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Dangerous Passions
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dangerous Passions (Review)

August 18, 2010By

Dangerous Passions


2006
Directed by Woquini Adams
Written by Ashley Nielsen

Another softcore flick from Woquini Adams, this time written by Ashley Nielsen, who also wrote the Woquini Adams flick Deviant Passions. It must be tough to be a Hollywood writer who only writes for films with “Passions” in the title directed by Woquini Adams. But if Woquini Adams directs Passions of the Christ, you got it made! Now, we are not certain Woquini Adams and Ashley Nielsen are real people, but if they are, good luck to them. I’ve seen some awful films of this nature over the years, and this is certainly not one of the awful ones.

One thing this film does have (besides naked boobs of the breasts variety) is lots of coin collector nerdage. As a former coin collector who still has a bunch of old coins stashed in my mom’s attic, the language was like a warm familiar blanket. But no one has ever murdered me over my coins…yet!

Detective Walt Hodges (Randy Spears) – Hodges is the detective who is always on the case. He never gets taken off the case by a yelling boss. Maybe he should start playing by his own rules or something. But he catches the bad guys regardless so I guess that’s okay. Randy Spears is a mega porn star who has also moved on to directing porn. Randy Spears has probably had more sex in the time it took you to read this review than you will have this year.
Darlene Stern (Jezebelle Bond) – Secretary for Floyd Winslow who wants to help run his music producer business, thus she’s sleeping with him. Attempts to take over the business after his death. Because more and more strung out as the movie progresses. Jezebelle Bond has juggled more balls than a circus clown in such films as The Boobs of Hazzard 2, Lezbo a Go-Go, and When the Boyz Are Away the Girlz Will Play 11
Janice Winslow (Julia Kruis) – the wife of the late Floyd Winslow, former Miss Texas, and accused golddigger. She then becomes a target so Detective Hodges can give her some police protection. If you know what I mean. Julia Kruis was in Wild Child 2 as Julie Skiru.
Lorraine Lewis (Wendy Rice) – Walt Hodges TV reporter girlfriend who gets him in trouble because she’s good at her job.
Floyd Winslow (Danny Pape) – A suicide…NOT! Investigation of the murder turns into a sexy mystery that you might take a few minutes to figure out before you just keep watching for the sex.
Gloria Bradly (Nikita Cash) – A tennis instructor and sometimes lesbian lover. Nikita Cash is an adult actress who has been nailed more than Christ in such films as A Midsummer Night’s Cream, Stop! My Ass Is on Fire!, and Throbin Hood.
Derek Dembro (Dick Smothers Jr.) – washed up former rocker trying to get Floyd Winslow to produce his next album. Also implicated in Floyd’s death. Dick Smothers Jr. is the son of Dick Smothers from the Smothers Brothers fame, who went into the adult business under his real name. At this time he has left adult films, but when he was in them he was in two of the Sex Trek films, Sex Trek: Where No Man Has Cum B4 and Sex Trek: Charly XXX.
Greg Hampton (Ben Gold) – Coin Guy, you coiny mofo! Coin Guy loves coins. He loves them so much, he pays lots of money for them. All cash, under the table. Coin Guy’s arch enemy is IRS Audit Man! His favorite color is red and his favorite fish is herring.
Captain Vogel (Daryl Burq Pearson) – Hey, this Captain doesn’t yell at the cops and take them off the case! We need more case taking offing action!
Mr. Jenkins (Bill Hindley) – Mr. Jenkins is the nosy neighbor who is currently peeping on your wife in the shower. And taking notes. And video taping it. And uploading it to YouTube. And calling the cops on your wife for wasting so much water. Why does your wife shower so long? It is probably because she likes Mr. Jenkins peeping on her.

Insatiable Obsession
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Insatiable Obsession (Review)

August 14, 2010By

Insatiable Obsession


2006
Directed by Woquini Adams

Ghosts are common in softcore films because they can be brought in rather cheaply and still make erotic stories that aren’t boring. They also tap into the “love from beyond the grave” vibe that is popular with romance types. We pretty much know why we’re here, so I can’t really give a nice long opening discussion. Especially since I can’t find much information about Woquini Adams, but there is one more Woquini Adams movie in the pipeline.

