Ben Affleck is YOUR new Batman!

Ben Affleck Hollywoodland

Actual photo of Ben Affleck as Batman!

The internet reacted in shocked outrage when Ben Affleck was announced as the new Batman in the upcoming Superman vs Batman film. Confused, netizens didn’t know what to do, many panicked and declared this the worst decision ever. Luckily, a few clever people realized that Ben Affleck actually has some talent and could give a great portrayal as a seasoned caped crusader. And there is the extra bonus that now the entire Kevin Smith View Askewniverse can be set in the DC universe. Riddle on that!

You cannot deny that Affleck has talent. He’s got golden statues, a super hero pedigree, and he was the bomb in Phantoms, yo! And even with whatever problems I have with Snyder as a director, Affleck is a much better director and can bring out performances in himself that a less talented director might not be able to do. I also expect the Daredevil movie will finally get the love it deserves, even though it is ridiculous. Heck, there might be a whole rundown on Affleck’s canon by bored sites that already did the Batman retrospective last year before The Dark Knight Returns. There is nothing movie sites like to do more than launch giant series that won’t be concluded that pretend to look at things from a brand new viewpoint while aping the same perspectives found in any discussion thread about the film on the internet.

The real fun for a guy like me will be reading the tears of impotent rage from fanboys, then the tears of impotent rage against the fanboys, and finally reading the Sharknado of impotent rage against the world as society collapses because everyone was arguing about Batman as the economy nose dived off a cliff again.

Now if you excuse me, I have 30 Ben Affleck films to watch…

The She-Hulk Diaries – Marvel gets into the romance novel biz!

She-Hulk Diaries

In a move that will be entertaining for those of us who love reading comment sections filled with screaming manbabies, Marvel has announced it’s releasing some superheroine romance novels published through Hyperion (yet another company owned by Disney!) Marvel says the “novels showcase strong, smart heroines seeking happiness and love while battling cosmic evil.” Two books will constitute the first wave – The She-Hulk Diaries by Marta Acosta and Rogue Touch by Christine Woodward

The She-Hulk Diaries focuses on Jennifer Walters (aka She-Hulk) who is trying to balance climbing the corporate ladder during the day with battling super villains at night “all while trying to navigate the dating world to find a Mr. Right who might not mind a sometimes-very big and green girlfriend.”

Rogue Touch centers on the popular X-Man heroine who can absorb another heroes powers through touch. After she accidently puts her boyfriend in a coma, Rogue runs away from home. She then meets the “handsome and otherwordly Jame and sparks fly.”

Rogue finds herself caught between her superpowers and “the only man alive who seems to truly understand her.”

Hopefully these take off and suddenly the romance books outsell the actual comic books. Because I want that day to happen. It will be glorious! The tears…

If you love reading about romance novels, you have to check out Smart Bitches, Trashy Books and Dear Author, two of the best blogs in the field. Even a guy like me who doesn’t read romance novels reads those blogs.

via THR

Rogue Touch

Green People rumored to be taking over the box office!

Yoda hulk

With the rumors/news of both Marvel’s far future plans for their films and the Star Wars stand alone flick, it would seem that the box office will be getting a bit greener, and not from the cash these films will rake in.

It’s not really a spoiler any more, since several sites rushed over each other to post the news in the headlines of their damn articles, but Latino-Review quoted a source as saying that the Phase 3 Marvel films will include Planet Hulk and World War Hulk. This presumably means that Hulk will be shot into space either at the end of Avengers 2 or the beginning of Planet Hulk. Then by the time Avengers 3 comes about, Hulk will return and be very angry. If you’ve never read the Planet Hulk comics, you literally need to drop everything (even your baby!) and run out and read the comics. It is one of my favorite stories of the past decade, and even got me reading comics again after a long absence (though I went back to ignoring comics again as the last few series I followed have ended and Hulk got really stupid after WWH.) Planet Hulk is basically Hulk transported into a John Carter of Mars style story. It’s full of pulpy goodness, monsters, zombies, fighting, more fighting, evil kings being evil, and weirdo aliens. It’s even been turned into a cartoon feature (though they neglect to include the ending that causes Hulk to return for World War Hulk!)

So needless to say, I hope this part of the rumor is true.

