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InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Ghost in a Teeny Bikini (Review)

November 3, 2008By

Ghost in a Teeny Bikini


2006
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
Ghost in a Teeny Bikini
Here we go with another amazing Bikini film from Fred Olen Ray (once again directing as Nicholas Medina) that has a fun time spoofing genre movie conventions and making the production look like it was make for ten times the cost. Ghost in a Teeny Bikini diverges from one of the classic plots of bikini films. Normally a relative dies and leaves a business to be saved by bikinis and boobs, but here the dead relative just leaves a bunch of money, and the plot springboards to a murder mystery with a surprise musical thrown in for good measure! In addition, we get the titular ghost in the teeny bikini (played by Nicole Sheridan) running around amidst the over acting. The film itself is a lot of fun and entertaining, but if you were watching for a quick fix of naked chicks, you’d have to put up with distracting plot elements in between, and I can realize how that would turn off people at 3am flipping back and forth between Cinemax channels looking for a flash of skin. Bikini films are known to be chock full of terrible puns, but the puns in this film are the thickest that I have seen yet.
Ghost in a Teeny Bikini

We have a return of many familiar faces. In fact, I have seen so many of the more recent Bikini films that when I watched a few older ones, I was disappointed that most of the actors were different. Yet, there is no clear line jump between generations, as the casts blend into each other, a continually evolving mesh. Thus some older people run around with newer members all the time. It’s like the Circle of Life, except there isn’t a gay lion tossing Darth Vader off a cliff. That’s in Bikini Lion King, due out in 2011. The title obviously refers to the movie The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini, this is so obvious I won’t even point it out.

First, the cast. ROLL CALL!

Muffin Baker (Christine Nguyen) – Yes, Muffin Baker is really the name of her character. Christine Nguyen heads the cast of this Bikini Epic as actress Muffin Baker, who has to go attend the reading of a will of a dead rich uncle, only to be the target of….MURDER!!!! Christine Nguyen was seen here previously in Super Ninja Doll and Tarzeena.
Tabitha the Ghost (Nicole Sheridan) – Our title ghost in a teeny bikini, is listed here second because she is sadly only in a small portion of the film. Nicole Sheridan is in so many of Fred Olen Ray’s Bikini movies that she had to give someone else a spin, and it let her be a cool ghost character who can make sarcastic comments. Nicole Sheridan was also seen here previously in Super Ninja Doll and Tarzeena, and will be seen here again.
Ted Wood Jr. (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – I wonder what person Ted Wood Jr. could be a reference for? Obviously acclaimed director Ted V. Mikels. I’m good at getting references! Director of B-movies and boyfriend of actress Muffin Baker. Victim of drugged sex. Voodoo is married to Nicole Sheridan, and stars with her in a bunch of these film.
Archibald Weisenheimer (Brad Bartram) – The evil Archibald Weisenheimer is evil, which you can tell from his evil name, evil accent, evil mustache, evil daughter, and evil evilness. And he’s evil. So that’s bad if you aren’t evil, like Muffin Baker, who evil Archibald has decided to kill to get lots of money. That’s what evil people do. See Brad Bartram be not evil in Bikini Airways.
Marsh (Evan Stone) – Evan Stone is in so many of these movies playing goofy characters, you spend time watching them just waiting for him to show up in a ridiculous costume. And here he is, in some sort of emo butler role. Stone breathes life into the role of Marsh, who seems like a simple butler following Archibald’s orders at first, but soon blossoms into a full-fledged independent man. Who gets it on with the maid and the psychic. Boo-yah! Evan Stone was also in Super Ninja Doll and Tarzeena.
Evilyn (Rebecca Love) – Hey, where is Skeletor? Evilyn has warped over from Eternia and is now posing as the daughter of Archibald Weisenheimer, who is no better of a schemer than the old Filmation Skeletor. Rebecca Love is another of the parade of adult actresses in Bikini films. How can she not have back problems? That’s all I’m saying.
Madame Zola (Syren) – Madame Zola is the psychic brought in to try to contact Uncle Cyrus from beyond the grave. No contact takes place, but Madame Zola’s private parts make contact with Marsh’s after she is possessed by Tabitha looking to score a quick booty call. Syren has become a fixture in the later Fred Olen Ray bikini films, and has been seen her before in Super Ninja Doll and Tarzeena.
Fuscia (Michelle Lay) – The maid at Uncle Cyrus’s estate. Very enthusiastic about getting it on. Michelle Lay shows up again in Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet.

