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InMovie News

Lifetime drowns us all in new Christmas movies, incest

November 15, 2013By

Flowers in the Attic Lifetime

Santa has brought us only shame


Lifetime is making sure you are in the holiday spirit, whether you like it or not! They’re throwing a new movie up ever Saturday with Christmas themes, beginning with last Saturday’s A Country Christmas Story (which stars Dolly Parton!) Eventually, you will surrender to the sound of bells being jingled and sleighs rocking, until you’re singing in a chorus in town square, even though your town’s square was bulldozed for a Walmart and only the hobos are singing with you.

Maybe you should move to a better town.

But as Christmas will not be denied, Lifetime is even calling it “It’s a Wonderful Lifetime”, so they’ve beaten us to the pun bus! So plet us find out about Lifetime’s magical films!

“A Country Christmas Story” The film follows a young Appalachian mountain girl (newcomer Desiree Ross, “Park Bench”) as she pursues her dream of becoming a country star against the wishes of her mother (Megyn Price, “Rules of Engagement”). Her journey to the stage at Dollywood with a singing competition hosted by Dolly Parton reunites her with her musician father (McKnight) and uncovers the musical legacy of African Americans in the world of country music. Mary Kay Place (“Big Love”) stars as her grandmother.

It’s true, there are black country singers besides LL Cool J and Hootie! DeFord Bailey, Robert Johnson, Charlie Pride, and countless other blacks who sang and played in country bands and taught white superstars how to play. This film actually sounds pretty interesting if they go into all that history. Did anyone catch it?

“Twelve Trees of Christmas” – Saturday, November 16, at 8.7c
Local librarian Cherie (LINDY BOOTH) is ecstatic to celebrate the holiday season until she learns that a real estate developer, Tony (ROBBIN DUNN), has plans to demolish her library. Cherie rallies her neighbors to help save the library with a Christmas tree decorating contest. Not to be deterred, Tony joins the competition and recruits professional interior designer, Cordelia (MEL B), to help him beat Cherie. Will Cherie’s devotion be enough to save her beloved library?

A film about how libraries are awesome and big developers are jerk, starring a Spice Girl! How could this be a movie and not one of those mystery books with magical cats I read that always star librarians? (I actually do read them!) Nice to see one pop up on tv, mutated into a Christmas film thanks to the injection of a Mr. Potter character.

“Kristin’s Christmas Past” – Saturday, November 23, at 8.7c
Estranged from her family, Kristin (SHIRI APPLEBY) falls asleep alone on Christmas Eve only to wake up and discover it’s Christmas morning 1996 and she has to relive the worst Christmas of her life! But this time, Kristin decides to do things differently to change not only her imperfect past, but also her less- than-perfect future. ‘80s icon and Golden Globe nominee JUDD NELSON returns to the screen alongside Disney starlet DEBBY RYAN and Revolution’s ELIZABETH MITCHELL.

Groundhog Day meets A Christmas Carol? Just imagine how sad your life must be if it has a terrible Christmas Past.

“Dear Secret Santa” – Saturday, November 30, at 8.7c
After breaking up with her boyfriend, Jennifer (TATYANA ALI) moves back to the house she grew up in, bringing back memories of her recently deceased friend Jack (LAMORNE MORRIS). But after receiving a Christmas card from a secret admirer, she is stunned when she discovers the truth. JORDIN SPARKS, BILL COBBS, DELLA REESE and ERNIE HUDSON headline the star-studded cast.

Is the truth her friend isn’t dead? And that he became Santa? Uh, probably spoilers.

“Christmas in the City” – Saturday, December 7, at 8.7c
After closing down her small-town family business, Wendy (ASHLEY WILLIAMS) and her six-year-old daughter Grace move to the big city where an old friend offers her a job in the toy department of Wolmans. But her excitement is short lived when the store’s new consultant, Teanna (ASHANTI), ruins the holiday spirit throughout the store by replacing Santa with a hunky male underwear model. It’s only when Grace begins to lose faith in the holiday that Wendy realizes she must bring the true meaning of Christmas back to Wolmans before it is too late.

