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Baby Dolls Behind Bars (Review)

Baby Dolls Behind Bars


2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Actual police uniform!

Once again we step into the wonderful world of films from late night Cinemax! And once again, it’s a Fred Olen Ray joint! Yes, Baby Dolls Behind Bars is more 2am camp for your viewing pleasure. Even though the company name on the door is now Synthetic Filmwerx LLC as opposed to Retromedia or American Independent Productions, the cast is the same gang and the locations and music are all familiar elements. These erotic parody Bikini flicks are the ultimate rep theater, reusing plots and actors to come up with interesting scenarios and B-movie inspired plotlines at a rapid pace that would kill many big money Hollywood production companies. It’s modern day movie magic, even studios like The Asylum or some of the SyFy Channel companies don’t reuse sets and actors so efficiently, nor are they as creative.

Of course, since these flicks feature people bumping uglies as their main attraction, they aren’t going to get all the high praise from the critics. But we here at TarsTarkas.NET will high praise whoever we damn well please! You can take your Tomato-meter and toss it out a window! Because the point of these films is to have a good entertaining time while also providing naked people engaging in recreational activities that involve nakedness, the added imagination and fun are a welcome addition and the reason it is so much fun to watch each installment.

And Catwoman fan fiction has hit the big time!

This time we jump into the world of Women in Prison flicks. Remember, this is a Bikini flick, so don’t expect one of them dirty, gritty women in prison flicks. This is a bubblegum camp women in prison flick style similar to Bikini Chain Gang. It’s still low budget. In fact, outside of the main actors, there are no extras at all, not even other prisoners or even guards at the prison! Must be minimum security. All the familiar elements that make these films so charming are there, including a plot that I expect Law & Order: SVU to rip off next season!

We have an entire collection of Fred Olen Ray Bikini flick goodies for you to also check out: Bewitched Housewives, Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, Bikini Airways, Bikini Royale, Bikini Frankenstein, Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite, Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros, Bikini Chain Gang, Bikini Pirates, and Dirty Blondes From Beyond. They feature the entire gauntlet of B-film scenarios and wacky goofiness, which means an actual plot to go along with the softcore shenanigans.

I’m just so….evil! I love it!

But enough about other films, it’s time to check out these Baby Dolls Behind Bars!

Sissy Dunlop (Jazy Berlin) – Ditzy police officer who does the right thing even if it angers the mayor’s family. She stands up to power and doesn’t let them get off above your fellow man. And she probably doesn’t even know they’re powerful. Her family is a poor mountain family like all police officers everywhere.
Matron Grell (Christine Nguyen) – Matron of the jail who will be giving Sissy a hard time while she’s doing hard time. Also possibly evil…
Maggie Grey (Erika Jordan) – The famous cat burglar (who probably enjoys being on hot tin roofs, if you know what I mean…) who has been caught but is somehow still stealing things. It is a mystery!
Jack Randolph (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – A defense attorney who becomes obsessed with freeing Sissy from her bonds and from her clothes.
Inspector Bill Hartford (Michael Gaglio) – Cop in charge of the undercover program to send Sissy to find out about Maggie’s dealings and thievings. I’m sure he’s on the level.
Judge Raymond Bean (Dale DaBone as Dale Rutter) – The most casual judge in the universe, and also one of the most crafty.
Baker (Jenna Presley) – She may seem like just a court stenographer, but she’s also a great planner and comes up with the megaplot to expose corruption!
Security Guard (Jade Starr) – The crafty security guard who takes down one of the world’s greatest thieves and still has some fun…
I’m no expert, but I think they should be wearing flip-flops in that communal shower…

The Ginseng King (Review)

The Ginseng King

aka 三頭魔王 aka Three-Head Monster

1988
Written by Chu Yue-Lam and Kwok Cheun-Ming
Directed by Wang Chu-Chin


It’s Taiwanese Kaiju Time again! Today’s installment features the fantastical flick The Ginseng King, the story of a kid and an old ginseng guy, and all the freaky deaky stuff they encounter along the way. Many of which are giant monsters that look like they’re made out of roots and tubers. This is one of the least annoying kids in Taiwanese cinema, probably due to the fact he doesn’t whine all the time nor flying around like a crazy person, he’s just a kid trapped in a world gone to crazytown.

