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A Dolphin Tale
InGood, Movie Reviews

Dolphin Tale (Review)

September 18, 2011By

Dolphin Tale

Dolphin Tale
201
Directed by Charles Martin Smith
Written by Karen Janszen and Noam Dromi
Dolphin Tale
TarsTarkas.NET scored another free advanced screening because we’re awesome, and this time we saw the family film Dolphin Tale in 3D. And once again we’re giving a positive review to a film we saw for free. Let’s the claims that we’ve sold out begin! Because they are all dirty dirty lies. One day we’ll see something awful…but not today.

Dolphin Tale is a good family film, and as it is loosely based on a true story it is one of those inspirational films we don’t have enough of. The major problem with films like these is making them feel good without becoming gigantic cheese factories. Dolphin Tale manages to avoid most of those pitfalls and presents us with a story that seems plausible. The film throws in some traditional storytelling arcs around a child protagonist in order to capture the largest possible potential audience. And it is a good choice, as it is hard to structure a story around a character that isn’t human and can’t talk except for squeals and whistles. Even SeaQuest DSV had to have humans around their dolphin!
Dolphin Tale
A fisherman and a child named Sawyer Nelson find a dolphin stranded on the beach, entangled in a crab trap and badly injured. The Sea Animal Rescue crew is called in and take the dolphin away, but the normally jaded and withdrawn Sawyer is strangely concerned about the dolphin’s fate and sneaks into the rehabilitation center. He befriends Hazel, the daughter of the doctor who runs the place, and soon is involved in the rehabilitation of Winter the dolphin.
Dolphin Tale

Sawyer Nelson (Nathan Gamble) – Sawyer has gone bitter since his dad ran off years ago, interested in nothing except looking up to his older cousin, remote controlled helicopters, and failing school. But finding an injured dolphin by the sea changes his life and gives him the first sense of joy he’s had for years. His mom is a single nurse Lorraine Nelson (Ashley Judd), who is your typical struggling single mom. Nathan Gamble is probably best known for being Commissioner Gordon’s son in The Dark Knight. His acting here is more muted, and fades in comparison to…
Hazel Haskett (Cozi Zuehlsdorff) – Dr. Haskett’s daughter who works at the Sea Animal Rescue hospital and befriends Sawyer. Good thing there was a kid his age! Otherwise Sawyer would have to find out about Winter via text messaging or something. This is Cozi Zuehlsdorff’s first film, and she acts rings around some of the other characters, though she does tend to overact.
Dr. Clay Haskett (Harry Connick Jr.) – Marine biologist who runs the Sea Animal Rescue hospital, father of Hazel, and swinging bachelor. His dad Reed is Kris Kristofferson, so he comes from a long line of cool. Dr. Haskett is too busy trying to save animals to worry about funding his hospital, which helps define the third act after the random hurricane.
Dr. Cameron McCarthy (Morgan Freeman) – Morgan Freeman pops up eventually as a doctor who makes artificial limbs. He’s enlisted by Sawyer to make an artificial fin for Winter.
Winter (herself, CGI, and puppets) – Winter is the dolphin who has a tale about losing her tail. Hey, I just got the pun in the title! Just kidding, I got it like five minutes ago…
Rufus (some Pelican and CGI) – The surprise standout of Dolphin Tale, Rufus shows up a lot in the film harassing various characters and stealing all the scenes he’s in. He also eats fish and lives on a roof, hence the name, Ceiling! I mean, Rufus.

Dolphin Tale

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

cyberbu//y (Review)

September 16, 2011By

cyberbu//y

aka Cyberbully

2011
Directed by Charles Binamé
Written by Teena Booth

cyberbully
Nothing can ever go wrong now that I have a computer!

cyberbu//y is an ABC Family original movie presentation designed to teach America about the dangers of cyberbullying. It’s also the most hilarious movie about the internet since Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life. There are so many goofy things going on it is hard to keep track. But we will try, because we are TarsTarkas.NET – cyberbullies!

cyberbully
When Goatse strikes…

Join us as we watch a teenage girl’s life be destroyed by the internet! Keep in mind teenage girls get their lives destroyed all the time, usually due to Jennifer being a bitch. Damn you, Jennifer! Why you gotta be a bitch all the time? Don’t be talking to Justin in math class!

cyberbully
Oh my god Becky look at her butt. Her butt is so big that she needs 2 cars. One for her…and one for her butt.

