chao Chun’s sister and Uncle Chao’s daughter. Is ignored by the family so Li Yu spends her days hanging around with biker gangs to try to get the attention she is missing at home. Eventually becomes an abduction target of the Martians. Tse Ling-Ling retired from film in 1979, but later returned to TV dramas in the 1980s. She was in Tiger and Crane Fist/The Savage Killers, which was turned into Kung Pow: Enter the Fist in 2002.
Chun Lan (Cindy Tang Hsin) – Chao Chun’s girlfriend and fellow scientist. Tries to keep him a bit in the real world instead of lost in the world of science. All anyone seems to know about Cindy Tang Hsin is that she was in around 20 films and then died at the age of 27.
Guan Yu (???) – Guan Yu is the god of War who grows really big and beats up some Martian jerks. Guan Yu was a real person, though has been fictionalized enough by the Romance of the Three Kingdoms stories that he is more myth than man. And he is deified by many Chinese religions, who borrow from both his real and fictional life and merge with their own belief systems into a hodgepodge of Guan Yu-ism. You will likely find a statue of Guan Yu in many Chinese homes, and he is especially worshiped by Triads.
Martians (???) – These Martians have come to Earth to beat up buildings and dissuade us from science. Masters of Mars, they get schooled on Earth in our ability to get giant people to beat up alien invaders.
This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence.
No time for the old in-out, love, I’ve just come to read the meter.
Obama’s new campaign posters looked a little off…
Dwarf Sorcerer
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Dwarf Sorcerer (Review)

May 1, 2011By

The Dwarf Sorcerer

aka Magic Kid

1974HKMDB Link
Directed by Yu Hon-Cheung
Dwarf Sorcerer
Hey, look, it’s ANOTHER Taiwanese film about a boy whose parents are murdered/mom captured and he is rescued and taught kung fu in a weekend and then he fights for revenge against a bunch of demons and he can fly and do all sorts of crazy crap. It’s almost as if we have seen this before. 9 billion times.
I think it IS the same story as Flyer of Young Prodigal, the names are the same (or same as they can be with horrible subtitle translations) and the story is the same. It is the same story, no question, it is just achieved in a different way. It even has similar groovy music. Now, Dwarf Sorcerer/Magic Kid was first, coming out in 1974 (or 1969 if you believe a few other websites), but does that mean it was the best? Keep in mind this is like being the best pile of dog poo.

Director Yu Hon-Cheung helmed such genre films as Taiwanese kaiju film Monster from the Sea, Pearl Cheung Ling’s Burning of the Red Lotus Monastery, something called Mysterious Snake Women that I hope is awesome if I ever find it, and the somewhat common kung fu flick Revenge of the Shaolin Kid.
Dwarf Sorcerer

So the images look terrifying, because of the poor quality of the print. But this is the only way to see Dwarf Sorcerer at this time, so you got to get used to it. And this still looks better than some prints I’ve seen of new films made by independent filmmakers, who somehow can make even digital film look like it was dragged behind a bus and set on fire. This print is probably just a VHS dub of a VCD that got transferred to DVD. That’s my theory, anyway.

Buckle up, as this film is rare and ridiculous, we’ll be going in depth and this will be pretty long. Maybe you should go pee first so you don’t have to get up in the middle of reading. We’ll wait. Doo–doo–doo–
Dwarf Sorcerer

You back? Good! I hope you washed your hands! Hygienic or not, here we go!

Siao-Lung (???) – Siao-Lung is a Annoying Flying Kid, making this an Annoying Flying Kid movie! NOOOoooooOooOOooOOOoo!!!! Sadly, Siao-Lung doesn’t die the horrible death he deserves. I have no clue who this kid is played by.
In-Hwa (???) – Siao-Lung’s mom gets locked up. Her crime? Being a mom! Also not being a willing participant in Evil Bad Guy’s House o’ Rape.
Sifu (Cheung Kwong-Chiu) – Do most Sifus get their students by rescuing them via giant birds? Because that’s what we got here. Cheung Kwong-Chiu is also in The Lady Musketeer, The Angel Strikes Again, 13 Worms, Bruce, Kung Fu Girls, The Legend of Mother Goddess, and the awesomely named Spooky Kookies.
Evil Bad Guy (???) – Not just bad, evil bad! That’s even badder than bad. It’s badder than the Power Glove. Evil Bad Guy kidnaps women, forcing them to a life of rape and servitude. He’s also down with polyamory–for himself only! Even look at another guy while dating Evil Bad Guy and you die. Funny, he also looks like everyone I’ve meet who is into polyamory. Evil Bad Guy’s magic and gang is brought down by a tiny kid.
Little Girl (???) – Another of Sifu’s students who follows Siao-Lung and thus gets into trouble. Siao-Lung treats her like crap, meaning he probably has a crush on her. Or is a jerk. Probably a jerk.
Happy Gorilla Family (???) – The Happy Gorilla Family are the best gorillas ever! They show up, started off evil as Dad tries to kill Siao-Lung (getting my good side!) but before Siao-Lung kills him, Mom runs by to beg for the life of her husband. Then they help Siao-Lung at the end, even suffering horrible injuries when they’re blown up. The Happy Gorilla Family us the Dwarf Sorcerer Theme as their theme song, and it fits goofy monkeys better than some annoying kid. The Happy Gorilla Family might also be known as The Alp.
Karth Devil (???) – Karth Devil is a yellow ape monster thing that shoots gas from his armpits and teleports and does all sorts of other nasty things. Because he’s evil. Can turn into a tree, a pile of hair, and into flowers. Because he’s evil.

