The V remake is offically a remake

I am not sure what the frak was going through the minds of the studio when they were trying to claim that the upcoming V remake series wasn’t a remake of the miniseries! Of course, the WGA said “I don’t think so!” and got original series creator Kenneth Johnson credit. Granted, the new series looks terrible in a way where the creators don’t seem to have understood at all that the original was a Holocaust parable. At least we had the novelization that concluded the original story (after ignoring V: The Final Battle) The simple fact that they renamed the aliens as Vs proves they missed the point entirely. The best part of this story is the V fan website I got it off of looks like a 1990s Geocities website that would be screaming about secret Grey Reptillian infiltrators secretly controlling the government. That’s just awesome. Web 2.0 ruined the internet.
Chef Bike Ross
pic via UglyAtRoss

Is Rambo V going all Predator?


According to a synopsis posted on AICN, Rambo V will involve Rambo and his 22-year-old sidekick hunting down a genetically engineered hunter monster. Yes, this has been posted as a real news item. It sounds completely ridiculous, and it may be, but for now, it is news. It may be since Stallone owns the rights to the novel Hunter by James Byron Huggins (which has a similar plot) things are getting all mixed up.

Pat Buchanan

Wingnut Web – This week in Wingnuts

Pat Buchanan

This week was a busy week for Wingnuts. Things started out with a bang as Pat Buchanan authored a column claiming the Nazis wanted peace and it was those evil allies who drove them to kill kill kill. Pat Buchanan has a history of mentioning the Nazis in a sympathetic light. And of saying incredibly stupid stuff, but he still get employed. So why should he watch what he says? There are no consequences for his actions. In any event, here is what he wrote:

If Hitler wanted the world, why did he not build strategic bombers, instead of two-engine Dorniers and Heinkels that could not even reach Britain from Germany?

Why did he let the British army go at Dunkirk?

Why did he offer the British peace, twice, after Poland fell, and again after France fell?

Why, when Paris fell, did Hitler not demand the French fleet, as the Allies demanded and got the Kaiser’s fleet? Why did he not demand bases in French-controlled Syria to attack Suez? Why did he beg Benito Mussolini not to attack Greece?

Because Hitler wanted to end the war in 1940, almost two years before the trains began to roll to the camps.

Van Jones (special adviser for green jobs at the White House Council on Environmental Quality) has been driven to resign by relentless attacks from Glenn Beck and other mouthpieces. Van Jones was a truther back in the day, which is pretty dumb, but resigning under pressure is going to just be seen as a victory to the mob mentality. The fact that Van Jones is black is already making people on certain internet boards want to force another black man to resign, Obama. Of course, they are going to fail on that one.

The rest of the angry mobs became focused on the upcoming school speech by Barack Obama. To best prevent their precious little angels from seeing the President of the United States speaking, the parents are threatening to yank their kids out of school. All of them fear Barack is going to hypnotize them into becoming Nazi brownshirt slaves of CommuNazi Green Socialist Barry Soetoro. Which is odd, because Buchanan was defending nazis earlier in the week, and now conservatives are attacking nazis. Make up your minds! But that would mean Wingnuts weren’t crazy. Here are selections from Barack’s speech that show how Marxist Nazi his speech really is:

Every single one of you has something you’re good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. That’s the opportunity an education can provide.

That monster!

No one’s born being good at things, you become good at things through hard work.

*GASP!*

I’ve talked about your parents’ responsibility for making sure you stay on track, and get your homework done, and don’t spend every waking hour in front of the TV or with that Xbox.

COMMIE!!!

So today, I want to ask you, what’s your contribution going to be? What problems are you going to solve? What discoveries will you make? What will a president who comes here in twenty or fifty or one hundred years say about what all of you did for this country?

Yank out all the kids! Yank them all out! Make them play for the Yankees!

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.

I have literally been shoved into an oven.

Panda hybrids expanding all over!

Dr. Mobusu here! Although times are tough, you will be happy to know that I have more unlimited funds than ever! Thus, more horrible research as I twist the laws of nature just because I can! MuHAHAHAHAHA!!! The lesson for today is pandas. The national symbol for China is a big dumb bear that isn’t a real bear and is too dumb to know how to have sex. That’s a lame symbol. But what happens when I cross pandas with other animals? We get some decent symbols! Behold the latest creations!

elepanda
This Elephant/Panda (Elepanda) is poised to capture the hearts and minds of the world, thus making it easier to get them to do my bidding! And the creature is nice to look at AND makes a great stuffed head on the wall.

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The Dog/Panda (Pandog) is the perfect animal to live in every home. It is man’s new best friend. It eats only bamboo bones. And every single one is secretly programed to obey my slightest commands! MuHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Order these Panda hybrids today! And Dr. Mobusu will throw in a free giant albino aquatic mammal of your choosing!

