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Flyer of Young Prodigal
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Flyer of Young Prodigal (Review)

December 31, 2009By

Flyer of Young Prodigal

aka Xin An Ping Zhui Xiang Qu

1978HKMDB Link
Directed by Yueh Chien-Feng

Another crazy Taiwanese fantasy film, complete with some random kaiju, dragons, people puking gas, sexy women seducing heroes, evil rapists dudes, a midget, guys who turns into lizards, and an annoying flying kid.

Annoying flying kids seems to be a common occurrence in Taiwanese films, which is a shame because they are annoying.

The film follows standard video game format of rescuing the princess (Mom) and fighting all sorts of various baddies on a mission, including several boss characters and gaining a few helper dudes along the way. And you get weapons upgrades. The video game connection is solidified by actual video game sound effects used in Flyer of Young Prodigal, even though this is years before video games were rescuing the princess.

Not much info on this one. Chang Yeong Yeong is listed as a star, but I don’t know who that is. Most of the other names I cannot read thanks to them being chopped off due to the fullscreen framing. So if anyone wants to send me a widescreen copy, go right ahead! We’ve reconstructed as much of the cast as we possibly can in the Roll Call.

Sheau-long (You Shean-Long/Yu Shein-Long) – This kid is annoying, but aren’t all kids in these films annoying? He isn’t super-annoying, but he’s still pretty darn annoying. And he’ll be crying all the time. Oh, and since his dad was murdered and his mother kidnapped, he has been trained by his Sifu and sets out to rescue his mom, slaying monsters all along the way. He is credited as “Genius Chird Actor” You Shean-Long. Don’t you know about the Chird? Everybody knows the Chird is the word!
Lien-hua (???) – Sheau-long’s mom, who manages to get kidnapped because her husband Yann-chang can’t defeat some simple demons who come to kill him and steal his wife. Lien-hua becomes a slave and I guess just sits around while Cha-tien Devil tries to get it on with a different woman who is never explained. I don’t know the villain’s motivation. Maybe he’s mad he didn’t get the complete set of The Great Muppet Caper collectible glasses and decided to take it out on the world.
Lui Yuan-long (Tsung Hua) – Good guy who can turn into a dragon and joins Sheau-long on his journey because he wants to get it on with his sister.
Sister (???) – The unnamed Sister of Sheau-long, who is another orphan raised by Sifu and trained in martial arts for eventual revenge on her parents’ killers, except she doesn’t get to have revenge in this film as she is too busy chasing after Sheau-long. This brat just cost us some female revenge movie time! That jerk…
Sifu (???) – Sifu who spends his days saving almost killed kids and training them for battle so they can plot revenge years later. He’s only done it twice, I guess it is a slow couple of decades for child murdering. That’s probably good for society, but bad for those of us who like revenge movies!
Cha-tien Devil (???) – The Evil Dude who is totally evil and kidnaps moms and has lots of demon guys working for him. How does he pay them? Does he have health insurance? What about matching contributions for the 401K? None of those important questions are answered.
Head Evil Woman (???) – The head evil woman who works for Cha-tien Devil. Despite the fact that her M.O. is to seduce and destroy her enemies, Cha-tien Devil is shocked and enraged by her seducing Lui Yuan-long. Thus, she gets killified.

Kinky Kong
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Kinky Kong (Review)

December 5, 2009By

Kinky Kong


2006
Directed by John Bacchus

Seduction Cinema vs. King Kong! It is a softcore King Kong erotic parody that actually does a good job of following the plot of King Kong. It was much more close than I was expecting, which was a great surprise. Seduction Cinema does put out a lot of garbage, but there are many jewels in the rough, and I am happy to report this is one of them. Kinky Kong was filmed after Misty Mundae left to pursue other options, so she won’t be joining us, though other Seduction Cinema regulars are present. John Bacchus and Seduction Cinema have a rich history of ultra-low budget softcore produtions, for those of you who aren’t familiar with the group, you have a lot of catching up to do. Try our reviews of That 70’s Girl, Bikini Girls On Dinosaur Planet, or Vampire Vixens to get acquainted with the production company. Then consult your local library. After you get kicked out of the library, consult your local internet. Just be sure to turn off the safe-search function.

