Bikini Frankenstein

2010
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
Written by Sherman Scott

Bikini Frankenstein was first hinted at after the titles of Bikini Airways. But then the film never came out and people dismissed it as a joke. But, Cinemax being skinemax kept ordering new Fred Olen Ray Bikini movies, and as Ray worked his way through concept after concept, Bikini Frankenstein suddenly became viable again, and thus now exists. There isn’t a callback to Bikini Airways that I recognized, though there is an airline in the film, but a shame the airline wasn’t Janus Air, which would have been a cool callback. I’m all about inserting references into films no one will ever get. Frankie Cullen appeared in Bikini Airways, though, so that’s something.

Bikini Frankenstein was one of five Bikini films made at the same time – (the other four are Bikini Royale 2, Twilight Vamps, Housewives from Another World, and Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros) – and there is a cast shakeup from the usual Fred Olen Ray stable of actors as Cinemax wanted to shake things up a bit. Now, I know many people are disappointed we don’t have any Voodoo, Evan Stone, or Nicole Sheridan in the films, but they made tons of flicks together and there are even a few I haven’t seen yet. But at least we still got Christine Nguyen! Priorities, man! Also Ted Newsom, always a winner.

Quality-wise, It looks like these new films are shot in widescreen, though that may have happened with the last four films, but I just recorded them off of tv so I am not sure. That’s what happens when you move to a house without cable, you have to buy dvds. The audio has also improved with the new cameras, and even the sex scenes are better. Plus Retromedia revamped their logo to better fit the widescreen.

Bikini Frankenstein is based on the novel by Mary Shelley – why not? Public domain has its privileges! This review is based on the classic novel Mickey Mouse and Boy Thursday! Okay, maybe not…but at least Bikini Frankenstein isn’t fighting zombies.

There are two special songs from rockabilly/rockaghoul/surf music band The Graveyard Farmers – Formaldehyde and Gimme Some Loving, for those of you into music that is cool.

Dr. Victor Frankenstein (Frankie Cullen) – has crackpot theories! Frankie Cullen in glasses looks amazingly like David Arquette in glasses. It’s weird! Frankenstein brings the dead back to life, has sex with his assistants and students, and gets revenge on those who laughed at him by succeeding in his goals. It’s totally inspirational! Frankie Cullen was seen before on TarsTarkas.NET in Cleavagefield and was somewhere in Bikini Airways, being the only connection to the original announcement of the film I could find. Ingrid (Brandin Rackley) – Frankenstein’s assistant, but she does her best work outside the lab. Brandin Rackley was also in Cleavagefield. Eve (Jayden Cole) – It’s Bikini Frankenstein! And yet, she never wears a bikini… In any event, Eve is brought back from the dead and now lusts for human private parts. And she gets some. Lots. Too much to handle. Claudia (Christine Nguyen) – Claudia is an old acquaintance of Frankenstein’s who is now with Frankenstein’s old rival. But that doesn’t stop her from getting some action on the side. I’m going to be lazy and just link to the Christine Nguyen tag, but she’s been in a ton of films we’ve covered! Clyde (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Dr. Frankenstein’s arch-rival gets him banished, but is later embarrassed as Frankenstein proves he was right all along… Professor Van Sloane (Ted Newsom) – Biology department head at State University, who banishes Dr. Frankenstein after he catches the good doctor playing doctor with his daughter. His poor dog Pookie died and Dr. Frankenstein wanted to reanimate it. Ted Newsom is a Fred Olen Ray regular and has been seen here in Super Ninja Doll, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Bewitched Housewives, and Bikini Royale. Dr. Waldman (Ron Ford) – A fellow member of the faculty at State University who gets invited to the big unveiling of Bikini Frankenstein. Ron Ford is a one-man cult movie making machine, he writes, directs, does special effects, camera work, drives people around, and will even show up with a goofy mustache. Debbie (Alexis Texas) – Professor Van Sloane’s sweet daughter is Dr. Frankenstein’s student. Who he has sex with. Alexis Texas has been slimed more than Bill Murray in Ghostbusters in such fine films as Bubble Butt Babysitters, Destination Tonsils 2, Rain Coater’s Point of View 6, and Buttwoman vs. Slutwoman.

At State University, Professor Frankenstein is teaching a class on biology. A class with only one student, as all the rest have left early. Said student is Debbie, who is crushing on teacher. I guess he blinded her with science. And she’s blinding him with lust as the two quickly proceed to get it on, illicit sex in the middle of a classroom style. Alexis Texas is pretty fine, and she’s a talker, but you better enjoy her now as this is her only scene, then it’s off to Google Image Search for you! But only after you finish reading the review.

