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Bikini Frankenstein (Review)

Bikini Frankenstein


2010
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
Written by Sherman Scott

Bikini Frankenstein
Bikini Frankenstein was first hinted at after the titles of Bikini Airways. But then the film never came out and people dismissed it as a joke. But, Cinemax being skinemax kept ordering new Fred Olen Ray Bikini movies, and as Ray worked his way through concept after concept, Bikini Frankenstein suddenly became viable again, and thus now exists. There isn’t a callback to Bikini Airways that I recognized, though there is an airline in the film, but a shame the airline wasn’t Janus Air, which would have been a cool callback. I’m all about inserting references into films no one will ever get. Frankie Cullen appeared in Bikini Airways, though, so that’s something.

Bikini Frankenstein was one of five Bikini films made at the same time – (the other four are Bikini Royale 2, Twilight Vamps, Housewives from Another World, and Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros) – and there is a cast shakeup from the usual Fred Olen Ray stable of actors as Cinemax wanted to shake things up a bit. Now, I know many people are disappointed we don’t have any Voodoo, Evan Stone, or Nicole Sheridan in the films, but they made tons of flicks together and there are even a few I haven’t seen yet. But at least we still got Christine Nguyen! Priorities, man! Also Ted Newsom, always a winner.
Bikini Frankenstein

Quality-wise, It looks like these new films are shot in widescreen, though that may have happened with the last four films, but I just recorded them off of tv so I am not sure. That’s what happens when you move to a house without cable, you have to buy dvds. The audio has also improved with the new cameras, and even the sex scenes are better. Plus Retromedia revamped their logo to better fit the widescreen.

Bikini Frankenstein is based on the novel by Mary Shelley – why not? Public domain has its privileges! This review is based on the classic novel Mickey Mouse and Boy Thursday! Okay, maybe not…but at least Bikini Frankenstein isn’t fighting zombies.

There are two special songs from rockabilly/rockaghoul/surf music band The Graveyard Farmers – Formaldehyde and Gimme Some Loving, for those of you into music that is cool.
Bikini Frankenstein

Dr. Victor Frankenstein (Frankie Cullen) – has crackpot theories! Frankie Cullen in glasses looks amazingly like David Arquette in glasses. It’s weird! Frankenstein brings the dead back to life, has sex with his assistants and students, and gets revenge on those who laughed at him by succeeding in his goals. It’s totally inspirational! Frankie Cullen was seen before on TarsTarkas.NET in Cleavagefield and was somewhere in Bikini Airways, being the only connection to the original announcement of the film I could find.
Ingrid (Brandin Rackley) – Frankenstein’s assistant, but she does her best work outside the lab. Brandin Rackley was also in Cleavagefield.
Eve (Jayden Cole) – It’s Bikini Frankenstein! And yet, she never wears a bikini… In any event, Eve is brought back from the dead and now lusts for human private parts. And she gets some. Lots. Too much to handle.
Claudia (Christine Nguyen) – Claudia is an old acquaintance of Frankenstein’s who is now with Frankenstein’s old rival. But that doesn’t stop her from getting some action on the side. I’m going to be lazy and just link to the Christine Nguyen tag, but she’s been in a ton of films we’ve covered!
Clyde (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Dr. Frankenstein’s arch-rival gets him banished, but is later embarrassed as Frankenstein proves he was right all along…
Professor Van Sloane (Ted Newsom) – Biology department head at State University, who banishes Dr. Frankenstein after he catches the good doctor playing doctor with his daughter. His poor dog Pookie died and Dr. Frankenstein wanted to reanimate it. Ted Newsom is a Fred Olen Ray regular and has been seen here in Super Ninja Doll, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Bewitched Housewives, and Bikini Royale.
Dr. Waldman (Ron Ford) – A fellow member of the faculty at State University who gets invited to the big unveiling of Bikini Frankenstein. Ron Ford is a one-man cult movie making machine, he writes, directs, does special effects, camera work, drives people around, and will even show up with a goofy mustache.
Debbie (Alexis Texas) – Professor Van Sloane’s sweet daughter is Dr. Frankenstein’s student. Who he has sex with. Alexis Texas has been slimed more than Bill Murray in Ghostbusters in such fine films as Bubble Butt Babysitters, Destination Tonsils 2, Rain Coater’s Point of View 6, and Buttwoman vs. Slutwoman.