Secondly, the other big rumor is there might be a Yoda stand alone film, possibly an origin story. I personally don’t give a frak about Yoda’s origin and hope it stays mysterious forever, but a Yoda adventure could be cool if done right. But I have no reason to think it will be done right. I also have no reason to think this won’t make a bajillion dollars no matter how done wrong it is. Despite my dark, bitter heart, I know this will be a cash cow and can see why some people are excited. So I will be cautiously optimistic, because that sounds positive even though I can easily spin it into “I told you so, suckers!” when Yoda starts rapping.

With all this green, it is the perfect time for a John Carter (of Mars, dammit!) sequel! Do it, Disney!

Godyssey somehow becoming a movie

godyssey Liefeld

Maybe the Mayans were right and 2012 was the end of the world, because that’s the only explanation I can figure for why Rob Liefeld’s Godyssey is getting a motion picture deal.

The comic opened with the Greek gods taunting Jesus while he was on the cross, prompting Jesus to get off the cross and kicks their butts. This turns out to be a dream sequence, but the comic’s plot follows a potential war between the various gods. Fallen angel Avengelyne and someone named Fallen who I don’t remember at all are the main characters. Like all Liefeld books there are plenty of pouches and teeth and distorted bodies, but not a foot to be found. I’m sure this will be as successful as that Youngblood movie that was supposed to happen.

via ComicBookMovie

White Guy vs Hong Kong Vampires in Undying Love

Undying Love is yet another comic book series I never heard of until it got a movie deal, and thus suddenly I’m looking this stuff up. And Undying Love is about a dude who falls in love with this chick in Hong Kong, but she just happens to be a vampire, so he’s got to wipe out a whole bunch of vampires and stuff for true love, because if you kill the vampire that made her, she’s free. That logic sort of doesn’t make sense, because if you kill the Original Vampire there will be no vampires, so why doesn’t one of the other vampires just kill Original Vampire? The only conclusion I can figure out is vampires are lazy, so they deserve to be killed by normal humans. Suck it, Undying Love vampires! The True Blood vamps rule your sorry butts!

Ex-soldier John Sargent has fallen for a beautiful Chinese woman named Mei. The only thing keeping the star-crossed lovers apart: Mei’s a vampire. To free Mei from the curse, Sargent sets out to destroy the vampire that made her. The only problem: Mei was turned by one of the most powerful vampires in history…

Joe Carnahan is in negotiations to direct, which is a positive sign for an interesting action flick even if all else fails. Tomm Coker and Daniel Freedman created the original comic mini series. The comic has some traditional Chinese monsters from what I’ve been reading, so maybe some good visuals. Of course, none of that changes the fact we got yet another story about a white guy running in and saving some foreign girl. This wouldn’t be a problem if there were films about Asian guys running in and saving some white girl. I’m having trouble even thinking of one…

via THR

Undying Love

Never fear, some White Guy is here!

Jeremiah Harm – Create an alien for this film, you lazy goobers!

Jeremiah Harm is a comic series about a space bounty hunter sent to Earth to hunt alien criminals (and is totally not Abraxas, don’t ever think that!) and it has hit the jackpot because it’s now optioned for a flick. In fact, the film is so far along that test footage surfaced within a week of the deal being announced. Timo Vuorensola, the director of Iron Sky and the Star Wreck flick is attached, with fellow Iron Sky alum Tero Kaukomaa along to produce with Arnold Rifkin and Ross Richie. All this Iron Sky talk makes me remember I haven’t watched Iron Sky yet. Maybe some day…

The plan is to crowdsource a lot of Jeremiah Harm’s budget, which will totally tap into that huge Jeremiah Harm audience. Like me, a guy who never heard of the comic until this deal was announced and is only following it in case it turns into a fiasco or a golden ticket. If it’s a mediocre middle, I have no use for Jeremiah Harm. In any event, I’m not giving it any crowdsourcing money.

What you can do is go to and create aliens for the film. That’s actually far more interesting than giving them the loose change you find in the couch minus Kickstarter fees, and maybe I’ll make an alien for the film. With lots of teeth. On his butt!

via io9

Jeremiah Harm

Hey, Bub, which one of us is Bub, Bub?