This is not the first erotic King Kong film. Ignoring all those movies where girls just bone normal sized apes (a surprising amount of films, by the way) there are actual King Kong hardcore porns. The most famous is 1985’s King Dong, directed by Yancy Hendrieth and starring Crystal Holland.

Normally the Seduction Cinema sex scenes are incredibly long, to the point where I just list the time instead of mentioning the action. Someone must have set some standards, as now most of the sex scenes are exactly four minutes long. This ruins my time counting gimmick, so I guess I’ll have to go watch some of their older films to go back to that fun. Oh, well. Let me find my DVD of Playmate of the Apes…

Seymoure Ass (John Fedele) – The director who has the idea for their madcap adventure. Super flatulent, and has a ridiculous 1920s Brooklyn accent throughout the film.
Fannie Sparrow (Sabrina Faire) – Fannie Sparrow is the Ann Darrow, the girl Seymoure saves from shoplifting to star in his own film set on an island where there is a giant ape.
Charlina (Darian Caine) – This tough girl is the cook on the ship and also a lesbian extrodanaire. She knows that every situation can be solved with some lesbian sex. And she is right. See Darian Caine in Batbabe if you dare…
Brunhilda Patel (AJ Khan) – One of the native girls on the island who was starring in her own movie, and becomes one of Kinky Kong’s objects of affection. Another lesbian because you can’t have too many lesbians. See AJ Khan in Vampire Vixens and That 70’s Girl.
Jack Friskell (Duane Polcou) – John Driscoll is no hero now, instead being a sailor who is distrustful of women. So much he plays for the other team. Is in love with Kinky Kong, but Kong spurs his advances.
Kinky Kong (Dan Schwab) – He’s kinky. He’s kooky. He’s all together Kongy. He’s Kinky Kong, and he’s got a diaper full of love for every girl on the planet! No one can measure up to Kong, literally! Trapped on Bone Island, Kinky Kong is soon set free in New York City where the opportunities to live up to his given name are endless!
T-Rex (CGI and a rubber mask) – This Tyrannosaurus looks like he has a couple of branches missing from his family tree! His bad vibes almost ruin a perfectly good bout of lesbian sex, so Kinky Kong is forced to administer jungle law to keep the T-Rex from ruining everything. Kinky Kong is successful.

Honey Bunny Wildcats in Strip Royale
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Secret Undercover Agent: Wild Cats in Strip Royale (Review)

November 20, 2009By

Secret Undercover Agent: Wild Cats in Strip Royale

aka Himitsu Sennyu Sosakan – Wild Cats in Strip Royale

2008
Directed by Keiichi Kobayashi

Secret Undercover Agent Wildcats in Strip Royale continues the tradition of having weird microchips in fashion accessories that do amazing things started in the previous film. Wildcats in Strip Royale also continues the tradition of the film looking freaking gorgeous. The cinematographer should be doing mainstream work in Hollywood, not Japanese DTV exploitation trash. But Hollywood’s loss is our gain! In fact, a lot of directors in Japan get their start doing trashy exploitation work. That’s partially why a lot of the 1970s Sukeban films look so good, along with the hundreds of detective films and pinku films.

The biggest news of the sequel is that Haruna Yabuki left, and was replaced by Reon Kadena. As Reon Kadena has a much higher profile, this announcement caused a large amount of internet buzz that the first film just didn’t have. Although the internet buzz was pretty much “Hey, Reon Kadena is in a movie!” it was enough to raise the profile of the film far above the nothing the predecessor had.

Wildcats in Strip Royale does have a few other things going for it. It is obvious the actresses are having more fun in this one, Yuuri Morishita especially. Some of the costumes are pretty ridiculous and funner than in the original (the cats suits are actual cat suits!) and the plot is easier to follow without subtitles. Yes, that’s right, TarsTarkas.NET doesn’t need no stinking subtitles! I still don’t know the name of their agency or of some of the minor players, but such is life.