Bikini Frankenstein

Seduce and Swindle

Discount Puppet Explosion 411 – Episode 102 – Seduce & Swindle

Discount Puppet Explosion 411 – Two teams compete to give the best reviews of bad movies. In this episode, Team B’s first entry is a review of the Japanese film Seduce and Swindle, set in the cutthroat world of marriage swindling. Is it enough to get the lead and win the fabulous prizes? Or is Team B now in danger of being blasted to the moon?

Visit us on Youtube. And remember, it’s Seduction Time!

Seduce and Swindle

Yod Manut Computer

Yod Manut Computer (Review)

Yod Manut Computer

aka Computer Superman

1977
Directed by ??? (maybe Sompote Sands?)

Yod Manut Computer is a Thai comedy about some wacky guys with wacky powers who have wacky adventures in Wackyland, Wackyland being Thailand, which is pretty wacky. Thailand has an awesome film industry which is in complete disarray because most of their film heritage is disintegrating as no one cares, and most of their modern films are being chopped up by censors from the various governments Thailand has over the years. It is possible if you read this in the future (hello from the past, by the way) that Thailand will have several more governments from the current one, which recently killed a bunch of people and there were riots in the capital. See, Wackyland!

So Yod Manut Computer made it onto vcd because it was made by Chaiyo Productions and Sompote Sands, as opposed to some random production company. You might have heard of Chaiyo productions thanks to Chaiyo’s theft of the Ultraman franchise and the resounding lawsuits that Chaiyo finally lost decades later. This film still looks like garbage what with the fullscreen cropping, vcd compression, and film stock degradation. Heck, even the title screen seems to be gone, or maybe the film never mentioned its title as the credits do roll but without anything that I can recognize as a film title, and I spend literally over an hour trying to read every credit in the beginning and comparing it to words in the title. The things I do for this website…

The Roll Call has a grand total of one person with their actual name. This is not because of a lack of trying, this is because of a lack of information on older Thai film in English. If you want to do something about it, learn Thai, then translate a lot of Thai film credits into English, launch a website dedicated to identifying Thai actors in film, and stop complaining that I am not doing it because I already have a bunch of other languages to learn before Thai. So whoever Duangchewan and Choosri are will remain a mystery for now.

Pilam (Yodchai Meksuwan) – Pilam is a freak who was born with a tail. Many people are born with tails, and a few of them aren’t human/demon hybrids but normal people like you and me! Pilam is one of them Pilam eventually loses his tail thanks to a crazy lady, but quickly becomes computer enhanced thanks to Crazy Professor Guy. Yodchai Meksuwan was one of the Thai movie superstars in the 1970s after the death of Mitr Chaibancha but left film in 1977, though he occasionally pops back up, but he’s mainly an artist now.
Snotty (Thep Tienchai) – James Band!! Snotty produces gooey goo from his nose that acts like glue, but only when the script calls for it, otherwise it acts like snot.
Hands (???) – Hands has giant hands, thus the name I gave him since I couldn’t figure out his real name. Maybe I should have called him Manos… He was the inspiration for the Foo Fighters video of Everlong!
Ears (???) – Ears has big ears, which act like radar dishes and allow him to hear things that he shouldn’t hear. Like your secrets. Ears knows what you did. You better confess to the cops now, Ears is writing them an email to tip them off as you read this. Ears can grow the ears even bigger if he wants to, which will allow him to hear into your very soul, and the darkness that resides there. Poor Ears, as you got some nasty stuff going on deep in your soul. Maybe you should talk to a psychologist. Or an exorcist…
Crazy Professor Guy (???) – He’s crazy, he’s a professor, he’s the Crazy Professor Guy! Obviously his real name and not one I just made up for the review.

