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Cleavagefield (Review)

Cleavagefield


2009
Directed by Jim Wynorski (as Salvadore Ross)

Yes, this is an erotic parody of Cloverfield, and it follows most of the plot to the nines. It is complete with random shots of other days, and most of the film is a first person hand held camera. Since the film isn’t entirely taking itself seriously, there are a few instances of breaking the fourth wall. The film occasionally breaks into shots of Tom’s visit to Hawaii where there are two blonde girls (Davina Murphy and Dallas Lowe) that just ended up being annoying, so I fast forwarded through those parts.

Cleavagefield is a humor movie, so don’t expect cool monster sequences and military fights. Expect naked chicks and a monster strolling along every once in a while. The origin of the film is interesting, it started out as a joke on the Retromedia Message Boards and people got interested. Thus, the joke became reality. It was originally joked under the title Chestyfield, for those of you who are interested. At this time there is scant information about the cast online, and due to the fact I am not as knowledgeable about some of these actresses as I should be, I don’t know what other names some of them are probably better known as (Brandee Schaefer in particular) I tried, that is all I can say.

Maggie Daniels (Brandee Schaefer) – Maggie is a good mother to her chihuahua and willing to go to any lengths to get her back. Even braving a giant monster is no challenge.
Vicki Conners (Amy Ried) – Vicki Conners is the most famous stripper in the film, she will be headlining clubs in Asia, one of the few people who will go to Japan to get away from a giant monster! Amy Ried has starred in such fine pornographic fare as Leztravaganza!, The Boobs of Hazzard, and Cum in My Ass Not in My Mouth 5.
Carla (Rebecca Love) – Carla is all about the debriefing. Rebecca Love was seen her previously in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini and Bewitched Housewives, so read those if you want more on her.
Debbie (Lucia Santos) – Debbie is the girl who knows how to operate the TV remote. Yep. She also manages to get attacked by one of Junior’s pets. Her preening for the camera reminds me of Vanessa Hudgens. Lucia Santos is an actress of the adult variety, and was in The Da Vinci Coed.
Tom Warner (Frankie Cullen) – Our cameraman who will give sarcastic jokes throughout the film. At various times he leaves to join in the action himself. Frankie Cullen was in Bikini Airways.
Fifi (herself) – Maggie’s dog who likes to watch. Is a practical joker and watches TV. Fifi is more developed as a character than any other cast member.
Junior (CGI – credited as Guy Green!) – The Cleavagefield monster! He’s green, he’s mean, he’s got a big belly. Junior tramples around downtown LA because that’s what he does. Has snot attacks and is impervious to all weapons. Please ignore how he looks like a monster from the old Superman cartoons.
Junior’s pets (CGI) – Junior is crawling with some flying lobster monsters that were dubbed his pets. One of them tries to make dinner out of Debbie. At one point these were going to be moth-mites and chew off people’s clothes.

James Band 007

James Band 007 (Review)

James Band 007


1980
Directed by ???

James Bond ripoffs seem to exists in every culture’s movie repartee. Some countries churn out dozens of them, especially during the boom years of the 1960s and 1970s. So it is only fitting the comedians get in on the act. Spy spoof films also seem to show up in every country. Spy films are a genre ripe for spoofing, because they are usually freaking ridiculous on their lonesome. James Bond even approached self-parody with cheesy ridiculous entries like Moonraker. So it comes to no surprise that we have a Thai James Bond spoof. The surprise is the film has survived to the point of hitting VCD, which pretty much means we will have at least a low-res version of it forever. Hooray for low-grade film archiving.


Now, I originally got this film off the eThaicd website as a whim, looking for something to fill the order up enough. I didn’t expect this to be anything special, I didn’t even expect it to be a comedy. I was surprised when I opened the package and looked through my vcds, just to notice that the cover to this one included a tiny C-3PO and R2-D2 at the bottom of the film poster. I expected that I would scan in the VCD cover, make a joke about how I liked those droids and couldn’t wait to see them, then get all mad when they never showed up. But the movie punked me. Because…C-3PO and R2-D2 are in this movie! Seriously! Sure, generic Thai knockoffs, but it is them and that is who they are supposed to be! It is one of the most awesome movie discovery I have made. Of course, I included clips of the droids in action. Just stay put. I did some research on the cast, since the only thing written in English about James Band 007 is the order page on the eThaicd website.