Ghost in a Teeny Bikini

The Eight Hilarious Gods
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Eight Hilarious Gods (Review)

October 30, 2008By

The Eight Hilarious Gods

aka Siu baa sin

1993
Directed by Jeffrey Chiang Gu-Jun

Hong Kong does their take on Hakkenden, the tale that gave us Legend of Eight Samurai and Message From Space. Except it is a pure comedy and no one marries a dog. That’s good, as this film is about as related to the traditional Japanese story as Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter is to the Gospel of Luke. It does have some recognizable Hong Kong stars (even to Western audience members only slightly familiar with Hong Kong cinema) and some nice fantasy fights for a comedy, but isn’t afraid to dwell in the poop jokes or to murder children just so the audience can go “WTF?” So let’s all go “WTF?” together!

This version of the film comes from one of those double-VHS tapes, found in the double-size VHS boxes that old-school video stores had. The only video store I know by name that still carries those is Le Video in San Francisco, but some of the old-school Chinatown rental stores have this as well. The double-tape explains why there are numbers after the title, because there are two title screens, one for each tape. Old school is the best school, baby! There ain’t no forced commercials here like on DVD. Sure, the picture quality isn’t the best, but it’s not like this film is begging for a remastered DVD. It should be remastered.

Ben (Adam Cheng Siu-Chow) – Ben is a high-level fairy who misplaced six magic pearls that just happen to be the pearls Lucifer is going to use to try to destroy the world. Except there is also this prophecy that says six people will show up to help defeat Lucifer, so now Ben is looking for them. Adam Cheng was in a film entitled Sup Sap Bup Dup as well as playing the boss of the female tribe in Fantasy Mission Force, so that’s enough street cred for me to give him a thumbs up!
Buddy Wall (Sandra Ng Kwun-Yu) – One of Heavenly Goddess’s fairies who attempts to stop Satan. Not powerful enough to face him alone. Has a crush on Ben, and is part of a running gag where no one finds her attractive. Sandra Ng Kwun-Yu is a famous Hong Kong comedienne.
Lotus (Rosamund Kwan Chi-Lam) – Brutal proprietor of the Dragon Gate Inn, who beats those who complain about her service. The whole Inn is a scam to rob customers with a freezing mist, and she collaborates with Uncle Cheung in this scam. Rosamund Kwan is probably best known here for playing Aunt Yee in the Once Upon a Time in China series. Prophecy mark – Love for one’s elders.
Lousy Han (Ng Man-Tat) – Lousy Han is a loyal friend who lets his buddy Smart Hon walk all over him. He gets into trouble constantly, but always with a smile on his face. Ng Man-Tat is in a whole mess of Steve Chow films, as well as many other efforts. Prophecy mark – Loyalty.
Uncle Cheung (Lawrence Cheng Tan-Shui) – The effeminate tour guide leader and fellow conspirator in Lotus’s robbery scam. Lawrence Cheng Tan-Shui has made a career of playing stereotypical homosexual goofballs, from his own shows to films like this and The Storm Riders. Prophecy mark – Mercy.
Smart Hon (Deric Wan Siu-Lun) – Smart Hon is the brains behind the Hon/Han group, but he isn’t as smart as his name implies. His greatest ability is avoiding getting into trouble. Deric Wan Siu-Lun is probably most recognizable as Emperor Kang Xi in the two Royal Tramp films. Prophecy mark – Justice.
Sheriff Lee (Shing Fui-On) – Looking like a crazy wild-man, Sheriff Lee is desperate to solve a case before he’s demoted. He is willing to do anything. ANYTHING. Even his mother won’t stand in his way. Shing Fui-On has appeared in more films than I can count, probably most notably in God of Gamblers. Most of them were without the crazy makeup. Prophecy mark – Filial Piety.
Uncle Tsao (Peter Lai Bei-Dak) – Information collector and informant. Likes Lotus, but instead ends up with Uncle Cheung! Not a happy camper. Prophecy mark – Faith.
Lucifer (Lau Shun) – The devil is an evil mo-fo! Did you know that Lucifer has clawed hands, metal hair, a voice sounding like one of the Visitors from V, and spends all his free time terrorizing a random small village in China? Because he does. This movie proves it. And he enjoys tossing children off roofs.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Bikini Airways (Review)

October 19, 2008By

Bikini Airways


2003
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
Bikini Airways
Bikini Airways follows the old Inherit A Business Plot, which is a branch off of the Help a Relative Save A Business Plot, but with the added benefit of not hiring the relative actors. Girl inherits business, it is failing, so dump a bunch of bikinis all over it and everyone wins! Especially the audience. The only problem is by now this is a by the numbers plotline, which is why the bikini movies have moved more into erotic parodies of film genres instead of following the same plot over and over just at a different job. This film’s location will be an airline, so expect referenced to the Mile High Club, lots of stewardess fantasies, and jokes about cockpits.
Bikini Airways