Quick lesson for everyone: In Japan, there are these supermodel girls called Idols. Some of them are just models, some do more than that such as singing and/or acting. The big Idols pull in a ton of cash, then marry some rich guy and retire. The lesser Idols do car shows and mall openings and marry midlevel accountants. Most of the bigger Idols have followings all over the web, and there are guys who just scan photobooks of models all day, or host websites that just catalog Idol pictures and news. Idols can specialize in certain genres, like the gravure Idols that star in the film, there are also AV Idols which is a nicer way of saying porn stars. This film will talk of Pure Idols, which is another term used but I don’t know exactly what it means. And let’s not forget the Idols who are thrown so whips can be received.

Honey (Reon Kadena) – Honey has changed! Is it no longer Haruna Yabuki and is now Reon Kadena. Also gone is a lot of the tough loner girl stuff Haruna Yabuki did, Reon’s take of Honey is snobbish at first, then she becomes totally into the Idol world. Honey is still down to business and will beat up guys all the time, so hooray for that! Check out the Reon Kadena Gallery
Bunny (Yuuri Morishita) – The simple and sweet agent with the big rack. Bunny now spends a lot of the film bending over while wearing a short skirt or dress. See Yuuri Morishita in Monster X Strikes Back and on her gallery page.
Capp (????) – We call this guy Capp because we aren’t sure of his character’s name. He is the agent in charge of this little spy ring.
Saki (Minami Otomo) – Reception girl for the spy agency, also specializes as a bartender when doing undercover work in big stings. Although she has more lines in this film, she still doesn’t seem to do much.
Nervous Guy (???) – The other male agent in the spy agency, Nervous Guy is sort of shy but doesn’t really do much except provide someone for Capp to talk to when the girls are undercover. Joins in on big stings like Saki does. I am not sure of his character’s name, either.
Shitagi (Fumie Nakajima) – The evil boss from the previous film shows up again. We also find out she is working for someone even more evil.
Kaori (???) – The new girl and Pure Idol who wants the Wildcats to investigate a series of Nude Pure Idol incidences. I will investigate that for free.

Honey Bunny Secret Undercover Agents
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Secret Undercover Agent: Honey & Bunny (Review)

November 16, 2009By

Secret Undercover Agent: Honey & Bunny

aka Himitsu Sennyuu Sousakan: Honey & Bunny

2007
Directed by Keiichi Kobayashi
Written by Yoshiyuki Morita

From the land of Japan comes the first of the Secret Undercover Agent films, what is basically a showcase for two gravure idols. For those of you who don’t speak Japanophile, gravure idols are models that pose almost naked, but not quite naked. Thus we have no nudity and have to make due with implied nudity. Don’t blame me for the lack of naked chicks, this is purely a Japanese phenomenon. The two gravure idols are Haruna Yabuki and Yuuri Morishita.

The plot of this and the sequel is there is a secret organization whose name I haven’t ever figured out that does James Bond-type work in the fashion industry. So I am guessing Zoolander was also an inspiration. This allows for the girls to wear lots of skimpy outfits, while at the same time there being action and other things happening. What makes the Secret Undercover Agent movies stand out is they are beautifully shot. They seriously have some of the best cinematography I have ever seen in what is essentially an exploitation film. The film was written by Yoshiyuki Morita and directed by Keiichi Kobayashi, so they get the majority of the credit and blame.

The DVDs come lacking English subtitles, so there will be certain things we are guessing at. At TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles! Another guess is at some of the character names, our rudimentary translation skills were put to the test and found lacking (partially because I didn’t want to devote three times the amount of time trying to find out a character’s name than I was spending writing the whole review!)

Now, we must try not to let exploitation films speak for a culture as a whole, though it does speak for a subculture of the main culture. Do you want Japan judging us based solely on The Hills Have Eyes 2? As far as exploitation flicks go this is pretty tame and would barely even qualify, if it wasn’t so blatant on showing off the gravure girls it could even pass itself off as a comedy.

