If you took a Dungeons & Dragons adventure written hastily by an 8th grader during study hall and turned it into a movie, you’d wind up with something a lot like Hawk the Slayer. In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how they actually got the script. But this movie has something that no D&D adventure can claim: Jack Palance. A whole lot of Jack Palance. Specifically MEGA-EVIL Jack Palance, playing a character named Voltan. He yells, kills, yells, whisper-threatens, whisper-yells, kills, and mostly just yells his way across the countryside. Seems no one can stop him until his brother Hawk – yes, his brother, despite being about 40 years younger – gathers an elf, a dwarf, and a giant to take him down. Not as much dignity as a Fellowship of the Ring, more of a… Crew of the Stuff.
Keen-eyed fans may recognize the dwarf from our release Prisoners of the Lost Universe. Also, the actor playing Hawk went on to portray Jack’s dad in Lost — hmmm, Prisoners of the LOST Universe, LOST, time to dig up your old Lost conspiracy theories because there’s something happening here, IT’S ALL CONNECTED.
Join Mike, Kevin and Bill for a heaping helping of Jack the Palance and Hawk the Slayer!
Iron Swallow (Review)
Iron Swallow
aka 鐵燕 aka Tie Yan aka Shaolin Iron Eagle
1978
Story by Chu Yu
Directed by Cheung Pooi-Shing (as Chang Pay-Cherng)
Revenge is a dish best served cold. That’s what some Klingon guy told me, anyway. Iron Swallow is basically a kung fu version of I Know What You Did Last Summer, except it’s a decade later and the children of the slain are the ones having revenge. Revenge is the topic of discussion, because it’s the topic everyone is talking about.
The elders did a horrible crime they refuse to talk about to anyone or even each other. It quickly becomes obvious that it involves rape, murder, and bribes to cover up their deeds. Many of them spent years worrying about the crimes, some throwing themselves into philanthropy out of guilt. None of the characters will call the authorities when attacked, because they don’t want to drag up their sordid histories. This leaves their younger relatives confused and frustrated, knowing something bad is happening and seeing their parents unwilling to do anything about it.
The revenge plot is so much the sole focus that there isn’t some of the usual kung fu tropes. No one seeks out a great master, there is no training montage. There isn’t a gallant knight hanging out in disguise to set things right. It is just pure revenge. The purity of the focus of Iron Swallow is welcome, sometimes films try to do too much and end up accomplishing nothing, while Iron Swallow does what it is supposed to do and does it well.
The problem with all these lovely dubbed kung fu features is it is impossible to get anyone’s name correct, so please excuse me if the character names I use don’t sound exactly like the ones you hear when you watch the film. There is rarely consensus on just how the characters’ names are said by the dubbers, changing depending on who is speaking or what accent the ex-pat in Hong Kong/Taiwan who is doing the part has. Occasionally, the dubbers pronounce the same name differently in two concurrent sentences. Thus, all references to Chia Ling’s character will just be Iron Swallow.
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Garage Sale Mystery: All That Glitters uncovers treasure on Hallmark Movies & Mysteries!
Jennifer Shannon (Lori Loughlin) has a gift for finding rare treasures hidden in garage sales that she can resell at her consignment store, Rags to Riches. But her keen eye for finding valuables also gets her involved in the criminal investigations that happen at the very second-hand sales she frequents. When Jennifer’s friend and self-storage facility owner Martin (Michael Kopsa) turns up murdered just hours after auctioning off an abandoned storage unit full of unique items to Jennifer, she is immediately pulled on the case as a key eyewitness. Working with Detective Lynwood (Kevin O’Grady), Jennifer helps single out a disgruntled customer as the prime suspect, while she and her business partner, Danielle (Sarah Strange), sift through boxes from the auction. As her husband Jason (Steve Bacic) worries about her safety, Jennifer starts to get over her head when there is a break-in at her store and a run-in with Martin’s angry wife. Then, Jennifer and Danielle discover their new merchandise contains the sparkly evidence they needed all along to nail the surprising real culprit. They must race to save a life and put their own on the line. Will they succeed before times runs out?
Garage Sale Mystery: All That Glitters stars Lori Loughlin, Michael Kopsa, Kevin O’Grady, Sarah Strange, and Steve Bacic. It’s directed by actor/director Peter DeLuise (Zapped) and written by Walter Klenhard (Garage Sale Mystery), based on the original novel by Suzi Weinert.
Who knew that garage sales and buying storage lockers was so deadly? No wonder everyone died in the Storage Wars, at least that is my understanding, having never watched the tv show. Nor shall I, with all these new mystery movies to watch!