Can Linsay’s fragile mind handle the harsh social complexities that is the modern internet? Or will she be destroyed, body, mind, and soul, snuffed out like a candle in the wind. The internet wind.

cyberbully
And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters, which the LORD thy God hath given thee, in the siege, and in the straightness, wherewith thine enemies shall distress thee.

Taylor Hillridge (Emily Osment) – This Taylor’s not so swift. Your average girl with an internet connection, except Taylor takes everything so serious that even the slightest deviation can cause tears to flow like monsoon rain. Can Taylor stand up to the cyberbullies? Or will she be cyberdefeated?
Samantha Caldone (Kay Panabaker) – Taylor’s best friend and the embittered former partner of a jock, who loved and left her, causing Samantha to freak out at the slightest mention of jocks. Then Samantha goes even more crazy. So we got a Taylor and a Samantha, and there is an evil girl at school named Lindsay. Lindsay Lohan used to date a Samantha, and if we pretend Taylor is Taylor Swift, this all begins to make sense. Now…who is Kanye West in this scenario?
Kris Hillridge (Kelly Rowan) – Taylor’s mom who is totally channeling Judith Light. But she’s no Angela. Mom spends most of the film being unaware of anything, then the last thirty minutes overcompensating by becoming the most productive mom ever. Even then, she only wins by luck.
Scott Ozsik (Jon McLaren) – Scott is the cute jock who has eyes for Taylor, causing Samantha to go nuts with rage. For once, the jock is not a bad guy. That much. Until he goes to college and joins to Alpha Betas and goes up against the Tri-Lams!
Cheyenne Mortenson (Meaghan Rath) – Taylor’s black friend because we needed to throw in some diversity. Bails the second Taylor becomes a liability. There is no famous Cheyenne to go with my Lohan/Swift/Sam theory, unless you count Cheyenne Kimball, who I have never heard of. So let’s pretend her name is Kardashian
James Petitious (iStock Photo) – He’s so real, a guy who cares about girls feelings and reads the poetry that girls put up on their pages. There are so many signs this guy is fake he should be named James McFakefake. My vote for Kanye West.
cyberbully
The Internet…made me….Avril Lavigne!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Model Solution (Review)

September 8, 2011By

The Model Solution


2002
Directed by Edward Holzman

The Model Solution is about the tough as nails business of running a modeling agency and having sex and doing girls and making love. But mostly having sex and doing girls and making love. It’s from the Indigo Entertainment family of films, which were noted for bigger budgets, higher quality, better scripts than the average softcore productions coming out as the millennium changed. The Model Solution is no different, an entertaining film even if you ignore the sex scenes, largely due to the likeability of Sebastien Guy, who makes everything watchable. One of the amazing things is how many of the actors are going by different names than they are usually credited by. It’s like everyone drew an alias out of a hat and used that. Besides the main cast aliases, Kimber Lynn is Kimberlee Castaic, Katie Lohmann is Katie Lohman, April Flowers is Diana Espen, Sasha Peralto is Sasha Rochelle, GiGi Erneta is Gigi Erneta, and Kimberly Fisher is Kimberly Kay. I’d make a flow chart, but I’m lazy.

As this stars Sebastien Guy like The Sex Substitute and The Sex Substitute Two, I consider this the unofficial third Sex Substitute film, where instead of accidentally substituting for sex therapists, the character has branched out into the world of modeling. And as Sebastien Guy left the world of softcore films to become an actual model, real life validates my theory. That is why TarsTarkas.NET is the number one website about theories of The Model Solution. And if I see any more Sebastien Guy films, I’ll just add them to the Sex Substitute canon somehow. That’s how we roll here. Girl for Girl, I will fit you in somehow!