Honey (Haruna Yabuki) – Shoe-throwing tough girl who spends most of the film not trying to care about anyone. I embarrassed by the smallness of her mammaries. Haruna Yabuki is a gravure model so there are a lot of pictures of her in skimpy clothes around the internet. She does not return for the sequel and the role of Honey is recast. But check out this gallery of images!
Bunny (Yuuri Morishita) – The newest agent, simple and sweet, also has a big rack. Said sweetness and big rackness makes Honey treat her with disdain at first. Yuuri Morishita can also be seen in Monster X Strikes Back.
Capp (???) – We call this guy Capp because we aren’t sure of his character’s name, though it might be Kamakita or Hanzai. He is the agent in charge of this little spy ring, and spends most of the film lusting after Honey.
Saki (Minami Otomo) – Reception girl for the spy agency, also specializes as a bartender when doing undercover work in big stings.
Nervous Guy (????) – The other male agent in the spy agency, Nervous Guy is sort of shy but doesn’t really do much except provide someone for Capp to talk to when the girls are undercover. Joins in on big stings like Saki does. I am not sure of his character’s name, but it might be Hacebe.
Shitagi (Fumie Nakajima) – The boss where Bunny interviewing for a job as a bondage gravure model and involved in some sort of illegal shenanigans. Is a fashion dictator, but manages to escape in the end. I am not sure what her name is, but she was involved in launching the Shitagi Collection so we are calling her Shitagi.

bratz babiez movie
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Bratz Babyz (Review)

November 13, 2009By

Bratz Babyz


2006
Directed by Davis Doi
Written by John Doolittle

AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, no… NOOO! Not more Bratz movies! Okay, the live action one wasn’t terrible, but the cartoon ones are simply awful. And now we have them in Muppet Babies form! Yes, instead of teenage girls dressing as slores with giant eyes, now we have two year olds dressing as slores with giant eyes. What wonderful toys for your young daughters!

We need an update as to the status of The Bratz toyline since out other two reviews. Bratz was the center of a lawsuit where Mattel filed suit against MGA for infringement claiming the Bratz concept was developed by employees of Mattel who were still working at Mattel at the time. Mattel eventually won, and it was announced that the Bratz line would be pulled from store shelves after the Christmas 2008 season (the ruling was appealed and the Bratz line will be on shelves at least through 2009.) In 2009, Mattel came out with the Moxie Girlz line, which is an attempt to replace the Bratz. But then more lawyers showed up as artist Bernard “Butch” Belair declared the Bratz design was stolen from him and he sued both Mattel and MGA. Bernard “Butch” Belair claims to be from Brooklyn, NY, but I have it on good authority he is from West Philadelphia, born and raised, on the playground is where he spent most of his days…

The Bratz Babyz line was brought in as part of the Bratz strategy of flooding the market with everything Bratz in order to suck up every last cent from Mommy’s pocketbook. Bratz Babyz were epecially designed to hook young girls before they can even form complete sentences into the world of Bratz. They also were the target of several criticisms over the Bratz Babyz toys, including the “Babyz Night Out” fashion pack, the “Brattoo Parlor” playset (where your three-year-old can give herself a tramp stamp tattoo!), and the Big Babyz toys wearing what looks like thongs (but is just some plastic molding designed to prevent their skirts from riding up.)

This was the first Bratz Babyz movie, followed later by Bratz Super-Babyz, where the babies are superheroes.

Hey, that stuff was far too serious! How many of you were truely interested in the history of the Bratz Babyz franchise? Really? Well, all of you are freaks.

Bratz Babiez does us the disservice of not saying who voiced who in the credits. It’s like they are mocking me, personally. Damn you, Bratz Babiez!

Yasmin (Maryke Hendrikse) – The Latina Bratz who is the peacemaker of the group.
Cloe (???) – The blonde and default leader of the Bratz Babiez. Constantly comes up with schemes to try to make money to rescue the lost puppy, but they all blow up in her face.
Sasha (???) – Sasha is the Black Bratz who is sassy because all Black women are sassy, or so say stereotypes in movies.
Jade (???) – Jade is the Asian Bratz because we needed another ethnic group.
Nora (???) – Nora is the timid twin who loses Snappy because she is timid. Learn some self-respect, girl, or you will be working at a truck stop later in life.
Nita (???) – Nita is the mean twin who blames everything on Nora, who is too timid to stand up for herself.
Duane (???) – The evil Duane has a small brain but loves to pick on two year olds. He finds Snappy and demands $50 for the puppy’s return, thus causing the rest of the film to happen.