New Review – Thor: Hammer of the Gods

The new review is the SciFi Channel original Thor: Hammer of the Gods. Starring Brad from Home Improvement as Thor. Yes, really. And he fights Werewolves. This is an actual movie. Special guest appearance by the Traveler from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Complete with two clips and lots of pictures. Read it today! Or Thor will be mad!

Thor Hammer of the Gods

Thor: Hammer of the Gods (Review)

Thor: Hammer of the Gods


2009
Directed by Todor Chapkanov
Written by Steve Bevilacqua and Rafael Jordan


What could have been a cool concept is instead bogged down into a mediocre entry into the SciFi Channel original movie canon. The premise seems simple: Vikings vs. werewolves, and Thor shows up! The execution is problematic. The main problem is the pacing. There is lots of padding with Viking ceremonies and birthright nonsense. That’s great that the screenwriters are some of those people that know a disturbing amount of Nordic culture, but it doesn’t always make compelling viewing. The Vikings spend a lot of time running back and forth on the island as their comrades get picked off, while the werewolves start out as invincible supermonsters and quickly become incredibly easy to kill. Look, I don’t care if the Vikings are wearing the wrong color clothes, have horns or no horns on their helmets, or even if their sword stances are wrong. I just care if the movie is fun. Because, a movie about Vikings vs. werewolves is supposed to be fun. That’s the whole point!

Thor Hammer of the Gods does have good moments. The battles in the last half are pretty good, and it does pick up the pace some. Everyone speaks with exaggerated Shakespeare accents, which at first I found goofy, but it added to some of the camp value that should have been in the rest of the film. It is obvious the film had a very small budget, and it seemed to do well with what it had, I only wished they had spend more on action and less on the Viking stuff, especially since it seemed to not add much of anything to the characters. We learned little about Thor except he was brave and needed to learn more about leadership. That gave us no real emotional connection.

The actors I found little fault with. The biggest fun was Zachary Ty Brian (who has dropped the Ty) as Thor. When I first head this cast announcement, I laughed. I expected this to be terrible. But Zachary Bryan pulled it off, partially because he wasn’t Thor God of Thunder, but just a guy named Thor. As Zachary Bryan has been spending his post-Home Improvement career playing jerks of various degrees on movies and TV, it was nice seeing him do a different role. He might even have a career doing SciFi Channel films to supplement income from the latest Hollywood movie that needs a jerk. Most of the other cast is unknown, but Daz Crawford was pretty entertaining and makes a good jerk character. George Zlatarev appears near the end of the film and does a good job with what little he was given. He was also in Manticore and Grendel along with dozens of other SciFi Channel films.

Thor (Zachery Ty Bryan) – Thor isn’t the God of Thunder and Son of Odin, he’s just a Viking warrior with a fauxhawk who is the youngest of three brothers (Baldur and Ulfrich are the others.) Thor has much to learn in how to be an effective leader, but gets a quick lesson thanks to some werewolves. Thor is also the reincarnation of Thor, a great warrior who can weld the Hammer of the Gods.
Baldur (Mac Brandt) – The middle brother, but treated as the eldest because he was the first legitimate brother. Leader of the Viking quest to the island, only to be betrayed by his own brother. Sacrifices himself due to too much Indiana Jones. Never reached the gate.
Ulfrich (Daz Crawford) – The bastard older brother of Baldur and Thor, Ulfrich really is a bastard because he goes all werewolf on them over imagined women troubles. That bastard!
Freyja (Melissa Leigh) – Baldur’s wife has “the sight”, which means she has visions and stuff. Her visions don’t help her in combat. Freyja has got to be the most common name for girls in fantasy films. It is the fantasy “Jennifer”!
Sif (Alexis Peters) – Ulfrich’s wife or girlfriend or something. She’s friends with Thor, which makes Ulfrich mad. Besides that, she doesn’t really have much personality, though she is a better fighter than Freyja. Alexis Peters appeared on TarsTarkas.NET before in Grendel.
Evil Werewolf Girl (???) – Evil Werewolf Girl was never given a name, but she does have an accent! She’s evil, and a werewolf, so that’s all you need to know. I don’t know who played her, either.
The Viking Brothers (??? and ???) – I am not sure of their names, but these dudes live to the end where they save the ship from werewolves. One has a bow an arrow, and they seem smarter than your average random guy in a SciFi Channel film.
Werewolves (dudes with CGI heads) – What do you get when you CGI wolves heads on top of some shirtless dudes in loin clothes? Werewolves! Yeah. Teen Wolf, this is not.
Fenrir (CGI) – The evil Wolf God and son of Loki. Talks in that stereotypical demon voice. His CGI is some sort of armored wolf, but it is too dark to get a good view. Not a big fan of MC Hammer.