Tekken movie

Discount Puppet Explosion 411 – Episode 101 – Tekken

Yep, we’re doing videos now! TarsTarkas.NET enters the 21st century, ten years too late. Oh, well. Please enjoy our cheap puppets and cheap jokes!

Discount Puppet Explosion 411 – Two teams compete to give the best reviews of bad movies. In this episode, Team A takes on the video game movie Tekken. Who will win the fabulous prizes? Who will be blasted off to the moon? Who cost less than $1 in materials to build? Find out as Discount Puppet Explosion 411 plays out…

Visit us on Youtube! We’re also going to post the videos here because we can.

Battle League Horumo

Battle League Horumo (Review)

Battle League Horumo

aka Kamogawa Horumo

2009
Directed by Katsuhide Motoki
Based on the novel by Manabu Makime


All of us who have been to college know the excitement of the day where all the clubs get to set up tables and try to convince people to join up. Chess Club, Young Democrats, Free Tibet, that club that build a solar car, and the club where you command armies of demons to battle other demons. What, your school didn’t have a Horumo Club? They’re the greatest thing ever if you like CGI demon sprites (called Oni) beating each other with clubs while the human controllers make weird gestures commanding the troops. I commanded a Horumo squad back in my days at Mizzou and we won all sorts of battles: the Battle of the University Bookstore, the Battle of the 7-11 near campus, the Battle of Jesse Hall, the Battle of Stop Raising Our Damn Tuition, the last one being more of a riot than a battle and demons in riot gear had to be bussed in from East Hades.

But, still, Horumo battling was the fourth best time of my life, behind only my marriage, writing for this site, and the time I found a green ring and became a lantern or something.

Battle League Horumo is from Japan, because Japan specializes in stories about humans controlling various tiny things in battle with each other. That and cartoon seizure robots. BLH (as I’ll call it from now on because laziness rules) is based on a book by Manabu Makime that I haven’t read because I can only read Japanese children’s books.

BLH suffers from one major flaw – it is totally slow. The plot drags on and on. I am not sure how they got it to drag so slowly as Japan seems to specialize in films clocking in at barely over an hour. But BLH manages to be two hours long! Looks like Korea is influencing cinema again. So if you got a movie where people control CGI demon sprites, shouldn’t you show the freaking sprites before 50 minutes into the movie? But don’t let me complaining in the intro satisfy your urge, let’s complain as the movie unfolds!

Akira Abe (Takayuki Yamada) – Akira Abe is just a college freshman who gets dragged into the world of Horumo due to his stomach and his wang. And while his stomach gets full, his wang never gets the satisfaction of being inside Kyoko Sawara like it wants to. But as he ends up with Chiaki Kuriyama, he can’t complain. SPOILERS!
Fumi Kusunoki (Chiaki Kuriyama) – I find Chiaki Kuriyama more fitting for the hot babe role played by Sei Ashina, even with the glasses and wig, but Japan seems to be suffering from “girl with glasses = ugly” syndrome so popular in the US. They explain her look as that of some 80’s comedienne referred to as the “licking lady.” I have no idea if this is a real person or just a joke from the book that made it into the movie. It probably doesn’t really matter, but maybe at some point five years from now someone will read this review and leave a comment with the answer. And minds will be blown. In any event, if you don’t know who Chiaki Kuriyama is, then you probably don’t belong on the internet because this is nerd knowledge of the most basic degree.
Koichi Takamura (Gaku Hamada) – Akira’s buddy from America who gets dragged into this Horumo business despite being the kind of person who cracks under pressure. Getting punished by the gods is just another Thursday for Takamura.
Kyoko Sawara (Sei Ashina) – Kyoko Sawara is the hot babe of the group. She’s Akira’s crush, but then he finds out her terrifying secret – she’s dating a jerk. Maybe he should have asked her out in the year or so he had where they were just friends. You might have seen Sei Ashina in the movie Silk, but then again, no one saw that movie.
Mitsuru Ashiya (Takuya Ishida) – The bad boy of the group because he is angry. I didn’t even know he was supposed to be a main character until 2/3rds of the way into the film. And thats with all the extra padding they put in that was supposed to add flavor and characterization.
Makoto Sugawara (YosiYosi Arakawa) – The current head of the club, 499th president. He takes charge of everything and is in a lot of the movie, but we don’t really get a feel for just who Makoto Sugawara is. Someone who writes songs about rainbows? A lover? A dreamer? Me?

