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InBad, Movie Reviews

Chilling Romance

March 8, 2013By

Chilling Romance

aka 오싹한 연애 aka Ossakhan Yeonae aka Spellbound

2011
Written and directed by Hwang In-ho
Chilling Romance
Seeing dead people is not just a job for kids who will grow up to have DUIs, but also women in Korea! Yeo-ri has isolated herself from her family and her life because she’s tormented by continual visits from the recently deceased, especially the visits of a particular ghost, her former best friend, Joo-hee. Joo-hee blames Yeo-ri for her death, and constantly harasses Yeo-ri’s family and friends have forced the drastic measures. But can such a woman find love? Because Chilling Romance isn’t just a horror film, it’s a romantic comedy! Yes, two genres that shouldn’t go together at all suddenly pull a peanut butter and chocolate moment for Chilling Romance.
Chilling Romance
The ghosts aspects are a mishmash of Sixth Sense and the long-hair ghost films. Some of the Sixth Sense imagery is copied directly, from the dead wanting help to the tent scene. The tone of the scenes are stark and depressing, a lot of quiet standing around and pointing, or looking at people in pain or sorrow. But when Joo-hee is around, the tone changes to more shock jumpcuts, almost as if the movie knew it had to become something different for the different type of ghosts…

To counter all of that, we got a bunch of magician things going on. The razzle dazzle of the spectacle is a complete contrast to the morose Yeo-ri. Jo-goo makes his living from being charismatic and a showman, the opposite of the quiet and reserved Yeo-ri, who doesn’t want to attract attention from people who will end up ultimately hurt. Jo-goo originally wants her to join his troupe because he finds her interesting, but as they spend more time together their chemistry grows, much to the annoyance of the ghost Joo-hee and Jo-goo’s girlfriend.
Chilling Romance
Chilling Romance was also released as Spellbound. Director Hwang In-ho wrote the script, and this is his first feature film.

Kang Yeo-ri (Son Ye-jin) – miserable looking girl She almost died during a school trip where her best friend did die, and ever since has been visited by ghosts, especially Lee Joo-hee’s ghost. Because of Lee Joo-hee’s anger, she avoids all human contact to protect them from her. Yeo-ri now spends her life with a different outlook, knowing how easily life can slip away and a general sense of dread, but is terribly depressed and not a stranger to the bottle. She sleeps in a tent.
Ma Jo-goo (Lee Min-ki) – a street magician who gets inspired by seeing the miserable Yeo-ri and develops a horror magic act that makes him a super star. Having hired Yeo-ri into the troop, his efforts to get to know her better turn into unexpected chemistry and learning of her true secret.
Lee Joo-hee (Hwang Seung-eon) – Ghost. Best friend of Yeo-ri who died in an accident when Yeo-ri barely lived. Her ghost has been following Yeo-ri ever since. Filled with anger over the incident.
Min-jung (Kim Hyun-sook) – Yeo-ri’s best friend, but one she only contacts via phone and hasn’t seen in years.
Yoo-Jin (Lee Mi-do) – Min-jung’s friend that she brings into the phone conversations with Yeo-ri to help with her love life. Yoo-Jin wrote Bitches – the romantic comedy about three bitches. She also explains the 5 types of kisses: hamburger, sliding, air cleaning, candy, and wrestling.

Chilling Romance

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Lust Sessions

March 6, 2013By

Lust Sessions


2008
Written by April White and Edward Gorsuch
Directed by Dante Giove

Lust Sessions
The name’s Sessions. Lust Sessions.

You ever have one of those friends who always has relationship advice, but couldn’t hold a partner for more than a few weeks? Well, what if that friend was also a sex therapist? That’s the premise of Lust Sessions, where your lustiest desires don’t really fit into the rather straightforward plot. Unless your desires have to due with therapy sessions, hence the title.

What does happen is therapist Kate Williams has problems of her own. She even knows she has problems, even though she doesn’t really do anything about them except run away. But Kate is about to make a huge mistake, which could cost her everything – her relationship, her career, her sweet parking spot – and she must face her problems. And it doesn’t hurt to have people who are about you who are willing to seek out their own revenge!