All the sex scenes are loud vocal affairs. So if you like noise, this is the movie for you. If you also like weird ghost story movies, this is the movie for you. If you like sepia tones this is the movie for you. If you like movies about house repair guys who go nuts and tie people up, this is the movie for you. If you like movies about frogs who eat beans, this is not the movie for you. I am still looking for that movie. But I will find it one day, and it will be glorious.

So have ghost women told you stuff about their murder and then joined in during sex with your wife? Because I can imagine that being rather annoying. Who wants female Slimer in the bedroom? Get out, ghost lady! And stop showing me where treasure is buried! I got enough treasure lying around the house.

Colin Blake (Sean Juergens) – Husband, writer. Like all writers, Colin can’t write unless his in in some very specific circumstances: 1- Colin must have 1 glass of white wine and 1 glass of red wine. 2- Colin must use a typewriter because only real writers use typewriters. 3- Colin must be at a Starbucks so people can see him typing on his typewriter. 4- Colin must be wearing a red shirt with green pants and a pink scarf. 5- Colin must never use the letter “e” in any of his stories. 6- Colin can only write 3 sentences at a time before he must play computer Solitare. 7- You must never discuss with Colin “How’s the story coming?” or Colin will stab you in the thigh. Sean Juergens is somewhere in Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise.
Winn Blake (Amy Lindsay as Leah Riley) – Colin’s lovely wife who is totally obsessed with getting away from it all into a random house in a random town. And also falling asleep waiting for her husband to stop writing and have sex with her. Before she was married to this writer guy, Amy Lindsay was all about having sex in airplanes as you can see in Bikini Airways
Kate (Chloe) – The real estate agent in charge of showing the house who somehow is also in charge of showing the house off to prospective renters, which I would think sort of makes it hard to sell the house while random people are staying there. I guess that is why I am not a real estate agent. That, and I don’t like lying to people and setting up housing bubbles that destroy the economy. I am sure you have figured out that Chloe’s singular name means she is a porn star, because she is. Chloe has seen more wiener than Oscar Meyer in such films as Zorho Meets the Mob, Poon Raider, and Buttwoman vs. Buttwoman.
Ketcher (William Lawson) – Is in the rye. A crazy home repair guy who is obsessed with finding the treasure in the house, to the point where he sabotages things and even takes people by gunpoint and forces them to get it on while staring all creepily.
Stella (Monique Parent as Monique Harlowe) – It’s a ghost! Someone call the Ghostbusters! Stella doesn’t quite understand she’s dead and is still wandering around her house solving the mystery of her death, which isn’t a mystery because DUH she was killed by her crazy soon-to-be-ex-husband. What’s next, John Wilkes Booth’s ghost wandering around the White House trying to find out who killed Lincoln? Monique Parent was also in Voodoo Dollz and a bajillion other softcore films.

Makin
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Makin (Review)

August 5, 2010By

Makin

aka The Vampire

????
Directed by ????

Makin’ what? Bacon? Cookies? Babies? Probably babies, as that’s what several of the characters attempt to do in a roundabout faction.

Makin is an obscure as frak Thai film that is sort of unique in the Asian vampire genre in that the vampires are solely Western-style vampires! No one is hopping around, no one has their head flying off and zooming around while their guts hang low. It’s all traditional Dracula. I could go on about how there are a limited number of Western Vampires in Eastern Vampire films (most notably in Vampire vs. Vampire and The Seven Brothers Meet Dracula) but most people reading this are so far under a false assumption there will be pictures of naked Thai chicks down below. In fact, there are only pictures of semi-naked Thai chicks, or naked Thai chicks with strategically placed objects. So for the big Eastern/Western vampire discussion you’ll have to wait until I get around to actually reviewing Vampire vs. Vampire, which could happen one day since I own it.

