Lifetime drowns us all in new Christmas movies, incest

Flowers in the Attic Lifetime

Santa has brought us only shame

Lifetime is making sure you are in the holiday spirit, whether you like it or not! They’re throwing a new movie up ever Saturday with Christmas themes, beginning with last Saturday’s A Country Christmas Story (which stars Dolly Parton!) Eventually, you will surrender to the sound of bells being jingled and sleighs rocking, until you’re singing in a chorus in town square, even though your town’s square was bulldozed for a Walmart and only the hobos are singing with you.

Maybe you should move to a better town.

But as Christmas will not be denied, Lifetime is even calling it “It’s a Wonderful Lifetime”, so they’ve beaten us to the pun bus! So plet us find out about Lifetime’s magical films!

A Country Christmas Story” The film follows a young Appalachian mountain girl (newcomer Desiree Ross, “Park Bench”) as she pursues her dream of becoming a country star against the wishes of her mother (Megyn Price, “Rules of Engagement”). Her journey to the stage at Dollywood with a singing competition hosted by Dolly Parton reunites her with her musician father (McKnight) and uncovers the musical legacy of African Americans in the world of country music. Mary Kay Place (“Big Love”) stars as her grandmother.

It’s true, there are black country singers besides LL Cool J and Hootie! DeFord Bailey, Robert Johnson, Charlie Pride, and countless other blacks who sang and played in country bands and taught white superstars how to play. This film actually sounds pretty interesting if they go into all that history. Did anyone catch it?

Twelve Trees of Christmas” – Saturday, November 16, at 8.7c
Local librarian Cherie (LINDY BOOTH) is ecstatic to celebrate the holiday season until she learns that a real estate developer, Tony (ROBBIN DUNN), has plans to demolish her library. Cherie rallies her neighbors to help save the library with a Christmas tree decorating contest. Not to be deterred, Tony joins the competition and recruits professional interior designer, Cordelia (MEL B), to help him beat Cherie. Will Cherie’s devotion be enough to save her beloved library?

A film about how libraries are awesome and big developers are jerk, starring a Spice Girl! How could this be a movie and not one of those mystery books with magical cats I read that always star librarians? (I actually do read them!) Nice to see one pop up on tv, mutated into a Christmas film thanks to the injection of a Mr. Potter character.

Kristin’s Christmas Past” – Saturday, November 23, at 8.7c
Estranged from her family, Kristin (SHIRI APPLEBY) falls asleep alone on Christmas Eve only to wake up and discover it’s Christmas morning 1996 and she has to relive the worst Christmas of her life! But this time, Kristin decides to do things differently to change not only her imperfect past, but also her less- than-perfect future. ‘80s icon and Golden Globe nominee JUDD NELSON returns to the screen alongside Disney starlet DEBBY RYAN and Revolution’s ELIZABETH MITCHELL.

Groundhog Day meets A Christmas Carol? Just imagine how sad your life must be if it has a terrible Christmas Past.

Dear Secret Santa” – Saturday, November 30, at 8.7c
After breaking up with her boyfriend, Jennifer (TATYANA ALI) moves back to the house she grew up in, bringing back memories of her recently deceased friend Jack (LAMORNE MORRIS). But after receiving a Christmas card from a secret admirer, she is stunned when she discovers the truth. JORDIN SPARKS, BILL COBBS, DELLA REESE and ERNIE HUDSON headline the star-studded cast.

Is the truth her friend isn’t dead? And that he became Santa? Uh, probably spoilers.

Christmas in the City” – Saturday, December 7, at 8.7c
After closing down her small-town family business, Wendy (ASHLEY WILLIAMS) and her six-year-old daughter Grace move to the big city where an old friend offers her a job in the toy department of Wolmans. But her excitement is short lived when the store’s new consultant, Teanna (ASHANTI), ruins the holiday spirit throughout the store by replacing Santa with a hunky male underwear model. It’s only when Grace begins to lose faith in the holiday that Wendy realizes she must bring the true meaning of Christmas back to Wolmans before it is too late.

Sex in the City, except lust is rejected in favor of jolly fat guys. Excuse me, I mean the Christmas spirit. Or something. Ashanti, why you gotta ruin Christmas???

Christmas on the Bayou” – Saturday, December 14, at 8.7c
One Tree Hill alums HILARIE BURTON and TYLER HILTON reunite in this charming love story. When successful New York marketing executive Katherine (BURTON) discovers her workaholic ways are taking a toll on her eight-year-old son, Zac, she decides to spend Christmas with him and her mother, Lilly (MARKIE POST) in her home town on the bayou. When Caleb (HILTON) tries to rekindle a childhood romance and convince her to move back home, Katherine is torn between the bright lights of the big city and the quiet, gentler rhythms of her Southern roots. Only a Christmas miracle orchestrated by Papa Noel (ED ASNER) can steer her heart to her true home. Also stars RANDY TRAVIS.

Another film about the evils of the city and a woman having a career while having a child. Luckily, Red State America is there to show her that she can have it all, if what she wants is to live with her mom and not have a career, married to some guy who wasn’t good enough 15 years ago. But I’m sure he’s quite charming. Maybe Papa Noel should stop with the paternalism and worry about actual problems in the world.

A Snow Globe Christmas” – Saturday, December 14, at 10.9c
A cynical television executive (ALICIA WITT) looks at the perfect world inside a snow globe and rants about how the Christmas movies she produces fall short of real life. Upset, she tries to smash the globe in to pieces, but instead, ends up knocking herself in the head. She wakes up in a perfect snow-covered town, married to her ex, Ted (DONALD FAISON), with two kids. Trying desperately to return to her old life, she slowly realizes the importance of family and begins to find happiness. Also stars CHRISTINA MILIAN and TREVOR DONOVAN.

One thing that always makes me wonder about these fantasy movies where in alternate futures they have kids, is if they return to the real reality, are the kids MURDERED??? Poor kids, you have no soul because you live in a pocket universe that doesn’t exist! Let’s hope these kids don’t get eradicated from existence. But shoutout to Lifetime for an interracial marriage in a movie!

After all that Christmas Cheer, you will be well prepared for the child abuse incest tale Flowers in the Attic, coming to Lifetime January 18th! Merry Christmas!

Based on V.C. Andrews’ controversial book that quickly became a cult classic, the Lifetime Original Movie “Flowers in the Attic” weaves the twisted story of the Dollanganger kids who, after the unexpected death of their father, are convinced by their mother Corrine (Heather Graham) to stay hidden in the attic of their wealthy grandparents’ mansion so she can reclaim the family fortune. But as her visits begin to wane after she becomes involved with a new husband (Dylan Bruce), the children endure unimaginable treatment at the hands of their ruthless grandmother Olivia Foxworth (Ellen Burstyn). As years go by and the eldest children Cathy (Kiernan Shipka) and Christopher (Mason Dye) come of age, both emotionally and physically, their family’s sordid past entraps them further as they look to each other for comfort.

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