Director Edward Holzman helmed the classic late night Cinemax flick Friend of the Family, and produced a lot of the Indigo Entertainment archive. He’s also listed as producer on Corporate Fantasy and some other Mystique Films.

Jack Spencer (Sebastien Guy as Scott Duke) – The CEO of Models, Ltd., a company that provides models (as opposed to polar bears) and our main character, who is too busy enjoying life and working hard to enjoy life and work hard. Wait, that doesn’t make sense…but it does. Hmmm…
Steve (Jason Schnuit as Dave Veleo) – friend of Jack, who gets dumped right at the beginning of the movie and has an adversarial relationship with Jack’s secretary Emma, who we all know he’ll be dating by the end of the flick
Emma (Holly Hollywood) – Jack’s secretary, and owner of a secret crush on Steve, but she works with too many beautiful women to have enough confidence to do anything about it. Holly Hollywood is also in The Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man.
Rebecca Knight (Kim Yates as Kim Laurel) – The CEO of Knightware Apparel, and the big client Jack is trying to snag. She’s also a big lesbian, as that factors into the plot.
Caroline Cross (Regina Russell) – Jack’s ex-girlfriend who now runs a rival model agency, Nuance. She competes with Jack over Rebecca Knight’s business, popping up at inopportune times. Regina Russell is a softcore veteran and is also in The Mummy’s Kiss, Bikini Airways, and a cameo in Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet.

Community Swingers
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Community Swingers (Review)

September 7, 2011By

Community Swingers


2006
Directed by Jeff Bay

Community Swingers is a softcore flick from Torchlight Entertainment, and it is from the large large group of pictures Torchlight dumped onto the world the last half of the aughts. If you have seen any of these films, you will note that they are light in plot and heavy in long long sex sequences. Oddly enough, Community Swingers differs from a lot of them, as it is not directed by Francis Locke (instead, Jeff Bay is credited, and let’s pretend he’s Michael Bay’s brother because, why not?) and there are not many scenes shot either in the desert or at the local hotel near the desert. But it retains many of the hallmark signatures that have come to define Torchlight films, including the ever-present music of Blade Simpson. He’s better than Sword Family Guy, but not as good as Katana SouthPark.

Community Swingers is not a good film. It is barely a film. The sex scenes are long. And I mean LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! They go on forever! Stringing the sex scenes together are a few bits of actual plot, most of which is in scenes that last only a few minutes (or less than one minute in one example.) The plot itself is very simple and is resolved by someone just answering a question. So very simple. As the script was probably one page single-spaced in Word, all the sex scene padding was needed to hit the running time. The actresses in the film aren’t bad looking, the extra characters also don’t look terrible. The sets must have had a budget of less than $1000, and there are technical problems like the ever-present boom mike. The boom mike has more scenes than most of the actors. There is little information about the film online, no real cast list, and no real release date. The 2006 date is a guess based on the DVD release, but there is a 2003 copyright claim in the credits. Looks like we’ll have to call in the Scooby Gang to solve this mystery!

I’m sure some of you are used to softcore films that have plots, actual actors, and charming qualities, but forget all you know or think you know. This is the world of Community Swingers! Not everything is bad, Nina Dolci’s acting is amusing and completely inconsistent (a good director could probably get a great performance out of her) and some of the sex sequences pull of their jobs of being erotic or hot, even if they get bogged down by the length. Though I can’t in good conscience give this high marks, I wouldn’t hold back people from watching it, I would just inform them as the what they would encounter when watching, which might even let them enjoy the film more if they don’t expect it to be something that it isn’t. As for the film, let’s get started swinging around the community!