A Retromedia release, directed by Nicholas Medina (the Bikini films pseudonym for Fred Olen Ray) and filled with the usual jokes mixed with sex scenes formula that has proven popular. Four of these films come out each year, with varied settings that allow lots of fun spoofing of film conventions. There was a while when there was a big influx of imitators, with dozens of movies with the word “Bikini” in the title came out set practically everywhere (the most ridiculous I have see was Bikini Traffic School) but the Retromedia series has endured due to the entertaining scripts and settings, mixed with the very talented performers. Basically, they are a whole lot of fun, especially compared to many of their competitors.

Terri Williams (Regina Russell) – Never done real work as she had money growing up to give her the freedom to be a fulltime animal rights activist and overseas volunteer in Afghanistan. Only child and orphan. Inherits Janus Air when her Uncle Hugh passes on, and must save the company. Because that’s what you do in these films! Regina Russell also had a part in The Mummy’s Kiss.
Gary (Brad Bartram) – The groom is an oil tycoon’s son, he is about the marry the “virgin” Francine. Unlike the Virgin Connie Swail, she is not. Eventually drills for oil in the Terri Williams protected reserve, if you catch my inuendo. Brad Bartram is in a bunch of these films, he will show up again soon.
Jim (Noah Frank) – The boyfriend of Terri who won’t be the boyfriend by the end of the movie, due to his cheating heart. And his cheating wang. Is a photographer, who doesn’t make money, instead works by the barter system.
Traci (Loni Lynn) – The large breasted one who didn’t do well in high school. You will like her signature move. Loni Lynn is also known as Kim Maddox. Is very entertaining.
Vicki (Kylie Biscayne) – Has red hair, is a speedster in the car (especially while nude), and a cockpit fanatic. Spent part of the dance sequence staring right at the camera. Kylie Biscayne can be seen in several other Bikini films and is also known as Belinda Gavin.
Pam (Julie Snow) – former famous model who lost all her money, became a lesbian, and then decided that the real way to go is to marry the first rich guy who comes along and do nothing for the rest of her life. Julie Snow is also known as Amy Lindsay
Captain Sam (Jay Richardson) – Captain Sam has been a pilot for 25 years. Enjoys Irish Coffee with whipped cream while he flies. A big fan of Polaroid. Also a big fan of making a quick buck off of opportunity. Jay Richardson is in a billion Fred Olen Ray and Jim Wynorski films. He even played a “Hugh Janus” in Final Examination, filmed about when this film was.
Co-Pilot Dave (Sam Silver) – Dave spends most of the film staring at various curvy parts of the women. He is a UFO buff. Likes to get high…in a plane!

Bikini Airways

Dangerous Flowers
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dangerous Flowers (Review)

October 15, 2008By

Dangerous Flowers

aka Chai lai

2006
Directed by Poj Arnon

Charlie’s Angels left a legacy of countless imitators. The original series spawned many copycats, and the recent movies also spawned copies. As the new movies decided to be action comedies, so did many of the copycat movies. And since the new movies decided to not be very good, the copycats decided to one-up them and be even worse! One of those copies is reviewed here today. The 2006 film from Thailand was originally entitled Chai Lais or Chai Lais Angels, and eventually became known as Dangerous Flowers. I wonder what the “Chai Lai” trying to sound like… Charlie’s Angels copies from Asia are vary common, we even reviewed Asian Charlie’s Angels a while back. We get five beautiful Thai women who fight crime, fail at their missions, and blow stuff up. The film begs you to not take it seriously, yet then throws in a few people getting killed violently just to screw with you.

The film has a few quirks in the subtitles, firstly they refer to the girls as “chai Lais”, notice how the first letter of chai is not capitalized. It never is, but the L in Lai is always capitalized. I don’t know what that means, but it probably means something stupid. So we’ll got with it for the entire review. Take that, bad subtitles!

We got five Angels, excuse me, FLOWERS, who we will just hit the Roll Call for now, as well as the peripheral characters. The film is forgettable, unexceptional, and nothing you haven’t seen before. Unless you are blind, in which case you probably aren’t reading this anyway. Or are you?