Sex in the City, except lust is rejected in favor of jolly fat guys. Excuse me, I mean the Christmas spirit. Or something. Ashanti, why you gotta ruin Christmas???

“Christmas on the Bayou” – Saturday, December 14, at 8.7c
One Tree Hill alums HILARIE BURTON and TYLER HILTON reunite in this charming love story. When successful New York marketing executive Katherine (BURTON) discovers her workaholic ways are taking a toll on her eight-year-old son, Zac, she decides to spend Christmas with him and her mother, Lilly (MARKIE POST) in her home town on the bayou. When Caleb (HILTON) tries to rekindle a childhood romance and convince her to move back home, Katherine is torn between the bright lights of the big city and the quiet, gentler rhythms of her Southern roots. Only a Christmas miracle orchestrated by Papa Noel (ED ASNER) can steer her heart to her true home. Also stars RANDY TRAVIS.

Another film about the evils of the city and a woman having a career while having a child. Luckily, Red State America is there to show her that she can have it all, if what she wants is to live with her mom and not have a career, married to some guy who wasn’t good enough 15 years ago. But I’m sure he’s quite charming. Maybe Papa Noel should stop with the paternalism and worry about actual problems in the world.

“A Snow Globe Christmas” – Saturday, December 14, at 10.9c
A cynical television executive (ALICIA WITT) looks at the perfect world inside a snow globe and rants about how the Christmas movies she produces fall short of real life. Upset, she tries to smash the globe in to pieces, but instead, ends up knocking herself in the head. She wakes up in a perfect snow-covered town, married to her ex, Ted (DONALD FAISON), with two kids. Trying desperately to return to her old life, she slowly realizes the importance of family and begins to find happiness. Also stars CHRISTINA MILIAN and TREVOR DONOVAN.

One thing that always makes me wonder about these fantasy movies where in alternate futures they have kids, is if they return to the real reality, are the kids MURDERED??? Poor kids, you have no soul because you live in a pocket universe that doesn’t exist! Let’s hope these kids don’t get eradicated from existence. But shoutout to Lifetime for an interracial marriage in a movie!

After all that Christmas Cheer, you will be well prepared for the child abuse incest tale Flowers in the Attic, coming to Lifetime January 18th! Merry Christmas!

Based on V.C. Andrews’ controversial book that quickly became a cult classic, the Lifetime Original Movie “Flowers in the Attic” weaves the twisted story of the Dollanganger kids who, after the unexpected death of their father, are convinced by their mother Corrine (Heather Graham) to stay hidden in the attic of their wealthy grandparents’ mansion so she can reclaim the family fortune. But as her visits begin to wane after she becomes involved with a new husband (Dylan Bruce), the children endure unimaginable treatment at the hands of their ruthless grandmother Olivia Foxworth (Ellen Burstyn). As years go by and the eldest children Cathy (Kiernan Shipka) and Christopher (Mason Dye) come of age, both emotionally and physically, their family’s sordid past entraps them further as they look to each other for comfort.

InMovie News

A sequel to War of the Roses???

November 13, 2013By

Welcome to the world of sequels we never needed, The War of the Roses – The Children! It’s true, there was a book followup to the source novel for the 1989 Danny DeVito directed film The War of the Roses, and it was instantly snatched up by movie studios eager to capitalize on the public’s lust for more The War of the Roses!

If you remember, Sean Astin played the role of the son, while someone named Heather Fairfield played the daughter. It is doubtful either will reprise their roles, but you never know.

The War of the Roses – The Children deals with the children of the divorce, and how it affects their lives. If there is one thing that has become common, it is children of divorces. This isn’t even a unique spin on the genre, only one real divorce, and the majority of the children’s trauma is probably from their parents’ deaths, not their divorce. Many people reading this probably come from “broken” homes, it is not unusual. Heck, I had double divorces growing up, and I’m not even close to some of the messed up family life others have.

At least be creative, how about children of a blended marriage that also ended in divorce, with step- and half-siblings all over the mix. Or bring back Sean Astin for Hobbit Divorce Stories!

