Bikini Royale (Review)

Bikini Royale


2008
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
Bikini Royale

Bikini Royale is a sequel to The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I., which I haven’t seen, but that isn’t necessary to follow the plot here. As you have probably guessed, this is a riff on spy films such as James Bond. Riffing on Bond seems to be just as profitable as doing the actual Bond films, and there continues to be Bond sendups created year after year.
Bikini Royale

This is a Fred Olen Ray softcore bikini erotic parody, so it gives you what you expect for an entry in that genre: sex scenes, humor, general entertainment, familiar actors, familiar songs during the sex, and familiar locations. Previous TarsTarkas.NET reviews of Fred Olen Ray Bikini films include: Bewitched Housewives, Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, and Bikini Airways.
Bikini Royale

Tanya X (Beverly Lynne) – Secret Agent Tanya X is the best agent in B.I.K.I.N.I.. And also the hottest. And possibly the only agent, because she’s the only one we ever see. She gets her man and gets it on, often with said man, other men, and other women. No word on if Tanya X is the daughter of Malcolm X.
Corrine (Nicole Sheridan) – Evil mistress of Parker Savage who works for Dr. Nyet and distrusts interior designers. Ruthless and efficient. Has a fondness for black bodysuits.
Parker Savage (Evan Stone) – Parker Savage heads Parker Savage Industries, and is very successful despite being very clueless. His brother is a doctor.
Sophie (Christine Nguyen) – Sophie is a professional poker player and card counter brought in by Mark Tenn to assist with learning how to lose effectively at poker. She ends up losing her clothes and getting involved in a threesome, because that’s what happens in these movies.
Mark Tenn (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – CIA agent and former partner of Tanya X in her previous outing. Mark Tenn and her have an adversarial relationship despite their numerous onscreen couplings. Mark Tenn has x-ray contacts, but they still don’t make him look any better in lipstick.
Dr. Nyet (Monique Parent) – Dr. Nyet died in the last film, except she didn’t and we explain that later. She is evil and behind the whole plot to sell missile plans or something. And she has lesbian sex. That’s far more important than the plot.
Mr. Whately (Ted Monte) – Head of B.I.K.I.N.I. and a quintuple agent, or something.
Photo Lady (Syren) – Target of Tanya X’s spying, the Photo Lady assumes it has something to do with her impending divorce and fails to realize her stolen microchip is the real target. Likes showers, photography, and sealing things.
Tang (Charlie Laine) – Dr. Nyet’s assistant who gets some physical rewards for her activities. Has visited the moon with the astronauts.
Newton (Ted Newsom) – Newton is the Q of B.I.K.I.N.I. and provides all the fun gadgets. For some reason Tanya X and Newton don’t seem to like each other much, but isn’t explained, maybe in the previous film.

Bikini Royale

Wingnut Web – Resistnet Has Always Resisted Edition

It’s that time again! Time to bathe our squirrels? Time to eat all the border pieces in the jigsaw puzzle? No, it is Wingnut Web time! This edition brings us once again to the depths of Resistnet.com, the resistiest website of them all. They resist all night and all day, and even resist rational thought. Rationality is totally liberal. Angry mobs who declare everything COMMUNIST! is the way to go. Resistnet will be ramping up the craziness in anticipation of the 9-12 March, which will probably give us some hilarious photos and otherwise do nothing. But they will declare victory regardless, and we will be there to laugh.

jeff knows Bozo the Clown wants a civil war in America!
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The Race Game, new from Parker Brothers!
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gary kaalberg has more secret intel info.
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Shortly after posting this gary kaalberg disappeared from Resistnet. Hmmm….
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Tex Tucker is perfectly happy having a rogue CIA that answers to no one and can kidnap and torture government officials for even asking them for information.
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Slavery, schmavery, enjoy your gift!
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Karen Belver is a big fan of The Dark Knight
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Did they ever ask the voters if they wanted a Black President? Voters were totally bamboozled!
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They would probably say “NEEEEEEEERRRRDDDSSS!”
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Damn Natzis!
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Jane Spain daydreams that half of America are incredible morons
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David or Leisa Smith is a horrible grandparent
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“Fuck the Police!” is DJ’s favorite song!
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Karen Belver has never been to school a day in her life
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ResistNet is now supporting Truther garbage because they want to believe the Alex Jones garbage! Excellent…
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The ACLU rules schools with an iron fist. A LEFT fist!
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Only COMMUNISTS help other people! Hitler Hitler Hitler!
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Mike Demayo will soon be banned from Resistnet for daring to have a sane thought!
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A precedent that Reagan and Bush 1.0 both did, but why let facts stand in your way, DJ?
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The Department of Education is suddenly in charge of the University of Chicago now!
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Resistnet.com is the gift that keeps on giving.