The best widescreen money can buy!

You might not be surprised to know that there is a plethora of low-budget softcore films produced in Thailand (which has a reputation as a sex tourist destination) but as most of them (at least the ones available on eThaicd.com) are barely-there plots about dudes seducing chicks and other boring things that would barely rate a Skinimax softcore film. But even in the boring masses there are a few wacky gems. Previously we’ve run across weird Thai softcore flick Hidden 2002, a movie about loose women at a hotel and the men who secretly video tape them. Finding out information on Thai films in general is almost impossible, and softcore films are talked about even less. And obscure crazy softcore crap like this you have a better chance of tapdancing with a shark than finding out info about this (unless you are fluent in Thai, and even then you will probably have troubles.) Makin is a production of the Prohand Production Group (who’s symbol is a thumbs up! Someone tell Roger Ebert!) and Prohand Home Video. They aren’t anti-hand, they are prohand.

YOU are the reason Edward Cullen won’t return my fan letters!

Oh, subtitles? Forget it! But TarsTarkas.NET don’t need no stinking subtitles! We also don’t need to know who the heck the actors are, so here are all the notable characters (pretty much every character minus one)

Makin (???) – Makin is a Vampire who looks amazingly like Dracula but is totally not Dracula because Dracula would never be this lazy. He’s the laziest mofo in the universe.
Cool Guy (???) – Cool Guy is the main male character who is a totally cool, as shown by the fact he has sunglasses, a motorcycle, and a girl who puts out. Thus, he gets to kill Makin, who was makin’ the beast with two backs with his girl Dah.
Red Hair (???) – Red Hair is one of Cool Guy’s buddies who works on motorcycles and does nothing else until Cool Guy decides he needs some buddies to go all Monster Squad on Makin.
Bandanna (???) – Bandanna is Cool Guy’s other buddy, the one who looks like he could also be cool if he had a motorcycle and a girl who puts out, but he doesn’t so he is not as cool.
Mattei (???) – Mattei is a geeky guy who lives in a shack behind a house filled with hot chicks, and becomes the thrall of Makin or something. This means Makin yells at Mattei in his head until Mattei seduces some women so Makin can have sex with them. So basically the bonus to being a vampire thrall is you get migraines! Maybe I am a vampire thrall, except my migraines are only slightly related to a vampire yelling at me.
Priest A Don (???) – It is nice to know that priests in Thailand are just as screwy about sexuality as priests in America. Even if this is a fictional priest made perverted for comedic purposes.
Dah (???) – Dah is Cool Guy’s best girl, and she becomes the target of Makin because she lives in the house of hot chicks.
Pau (???) – Pau is a hot chick who gets vampired up, Makin style.
Mitta (???) – Mitta is a hot chick who gets vampired up, Makin style.
Landlord (???) – Eh, everyone else was getting a listing, so might as well give him one as well. I am guessing he is supposed to be the dad to the three girls or something, but it is more fun to pretend he just rents his house out to a bunch of hot chicks and a creepy dude. And since no one will ever write about this film in English again there is no one to stop me! MuHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Beauty on Duty
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Beauty on Duty (Review)

July 31, 2010By

Beauty on Duty

aka Mei lai muk ling

2010
Directed and Written by Wong Jing

Wong Jing takes Miss Congeniality and 9000 characters and mixes them in a blender to pump out his latest wacky romcom (that’s cool people slang for “romantic-comedy”) that is so Wong Jing you’re gonna wong your jing. Or something like that. Like all Wong Jing romcoms, we got more potential couples and love octagons than you can shake a stick at. We have such familiar situations as the people who were lovers in school and then went their separate ways for 20 years, will they get together again now that they have reunited? Don’t forget the people who had crushes on other people and followed them around hiding behind trees. How will they find love? Let’s also give honor to the couple that is the main male character and the main female character. Because, they pretty much have to get together despite the super rich pop star wandering around in the middle of it all.