The Ginseng King seems mostly a children’s film, though it does feature a bit of disturbing imagery, and some naked woman behind! So it’s perfect for kids! Ginseng King is a mishmash of influences, and manages to come out with something new and strange. It’s also pretty entertaining, with nary a boring part, and a constant influx of new fantasy creations to see. The shame is it is so hard to get a good copy of The Ginseng King.

Hsiaoming (Chan Ying-Kit) – Young boy whose quest to find herbs to help his sick mother gets him involved in magic ginseng, Nazi zombies, crazy witch women, cloaked fiends, three-headed monsters, giant mythical creatures, and cranky old men. You know, a typical Thursday…
Grandpa Earthgod (???) – Local crazy old man guilted into helping Hsiaoming. He also had nothing better to do, anyway.
1000 Year Old Ginseng (???) – A magical root that turned into human form, and who looks like Dobby from Harry Potter. 1000 Year Old Ginseng is always wandering around ancient Chinese forests for some reason.
Princess Hsiaoli (Cynthia Khan) – Evil Princess leading the goons tracking down the 1000 Year Old Ginseng. Or is she…. Cynthia Khan is also in Tomb Raiders/The Avenging Quartet
Three-Headed Demon King (???) – Three heads are worse than none with this triple-jerk! He leads Devil Mountain after overthrowing Princess Hsiaoli’s mom and imprisoning her, and quests to eat the 1000 Year Old Ginseng in order to get even more powerful!

The Legend of Mother Goddess (Review)

The Legend of Mother Goddess

aka 天后 aka Tian Hou Chuan aka 天后傅 aka 媽祖收妖

1975
Written and directed by Hou Cheng

The Legend of Mother Goddess is a biopic of the religious figure Mazu (aka Matsu/妈祖), known as the Goddess of the Sea. To make things more interesting, the producers threw in a bunch of giant monsters and fantasy elements, thus giving the film legs in the Western cult movie circuit. Worship of Mazu began over 1000 years ago and there are temples all over the world. Find one today! Legend of Mother Goddess even tells the tale of how Mazu got her two guardian guys.

The first tape I got had Korean subs written over the Chinese/English subs, and thanks to a second generation vhs transfer, the English subs were hard to read. Thus…the names might not be right. Who to blame? Obviously, the person to blame is President Taft. That fat bastard! Luckily I later got a better copy with good subtitles, so although it looks way better, I can’t use my cool “We don’t need no stinking subs” tag. Woe is me…

If you wish to learn more about Taiwanese Kaiju, there is a two part Infernal Brains podcast on the subject, here and here.

Lam Mak-Leung (Chia Ling) – aka Goddess Matsu aka Mother Goddess gets a magic book that cures sick people, fights dragons and brings happiness. Thus, she is worshiped as Goddess of Heaven. I’m pulling all the names from what the subtitles say, even if the official Romanization of 林默娘 is Lin Moniang. Chia Ling is also known as Judy Lee thanks to distributors cashing in on Bruce Lee.
White Dragon (???) – A magic kid who lives in a well who turns into a white dragon. White Dragon gives Mak-Leung a wordless book direct from God that she’s supposed to study, and White Dragon will be living in the well ready to help her when she needs it because he’s being punished.
White Dragon (Puppet) – The dragon form of White Dragon.
Inspector Yuen Lam of Meichow (Fang Mian) – Lam Mak-Leung’s long-suffering father, who keeps having daughter after daughter after daughter. Which is shameful because back then people were dumb like that.
Ears of 1000 Miles (???) – Demon creature who can hear 1000 miles. He’s running around being a jerk until Lam Mak-Leung outsmarts them and forces them to be servants and good. Based on legendary guardian general “With-the-Wind Ear” (順風耳/Shunfeng Er) who is usually depicted as green with one horn.
Eyes of 1000 Miles (Wang Tai-Lang) – Demon creature who can see 1000 miles. He’s also running around being a jerk until Lam Mak-Leung stops by. Based on legendary guardian general “Thousand Miles Eye” (千里眼/Qianli Yan) who is usually depicted as red with two horns.
Monster (Man in suit!) – A giant Godzilla-ish dinosaur who sucks in the wind and clouds. Lives in the Western Mountains. The monster suit was used in Boy in a Magic Box.
Huge dragon guy (Puppet) – The ghost of the monster calls his brother to avenge his death, his brother lives in the ocean and is a huge dragon guy. He floods Meichow, which is the town Mak-Leung lives in. The dragon demands Mak-Leung for revenge, but that White Dragon who lives in a well pops out and we got a dragon fight! Two dragon puppets battle it out. You have never seen such hot dragon fighting action between two dragon puppets.

