Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes

2007
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

We got x-ray specs that work (unlike those ripoffs in the back of comic books when we were kids) as the basis of another entry into Fred Olen Ray’s Bikini films. The rest of the film falls into a secret agent category that is also visited in Bikini movies The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I. and Bikini Royale. I guess spies and bikinis go hand and hand. The title refers to the film The Man with the X-Ray Eyes, and Fred Olen Ray has also directed The Kid with X-ray Eyes starring Justin Berfield.

We remember late night Cinemax fun time as kids, a tradition still alive even with many Cinemax channels to chose from. Kids these days are too spoiled with their 15 Cinemaxes upping the odds of seeing boobs before 3am. Plus, they have the Internet for instant access. Still, movies like this have their charm, and the best thing is, they are entertaining. Too bad so many other films don’t meet that one little requirement of entertainment. For shame.

Let’s get down and dirty, shall we?

Taffy (Nicole Sheridan) – A stripper with a heart of gold and a brain the size of a walnut. Luckily, she has her man Eddie to watch out for her. Accidentally winds up with the x-ray glasses, which gets her tangled in the middle of spies, creepy dudes, Las Vegas, threesomes, and sinister vixens. Nicole Sheridan has been seen here in Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Super Ninja Doll and Tarzeena. Agent Richardson (Brad Bartram) – A secret government agent who procures the x-ray glasses, only to lose them by accident. He spends the rest of the film making up for his mistake. Brad Bartram was seen here in Ghost in a Teeny Bikini and Bikini Airways. Eddie (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – Eddie is Taffy’s man, and the brains behind the partnership. Is also known to dress as wealthy Middle Eastern men with ridiculous accents. A fan of Vegas. Voodoo’s hair seems to changer every movie, but this one is the most ridiculous so far, with a highlighted fauxhawk or something. I am waiting for him to show up in a complete Mr. T do. He has been seen here in Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Super Ninja Doll and Tarzeena. Mao Myx (Shannon Kelly) – Mao Myx is the evil mastermind who conspires to steal the x-ray glasses to sell to the highest bidder. To keep from losing out on Ebay fees, she just brokers the deals herself. Shannon Kelly is not the world’s best actress, but looks to be having fun when she is saying the evil dialogue. One of her adult film titles is Oh No! There’s a Negro in My Mom!, which the title alone justifies listing here. Largo (Evan Stone) – Evan Stone is once again in a goofy costume, this time with goggles and mismatched gloved. He actually looks pretty darn creepy, but luckily sheds some of the creepy gear when he is getting it on, because otherwise the film would veer into scary German porn territory. And no one wants that. There should be a movie where Evan Stone plays all the weird characters he has played in the Bikini films, but such a film would be so crazily awesome the universe would implode. Kelly (Christine Nguyen) – A blackjack dealer met in Vegas. What goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas. What goes in Kelly leaves and enters Kelly rapidly because they are body parts of Taffy and Eddie. Christine Nguyen was seen here in Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Super Ninja Doll and Tarzeena, and will be seen again soon! Natasha Rubikoff (Demi Delia) – Russian agent who delivered the x-ray glasses to Agent Richardson, and was thus imprisoned in Mao Myx’s basement dungeon. Aides in the escape, then skedaddles. Demi Delia is also an adult actress. Massage Girl (Daisy Marie) – When you are an evil mastermind chick, it is tense, so you need to relax. And there is no better way to relax than a massage followed by lesbian sex. Enter the Massage Girl. You are probably not surprised to learn that Daisy Marie is yet another adult actress.

The opening credits can only be described as Science-psychedelic, this was the view of the guy who invented LSD about three seconds after the discovery.

In England, Agent Richardson is negotiating with Agent Natasha Rubikoff about an important item. Negotiating naked with his wangdoodle inside her hoo-hoo dilly! Because they are having sex. Spy sex. James bond style. That’s where he shakes her. Or something.

After the “information” exchange, he gives her a huge stack of bills, and gets a tiny suitcase in return. This contains a very important item. The Sex-Ray Eyes! Actually, just x-ray goggles that look like fancy UV-visor sunglasses with glowing lights. Agent Richardson takes to his boss in DC – Mr. Thompson (played by Don Donaldson), who orders it taken to a lab. Outside the building, Richardson bumps into Taffy, who has like ten bags of various sizes on her…including a tiny suitcase identical to the one with the x-ray specs. The Linus and Lucy song is playing again! (see Bikini Airways.)