Kulap/Goolab CODENAME: Rose (Bongkoj Khongmalai) – chai Lai agent, the rich fashionable one. Is dating a guy named Gud, who is pretty good, good enough to become her fiancée. Affectionately known as Tuk, Bongkoj Khongmalai holds the number 10 spot as FHM Thailand’s sexiest lady. She starred in Tom Yum Goong and was embroiled in a naked picture scandal which wasn’t that big of a deal as the actual nudes weren’t released so don’t waste your Google time.
Bua CODENAME: Lotus (Supaksorn Chaimongkol) – Supaksorn Chaimongkol is nicknamed Kratae (which means chipmunk – are there even chipmunks in Thailand?) Voted number 11 on FHM Thailand’s sexiest woman list. So we only have numbers 10 and 11 in this film? Totally lame!
Chaba CODENAME: Hibiscus (Jintara Poonlarp) – The ugly chai Lai. We aren’t calling her this, the film treats her like it’s an amazing achievement she gets a boyfriend. Totally lame, Thailand. Jintara Poonlarp is a famous luk tung singer. In fact, she’s my favorite luk tung singer. And that’s not just because she’s the only luk tung singer I know.
Pouy-sian CODENAME: Crown of Thorns (Kessarin Ektawatkul) – Every other flower name the subtitles translate into common names, but as Pouy-sian’s flower’s name is Crown of Thorns, the subtitles opt for laziness and leave her as Pouy-sian. Lame. Kessarin Ektawatkul is Thailand’s former National Tae Kwon Do Champion, also starred in the remake of Born to Fight.
Na-wua CODENAME: Spadix (Bunyawan Pongsuwan) – Bunyawan Pongsuwan is the only one of the five chai-Lais to not rate a Wikipedia page. Or hardly any Google links. So she is a mystery. I’ll start a rumor that she refuses to eat spinach because she worships it. And if she ever gets a Wikipedia page I’ll just edit that in. No longer a mystery, are you, Pongsuwan?
Tony Jeng (Petchtai Wongkamlao) – The chai Lais’ handler is the Bosley guy of our group, probably named Tony Jeng but I’m not 100% because these subtitles were wack. The Charlie he works for is probably named Mr. Somsak, which also sounds lame and he’s only voiced in like once, so what’s the point? Tony Jeng wears a different wig in every scene he’s in, which might be a weak attempt at a running gag. Petchtai Wongkamlao is better known as Mum Jokmok, but of course you knew that.
King Kong (Wanasak Srilar) – More than meets the eye, if you catch my drift. If you don’t catch my drift, she’s got a wang, you dolt! King Kong ain’t got nothing on me! ‘Twas beauty killed the beast.
Miki (?????) – Daughter of the Keeper of the Pearl, kidnapped by Dragon because she knows the location of the pearl. Eventually joins the chai Lais thanks to the lack of minor labor laws in Thailand. But it beats being sold into sex slavery.
Ms. Mei Ling (????) – married to Miki’s father despite keeping her Chinese last name and also being evil. I dunno if she was still married but it looked like it in the beginning. So do a background check on your wife, people. She may be an evil henchwoman looking for a magical pearl that only you know the location of.
Dragon (???) – The evil boss who gets mad all the time, dresses in suits that were only in style around 1985, and has a son with Downs syndrome that doesn’t even factor into the plot about trying to find a valuable pearl. Talk about your missed opportunities to give him motivation.
Kathleen (Salani Chachacha?) – Crazy assistant to King Kong, cross-eyed and bad aim. Dresses like a blind hooker in Paris Hilton’s retro closet. Secretly a good agent, because the script said so. Or something. I don’t care.

Cool Dimension
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Cool Dimension (Review)

October 6, 2008By

Cool Dimension

aka Kûru dimenshon

2006
Directed by Ishii Yoshikazu
Written by Sato Midori and Yamamoto Norihisa

Three sexy Japanese girls with guns and leather costumes kill a bunch of people. You’d think that would make a good film, and you’d be wrong! I don’t know how they did it, but they managed to squeeze almost the entire life out of a picture that should have been fun and over the top. Instead, it is a constant bore, more depressing than a kitten with AIDS, and somehow manages to make the brisk 70 minute running time feel like four hours. The general plot is some sort of f-ed up version of Charlie’s Angels, except they just kill people and sit around in various vaguely sexual poses with the Bosley character. Yeah.

One major problem is the entire characterization effort is put into depressing voiceovers while shots of the character looking glazed over, bored, and brain dead are on screen. The ramblings of the actresses would have been rejected on even the crappiest LiveJournal pages, their introspection flatter than a piece of paper. None of the characters have any real motivations or personalities, and much acting consists of staring forward or remaining completely still. We don’t know anything about the girls when the movie starts, and by the end, we still don’t know anything. Take a counter example, the movie Yo-Yo Girl Cop where we get actual characterization by the actresses acting and not doing voiceovers, actual backstories for the characters, and even a peppy soundtrack (which is still neat if you discount the songs by the actresses and just focus on the theme.) The theme here sounds like it was ripped from an experimental German black and white film from the 1950’s that has a gong banging every ten seconds or so. Not something that people will be humming in the car.

