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Life of Whoopie Pie Cookie Monster

Sesame Street presents Life of Whoopie Pie

Sesame Street reveals their latest entry in their movie parody line, with a take on Life of Pi called Life of Whoopie Pie

Whoopie Pie and Cookie Monster are stranded in the middle of the ocean, but luckily they have a boat made of chocolate chip cookies they can try to row back to land in…a boat made of chocolate chip cookies?! Can Cookie Monster control himself and not eat the boat? Find out in Life of Whoopie Pie.

Yes, it is a tale of learning about controlling yourself. Something Cookie Monster obviously needs lessons in, even if he isn’t trapped in the ocean on a boat made out of cookies. The lessons learned will teach your children to not eat their own boats when they are trapped at sea, something that just might save their lives someday!

In other news, I really want a bunch of cookies! Good thing I can control myself (because nowhere nearby is selling cookies…)

Cookie Monster Life of Whoopie Pie

Apocalypse Pompeii – Asylum decides to destroy Pompeii their way!

One of the biggest destruction porn spectacles of 2014 will be Pompeii. And while Pompeii looks like boring garbage, disaster movies play well on the DTV market. Enter Asylum, and their mockbusters Apocalypse Pompeii!

Apocalypse Pompeii (aka Obsidian) might be one of those interesting Asylum films that’s better than the film it is biting off. But the truth won’t be known until next month, as the DVD/BluRay drops February 18th.

The plot:

When a former Special Ops commando visits Pompeii, his wife and daughter are trapped as Mt. Vesuvius erupts with massive force. While his family fights to survive the deadly onslaught of heat and lava, he enlists his former teammates in a daring operation beneath the ruins of the city of Pompeii.

Special forces team vs. Volcano! Adrian Paul stars along with John Rhys-Davies. It’s directed by Ben Demaree, who has done camera/director of photography work on a ton of genre films (Jersey Shore Shark Attack, Bigfoot, something called Wolf Man vs Piranha Man: Howl of the Piranha that I never knew existed and now need to track down), this is his first full length directorial job.

But if you like seeing stuff get blowed up, people get lavaed, and special forces people running around while shouting “Move move move!”, then Apocalypse Pompeii should fill your needs nicely!

Asylum link

Apocalypse Pompeii

Airplane vs Volcano brings the battle we've all been waiting for!

Airplane vs Volcano

Just when you thought disaster movies couldn’t be wacky enough, now they’ve gone to fight mode! Airplane vs. Volcano is not a weird double feature of unrelated films, but instead the new Asylum films where a plane is trapped by a bunch of volcanoes. Because that happens. Don’t laugh, or you will be the one trapped on a plane surrounded by volcanoes!

At least they aren’t surrounded by Sharknadoes!

When a commercial airliner is trapped within a ring of erupting volcanoes, the passengers and crew must find a way to survive – without landing.

Never fear, Dean Cain himself is there to save the day! Also Robin Givens, who is the fiercest volcano battler the world has ever seen! No trailer I could find as of yet, but there is still time!

James and Jon Kondelik wrote and direct. This is their first co-directing film, but both have been involved in numerous Asylum productions from editing to writing to casting.

Airplane vs. Volcano hits DVD/VOD May 27, 2014, and might even see a limited theatrical run on March 28!

Maybe next time Airplane will fight Mecha-Volcano!

Asylum link

Asylum breaks out the Jailbait

Jailbait Asylum

Asylum is back again, with their own take on the women in prison genre. Based on the graphic novel 17 & Life: Jailbait, Jailbait features a young girl thrown behind bars and forced to deal with practically every exploitation film’s vision of a women’s prison. Of course, they’re comparing it to Orange in the New Black, because never waste an opportunity to cross-promote!

After killing her stepfather in self-defense, Anna Nix is sent to a juvenile detention center. As she struggles to survive in a world of girl gangs and predatory guards, Anna must fight her dark side and stay above the fray.

Here is the slightly NSFW trailer – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WR-ouRYzlm8

Jailbait stars Sara Malakul Lane (Sharktopus), Steve Hanks, Shannon Walters, David Brite, Samantha Cardona, and Erin O’Brien. It’s directed by Jared Cohn (Atlantic Rim, 12/12/12)

Jailbait releases February 18, 2014

Asylum link
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Viva Riva

Viva Riva!

Viva Riva!