Elaina (Mindy Vega) – Elaina enjoys the simple things. Nice clothes, condo lounging, reading Playboy, wearing bikini tops, having lesbian sex with any girl that moves, theorizing about the neighbor, and being converted from her homosexuality via dating someone rich. Mindy Vega runs her own webcam site, so Google her name if you want to see some stuff.
Jackie (Nina Dolci) – Jackie is Elaina’s best friend and occasional lover. Jackie also pounces on the men, especially male strippers, her dream date. Jackie also doesn’t put up with nonsense and likes to get to the bottom of things, but always believes in the worst of people she doesn’t like. In a dark alleyway, you would want Jackie in your corner against any and all that would stand against you.
Lance Taylor (Frank Anthony) – An artist who makes art by making a lot of noise.
Boom Mike (a boom mike) – The boomiest mike of them all becomes a major star in Community Swingers, as he stalks and lies in wait to pounce on the two female leads, ready to attack when the least suspect it! Look out, ladies!

Executive Koala
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Executive Koala (Review)

September 1, 2011By

Executive Koala

aka Koara kacho

2006
Directed by Minoru Kawasaki
Written by Minoru Kawasaki and Masakazu Migita

Executive Koala is a animal-suited joint from Japanese cult director Minoru Kawasak. His start in movies begane with low budget direct to video junk, but his genius became apparent even with some of the trash, as good jobs on manga films such as Maboroshi panty vs. Henchin pokoider lead to him getting financing for The Calamari Wrestler. He also gained fame with kaiju fans for The Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit, even if most didn’t like it. One of Minoru Kawasaki’s favorite themes seems to be putting anthropomorphic animals in human settings, be it wrestling squids, goalkeeper crabs, or wrestling beetles, Minoru Kawasaki just loves it. And so must someone, as the films kept making money for a while, but by Neko Ramen Taisho things had slowed down and he’s been less active recently with wacky fun films. I guess the market for animal suit films is the first to go when the economy implodes.

The focus here is on Executive Koala, the film about a koala who is an executive, as the title states, quite clearly. He also might be a murderer, and there is a lot of weird memory things going on. It’s a pretty good memory loss thriller, with a mystery that slowly unravels as we go along. The presence of the animal suits turn what is a Lifetime movie level script and elevate it into something memorable. We can all agree that Cyber Seduction would have been ten times better had the lead character been a wallaby.

Kawasaki’s exploration of genres with his unique convention of both parodying them with visuals, but playing it mostly straight, give his film an added quality that gave him a deserved cult following in the US. So let’s get going, shall we? Mustn’t keep the cult followers waiting…

Keiichi Tamura (???) – Just your regular desk job koala stuck in middle management of a pickle company. Spends most of his day being sweaty, shy, guilty, and weak-willed. His wife Yukari is long missing, and his new girlfriend Yoko is said to be murdered. Keiichi may also have a dark side coming out. We shall see!
Yukari (Elli-Rose) – Yukari is Keiichi’s missing wife. But Keiichi has begun to move on, even as rumors swirl that he murdered her. Then things happen… Elli-Rose (エリローズ/Eri Roozu) is a Japanese model/actress who also does DJ work.
Yoko Abe (Elli-Rose) – Yoko Abe is Keiichi’s new girlfriend. She totally doesn’t look like Yukari, just what are you implying? And it definitely isn’t a plot point!
Detective Ono (Hironobu Nomura) – A suspicious detective who follows around and harasses Keiichi, while his partner Kita seems less interested.
Mr. Kim (???) – Keiichi is given the job to babysit/keep happy the owner of Korean company Bae Foods, to help with a business deal. Mr. Kim has an assistant named Yu and owns Momo the flying squirrel. Practices Sinanju, a Korean martial art that’s actually the fake marital art from The Destroyer novels.
Convenience Store Frog (???) – Yes, even frogs are forced to be register jockeys in Japan. Luckily, this frog knows a thing or two about everything, and slips helpful notes into Keiichi’s bags.
The CEO of Rubbles Pickles Co. Ltd. (???) – Great, every time I invest in a company, they elect a rabbit as CEO! It’s crazy. And they squander the company profits in an attempt to get their hands on Trix!

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