Lust Sessions
People Watching Big Bang Theory: The Movie

Lust Sessions gets some props for having a female lead with problems, but also for dealing with some of the fallout that would happen in many of these softcore films where fidelity is a naughty word and boning happens at the drop of a hat. There is actual character development here! The major drawback is the whole concept does seem like a film that would be on Lifetime Channel. That’s the complete opposite target audience, but it also recognizes the reality that an increasing number of women watch these films, and many couples watch them together. While that is not a majority of the viewers, it is no longer a rare unicorn.

Kate Williams (Amy Lindsay as Leah Riley) – A Love Coach who helps couples find what they are missing. Which is usually just something simple…or so it seems! But just like them, Kate has her own problems that seem simple to solve, but are anything but. And they lead to the big problems that are at the root of the plot. Amy Lindsay is also in Insatiable Obsession
Ann (Cassie Young) – A lady who has problems being assertive. She was dating Drake despite him being married, but breaks up with him early in the film as she’s practicing standing up for herself. When Drake causes problems for Kate, Ann stands up even more. Cassie Young is also in Bikini Pirates.
Brian (Justin Magnum) – Kate’s boyfriend, who she has problems committing to due to her own issues. Brian is just a cool guy with an accent.
Drake (Danny Pape as Danny Dagger) – Married, but seeing Ann. A compelte arrogant jerk. Danny Pape was channeling Tom Cruise in his performance, which made things seem cooler.
Carrie (Jezebelle Bond) – Kate’s client who likes to be in control of relationships. Helps Kate when she has problems.
Jenna (Katrina Isis) – Kate’s friend who helps her deal with her problems in a sort of problem trade. She’s dating a guy named Nick (Roger Stanford) who commits the crime of liking her, and enjoying sex with her more than jogging. The freak!
Lust Sessions
Oh boy, here we go!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Lady Chatterley’s Daughter

March 5, 2013By

Lady Chatterley’s Daughter

aka Lady Chatterley’s Ghost

2011
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Juan Medina)

Lady Chatterley's Daughter
Look, it’s a magical butterfly! Flap flap flap!

Despite a few interesting touches, Lady Chatterley’s Daughter is slow going and takes too long to get to the plot, what little plot their is. It’s not absolutely terrible, but it’s part of a pedigree of of Bikini films that everyone admires, so higher standards must be held. In that end, Lady Chatterley’s Daughter fails to deliver an interesting story, and will more likely end up with late night Cinemax watchers asleep on the couch.

Lady Chatterley's Ghost
This ain’t how you bust ghosts!

As the well-worn tome shown during the opening credits attests, D.H. Lawrence’s 1928 book Lady Chatterley’s Lover has had quite an influence on erotic literature (and other erotica!) And now it will vaguely influence this film! Senator Reed Smoot said of the original work: “I’ve not taken ten minutes on Lady Chatterley’s Lover, outside of looking at its opening pages. It is most damnable! It is written by a man with a diseased mind and a soul so black that he would obscure even the darkness of hell!” Needless to say, it’s import was banned before being fought over in the courts (where the book and others like it prevailed in 1959 and was allowed to both be imported without censor and published in the US.)

Lady Chatterley’s Daughter marks some of the transition between Retromedia and Synthetic Filmwerx, as Retromedia still has the opening production company clip, but Synthetic Filmwerx’s name appears as well in the title credits.

Lady Chatterley's Ghost
Talk to the hand, because the face is busy boning a ghost actress who haunts a book to save my marriage!