Dwarf Sorcerer

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Destro-King Zone Fighter Episode 2
InTelevision Reviews

Zone Fighter Episode 02 – Yattsukero! Desutorokingu

April 4, 2011By

Zone Fighter Episode 02 – Yattsukero! Desutorokingu

aka Beat Destro-King! aka Attack! Destro-King

1973

Written and Directed by Jun Fukuda

Zone Fighter is the Toho tokusatsu series that Godzilla shows up in occasionally. Get caught up with the Zone Fighter Splash Page and Zone Fighter Episode 1! No sense in repeating information you should already know. As usual, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

Oh, snap, Destro-King! Is he the king of that guy from Cobra?

So we join Zone Fighter Episode 2 already in progress…

The Garogas are mad!

A photographer (who is series regular Takeru Jou (Hideaki Obara)) and an annoying kid in short short pants named Jiro (played by that annoying kid Hiroyuki Kawase from Godzilla vs. Megalon and Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster) see the Garoga land on Earth. So they go to the Zone Family to tell their story. And they’re followed by a mysterious guy, who we all know is evil.

The evil Garogas take control of Akira’s remote control toy boat! It becomes a deadly weapon, slamming Jiro in the face! I like these Garoga guys!

InTelevision Reviews

Zone Fighter Episode 01 – Kyoujuu Misairu Bakuhase-yo!

April 3, 2011By

Zone Fighter Episode 01 – Kyoujuu Misairu Bakuhase-yo!

aka Destroy the Terror-Beast Missile!

1973

Written and Directed by Jun Fukuda

Zone Fighter is probably Toho’s most famous tokusatsu series from the early years, largely due to the fact various Godzillaverse monsters showed up. And we’re gonna review episodes of Zone Fighter for March of Godzilla 2011, and probably beyond after that, as there are 26 episodes, so expect long breaks until we get back to the series. Heck, we’ve been stuck with only the first six episodes of Ultra Q for years, but lately that’s due to the disks being in storage for over two years.

Zone Fighter follows the standard Ultraman format, except with a family setting instead of the Science Patrol. Each week, Zone Fighter fights a new monster (sometimes two, and occasional a whole crop of them, who will be returning monsters in order to get the most use out of the suits.) Every once in a while, Godzilla will show up and help out Zone Fighter. Why Godzilla helps Zone Fighter is not really explained except that Godzilla is a Monster of Justice or some crap. Basically, Godzilla at this point was the kid friendly defender of Earth Godzilla who was palling around with Jet Jaguar beating up Megalon and Gigan, so the Official TarsTarkas.NET theory is that Godzilla has aged enough he’s beginning to suffer from dementia, and thinks that Zone Fighter is his pal Jet Jaguar. Godzilla living in a cave and brutally murdering monsters is more proof that he is now a few cards short of a full deck. But Godzilla won’t be around until episode 4, so for now you have to suffer with a few Godzilla-free episodes.

For more information on Zone Fighter, please see the Zone Fighter splash page, detailing the actors, monsters, and gadgets that will pop up in the various episodes. It also saves me time relisting the cast every episode.

As in the beginning of ever episode, a narrator explains to us the secret history of the Zone Family, Who their home planet of Peaceland was destroyed by the evil Garogas, the Zones subsequent flight to Earth, their hiding out under the name Sakimori, and the Garogas following them and now Earth is in peril. Thanks a lot, Zones!

Godzilla’s roar is heard in the first segment, showing he’s meant to be an integral part of the show from the beginning. Or they just used a stock monster sound effect to represent the monsters.

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