Orly Taitz goes to court..

Dr. Orly Taitz Esq. PhD is in court again for another Obama isn’t a citizen because he was born on Neptune or something lawsuit and the whole thing is a laugh riot. Professor HM Orly Taitz, TE is something you can’t make up. No one would believe that this is actually happening, but it is, and it is hilarious. You might wonder why Orly Taitz is on this crazy crusade, but the giant DONATE buttons on her official website might be a clue.

The previous Kenyan Birth Certificate that Taitz publicized all over the internet turned out to be a giant fraud (even though pictures of it are still up on her official website) she now has a new Kenyan birth certificate for Barack Obama, despite the fact it used American-style dating systems (instead of British) and the area mentioned wasn’t a part of Kenya back in 1961. But don’t worry, it has a footprint on this Birth Certificate, and it is a black footprint, therefore proving everything!

The judge is Judge Carter, who is becoming a minor celebrity on right-wing websites because WorldNetDaily and other sites have declared victory, even though Judge Carter just did some procedural stuff that is standard. Watch how quickly Judge Carter becomes the new demon of the right the second this case goes down the drain like all the others.

There is a summary of the court action here, and another take here that has more details and shows some of the hilarity that is Dr. Orly Taitz Dr Dr Professor Jr Reverend.

Orly seemed not to have learned her lesson from the last time. When she came into the courtroom there was another hearing still going on and — either still going on or they were waiting for it to go on — and other counsel were at the counsel table, and she went up to the counsel table, as if she was going to sit down, and had to be told again “No, wait your turn.” So she had to go sit back down.

Orly kept wanting to talk about other issues, but the judge kept pulling her back saying, “This part of the hear is about Robinson and Drake.” The judge told her, “You are about to cause a huge delay, and cause a procedural quagmire because of your refusal to work with each other. Because of this dispute between you and Kreep, you are going to delay everything. “Is this about you representing your clients or is this about you, personally? Orly interrupted him, and he said, “I know you always have the answers, but you’ll get a chance to talk later.”

He then directed Kreep and Orly to move their chairs closer together and said, “You need to work together.” They moved the chairs together, and he said, “I now see the two of you as one.” He then assured Orly about her concerns by saying that he would not preclude her from presenting different or contradictory theories. He said, “You’ll each get to have your say.”

She then asked whether they could have testimony from Lucas Smith (who was in the courtroom.) The judge did not like that at all. He said, “You’re bringing a witness in here without notice? This is surprise and ambush. You are not going to do that. According to waveydavey, he was not at all happy. West and DeJute also objected, strenuously, saying they had heard nothing about her bringing a witness.

Orly then said she “has a witness here in the courtroom today who is afraid for his life. Let him testify now,” and if you decide it’s not appropriate we can always strike the testimony later.” West objected strenuously saying “This is sandbagging, surprise,” and all of that. And the judge said, “I don’t intend to let two witnesses come in on the fly without notice. The judge then said, “Usually this kind of thing would be accomplished by deposition.” Then, in waveydavey’s view, he started playing devil’s advocate with the government. It seemed to waveydavey that he was playing devil’s advocate, not that he was really serious, but what he said to the government is, “Why can’t they just do a deposition since the guy is here?” — (waveydavey said everyone seemed to be under the impression that Smith had just flown in from Kenya) — so the judge was like, well, he’s flown in, why couldn’t they just do a deposition. At that point the Orlybots loved it. There was general clamoring in the courtroom such that the bailiff had to ask for order in the courtroom. West, of course, didn’t like that idea of depositions.

Orly came back and said, “I’m getting death threats every day. I get death threats on a daily basis.” She referred to Lieutenant Harris — the passport guy — as someone who came forward with testimony and was killed. She said again, “I have a witness here in fear for his life. I asked for a hearing behind closed doors or voir dire because he has to be able to testify. It has to be done. I leave it to you to decide the best way.” The judge said, “We need an orderly process. Each side must have a chance to respond,” and that was the end of that.