James Band (Thep Tienchai) – A bike cabbie who takes over the mantle of James Bond when he is killed in his taxi. Thep Tienchai gained fame in the 1970s using his bad looks and missing teeth in his comedy act, but he has since passed on. He can also be seen in the films Pher Jorm Pern, Tah Tien, and Yod Manood Computer (where snot flows from his nose.)
The Villain (Lor Tok) – The Villain of the piece (I never caught his name) is evil and wants to destroy the world. He has robot goons, and lots of henchmen. Lor Tok was born Sawong Supsamruay, and eventually became one of the greatest comedic actors in Thai cinema. His film debut was in 1933 in Wan Chakayan. Among his over 1000 films roles he starred in the comedy horror Dracula Tok, which had a cartoon series based on it after his 2002 death. He established his own production company in 1969 called Tok Boom Parpayon.
Contact (???) – The contact James Bond was supposed to meet and James Band now meets instead. She may be named Pani Ka. Incredibly thin. Not afraid to tromp around in a bikini.
Thai Moneypenny (???) – James Bond means lots of hot chicks, so of course one of them will work for the secret agency that James Bond works for. Thus we dub her Thai Moneypenny because we didn’t catch her real name. The actress seems very prolific, I have spotted her on several posters.
Thai M (???) – The Thai M heads the secret agency that the James Bond of Thailand works for. His agency is so powerful that some random rickshaw guy saves the day.
James Bond (???) – Thailand has their own James Bond, except he isn’t very good at dodging assassin’s bullets and ends up becoming 00Dead. Luckily, James Band takes over!
A2B (???) – The C-3Po droid of our evil Villain. Gold skin, evil laugh, short temper, he is every bit the C-3PO we all know and love.
A2A (???) – The R2-D2 droid of our evil Villain. I believe his name is A2A, but I am not sure so don’t yell at me for my less than fluent Thai. A2A likes to peep, and argues with A2B about everything. Their battles can get violent. A2A is made out of a bunch of vents, filters, and gauges.

Mendam Berahi

Mendam Berahi (Review)

Mendam Berahi


2002
Directed and written by Z. Lokman

Malaysian Charlie’s Angels! Yes, the Charlie’s Angels concept is so universal is seems to exist in every country on the planet. I bet there is even a Tongon Angels somewhere. This time the Angels go searching for lost treasure, which ends up with bloody gunbattles. And a little girl cries while singing. But who cares, gun battles! Chicks kicking butt! Malaysian women you’ve never heard of that Google won’t tell you anything about! It’s all here, and more!

“It just so happens that Mendam Berahi is an action flick and that the good guys are us girls. As soon as we started filming, people were already going, ‘Oh, it’s the Malaysian version of Charlie’s Angels.’ Okay, so that’s good for marketing, but it was targeted from the beginning as a pure action film.” Shaleen Cheah stated, in an argument that might hold water if Madam X didn’t refer to the girls specifically as Angels in the film.

The VCD jumps from widescreen to very widescreen, so black bars will lower and raise between shots, sometimes back and forth in the same scene. Due to the lack of information in English about Malay stars, I couldn’t provide much interesting facts, and you will have to make do with what I could pull off of gossip sites. I am not learning Malay just to do one review, especially since there are about a dozen other languages that I need to learn first. The credits give the country of origin of the players who aren’t from Malaysia, so it would say “Tracy Trinita (Indonesia)”, as opposed to Tracy Trinita (Paraguay), I guess.

Edsa (Shaleen Cheah) – Edsa is a tomboy and a tough martial artist. She is also the bitter ex-girlfriend of Zul, who hates him. A lot. Shaleen Cheah is of Chinese, Thai and Indian descent, it looks like she used the money she made from modeling and acting to go to college.
Tania (Tracy Trinita) – Tania is a recently divorced woman who now works for Madam X to try to be able to see her daughter. Her husband wrongly accused her of cheating. Indonesian Tracy Trinita was a dancer in Zoolander, which gives me something extra to look for the next time I watch it.
Mimi (Rita Rudaini) – Mimi is the instant replacement for Sara. Mimi has a history with Zul, and ends up killing most of the bad guys. Rita Rudaini seems the most famous of the girls in the film, so that’s probably why. Rita Rudaini married Malaysian national football (soccer) team player Mohd Aidil Zafuan Abdul Radzak in 2008, (he has a twin who also plays.) It was her second marriage and she is pregnant at the time of me writing this. She also sung the theme song “Kekal”
Madam X (Nurul Jasmin Deo) – The Charlie of the group is Madam X, played by Nurul Jasmin Deo, who I am told is a veteran actress in Malay cinema and TV. Too bad I can’t find anything out about her! Madam X seems to run some sort of network, but it is not clear what she does.
Zul (Eizlan Yusof) – Edsa’s ex-boyfriend has gone rogue and gone evil, except he decides to go back to being good, but Edsa still tells him to frak off. But Mimi is ready to accept a traitor into her heart. There is no Dana, only Zul.
Datuk Azmi (Datuk Jalaluddin Hasan) – Evil rival of Madam X who is also searching for the missing treasure, and will kill everyone to get it. I guess they don’t have laws or anything in Malaysia that would prevent some crazy nut from shooting up Kuala Lampur in order to get some mystic treasure.
Commander Jiman (???) – Bald military leader who is the Boseley character. Teaches the girls how to be better at military tactics. He looks like a military leader from a film, so he fits in fine.
Sara (???) – Sara is the original third Angel, but she is killed and replaced instantly with Mimi. I guess your goofy boyfriend can’t save you now! No clue who played her.