Sandra (Holly Sampson) – Lonely housewife married to Charles. Spends her days reading Lady Chatterley’s Lover over and over again. Holly Sampson is also in the Emmanuelle 2000 series, including Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise, as well as the whole Tiger Woods scandal thing.
Charles Maitlin (Randy Spears) – Successful estate lawyer married to Sandra, but also getting some side action with Connie. Which he doesn’t know is part of a larger plan. Randy Spears is a Bikini movie regular in addition to his other softcore and hardcore work.
Connie (Jessie Lunderby) – Constance goes by Connie, and shows up as a live-in maid, but is also Charles’ mistress. And she’s a ghost! Spoilers. Jessie Lunderby reads all her lines like they’re a run-on sentence. Which sort of works in giving her an other-worldly feel. Constance is also Lady Chatterley’s first name in the novel.
Sophia (Cassandra Cruz as Vanessa Brink) – Sandra’s friend who both does not believe in tarot cards but also constantly does tarot card readings. It is a mystery! Cassandra Cruz is the star of Bigger the Pole, the Tighter the Hole; Gov Love: The Eliot Splitz-her Story; and Club Satan: The Witches Sabbath.
Keith (Nick Manning) – The handyman/gardener for the Maitlin household, and Sandra’s fantasy lover probably because he’s the only other male around. In real life they are good friends, but not good enough for Keith to warn Sandra fishy things are happening after having sex with Connie. Nick Manning is also in The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
Lady Chatterley's Daughter
Windows 8 requires a constant wifi connection to your post-it notes!
InCinema Articles, Movie Reviews

A Field Guide to Cantonese Fantasy Monsters and Creatures

February 25, 2013By

A Field Guide to Cantonese Fantasy Monsters and Creatures

Just imagine: One day in ancient China, you are wandering around the forest while on a quest to find 1000 Iron Fist Li, when suddenly you spot an unknown creature in the distance. Is it a friendly face that will bestow ancient knowledge? A pet of a mad monk sent to destroy you? Or a fearsome warrior guarding a passage to valuable treasure? Now, you can easily find out what creature you spotted and learn the information you will need to return to the Golden Swallow Tea House to tell tales to impress Jade Phoenix, the Purple Warrior of Fire Mountain.

This Field Guide to Cantonese Fantasy Monsters and Creatures will provide you with the identification information you need to make an informed decision as what to do when encountering a fantasy monster or creature. You will learn what the ancient masters know, with facts culled from ancient tombs and recent scientific expeditions.

The ever-growing Field Guide to Cantonese Fantasy Monsters and Creatures will be updated as more fantasy creatures are discovered upon watching more old wuxia flicks. Names and scientific names are often conjecture or assigned by the guide. The guide is not responsible for inaccurate information that results in injury or death. Do not let this guide fall into the hands of the Spider Clan or Master Liu Fan-bei of Lohan Peak by order of the Emperor.

Name:Condor
Scientific Name:Gymnogyps giganticus
Appearances:Buddha’s Palm Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4
Height:6′
Weight:155 lbs
Description:The magical Condor of Master Ku Hon-wan, the Wicked God of Fiery Cloud, is Master Ku’s loyal companion in the four Buddha’s Palm movies. Condor also saves two of the main characters from assailants, both of which Master Ku adopts as his own children. After Master Ku’s death, Condor refuses to leave his grave. He’s probably still there now.



InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Pleasure Spa

February 24, 2013By

Pleasure Spa


2013
Written by Tim Sabo
Directed by Jim Wynorski (as Sam Pepperman)

Pleasure Spa
This ain’t how you meditate!

Jim Wynorski gives us another Cinemax softcore role in the hay with Pleasure Spa! While sometimes Wynorski’s softcore films are creative (Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders), other times we get what looks to be a film scrambled together with funds leftover from other films (also known as this film!) For Pleasure Spa, the usual small budget is even tinier, and every location is at the same house, though there is the occasional effort made to try to make us think we’re somewhere else. Let’s just ignore that the front desk scenes are obviously shot in the kitchen. And police captains have offices that resemble a home office in a spare bedroom. Luckily it’s a pretty nice house, allowing for a lot of room variety, and has a pool, a waterfall feature, and a tennis court! I wonder if this was rented from the owner, or if it is a place you can pick up relatively cheap in the aftermath of the housing crash. Heck, maybe it’s Jim’s house!