Once again the judge praised the government for helping to nurture the process so that issue could finally be dispensed with. He didn’t take Taitz to task, but continually praised the U.S. for bending over backwards to help the other side.

Orly Taitz

Movie Studios vs RedBox

Video stores, unions, and movie studios are aiming to shoot down RedBox and similar video rental kiosks that let you rent films for a dollar. Movie studios are upset they don’t get more money, while video stores are upset about losing business and unions are claiming the movie studios will lose money and thus cut jobs. It’s war!

Yahoo sez:

Video Buyers Group, a trade organization for some 1,700 independent brick-and-mortar video stores, is prepping an ad campaign that’ll paint Redbox as a threat to the film industry as we know it. Why? Because its $1-a-night rental rate is “generating less revenue” for Hollywood studios than the $3-$5/night prices charged by the average video store, according to Video Business.

RedBox is already suing back, having hit major studios with lawsuits because they don’t want RedBox to rent their films out when they first arrive on DVD, forcing them to wait.

Now, all of this is just movie studios wanting to keep the cash cow they have on DVD sales, even if DVD sales are slowly slipping. I love movies, but I have cut back my DVD purchases to almost nil lately. Even when the economy picks back up I doubt I will be rushing out ot buy DVDs, not because I don’t love films, but because I cannot justify the costs. As for the kiosks vs Blockbuster or similar stores, with the kiosks I don’t have to put up with surly employees. That alone is enough for me to switch to a box, in addition to the price. Sorry, movie studios, maybe you should make better films instead of relying on DVD sales to save your unoriginal butts. With the economy in the toilet right now, I can’t imagine many consumers caring that you think they paid too little for the right to see some $200 million unnecessary remake.

We are big fans of unions here at TarsTarkas.NET, but we are not fans of unions letting themselves be used by studios. Shame on this union.
Redbox

McDonalds Red Menace

Wingnut Web – McDonald’s is Communist!

McDonalds Red Menace

Or something. This Robert Moon guy is employed by a major news agency!

As funny as this manufactured outrage is (McDonald’s is THE NUMBER ONE recognized brand of American capitalism in the world. More so than Mickey Mouse!) it shows just how far removed from reality the arguments on the Right have become. Every thing is communist! Even giant megacorporations! The Right really has no valid attack points and has been reduced to a screaming mob, yelling “COMMIES!!!” at everything and everyone. One part of me is sad, because there are plenty of legitimate reasons to criticize current Democratic leadership (Obama’s stupid bipartisan crap when it is obvious no Republican cares about healthcare, lack of support for a public option, Harry Reid being a spineless sack of crap) and a healthy opposition creates a better party (look how progressive Democrats get when they face a primary challenge) but there is no healthy opposition, there is just an angry mob that has getting more and more unhinged for the past 40 years. Their discourse is angry mob now, can you imagine what horrors it will be in 2012? 2016? Robert Moon is an apt name, because he is howling mad!

McDonald’s is now including “American Girl” toys in its Happy Meals, which come with a little booklet that seems innocent enough at first…until you hear your child reading the whole thing aloud, at which point you realize It should be called “Anti-American Girl.”

Set in San Francisco,

As we know, San Francisco is not in the US but is the capital of COMMUNIST Island.

the story is about a little girl coping as her feminist mother divorces her father and opens up a shop selling “gladrags.”

So her mom invented the cleaning rags? How COMMUNIST of her! Don’t get mad, get glad, Robert Moon

To smooth over all the turmoil this creates in her life, the story celebrates “change” in general by pointing out all the “positive” changes that were going on all around her–“protesters [marching] against war in Vietnam,” new laws “[protecting] the environment and endangered species,” etc.

Agenda much?

This guy is so right wing he probably only uses paper money so he can avoid using “change”. And as we know, protecting the environment so you don’t drink poison water is COMMUNIST!!!!

The story continues to explain all the new activities women could engage in as a result of the feminist movement, and concludes with the main character, Julie, realizing where she fits in with all this “change.” It explains, “When a friend is in trouble, an animal is endangered, or a rule needs to be rewritten–it’s time to make the change happen yourself.”

McDonald’s, teaching kids to do stuff and not sit back and do nothing. How…COMMUNIST!!

Message board raiding will be back soon! I am organizing the latest crazy posts and attempting to make sense of the bile. Stay tuned! And remember the Knights Templar!