Shiori (Yoko Mitsuya) – The leader/head assassin of team Cool Dimension. For some reason wears red leather as opposed to black. Has the special ability to avoid gunshots if she completes a back flip. Yoko Mitsuya is a former child model turned actress. Shot in the back.
Mika (Mitsuho Otani) – The lesbian member of team Cool Dimension. But not lesbian enough for it to be interesting. In fact, she may not be a lesbian but just a victim of bad writing. Killed by a bunch of rival female assassins brought in by Junko.
Junko (Mika Shigeizumi) – Crazy evil member of team Cool Dimension. Why is she evil? Why not, she just is. Mika Shigeizumi must have had eyelid surgery, giving her eyes some bug-eyed look that enhances her character’s supposed insanity. The best acting in the film was done by surgery she had years earlier. Killed by Shiori.
Kurokawa (Kenichi Endo) – The Bosley character to his trio of creepy angels, Kurokawa spends most of the film in various disturbing still-life embraces with one to all of his charges. He sets off an aura of creepiness, and that was before I recognized him from Visitor Q. No dead body sex here, but Kenichi Endo is a regular fixture in Takashi Miike films.
Charlie (CGI/??? Voice) – I guess his name is Charlie, they never give it, but he gives the orders to the teams and organizes the assassination missions for the Cool Dimension team. Maybe he is Mr. Cool, or Mr. Dimension. Beside a brief appearance in the beginning, he never factors in again and is completely forgotten. It’s just that kind of movie to not bother with explaining anything.
Haruki Muraoka – Target of the group, wife was killed by corrupt politician Mr. Tsuyama ten years prior, and his daughter was injured and hidden. Killed by Junko.

Tarzeena
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle (Review)

October 2, 2008By

Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle

aka Tarzeena: Queen of Kong Island

2008
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Tarzeena Jiggle of the Jungle joins a long line of Tarzan-themed erotic movies. It is an anomaly in this genre, though, because it is actually entertaining and not a complete waste of celluloid. Director Fred Olen Ray manages to craft together a nice little homage to not only the Tarzan films, but those old jungle films where people wander through stock footage and movies with crazy mad scientists. Tarzeena is a great throwback to anyone who has suffered through borefests such as Nabonga. As viewers of traditional jungle flicks know, up to 25% of the film is stock footage (and sometimes shamefully more than that), there are jungle girls worshiped by natives, and there is usually a guy in a gorilla suit. We have all of those things, plus sex scenes. Tarzeena was one of several made at the same time, also including Super Ninja Doll.


Tarzeena (Christine Nguyen) – Tarzeena the Jungle Girl is the Queen of the Jungle and an expert in jungle love. She commands animals and has zero body hair. The missing granddaughter of Uncle Milton and heir to part of his fortune.and was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Amanda “Mandy” Sellers (Nicole Sheridan) – Stepdaughter of Uncle Milton and recieves several million dollars after he dies, under the condition that she look for his missing relatives. Often has to urinate. Nicole Sheridan was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Ted Kilton (Voodoo) – Boyfriend of Mandy and getter of lots of money. I sure hope his relationship is an open one, as both of them are bumping uglies with other people before the film ends. Adult film actor Voodoo is credited as Alexandre Boisvert and was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Jack Carver (Evan Stone) – Jungle Guide Jack Carver helps our heroes find the wreckage of Bradly’s plane and the mysterious Tarzeena. and was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Jed Slater (Ed Polgardy) – Lawyer for the estate of Uncle Milton, helps organize the trip to Kong Island to look for Bradly and his daughter.
Shana (Syren) – Native girl who is in love with Jack Carter, yet also assisting Dr. Mortimer in his mad experiments.and was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Dr. Mortimer (Mike Gaglio) – Mad scientist performing the brain control operations. Mike Gaglio was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Tabonga (Don McLeod) – Gorilla and friend of Tarzeena. Captured by the crazed Dr. Mortimer and implanted with a mind-control chip. Eventually freed and can turn on his captor. Tragically, his life is cut short by an exploding evil lair. He will be missed. Pour a 40 for Tabonga!

Tarzeena lives on Stock Footage Island – I mean Kong Island. Tarzeena’s skimpy clothing allows her to keep cool in the jungle heat, but at times she must shed her clothes and get naked. Thus she must take a shower in the waterfall. Luckily, a plane filled with hundreds of shaving blades must have crashed on the island at some point, allowing Tarzeena’s skin to remain smooth as an android’s bottom.

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