As an odd feature, there is a random scene in Pleasure Spa that cranks up the creativity and hints more could be going on. But it’s not dwelt on at all, so in the end it just becomes a random aside that makes the rest of the film look even poorer. There are the classic Jim Wynorski camera angles that emphasize certain characters’ ample…gifts. We do have the familiar Wynorski music by Roobie Breastnut, including fan favorite PuSSy PuSSy BaNG BaNG (capitalization according to YouTube standards.)

Pleasure Spa
And suddenly everyone watching at home forgives the lack of budget…

But, you say, who watches these films for the plots? It’s all about the skin game. While I agree that is the case for 99% of the audience, sometimes I want a little meat with my potatoes. And though some of these softcore films have a surprising amount to say, Pleasure Spa doesn’t expand from its small boundaries. What little it does say has been said many times before by better speakers. It also keeps me from typing up eight paragraphs about how this is an allegory about the Spanish Civil War. It turns out the only advantage is the skin game. Speaking of which, let’s go to the Roll Call:

Dusty (Cynthia Lucas) – The boss of the Happy Endings spa, which is not only a massage parlor, but a massage parlor where everyone gets a happy ending. It’s called truth in advertising, people!
Shelly (Brandin Rackley) – One of the trained massage therapists at Happy Endings. A sadist at heart. Not too fond of doing desk duty.
Lucky (Melessia Hayden as Melissa Jacobs) – One of the trained massage therapists at Happy Endings.
Cammi (Raven Alexis) – The receptionist at Happy Endings, but not adverse to putting on her work uniform and massaging clients herself. Her work uniform being no clothes.
Anita (Reena Sky) – One of the trained massage therapists at Happy Endings.
Candy Conners (Heather Vandeven) – The new girl who is hired during the course of the film. Her uncle is Mayor Carl Sloane.
Mike Mathis (Frankie Cullen) – Cop who frequents Happy Endings, and gets his partner Tommy Hall hooked on the parlor as well. This is bad, as it’s their job to bust the place! Frankie Cullen appears in this “new” film because it was filmed before he retired from these films in 2011.
Tommy Hall (Tony Marino) – Oh. That guy.
Client Number 1 (T.J. Cummings) – Client of Happy Endings who comes pretty regularly, and doesn’t seem to understand police tape. Has no real name so I just made one up.
Captain Crane (Michael Swan) – Police captain who just wants to bust that darn Happy Endings because he hates them. Hates hates hates hates hates them!
Mayor Carl Sloane (???) – Mayor Sloane has an unusually close relationship with his niece, which seems to result from his rather liberal views on sexuality.
Pleasure Spa
It’s true, island biogeography can be applied to mountain tops, isolated valleys, even fenced off yards!
InBad, Cinema Articles, Good, Movie Reviews, Ugly

The Great Movie Ride: Pirates of the Caribbean (Part 2)

February 19, 2013By

In July of 2003, the unthinkable happened. Disney Pictures released a film based on a theme park ride that was not only a smash hit, it was also pretty darn good. Telling a fanciful tale of cursed Aztec gold, wicked undead pirate scallywags, a reluctant hero straight out of Joseph Campbell, the love of his life, and Johnny Depp wearing eyeliner, this was a movie that captured the imaginations of audiences around the world. Being a young impressionable high school student at the time of its release, I found myself returning to the theaters to see it numerous times. I was living in a beach town for the summer, working a shit job, and the old moviehouse that showed one movie a night kept bringing it back due to its popularity. It was the first movie I can recall going to over and over because of how much fun it was. It had set out to turn a theme park ride into a movie, but in reality they had just made a movie that was like a theme park ride in how it moved. It had ups and downs, twists and turns, and at the end left you wanting to do it all over again.

Disney is no dummy when it comes to making money, so when the film was clearly a huge success; it was clear what had to be done. Sequels, and plenty of them. Disney green lit two sequels almost immediately, and after some discussion, it was decided that these two entries in what would be a trilogy would be shot back to back. This would be one of the few Hollywood franchises to do this (along with Back to the Future and The Matrix)

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