Garage Sale Mystery: All That Glitters premieres Sunday, October 26, on Hallmark Movies & Mysteries.
via Hallmark Movies & Mysteries
photo via Hallmark
One Starry Christmas shines bright on Hallmark!
An aspiring astronomy professor finds unexpected Christmas romance when she meets a charming cowboy during her holiday travel. As she decides between this new cowboy and her practical boyfriend, she must decide whether it’s better to play it safe in love, or let an adventurous cowboy steal her heart.
There are cowboys, astronomers, boring guys, and Christmas cheer. As I don’t think there will be time travel, weather experiments, or colored logs thrown into a train, this will be a contemporary romance tale with Christmas dressing, sort of like Iron Man 3.
One Starry Christmas stars Sarah Carter as Holly, Damon Runyan as Luke, Paul Popowich as Adam, Kathleen Laskey (Betsy, Neil Crone as Ken, George Canyon as Bull, Daniel Karasik as Mark.
One Starry Christmas is directed by John Bradshaw (Pegasus vs. Chimera) and is written by Rickie Castaneda (Catch a Christmas Star). Catch it November 1st on Hallmark Channel, if you like Christmas cowboy romance films.
image via Hallmark
Lifetime’s Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever has a soundtrack
Aubrey Plaza has been cast as the voice of Grumpy Cat, because easy paychecks are the best paychecks. After all, Bill Murray did it!
Grumpy Cat (voiced by Aubrey Plaza) is a lonely cat living in a mall pet shop. Because she never gets chosen by customers, she develops a sour outlook on life…until one day during the holidays, a very special 12-year-old girl named Chyrstal enters the pet store and falls in love with her after realizing she is the only person who can hear this unique cat talk. As the two develop a close friendship during the holiday rush, Grumpy reluctantly thwarts the kidnapping of an exotic dog she dislikes and, on Christmas Eve, rescues Chyrstal after the mall closes. Through her adventures, will Grumpy learn the true meaning of Christmas? Or will it be, in her words, the “Worst. Christmas. Ever?”
Wait, wait, wait. “CHYRSTAL”??? I hate this movie more than I thought I could.
Anyway, here are the track listings:
1. Its Hard To Be A Cat On Christmas
2. Sleigh Ride
3. Jingle Bells
4. Up On The Housetop
5. Deck The Halls
6. Worst Time Of Year
7. Christmastime Again
8. Carol Of The Bells
9. Holiday Bells
10. Christmas Honey
11. All I Want For Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)
12. White Christmas
13. Grumpcracker Medley
14. A Very Grumpy Christmas
Will there be a Grumpcracker scene? Or is it just a cute name? We will find out soon enough. Too soon, some may say.
Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever airs Saturday, November 29, on Lifetime.
via Lifetime
Also here is Grumpy Cat driving a car in the movie for some reason:
Learn how teen exorcisms are dangerous with High School Possession on Lifetime!

I was totally just possessed when I harassed those attractive diminutive perjurers! I’d never do anything like that in now.
Lauren is your average high school student. Intelligent and gifted, she’s the student editor of the school newspaper, and as part of her senior year project, she’s doing an expose on each of the school cliques. Her next assignment is to follow Olivia and her church youth group known as “The Chosen”. One night after interviewing them, Lauren stumbles onto The Chosen performing an exorcism on a girl led by Reverend Young. Lauren is horrified but intrigued so she begins to investigate and it seems to have really helped the girl. Meanwhile, Lauren’s best friend Chloe is having trouble and spiraling out of control at home and at school. Her mother has taken her to countless doctors and none of them can clearly diagnose her. The only option remaining is for Chloe to be hospitalized. Lauren realizes that Chloe might be possessed and needs an exorcism. But when Reverend Young refuses to help them Lauren and The Chosen decide to take matters into their own hands…except not all of the girls may be doing this to save Chloe and when it becomes evident that Olivia is performing the ritual to hurt her it’s up to Lauren to truly save Chloe.
High School Possession has a strong as heck cast: Janel Parrish (Pretty Little Liars, Bratz), Jennifer Stone (Wizards of Waverly Place), Ione Skye (Say Anything…), Kelly Hu (Scorpion King), Shanley Caswell (Detention), and Bailey Anne Borders (Raze). More than enough to get my attention!
It’s directed by Peter Sullivan (Christmas Twister) and written by Hanz Wasserburger (also Christmas Twister), both of which have pedigrees in made-for-tv holiday movies, so that’s the only worrying part. Unless you think of this as a made-for-tv Halloween movie, then it sounds better!
Either way, this looks cool, so I am programming the DVR. High School Possession premieres Saturday, October 25th on Lifetime!
via Lifetime