Yada yada book synopsis copied from Amazon to pump up post length:

“More than 20 years after the publication of The War of the Roses, the divorce story that inspired the famous movie starring Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, author Warren Adler returns with a biting sequel. Just when it seems the Rose children are headed for self-destruction, hilarious and unpredictable events intervene in Adler’s wicked follow-up.” Pages Magazine

Warren Adler’s The War of The Roses leaped onto the public consciousness and has since remained an essential thread in a wider tapestry of divorce iconography. Now, Adler presents us with the chandelier-shattering legacy of Barbara and Jonathan Rose relived in their children Josh and Evie in a hilarious sequel to the original iconic tale about the perils of marriage, divorce and the destructive power of materialism.

Unlike the legendary Roses, Josh’s marriage to Victoria should have all the qualities of an everlasting union. But when an innocent caper involving missing Milky Ways catapults out of control at their son’s elite private school, the pair find themselves entering into a shattering warfare of a different kind. Armed with the emotional mayhem inherited from their parents, as well as compounded pressures involving a depraved headmaster, clandestine affairs and Victoria’s male-hating mother, The War of the Roses – the Children presents a gripping story of the lengths to which parents will go to protect their children.

Little more than a child herself, Josh’s ever sympathetic and over-stuffed sister Evie lavishes her ‘food-is-love’ obsession on her beloved niece and nephew coping with their own sense of loss. Meanwhile, Michael and Emily, soon-to-be children of divorce, orchestrate their own plan to keep their family together at all costs. Adler, once again, demonstrates his storytelling mastery by revealing the intricate blending of the past with the present, and how time unravels all things seemingly perfect to be darkly and even comically dysfunctional.

And now here is an unrelated image from Rosesx on DeviantArt that showed up via Google Image Search:
Amy Rose Sonic

InMovie News

Android Cop – Asylum strikes again

November 13, 2013By

You knew it was coming, but you wouldn’t believe it! Yes, Android Cop is Asylum’s mockbuster of Robocop, and might be good enough to satisfy everyone who is making angry noises about the new Robocop remake. Or not. Or maybe the remake will be good. It is a mystery that can only be solved by watching both films.

Android Cop will star Michael Jai White as Android Cop, and also feature Charles S. Dutton and Kadeem Hardison! This is an awesome cast list.

In this futuristic, action-packed thriller, a cop and his robotic partner enter the Zone, a forbidden section of the city inhabited by a diseased stricken populace. Together, they discover the real reason everyone is sick, and attempt to stop the illness – with the help of the machine’s powerful technology and weaponry.

This plot has nothing to do with either Robocop plots, which is good.

If all else fails, you will be able to buy this for a dollar…in the Wal-Mart discount DVD bins!

via FCS

Android Cop Asylum

Sleepy Hollow Midnight Ride
InTelevision Reviews

Sleepy Hollow S01E07 – “The Midnight Ride”

November 12, 2013By

Sleepy Hollow Midnight Ride

Abbie prepares Kris Jenner for her photoshoot!


Sleepy Hollow “The Midnight Ride”
Directed by Doug Aarniokoski
Written by Heather V. Regnier
Sleepy Hollow Midnight Ride

MATRIX!!!


Pop the corks and pour yourself a big bubbly glass of crazy awesome, because Sleepy Hollow has raised the bar on how to make awesomely entertaining shows out something that sounds ludicrous!

Case in point is the latest episode – “The Midnight Ride“. We begin with Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on April 18th, 1775, but did you know he was chased by He Who Would Be the Headless Horseman? Also the Headed Horseman axed the crap out of most of Revere’s fellows.

Sleepy Hollow Midnight Ride

Sleepy Hollow is the bomb!


This historical tinkering isn’t new for Sleepy Hollow, but as they’ve embraced their new mythology for how the Revolutionary War was just one battlefield for the Secret War Between Good and Evil, the historical events will become more entwined into this mythology. Just last week we learned that the Freemasons (of which Ichabod is one, of course!) are secret heroes, and this battle has just been on pause for a bit until Ichabod and the Headless Horseman woke up.