Viva Riva
2010
Written and directed by Djo Munga (as Djo Tunda Wa Munga)
Viva Riva
The chaotic urban life of Kinshasa, the largest city in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, is the setting as rival factions battle over a cache of stolen fuel. Viva Riva! is a great film, among the best I’ve seen in African cinema. While the stereotypes for African films are weird Nigerian/Ghanaian films involving witchcraft, there is a diverse blend of film being produced that deserves a wider audience, and more funding to produce even higher quality cinema.

Gasoline thief Riva returns to Kinshasa with a truck full of pilfered fuel in the midst of the biggest gas shortage in ages. This basically means he gets a huge stack of cash – and the promise of much more, as his fencer is holding off selling the gas until the price goes up even higher! The large amount of American hundred dollar bills gives Riva access to a fast life that most of poor Kinshasa can only dream of. Riva likes the parties and money and being flashy, it is not in his nature to live in the shadows, but to be large.
Viva Riva
Riva’s excess and extravaganza lures past associates to his side. His friend J.M. had settled down from his criminal past, having a family. But Riva’s return means J.M. is now going out all night, drinking and whoring it up. Riva sets his sights on a red headed beauty, Nora, who happens to be the kept girl of the local big criminal thug Azor. Despite the dangers, Riva continually pops up to hit on Nora. His success is due in part to Azor’s own failure, though Nora is far more complicated than just a prize to be fought for. But Nora and Azor are the least of Riva’s troubles, as he is being pursued by a violent and relentless opponent named César.

Viva Riva! excels by having a villain who is thoroughly ruthless, destroying anyone who stands between him and his goal, the gasoline that Riva stole from him. César dresses in all white, wears a fancy hat and wire-rimmed glasses, and speaks calmly, looking the part of an upper class intellectual. Despite the appearances, César is an efficient and brutal boss, quick to order torture and deaths to get to his gas. César manipulates and bribes his way through officials, forcing a female militia commander to help him by holding her sister hostage, and gunning down government officials who detain him over immigration reasons. A cunning and sadistic mastermind helps create a memorable foe.
Viva Riva

Riva (Patsha Bay as Patsha Bay Mukuna) – Riva used to work for César, but has struck out on his own in a very big way. Riva is in a self-destructive spiral while on the cusp of becoming very very rich thanks to a shipment of gasoline he stole. Riva likes parties and money and being flashy, and of course he has a tragic past which has resulted in his living for the now attitude. You can’t run from your past forever.
Nora (Manie Malone) – A kept woman of the local bad dude Azor, which is a pattern she’s followed since her school days. Riva sets out to make her his despite the ridiculous danger of courting the woman of the local bad dude. Unlike most of the other characters, she came from a relatively stable home, but still managed a fall from grace.
César (Hoji Fortuna) – A well-dressed man from Angola, who is in Congo searching for Riva and the shipment of gasoline he stole from him. Is not the kind of guy you cross without horrific consequences for you and everyone in the path between him and you.
La Commandante (Marlene Longange) – Marlene Longange’s female commander (she’s just called La Commandante without an actual name) is roped in to help César due to him holding her sister hostage. Through this, she ends up becoming a wanted fugitive and her life is ruined.
J.M. (Alex Herabo) – Riva’s old friend who was living the family life before Riva blew back into his life, J.M. all to eager to return to the fast lane of drugs and prostitutes and crime.

Viva Riva

Kite – What in the ever loving…?

Kite India Eisley

Kite is a live-action adaptation of the anime Kite, which had a dubbed American release with a lot of things edited out, but the uncensored version features lots of graphic underage nudity/rape and violence. That alone should throw up a bunch of red flags, but put your flags away for a moment because they released a trailer and preview (featuring several scenes) that make the American version look like a gigantic fiasco.

Kite is about a young girl whose parents are murdered, and she’s turned into an assassin by corrupt cops to take down other bad people, and to get revenge on who murdered her parents. Of course there are other teenage assassins running around, and almost every character is played by a white person but keeps their Japanese name. Except Sam Jackson’s character, who gets a name change.

It looks like they copied scenes almost exactly, leading to weird things like the over acting old lady and lots of funky anime hair colors. I’m sure someone saw Hit-Girl in Kick-Ass and decided that a whole movie on the concept would be golden.

But it is terrible! Don’t take my word for it, they threw up almost ten minutes of the film for you to make your own decisions. It’s called freedom of choice!

Cast:
Samuel L. Jackson as Karl Aker
India Eisley as Sawa
Callan McAuliffe as Oburi
Russel Savadier as Old Boy
Jaco Muller as Kratsov
Liam J. Stratton as Sawa’s Father
Keci Eatock as Young Sawa

Kite is directed by South African director Ralph Ziman of Gangster’s Paradise: Jerusalema fame. I hope he has another project lined up already.