Antoo Fighter

Antoo Fighter (Review)

Antoo Fighter


2008SinemaMalasysia Link
Directed by Azizi Chunk


What we got here is sort of Malaysian Ghostbusters, but they use stick weapons instead of proton packs. Instead of busting ghosts we’re fighting monsters and demons. The mood is humorous, not taken too seriously, sort of like the actual Ghostbusters. With people running around in wacky costumes fighting monsters, the film can’t not be entertaining, double negative or not. Good fun. What other film let’s you see a giant Monsters Inc. character battle a giant robot? Take that, Iron Man!

Poh Jee (Radhi) – Poh Jee is our hero who dreams of a life greater than his pest extermination business. When he finds out his grandfather is a former demon fighter and is killed, Poh Jee can finally become the hero he has always wished to be. Radhi is a musician and actor
Drakulat Van Listerooy (Awie) – Drakulat is a servent of Lord Sharon, father of Satan, and longs to bring his master into our realm. Drakulat has been trying to do so for decades. Is constantly defeated by demon fighters. Awie is an actor and singer whose full name is Ahmad Azhar Bin othman.
Atuk/Pak Din (Harun Salim Bachik) – Atuk/Pak Din is Poh Jee’s grandfather and the last of the demon fighters (because Gultur just quit.) He is killed when Drakulat is freed, and passes on his tools to his grandson.
Lara Lenjan (Scha) – Lara drives a taxi, and is luckily there when Poh Jee needs a vehicle to chase after his grandfather. It also turns out she is one of the chosen to fight demons. A tough girl who is almost always wearing a baseball cap. Scha’s full name is Sharifah Nor Azean Bt Syed Mahadzir. Imagine that on a marquee! She is a hostess, model, and actress who also speaks English. Check out her gallery.
Opie (Nasrizal Ngasri) – A tire thief who turns out to be one of the chosen to become the next generation of demon fighters. Opie has an abrasive personality, but as Poh Jee is also loud, he fits right into the group. Nasrizal Ngasri is an actor, and that is the entirety of the information about him in English online.
Rambo (Bront Palarae) – Rambo is the effeminate member of the group who gets the least amount of characterization. So I can’t really give you an idea as to what Rambo is, besides named after an American movie franchise. Bront Palarae is an actor, director, and writer.
Tasya (???) – Tasya is the other female member of the group, who is dressed up like a stereotypical conservative female bookworm. Thus Opie immediately takes a liking to her. She is the one to turn to when you need someone who has read the instructions manual for a device.

Cicak Man

Cicak Man (Review)

Cicak Man


2006
Directed by Yusry Kru

Cicak Man is Malaysia’s first super-hero film and was the first Malaysian film I saw. It is not a straight film, but instead a comedy, something I was not aware of when I watched it. In viewing many films from around the world, one thing you notice is some comedy translates well, and some comedy dies a horrible death under your sink. Usually, the more talky comedy is the hardest to translate, but there is another type that is hard to pass, and that is the comedy of body language. Many comedians throughout the world have their own body language types, and it is often interesting to seen what different people see as goofy comedy. Saiful Apek is a popular comedian in Malaysian and does what I am guessing is his signature goofy style, but to many outside observers I can see how it would translate poorly into some annoying guy with spastic convulsions. I am going to admit it took me a while to get used to how he acted, especially since I thought he was just the wacky sidekick character as Yusry Kru plays the confident ladies man part really well. But Saiful Apek’s Hairi Yatim ends up getting the genetic alterations that turn him into Cicak Man (Gecko Man) and inherits all the problems that entails. And he did eventually grow on me, but this is not a film that will have wide crossover appeal or show the world the wonders of Malaysian cinema.

Super hero comedies are not a new thing in Southeast Asia, the Philippines puts out dozens of such films and Thailand has their own brand of goofy films. Cicak Man tried to be a bit more ambitious than the usual “some comedian gets wacky super powers” route and went for creating a distinct universe for Cicak Man to take place in. The setting is the city of Metrofulus, which looks to be a cross of Chicago and Metropolis, with some San Francisco thrown in for kicks. The weather is snowy, nothing like the tropical climate of Malaysia. The money there is called fulus. There is also taxes on everything. Nothing is free in Metrofulus, from riding the bus to walking on the sidewalk. It is some sort of Libertopia, except Libertopia is threatened (besides from the fact that Libertarianism is stupid) by an evil professor looking to make money off of the cures for diseases he also designs himself. Hey, it’s a free market, baby! Thus, Cicak Man must stop him before it is too late.