Future X-Cops movie

Future X-Cops (Review)

Future X-Cops

aka Mei loi ging chaat

2010
Directed and written by Wong Jing

The background spinning enrages me!

Future X-Cops is a mixed bag, a film that is part-action, part-comedy, part-drama, part-romance. We got robot guys, time travel, yelling kids, loved ones dying, weird slapstick, a dude with a microwave on his head, a guy who is trapped in a TV, an insect cyborg gang, a giant industrial machine, a cyborg cat lady, and hundreds of cops murdered. It’s all part of Wong Jing’s strategy of throwing the whole buffet against the wall and hoping it turns into a Monet painting. But instead we get more of a Thomas Kinkade.

When Future X-Cops was first announced, it was announced as the title Future Cops, which instantly made everyone think it was a remake of Wong Jing’s Future Cops, especially since Wong Jing was writing and directing this one. But as more details came out, suddenly the film was titled Future X-Cops and bared little resemblance to Future Cops except ripping off the basic plot of cops from the future being sent back in time to protect someone from being killed by bad guys.

In the future, gas shortages lead to go-kart madness!

It has been nice seeing Hong Kong start to pump out some more SciFi movies, but between this and Kung Fu Cyborg we have a ways to go before Hong Kong becomes a SciFi action mainstay. But some day they’ll produce things on par with I Love Maria again!

Like recent movie Beauty on Duty, there are a bajillion production companies and a bajillion producers for this flick. At this point, anyone with a spare $5 can be a Hong Kong producer and you can just have your named added to the wall of text during the opening credits.

Originally I was going to write a short version of this review, but the more I kept watching, the more I kept getting confused and angry and weirdly entertained, but not at the parts I should be entertained at. Thus, the review now is pretty long. Feel free to skip reading it and just look at the pictures, I’m under no delusions that 90% of you don’t do just that anyway. This text is just for us cool 10%ers. You know, the ones who are awesome.

Every one of these characters miss

Kidd Zhao (Andy Lau Tak-Wah) – He’s a cop, he’s from the future, and he’s an x. Whatever that means. But it does mean he’s a Future X-Cop! He’s also a robot, which sorts of makes up for his awful name. Andy Lau was in Future Cops besides being in Future X-Cops, making him the expert of Wong Jing films involving cops and futures.
Holly Wang (Barbie Hsu Hsi-Yuan) – Holly Wang is a cop from the present who likes Kidd Zhao, but he can’t like her back because then history will change and JFK will marry Hitler or something. So instead Holly Wang has to just be sad and look pale. So, so pale.
Kalon (Fan Siu-Wong) – Kalon is a evil cyborg guy who used to have a whole gang of cyborgs until Kidd Zhao killed most of them. Kalon’s crab claw cyborg stuff are upgraded to wings, snake arms, and other goofy stuff. Fan Siu-Wong was just on TarsTarkas.NET in Beauty On Duty, but he just couldn’t stay away!
Fiona (Tang Yi-Fei) – Kalon’s girl is a cyborg cat lady! She also goes back in time with her man so when they’re defeated by Kidd Zhao they’ll die together. Tang Yi-Fei is having so much fun being an evil cyborg cat lady it’s awesome. Just enjoy her over-acting cat moves and ridiculous smile as she does her moves.
Kiki Zhao (Xu Jiao) – Hey, that boy from CJ7 is a girl now! Kidd Zhao brings his daughter back in time with him for some reason because I guess they don’t have laws against bringing your relatives into harm’s way in the future.
Millie (Fan Bing-Bing) – Speaking of relatives in harm’s way, Kidd Zhao’s wife was also a x-cop in the future. Notice how I used the past tense? That’s because she won’t make it past the 20 minute mark!
After The Dark Knight, there was nowhere for the franchise to go but down