In walks Frankenstein’s rival Clyde, who quickly grabs Professor Van Sloane, the department head. Funny that, as Van Sloane’s daughter is Debbie, and she was just giving head a few minutes ago. Banging the daughter of your boss is enough to get you fired and sent home to Transylvania! That’s why you don’t have sex with your boss’s daughter until you have tenure…

Five years later…

Dr. Frankenstein is again having sex with a young blonde lady! This guy collects blonde sexpots like baseball cards. And while I used to collect baseball cards, at least they are worth some money now. Or they were, before all those athletes turned out to be all juiced up on ‘roids. Maybe I should have been collecting blondes as a lad, but how am I supposed to store them in a shoebox under my bed?

This blonde is Ingrid, Dr. Frankenstein’s new lab assistant, who has been assisting for quite some time, yet actually hasn’t made it to the lab. Nice headboard.

But there’s a storm outside, so Dr. Frankenstein must go back to the lab to try to awaken the dead body has stashed their, the dead body of a young lady. Ignore the fact the dead body is breathing, because it’s time to bring her to life!

A nice gag is that there is a lever almost accidentally pulled that would have blown up the entire building. Many crazy mad scientists in movies had such devices, most notably the lab in The Atomic Brain/Monstrosity featured on MST3K.

Eve is the Frankenlady (another good nod to the original book, where the creature was named Adam), who wears a collar that will also control her mind, but first the electrodes are connected there. She’s zapped up with lightning, making her flop around like a fish…a fish struck by lighting! That last joke was written by Halle Berry as Storm.

But the experiment is a failure and she isn’t alive. Dr. Frankenstein goes to whine away the pain, while Ingrid starts to clean up…but Eve IS alive! And soon some cleaning is done…carpet cleaning! AKA lesbian sex, Frankenstein style!

Yes, the ladies are slapping their vaginas together like seal flippers clapping at Sea World. But if a real seal shows up during this scene, I’m skipping to the next chapter! When Eve is excited she starts shooting electricity out, so we can truly say Bikini Frankenstein has some shocking sex scenes!

Afterwards, Ingrid takes her to show Frankenstein he finally succeeded. Dr. Frankenstein tests Eve’s reflexes, showing her to be pretty strong. He then wants Ingrid to go clean her up…so shower scene! More lesbian action, and this house in Transylvania has more showers than my gym! It also doesn’t have the weird creepy guys in the gym locker room who are in the showers for hours on end. Creepy creepy dudes.

Now it’s time to go to America and prove to everyone who laughed at him that he’s right! Wow, such blind revenge. Frankenstein, buddy, haters are gonna hate, you just gotta keep on keepin’ on!

So we’ll have a dinner party, complete with Frankenstein’s old rival Clyde (who is now dressed in a snotty rich guy costume complete with ascot), old boss Professor Van Sloane, William Howard Taft (actually a dude named Dr. Waldman), and Christine Nguyen as Claudia, the one thing that’s not like the others. Claudia is dating Clyde, and I bet the local gossip rags call them “Clydia” and follow them everywhere. Stupid paparazzi! The group muses as to what the thing is Frankenstein will announce and also discuss boobie electrodes.

Frankenstein and girls arrive, as of now, Frankenstein is playing coy and passing Eve off as Ingrid’s sister. Clyde and Claudia scheme to find out the announcement ahead of time, because no one has any patience anymore, That’s what we get in this crazy, rushed, fast food world. But I’ll have some fries with that.

Frankenstein heads back to the hotel to “see if his experiment has arrived” as an excuse to leave Eve alone to see if anyone suspects anything, while Claudia manages to go along with him. Clyde gives Eve a tour of the house, a tour that ends with him touring her vagina. The best part is he takes her to his office and has sex with her there, and in the background you can see Dan Quayle’s book Standing Firm: A Vice-Presidential Memoir on one of the shelves. Why the heck I recognize the cover of that book, I don’t know. I was unaware Dan Quayle could even read! Hey, Dan Quayle, stop ruining my dirty movies!

At the hotel, Claudia explains why she goes for brains instead of brawn, and why she’s with Clyde (basically just because he’s there and Frankenstein isn’t) then they have sex, as we all knew they would. Claudia doesn’t even bother to try to find out much about the experiment.

Everyone returns to the house, and Frankenstein reveals that he reanimated Eve! He demonstrates the mind control by having her almost kill Dr. Waldman. NOOOOO!!! Who will be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court if he dies? So it’s time for a thorough examination of Eve, so Ingrid and Claudia take Eve to the bedroom to prepare her for the exam.

We all know where this is going… Before any examination by the men happens, we need a lesbian threesome examination. Exclamation! It’s a celebration, because the lesbian threesome is on! WoooOOOoo!
The four dudes can only watch as the ladies take care of each other in ways only women can.

Until Eve explodes.

Ooops! She just couldn’t handle the excitement! Oh noes! Don’t worry, A stripper died recently, so Frankenstein will steal her body and bring her back to life! Woot! The end. I guess we can expect the sequel Bikini Frankenstripper in 2017.

Stay for the credits and the bloopers mixed in with the cast shots. Stay, I tell you!

Rated 8/10 (New logo, nice headboard, snakes in a jar, the other lever, poor dog, awful vice president book, this bamboo painting will be seen again, skull for no reason!)

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