The Babymakers

The Babymakers


2012
Written by Peter Gaulke and Gerry Swallow
Directed by Jay Chandrasekhar


The Babymakers is an uneven comedy that fits some gut-busting grossout scenes and witty banter among some awkward relationship interactions. It is a bank heist film, but the bank is filled with jizz and the goal is to knock up a wife, not get rich. So basically it’s Heat, except funny. Okay, it’s nothing like Heat. Some moments shine so bright they blot out the sun, and some moments leave you bored and wondering when the funny will return again.

If you are familiar with Jay Chandrasekhar’s prior work, you probably know what type of gross out humor to expect from an R-rated comedy of his. They will happen. And not to be left alone, fellow Broken Lizard member Kevin Heffernan is also there as Wade, one of the best friends of Tommy. Despite the cast reunion, this isn’t a Broken Lizard film, though it does feature some similar humor.

Tommy (Paul Schneider) – Our hero, who fires more blanks than the bad guys in Die Hard 2! Luckily, Tommy gave sperm ages ago which can be used to produce an offspring with his wife. If he can get the sperm before it’s too late…
Audrey (Olivia Munn) – Tommy’s wife and pregnancy attemptor. Olivia Munn gets unfairly maligned by “gamer” dudes in some sort of “fake geek girl” controversy that’s amusing only in that the people who complain about her are usually awful. Unfortunately, any legitimate criticism of her is clouded beneath this crap. Munn is not awful here, but at times her interactions with Schneider are more forced than other times. I think it’s because they used Audrey as both a “just one of the guys” girl to deliver crass lines, and also as the “loyal wife” character to be betrayed by Tommy’s latest shenanigans whenever the plot needed it. Luckily, “just one of the guys” is there near the end of the film when the heist goes down.
Wade (Kevin Heffernan) – One of Tommy’s best friends and catalyst to setting up the sperm heist plan.
Zig-Zag (Nat Faxon) – Tommy’s less intelligent best friend who will bear the brunt of the jokes, especially from Ron Jon.
Ron Jon (Jay Chandrasekhar) – A former Indian mob man who is hired to help get the spunk. He’s very lonely and very angry. Jay Chandrasekhar also directed The Babymakers.

Janram (Review)

Janram

aka Blind Moon aka จันทร์แรม

2004
Written by Varapon H. Phadungratna
Directed by Kirati Nak-Intanond

There’s a storm coming…a BLOOD STORM!!!

Janram is a Thai film from Niepce House, which is related to Natnalin Magazine, an art magazine from Thailan named after its founder, Natnalin Noimai, a photographer. The magazine has a heavy art bent, and the related features and enterprises on the website also trend towards the art direction. It did well enough that they started up a moving picture divsion to try to cash in on the Asian Horror craze that was sweeping the world in the early 2000s. From what I can tell, they produced only two films: Janram and Secret Room No.7, both released in 2004. Janram is heavily weighted to show visuals, visuals that have the appearance of the way fine art photographs would look in an arty black and white photoshoot. This is all well and good, but moving film is a different medium than still photography, so the correlation seems odd at times. It gives Janram a more high class feel, which strikes a stark contrast with what is actually happening in the story, with lesbian vampire schoolgirls.

Janram is based on a serialized story called Janram by Poomkamol Phadungratna that was incomplete at the time of filming. As Niepce House is a company set up by artists, the few films it made were more “artistic” than anything else. But they were also horror films, mostly so they could sell them overseas. This film is packed to the gizzards with weird stylized stuff – it has a washed out appearance most of the time, allowing for when there is blood for it to be bright bright bright red and contrast sharply with the rest of the film. Beyond that, there are random odd zooms and the camera is constantly moving like the cameraman was wearing rollerblades or something. As usual, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

The line for the midnight premiere of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 started before Part 1 hit the theaters!

The best part of this film was the two trailers before the film. One was of a haunted bra film – yes, haunted bra film. You see, if you put on this haunted bra, a ghost would appear and your bra would glow all yellow and you would be possessed by a ghost. Apparently women trade bras often, so dozens of women wear the haunted bra, which hunts down the people who killed and raped it’s original owner. Oddly enough, the English name for this film is Haunted Bra.