As there are so many characters and we’re trying to keep the length of this review to a passable level, the Roll Call will only list some of the cast, the rest will be brought up as the plot overview demands.

Chung Ai Fang (Charlene Choi Cheuk-Yin) – A rookie cop joining up to be with her father on the force suddenly becomes the undercover beauty pageant agent who must save the girl without blowing her cover. Tough to do when you get pinned as the top contestant by the media. Charlene Choi is half of the pop super-duo Twins and previously was on TarsTarkas.NET in Protégé de la Rose Noire.
Iron Mary (Sandra Ng Kwun-Yu) – the tough police woman who slaps around criminals like they were candy. Or something. Was the childhood sweetheart of Officer Lu Chi On who suddenly reenters her life during this assignment. See Sandra Ng in The Eight Hilarious Gods
Donnie Yuen (Fan Siu-Wong) – Awesome cop guy about to join the SWAT team but instead has to help with the undercover investigation. Of course Ricky from Story of Ricky is a supercop!
Indiana Chung (Hui Siu-Hung) – Legendary cop who wants daughter to marry a rich dude so he can retire. Hui Siu-Hung has been in a ton of films, including being somewhere in Protégé de la Rose Noire.
Brother Ting (Wong Jing) – The evil mobster is Wong Jing, also the writer and director! Wong Jing’s movies include such wonders as My Kung Fu Sweetheart and Future Cops
June (Maggie Li Man-Kwan) – The daughter of an accountant who is testifying against Brother Ting, but only if June is allowed to participate in the beauty pageant.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Assault Girls (Review)

July 23, 2010By

Assault Girls

aka Asaruto garuzu

2009
Written and Directed by Mamoru Oshii

Hot chicks shooting up giant sand whales in a post apocalyptic future should be an easy sell. Except for the fact the film isn’t really about that and is instead just a video game level. The film is short as heck, but that doesn’t stop it from being filled with lots of padding from the worst opening narration experience since Alone in the Dark to many scenes of people just walking in the desert.

Add the above to the fact the women speak badly accented English muffled behind breathing masks and we got a film that is more annoying than anything else. Luckily, parts of the film are just in Japanese, and thanks to our impatient nature we have the import DVD cuz we aren’t gonna wait for it to finally get around to having an official US release. But at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

The film is connected to Mamoru Oshii’s 2001 film Avalon, as the game the players are playing is Avalon(f), and there are references to other established canon from the Avalon film. Mamoru Oshii is probably best known in the west for directing Ghost in the Shell, one of the films that everyone who was into anime talked about all the time until I started ignoring everyone who was into anime. Now I just ignore everyone, because I’m too cool for school ::puts on shades::

Instead of being cool and dealing with the fact there is a movie filled with hot chicks fighting monsters, Assault Girls instead tries to impress us, then tries to give us a feast for the eyes, and finally delivers the goods. Except the only impression is of boring psychobabble, the feast for the eyes is more like a famine, and the goods arrive late and in small quantities. I can’t recommend enough that you don’t bother with Assault Girls. The best thing I can say about it is that it was mercifully short. But don’t take my word for it, follow along for yourself!

Gray (Meisa Kuroki) – Player 0251, spends much of the film cruising around in her jet and posing in the desert. Finally gets around to organizing the Assault Girls into a raiding party. It is almost as if she forgot how MMORPGs work. (She is probably really a male 43 year old divorced Lowes employee with Aspergers.) Meisa Kuroki is a Japanese model/actress who is starting to hit the big time.
Lucifer (Rinko Kikuchi) – Player 0666, who rarely speaks and spends most of her scenes dancing. Can transform into a bird so she’s probably a big fan of Animorphs. (She’s probably really an 11 year old boy with Aspergers.) Rinko Kikuchi was nominated for an Oscar. And now she’s in this. Holy Linda Hunt, Batman!
Colonel (Hinako Saeki) – Player 0266, a friend of snails. Always dressed in red, so you can tell the girls apart. Or maybe it is like Power Rangers… Anyway, she commands a robot thing at one point, something we can all aspire to. I command robots all the time (this is actually true) because my job is awesome. (She’s probably a male 57 year old website designer with Aspergers)
Jager (Yoshikazu Fujiki) – Player 538, what the hell is a dude doing in my Assault Girls? Get the heck out of here, you creep!
Sand Whales (CGI) – This particular Sand Whale is Desert 22 Flag – Madara – who is the end boss the Assault Girls and Scruffy Dude are hunting. Complete with rocket launchers like all real sand whales.
Snail (Isao NO. 1- 5) – Five snails played the snail that becomes the focus of our heroes as the movie drifts into more and more boring territory. Sadly, one snail is eaten, it is unknown it was a real snail, but probably.
Random Dog (Pasta) – Why not have a dog randomly in one brief scene for no reason? It makes as much sense as everything else in this flick! Also bonus statue photo!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (Review)