Hairi Yatim (Saiful Apek) – A jumpy guy, he likes Tania but is too nervous. He sort of acts like a Wayans brother. Afraid of rubber. Saiful Apek was born Mohd Saifulazam Mohamed Yusoff and is a famous comedian in Malaysia
Cicak Man (Saiful Apek) – Part man, part cicak, all cop. Or not. Cicak Man has the powers of a gecko, which means he can climb on walls and promotes Geico.”Down, Down and Away!” is a catchphrase.
Dannial Johan (Yusry Kru) – confident ladies man and Hairi’s best friend. Works in the lab with Hairi Yusry Kru is called KRU member Yusry in his director’s credit. His real name is Yusry Abd Halim, and he not only wrote and directed this film, but the sequel as well. He gets all the credit, and the blame.
Professor Klon (Aznil Nawawi) – Professor Klon speaks in third person and is doing a Jim Carrey Riddler impression. He has the satan’s horns hairstyle down pat. Professor Klon invents viruses and their cures, then releases the viruses on the city and makes money off of his patented cures. Then he is ready to take over the country by replacing ministers with his evil replicants.
Tania Ashraf (Fasha Sandha) – Klon’s secretary and object of Hairi’s desires. Fasha Sandha is a model and actress, as well as a best-selling novelist. The best part about looking up photos of her online was running across fundamentalist Islamic websites showing pictures of her in a tank top as proof of the moral rot destroying Malaysia. If that is the case, then destroy away! According to the scandal blogs, she is a homewrecker and got her current man Rizal Ashram Ramli after she stole him from his pregnant wife. Check out this gallery of her pictures!
Ginger 1 (Adlin Aman Ramlie) – The Gingers are mute, reddish versions of those albino rasta twins from The Matrix Reloaded. They are Professor Klon’s enforcers and thus enemies of Cicak Man.
Ginger 2 (AC Mizal) – Ginger 2 is just like Ginger 1, except he collects stamps. Important difference.
Evil Cicak Man (???) – All heroes need evil duplicates of themselves, it’s the law. Evil Cicak Man has a black costume, which you can probably thank Spiderman for.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (Review)

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus


2009
Directed by Ace Hannah (who may or may not be Jack Perez)

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus exploded on the internet with a title. Buzz grew, because, what a title! Then production art and a few stills appeared, and finally, a trailer that became a viral hit. So here it is! As the film is from The Asylum, who has become famous in recent years due to their mockbusters (such as Transmorphers, Dragon, and The Terminators) which have a sketchy history, thus people were wondering if they could pull of a film with a title as great as Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. I am happy to say the film is not terrible. It is not boring. It could be better, but it is very good considering. There are plenty of ridiculous scenes, and they make the movie.

Why bother writing a big opening statement when everyone just wants to get to the monster action? So let’s get it on! The rumble in the jung—ocean. The motion in the ocean? Who cares, giant monsters fight each other and destroy things! Rock!


Dr. Emma MacNeil (Deborah Gibson) – Marine biologist, oceanographer, minisub pilot, and dedicated researcher who discovers the truth about a giant shark attacking things. And also about a giant octopus. If you don’t know who Debbie Gibson is, you are either way younger than me, or way older.
Dr. Lamar Sanders (Sean Lawlor) – Is Irish, but not named O’Sanders. Dr. Emma MacNeil’s mentor, and also a brilliant researcher in the field of Kool Aid mixing.
Dr. Seiji Shimada (Vic Chao) – Dr. Shimada is a Japanese scientist who is the one who uncovers the giant octopus attacks on his home country, along with working with overseas colleagues to find out two monsters are on the loose. He also gets to be Debbie Gibson’s lover, smashing Asian male stereotypes upside the head. Vic Chao has an amusing IMDB page and was on American Gladiators. He spends most of the film channeling George Takei.
Allan Baxter (Lorenzo Lamas) – Allan Baxter is a jerk and an equal opportunity racist. He works for the government, so you pay his salary. He heads the government’s task force to destroy the monsters. Lorenzo Lamas does a good job playing a complete jackoff.
Mega Shark (CGI) – Mega Shark is a Megalodon who is frozen in ice while battling his mortal enemy, giant octopus. Mega shark likes to eat bridges, jump out of the ocean and bite airliners, snack on submarines, and especially to destroy battleships.
Giant Octopus (CGI) – A giant octopus who was also trapped in ice. The giant tentacled monster heads towards Japan (no surprise), destroys oil rigs, looks at people, swats jets, and toys around with submarines. Fights his mortal enemy mega shark to the death.