Of course we have a bag mix-up. Otherwise we would have no film! At least she didn’t inherit the x-ray specs from her dead Uncle Ray X. McGlasses like so many of these Bikini films do. Taffy is at the wrong address, wrong time, wrong day, wrong city, wrong state, wrong country, wrong planet, wrong galaxy, wrong time zone, wrong side of the tracks, wrong way, and is just plain wrong. So she goes back home. Her and Eddie live in Safari Jack’s cabin, making this the third film I recognize it from. I think I’ve been watching too many of these. Eddie is there to comfort her. He discovers the goggles and finds out they see through clothes! “X-ray glasses, baby!” says Eddie. It is so exciting they have sex on the couch.

Meanwhile in a house partially on stilts, Mao Myx is upset that the x-ray glasses she was trying to get have been sold to another bidder. She is very upset. So upset she calls in Largo, who is Evan Stone in yet another ridiculous costume. She sends him to talk to Natasha Rubikoff, who is now a prisoner down in the dungeon (how convenient) to find out who she sold the glasses to.

Richardson is told he has 48 hours to set things right, while Eddie and Taffy decide to go to Vegas. Finally, Largo makes it down ot the dungeon. It must be slow walking in his giant shoes. The conversation they have doesn’t make much sense, but it ends up with them having dirty sex in a dungeon, so whatever works. Thanks to bluescreen technology, Vegas is just a single table in a basement. The dealer is…Christine Nguyen!!!! This movie just got ten times better! Taffy and Eddie win win win, and by the number of blackjacks they were pulling, they’d probably have come out ahead regardless of glasses (but they were only paying 1:1 for blackjack, hmm….)

Celebration time! Let’s party! We won fat monies and they blew up the second Death Star! Nothing says celebration like a threesome with Christine Nguyen! What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but you can make up your own sex joke to finish that sentence that applies here. The best part of this sex scene is Eddie and Christine stacking money on Taffy as she goes down on Christine.

Eddie and Taffy head back home, did you know Vegas gives out money in big sacks with dollar bills printed on them? Agent Richardson comes in with gun and gets the glasses back, but he is surprised when Largo enters with a bigger gun and takes them all hostage, and takes the glasses for the side of evil. Everyone is stuffed in the dungeon, while Mao Myx and Largo celebrate by having a little mastermind-lackey sex party.

Post-coital, Mao Myx orders that the men are to be killed and the women sold into white slavery. The four prisoners get the jump on Largo and escape. We say goodbye to Natasha Rubikoff, while Agent Richardson convinces Taffy and Eddie to help recover the glasses. Eddie will have to dress as wealthy middle eastern buyer Rahm Singh. They have plenty of time to get ready, as Mao Myx is getting a massage from the Massage Girl played by Daisy Marie. And now she is having sex with the Massage Girl played by Daisy Marie. Lesbian sex with the Massage Girl played by Daisy Marie. In case you were wondering what kind of sex she was having with the Massage Girl played by Daisy Marie. That’s lesbian sex, once again. I was unaware of scissoring’s importance in massage therapy, but now I know.

Eddie arrives dressed as Rahm Singh and Taffy is dressed as one of his harem girls (in the Genie outfit from The Erotic Dreams of Jeannie!) Mao Myx isn’t fooled, and soon has them at gunpoint. Richardson comes in to save the day, but Largo comes in to de-save the day. Soon everyone is disarmed and fighting, and the glasses are tossed around in a giant game of hot potato. Eddie is having a lot of fun during this sequence. Unfortunately, the glasses are broken during the fight. Oh, well. Let’s all be friends and head home. The glasses self destruct to nothing, because that’s what sunglasses do when they are broken.

Eddie and Taffy are given medals for their service to their country, and Taffy wears them with honor, as pasties while dancing the stripper pole! And as dollar bills are collected, we draw this movie to a close.

The camp is strong with this movie, and it sets out and does what it is supposed to do. An entertaining throwback, but not the kind of movie you and your significant other will watch for some lighthearted fun. The film flows pretty steadily, and doesn’t get too weird despite some of the goofy costumes. Just don’t try to think about things logically, because this is a skin flick about x-ray glasses and spies.

Rated 7/10 (The case, AIP, Money got back, Largo sleep now, self-destruct, You are a winner, Stack of singles)

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