Is it sad I know these four main characters without cheating by now? They all have a pet or something, including Cloe’s pig with wings, Yasmin’s frog, Jade’s cat, and Sasha’s rabbit.

merciful buddha
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Merciful Buddha (Review)

November 6, 2009By

The Merciful Buddha

aka A mi de dao

1979
Directed by Tyrone Hsu Tien-Yung

Merciful Buddha is a Taiwanese fantasy film with a lot of crazy effects that aren’t like anything you have seen recently. Unless you are the kind of guy who watches a lot of these films. Crazy fantasy effects, fairy girls, immortal dudes, horses with human heads, giant monkeys, shape changing, earthquakes, and

This is a pretty confusing film with a bunch of wacky, crazy, goofy stuff going on. So the summary is filled with best guesses at times, but unless you are an expert in the film Merciful Buddha you will probably be just as confused as we are. Just my luck and some guy who wrote a doctoral thesis on Merciful Buddha will soon write complaining of the film’s representation on TarsTarkas.NET. Well, screw ’em!

This copy of the film is from a VHS tape (because there is no way this will be on remastered DVD because the world hates people like me.) It is also dubbed into Thai, but it has subtitles! Subtitles that are cut off because the movie is fullscreen while it was filmed in widescreen. And often the subtitles are white on white background so they are even more unreadable. But this is a common complaint, as regular readers and regular watchers of random foreign junk are well aware. Tyrone Hsu Tien-Yung directed several other Taiwanese fantasy films including Golden Nun and The Demons in the Flame Mountain, which I am namedropping because I have copies lying around somewhere.

Master Huang Wan Hsi (Chui Yuk-Sang) – The rich nice guy in town who everyone loves except for Master Wu. But Master Huang is too nice to notice. Father of Ah Mei, who is a Fairy Princess. The subtitles can’t keep how to spell his name straight and it also shows up as Hwang Wun Hsi and Hwang Yuan Wai.
Master Wu Ching (Wong Fei) – Master Wu Ching is the local town rich jerk. Think Mr. Potter. Mr. Burns. Grand Moff Tarkin. Scar. Captain Hook. Little Red Riding Hood. Okay…where was I? Master Wu’s servant is named Ah Ken and his son is Wu Ai. Wu Ai is raised by bandits who kill Master Wu in poetic karma stuff.
Ah Mei (Au-Yeung Ling-Lung) – the daughter of Master Huang who is actually Fairy Princess Hsueh Hua She was dropped off in town for a mission that is never specificed. She might also be Fairy O Mei, but who knows? And since she took over the daughter, Master Huang’s real daughter had to have been murdered. Just think about that! The movie sure didn’t.
Ah To (Kao Yuen) – The son of Master Wu, formally named Wu Ai, who is raised by two criminals who killed his parents, Master Fan and Master Yang Lio Feng. Ah To rejects his evil upbringing and goes good.
Stone Monkey God (a chimp and Man In Suit) – Stone Monkey God guy lived in a mountain and glowed his eyes and stuff until one day he ran off and caused trouble until he was trapped in a bottle and turned into a bear thief and then escaped and went back to live in a mountain. He 420s every day!
Lu Tung Ping (???) – A glowing god guy who is one of the Eight Immortals. He helps Ah Mei and Ah To while keeping Stone Monkey God in line.
Master Yang Lio Feng (Lung Tien-Hsiang) – A criminal who raises Ah To as his own son. Has piles and piles of gold he got thanks to using the Monkey God for theft.
Master Fan (Chin Lung) – Criminal accomplice to Master Yang and co-dad to Ah To. Is this a Taiwanese version of My Two Dads? If Paul Rudd shows up, I quit!

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