After a few weeks of reprieve, the Horseman is back, and he wants his head! Thus, everyone prepares for battle, Abbie stocking supplies in Sheriff Corbin’s cabin (where Ichabod lives), and Ichabod marveling at her bulk food purchases. He also mocks her for buying water and becomes disgusted with the pollution in modern society. If anything, this episode has opened the floodgates for Ichabod fish out of water scenes, more happen here than in all other episodes prior. It seems like it would be overkill, but they all fit in very well with the tone.

Ichabod is meeting with the Freemasons to discuss Headless Horseman weaknesses (remember: no girls allowed at the Freemasons!) while Abbie is not meeting with them because of said rule. Also they’re meeting at night for some reason despite the fact the Headless Horseman is only active at night (sunlight can kill him!) If you think this means there will be a slaughtering happening soon, you are correct!

Commando a one man army
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Commando – A One Man Army

November 10, 2013By

Commando – A One Man Army

Commando a one man army
2013
Written by Ritesh Shah
Directed by Dilip Ghosh
Commando a one man army
Imagine if an action movie fr0m the 1990s fell into a time tunnel and popped out in 2013 India, and was given modern fight choreography. Thus, Commando – A One Man Army, which is both a mirror to the past and a painting of the now. Remember the name of star Vidyut Jamwal, whose silent but charismatic and handsome Karan character gives the film the intensity and martial arts skills it needs. Jaideep Ahlawat replies with the supernaturally evil AK 74, who isn’t happy if he’s not telling jokes and doing something totally totally evil.

Commando is very much a man’s movie, Vidyut Jamwal is basically Superman without the suit, and Jaideep Ahlawat is a maniacal gang leader who sends dozens of goons off to do violent things with a flick of the finger. Pooja Chopra’s Simrit Kaur, however, is basically useless. She does little more than be an object of desire of the villain, and the target of rescue of the hero. Simrit flips back and forth between being horribly shocked at the violent things Captain Dogra does, to being incredibly turned on that this handsome man is being all physical in front of her. Simrit’s tiny bit of rebellion – not wanting to get married and running away – simply results in major tragedy. That also lends towards the 1990s feel of Commando, as many of the women are little more than rescue prizes in the low budget action films Commando appears to copy.
Commando a one man army
I don’t want to turn this into a whole essay on how women are treated in modern Indian film (a discussion better suited for many other films), but I won’t shy away from pointing it out. Her character could be eliminated entirely from the plot with little consequence, as it would be easy to frame AK chasing after Dogra because of spilled coffee or something. In fact, I read about a test concept for this by Kelly Sue DeConnick called The Sexy Lamp Test: If the main female character could be replaced by a lamp with no adverse effects on the story, then the writer is a hack. This leads to some wonderful visuals, as heroic action heroes spend an entire movie defending the honor of the leglamp from A Christmas Story – itself nothing more than glowing sexuality that doesn’t further the plot and provides only visual stimuli.

Commando does excel with the action. This is Vidyut Jamwal’s first starring role as a hero, and he shows off his martial art skills. Jamwal is so far above everyone else in the starring rolls that even Commando knew that Jaideep Ahlawat wouldn’t be a realistic challenge to fight – Jamwal just pushes him around when they do confront each other. Instead, they bring in a rival, an Evil Commando, who has to do very evil things himself to be accepted as a villain (he has the most ridiculous introduction scene I’ve seen in a long time!) Yet Evil Commando only shows up so there can be a dramatic fight, his character doesn’t do anything for the plot, either. I blame this on another weakness of the writing, why not just make Evil Commando the villain’s cousin or something? Or he could be a different abandoned commando who decided to be evil instead of helping random women like our hero.
Commando a one man army
Commando features one other thing that we won’t be seeing much of in modern American cinema – Chinese villains! Every Chinese character is presented as evil torturers who just want to humiliate India because they can. US films have practically decided China can do no wrong, studios are very afraid of offending the Chinese censors losing out on their films being screened in the huge huge Chinese theater market. It leads to weird things happening in films, such as the Red Dawn remake being reedited so everyone is North Korean, or weird extra scenes added to the Chinese cuts of films. Commando – A One Man Army doesn’t give a crap about offending the Chinese. It’s sort of refreshing, even though the scenes are ridiculous.

