Bikini Royale

2008
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Bikini Royale is a sequel to The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I., which I haven’t seen, but that isn’t necessary to follow the plot here. As you have probably guessed, this is a riff on spy films such as James Bond. Riffing on Bond seems to be just as profitable as doing the actual Bond films, and there continues to be Bond sendups created year after year.

This is a Fred Olen Ray softcore bikini erotic parody, so it gives you what you expect for an entry in that genre: sex scenes, humor, general entertainment, familiar actors, familiar songs during the sex, and familiar locations. Previous TarsTarkas.NET reviews of Fred Olen Ray Bikini films include: Bewitched Housewives, Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, and Bikini Airways.

Tanya X (Beverly Lynne) – Secret Agent Tanya X is the best agent in B.I.K.I.N.I.. And also the hottest. And possibly the only agent, because she’s the only one we ever see. She gets her man and gets it on, often with said man, other men, and other women. No word on if Tanya X is the daughter of Malcolm X. Corrine (Nicole Sheridan) – Evil mistress of Parker Savage who works for Dr. Nyet and distrusts interior designers. Ruthless and efficient. Has a fondness for black bodysuits. Parker Savage (Evan Stone) – Parker Savage heads Parker Savage Industries, and is very successful despite being very clueless. His brother is a doctor. Sophie (Christine Nguyen) – Sophie is a professional poker player and card counter brought in by Mark Tenn to assist with learning how to lose effectively at poker. She ends up losing her clothes and getting involved in a threesome, because that’s what happens in these movies. Mark Tenn (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – CIA agent and former partner of Tanya X in her previous outing. Mark Tenn and her have an adversarial relationship despite their numerous onscreen couplings. Mark Tenn has x-ray contacts, but they still don’t make him look any better in lipstick. Dr. Nyet (Monique Parent) – Dr. Nyet died in the last film, except she didn’t and we explain that later. She is evil and behind the whole plot to sell missile plans or something. And she has lesbian sex. That’s far more important than the plot. Mr. Whately (Ted Monte) – Head of B.I.K.I.N.I. and a quintuple agent, or something. Photo Lady (Syren) – Target of Tanya X’s spying, the Photo Lady assumes it has something to do with her impending divorce and fails to realize her stolen microchip is the real target. Likes showers, photography, and sealing things. Tang (Charlie Laine) – Dr. Nyet’s assistant who gets some physical rewards for her activities. Has visited the moon with the astronauts. Newton (Ted Newsom) – Newton is the Q of B.I.K.I.N.I. and provides all the fun gadgets. For some reason Tanya X and Newton don’t seem to like each other much, but isn’t explained, maybe in the previous film.

The James Bondish credits are complete with a naked girl with fire effects. The girl is probably adult entertainer Jassie (but I am not 100% positive) who is in a few other Bikini films.

In Lisbon, Syren is in the shower (it is the same shower in Voodoo Dollz) and pictures are being snapped of her by Tanya X. After the shower show, Tanya X is caught by Syren, who thinks her husband put her up to it to get evidence that she is cheating on him. So Syren will take photos of Tanya instead, as blackmail to keep her from squealing on her.

Photoshoot time as Tanya gets naked! They seal the deal with a kiss. A lesbian sex kiss. Which means they have lesbian sex, as you probably expected them to do. After Syren is all sexed out and asleep, Tanya grabs a microchip that was hidden in the room and sneaks off.

Tanya X returns to B.I.K.I.N.I. – Bureau of International Knowledge and Intelligence and Nonstandard Investigations. She reports to her boss Mr. Whately, who puts her on new assignment. Parker Savage Industries is involved in a plot to sell atomic weapons plans. But they don’t know if Parker Savage himself is involved or is a sap. Parker Savage hosts a poker game and enemy agents play in the game all the time. Tanya X is sent to meet Parker Savage as an interior decorator, but first must get spy equipment from Newton

Newton gives her bugging equipment and other stuff, then heads to the house, (the house was in Tarzeena and probably other movies) but Parker Savage isn’t back yet, Corrine lets her in, tells her not to touch anything, then leaves. She leaves a stranger in the home? That’s crazy! She snoops around and plants some bugs, but Parker Savage interrupts as she is looking under the bed. Luckily, getting it on will stave off any suspicion.

After the interior decorating sex, Tanya tells him she needs to see the house with more people in it to give her better remodeling ideas, so he invites her to the next poker party on Saturday. Tanya and Corrine HATE each other, and have some petty girl sniping at each other when Corrine returns. Corrine calls Dr. Nyet for a status update. In the poker game, Corrine will lose $1 million to the contact, which is the payment.

Tanya’s plan for the poker game will be to lose lots of money to confuse the buyer! She is going to practice her poker face, and I will not make a Lady Gaga reference….crap, I just did! Dr. Nyet and her assistant Tang explain part of the plot, then have some lesbian sex. Mmmmm….lesbian sex.

Tanya finds out she has to work with CIA agent Mark Tenn, who she seems to have an adversarial relationship with. Because he was in the last film, and they probably had sex then. I am assuming. It is a logical assumption. Mark Tenn has also brought in Sophie the card shark who will train them how to win and how to lose. How to know when to hold them and to know when to fold them. How to know when to walk away and know when to run. They have no chips, so they play strip poker to practice instead… Soon the girls are wearing their birthday suits.

The next bet results in a threesome, but who didn’t see that one coming? (No, you don’t see anyone coming because this is softcore porn!) The only thing better than a threesome is an all-lesbian threesome, but not this time.

Corinne suspects a double-cross, so she sets up an ambush against Mr. Whately, who she guns down. Mr. Whately finds out before he dies that Dr. Nyet didn’t die in the previous movie, it was her sister Faye Wong. Later, Corrine and Parker get it on back at their place. Because the plot demanded it!

Time for Tanya X and her team to head to the party. Things don’t go according to plan as they get put up at gunpoint by Corrine. Before Corrine kills all of them (including Parker), she is held up by a not-dead Mr. Whately. Corrine runs, but is arrested outside, so we are told. They also found the missile plans on one of the other players detained earlier and off-screen. Amazing how everything got wrapped up in the last few seconds! Hooray!

Except an effect of Dr. Nyet says she ain’t done doing bad stuff.

And somewhere in the darkness, Bikini Royale, she broke even. But with their final scene I found an ace that I could keep.

A pretty solid entry with some good lines, good scenes, and decent plot that followed a recent spy movie you may have heard of. Spy Hard! Oh, wait, it didn’t follow Spy Hard’s plot at all! Despite that fault, everything else comes together nicely. And never count your money while you’re sittin’ at the table.

Rated 8/10 (Gun, sneaky pic, carpet samples to munch, giraffe that has appeared in several Bikini films, Poker face, broadcasting, Heavy End, I agree!)

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