There was also a Naked Weapon knockoff film complete with crappy version of the Sharon Stone Basic Instinct leg crossing scene. The budget was about $4, but it’s probably at least as good as the real Naked Weapon. As far as I can tell, this doesn’t have an English name, but goes by นางฟ้า ต้องประหาร. If it ever gets back in print I’ll snatch up a copy for thrill of it all. Thanks to ThaiWorldView for helping me figure out the title!

Vampires also double as photo-negative safe lights for darkrooms!

Janram (Jintana Aromyen) – Just your average lesbian vampire schoolgirl who slowly eats all her lovers to death, yet doesn’t seem to realize that she’s killing all of them and gets depressed when they keep dying. But that doesn’t stop her from hooking up again and again with a constant parade of young lasses. The upper class Janram lives with her creepy grandma who is always silently craddling a doll and her mother. Actress Jintana Aromyen is also in Gonggoi: The Beast and 2004’s Ghost Dormitory
Ming (Maethinee Suwanjinda) – Janram’s lover who dies near the beginning of the film. Like you expect from a vampire flick, she returns very hungry and very upset that Janram has moved on to a new girl. It’s going to be a chick fight tonight!
Sassy (???) – As I couldn’t figure out her name, I just called her Sassy because she’s very sassy to everyone. Sassy has always hated Ming for reasons unknown, and she has no qualms on moving in on Ming’s territory once she dies. But then Ming comes back, but Janram now likes Sassy more… I think this is actress Bussakum Apithanarak but I am not sure.
I must stay away from the audio adaptations of Warhammer novels…but Gotrek and Felix can’t be resisted!

Bad Girls Doing Bad Things (Review)

Bad Girls Doing Bad Things


2003
Written by Anora Leachim
Directed by Francis Locke

Sarah’s Living Room Bookstore was soon crushed by the Barnes & Nobles opening in her bathroom…

It’s time for yet another Torchlight Pictures/Francis Locke softcore production with a ridiculous plot and overly-long sex scenes! Bad Girls Doing Bad Things is about girls that are “good” girls attempting to dirty up their image to impress some random guy. Thanks to this instructional video, we now know what “bad” girls are – girls who watch people have sex in the club. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. So let’s get the other half going as we dive right in to Bad Girls Doing Bad Things!

If we were any badder, Michael Jackson would have sung a song about us!

Bad Girls Doing Bad Things is among the most fun of the Torchlight Pictures catalogue, largely due to the character of Keith ragging on the good girls for being so boring, and their lame attempts to be cool. It still has the Torchlight Pictures characteristics of overly-long sex scenes, minimal plot, and scenes shot in abandoned buildings or the director’s living room. Oddly enough, I didn’t spot a hotel room in the mix, unless the hallways that look like a parking garage were actually a hotel parking garage.

Besides being produced and directed by Francis Locke, Blade Simpson continues to provide music while the “written by” credits an “Anora Leachim” (obviously a real name and not someone’s name backwards!)

I’ll go ENTER in the EXIT door! It’s totally a bad girl thing to do!

Karen (August Arroya) – A good girl in a good world, but her world is shattered when Keith makes fun of her for being a dork! Can you believe it? So she decides to totally go bad, because that’s what happens in real life.
Keith Oswald (Remy)- He’s the bad guy who has come to teach these good girls how to be bad girls doing bad things. That way they can fit in with the title of the movie!
Janine (Serrano Rios) – A worker at Karen’s bookstore who is also a good girl despite evidence to the contrary. But because she’s so anal she drives men away, until she learns to be bad, which means having sex with Keith.
Rex (Scott Alexander) – The other guy in club whom you might know from Dirty Blondes. He’s just as good of an actor here as in Dirty Blondes, but at least they’re using him in a more useful way.
Scarlet (Teanna Kai) – Another Dirty Blondes alumnus, she is a bad girl. Like all bad girls, she loves the Power Glove because it is so bad. And also having sex in public.
Dawn (Jana Cova) – She’s just a random club member of Dungeon who has lesbian sex with Scarlet. Totally not a Dirty Blonde on vacation…
I object, this isn’t a bad thing at all!