July 17, 2010By

Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl

aka Kyuketsu Shojo tai Shojo Furanken

2009
Directed by Yoshihiro Nishimura and Naoyuki Tomomatsu

Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (hereafter VGxFG due to our crippling laziness in both typing and copy/pasting the movie title) is from the same Japanese goremasters that brought us The Machine Girl, Tokyo Gore Police, and Hypertrophy Genitals Girl. That’s the movie where the girl has the giant genitals. It won six Oscars. Yoshihiro Nishimura is a special effects expert who has directed several of the gore flicks, while Naoyuki Tomomatsu is a director and writer who also produces a lot of gore flicks such as Stacy and Zombie Self-Defense Force . VGxFG is based on a manga I haven’t read because I only read scifi novels published around the time my mom was born I get from used book stores. I also read books about McBroom’s Farm, but there were never and Vampire Girls fighting Frankenstein Girls. Maybe some of his kids were vampires or Frankensteins, he had like a million of them and also ran a zoo at one point besides the farm where I bet the Silver-Tailed Teakettler fought the Sidehill Gouger.

If you like gore and splatter effects and CGI blood, then this movie has that stuff and you probably already at least know about it. But maybe you haven’t bothered to rent it from NetFlix yet and are deciding on if you should see it or requesting Goonies one more time. And that is where TarsTarkas.NET can help. First of all, go get Goonies from a used DVD store, you can probably get it for like $5 thanks the the economic apocalypse. Second, give us $5 as well. This doesn’t help you, but it helps us. Everyone wins! (Everyone at TarsTarkas.NET!)

VGxFG is much like the Twilight saga, in that there are two specially powered teenagers fighting over the heart of a normal teenagers. Sure, the sexes are reversed, and the werewolf is a Frankenstein monster now, but it is similar. And no one sits in a window for four months while some generic alt rock blares in the background about possibilities. Come to think of it, VGxFG is nothing like Twilight. Forget I said anything!

Let’s get the Roll Call out of the way before I devote another paragraph to how VGxFG is exactly like Lethal Weapon 3…

Monami Arukado/Vampire Girl (Yukie Kawamura) – A lonely vampire girl searching for love by tricking boys into eating her blood. Just like all other women… Yukie Kawamura is a gravure idol so check out her gallery we put together.
Keiko Furano/Frankenstein Girl (Eri Otoguro) – dresses in the gothic-lolita style tough girl with a squad of three gang members who bully Jyugon into being her boyfriend…until Monami comes along. Is eventually killed and rebuilt by her father as Frankenstein Girl ready for revenge.
Jyugon Mizushima (Takumi Saito) – The innocent cute boy trapped in a world where two super-powered girls battle over his heart without consulting him in the slightest. Isn’t love grand?
Kenji Furano (Kanji Tsuda) – Vice-Principal/science teacher and Keiko’s father. Also secretly a mad scientist who experiments on the students.
Midori (Sayaka Kametani) – The over-sexed school nurse Mizushima goes to see because he’s still freaking out. It turns out she is also the mad assistant to Kenji Furano for his crazed experiments in chopping up students.

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