After the Chinese are all killed off, the villains become the Indian politicians. It’s the system that fails Captain Dogra, abandoning him in China, and attempting to smear him when he escapes and resurfaces. The coverup becomes a twisted parody, and fuels Captain Dogra’s disdain of politicians and people not standing up to wrongdoing. Dogra even lectures the townspeople near the end of the film for being so passive and letting bad guys take over. Commando is suddenly spouting American conservative dogma, including killing your enemies. I’m not so familiar with India’s political structure to know if there is a party that is an analogue of the Republicans, but if there is, they’d be fans of Commando.
Commando a one man army
The retro feel of Commando comes from the blend of mindless action and old school attitudes about women and politics. Many of the positions Commando – A One Man Army takes are reprehensible, but not too surprising. Commando does one thing well, and that’s have awesome action sequences. The entirety of Commando‘s awesomeness is Vidyut Jamwal and his martial arts work. Jamwal practices a variety of martial arts, including jiu jitsu and kalaripayattu, an Indian martial art from Kerala. The stunts feel real, and even the few times they dive into Indian action cinema ridiculousness, they quickly snap back to more realistic. When Captain Dogra is fighting, he is in a class far beyond the average goon, so much so that the Evil Commando brought in is the only real threat (well, that and guns!) The battle with Evil Commando shows Dogra being injured and meeting his equal. Strangely enough, if the Evil Commando had been the main villain, the plot would have been more unbelievable. I can really only think of two films where the mastermind villain was just some wimpy guy who wasn’t even a slight physical threat to the hero, the other one being Eric Bogosian in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. Jaideep Ahlawat’s villainy as AK 74 was fun to watch, and he threw in enough quirky things that AK was a legitimate threat without being a physical equal.

Commando – A One Man Army is a fun blast of the past that suffers whenever nonaction is happening on the screen. The few musical sequences feel out of place (except for when AK is randomly slapping people in one song) and Pooja Chopra is wasted. But all is forgiven when people start getting punched, kicked, and punch-kicked by Vidyut Jamwal. And I hope Vidyut Jamwal goes on to punch-kick in dozens of films. Maybe even ones that don’t make you dislike every other aspect of them!

Captain Karanvir Dogra (Vidyut Jamwal) – Elite commando crashed and abandoned in China, escapes after 1 year of torture and promptly gets involved in a local dispute involved a thug and his gang of thugs. Commando soon is beating the crap out of them.
Simrit (Pooja Chopra) – Daughter of a local influential household and the object of AK 74’s desire – not because he loves her, but because he loves what the power and notoriety of her family could do for his bigger ambitions. She flees and bets Captain Dogra for help, which he complies.
AK 74 (Jaideep Ahlawat) – Local thug Amrit Kawal Singh calls himself AK 74 because all villains need cool nicknames. Has no pupils but can see. Legend has he was born on a no moon night, his father was a tyrant, and they call him devil son of a devil. Is a drug dealer and murderer, even cough syrup distribution! So that means he wants to be a politician, which is even worse! AK 74 is constantly on his phone, either playing Angry Birds or getting joke texts that he reads to his goons for laughs.

Spoilers below!
Commando a one man army

Fox Lover
InMovie News

Beast Of The Bering Sea / Bering Sea Beast airs Saturday on SyFy!

November 7, 2013By


SyFy can’t even keep its title renames straight, calling Bering Sea Beast both by its original name, and by the worse name they announced as the retitle – Beast of the Bering Sea. Whichever the title, the premiere is this Saturday, November 9th, on SyFy. I guess we’ll solve the mystery when the title card pops up on screen!

The movie features sea vampires that look like flying manta rays, which makes some goofy imagery in the trailer above. Vampire Manta Rays just want to hug!!

Cassie Scerbo and Jonathan Lipnicki play sibling prospectors who disturb a colony of amphibious sea vampires in an underwater cave. Then people die. Either due to sea vampirism or excess hugging, I am not sure. Probably one of those things.

This looks insane enough I’ll bump it higher on the “things Tars recorded and then hasn’t gotten around to watching” list. Which is pretty long. There is only one more SyFy original movie after this one, Stonados, and then we’ll have to wait for the new year for new monsters!

Beast of Bering Sea

FRIEND!!!

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