Dirty Blondes

2004
Written and directed by Francis Locke

The only thing you need to know is “Bottomless Archeology”

From Torchlight Pictures comes another softcore flick involving five minutes of plot and 80 minutes of getting it on. This time, the action concerns groups of archeologists at two dig sites and their exciting adventures of digging up some bowls the producer bought at Ross that weekend. One of the two locations of the action is the Mojave Desert, which is played by the desert location that is used in a lot of Torchlight Pictures films. Dirty Blondes even spawned a sequel that takes place in the same desert. The pair of titular Dirty Blondes are not in the desert, but are located in set piece number two, a lush rainforest. This helps break up the monotony of the bleak desert landscape. Let’s also applaud Dirty Blondes for not having any scene be set in a hotel, like most of the other Torchlight Pictures desert features.

Francis Locke breaks out another picture that has its plot on the ultra-Slim-Fast diet. The songs of Blade Simpson (if that is his real name) is used for the soundtrack, which is the same Blade Simpson CD used in practically every Torchlight film that uses him as a soundtrack. Familiar music can sometimes be comforting, such as the familiar music in the Fred Olen Ray Bikini movies or the songs in Jim Wynorski flicks.

Once again, the world of archeology is sexy. It’s the most sexy science field according to all these softcore flicks, where they’re always uncovering ancient sexy civilizations or spirits of queens or artifacts that make people want to bone. You rarely see biochemists getting it on.

Let’s get this archeological dig started, Indiana Jones style! As for the dudes in the cast, I don’t know who is who for Rafe or Scott Alexander, so I’m sadly not able to mention humorous porn titles they’ve been in. It will be a mystery for the ages.

Phillip (???) – Leader of Team Mojave and a noted archeologist. You’ve probably heard of him. The famous Phillip. Employs his sister and women he has sex with. No conflict of interest here. Jenny (Allysin Chaynes) – Team Mojave member of the archeology crew, spends most of the film either without pants or without a shirt. She’s only without both during the sex scenes, which she’s also in a lot of. Allysin Chaynes is an adult film actress who has been hammered more than a blacksmith’s hammer in such fine films as Double Penetration Virgins 8: DP Commandos, Look What I Found in the Street 5: Bus Stop Edition, and Long Dong Black Kong 1. Rex (Frank Fortuna) – Member of Team Mojave who spends most of the film having sex with his female teammate Jenny. Frank Fortuna is an adult film star who has gone deep into more trenches than James Cameron in such films as Unbelievably Blond; Panties, She Wrote; and Cream Filling 2: Refill April (Holly Hollywood) – One of the two Dirty Blondes and a lesbiarcheologist. She is part of Team Bora Bora and Phillip’s sister. The famous Phillip that you’ve heard of. Holly Hollywood is an adult film actress who also has appeared in a score of softcore adventures such as The Erotic Mis-Adventures of the Invisible Man and The Model Solution. Debbie Korvich (Jana Cova) – The other Dirty Blonde and the second lesbiarcheologist. Team Bora Bora. Has an accent. Jana Cova has had her curtains parted more times than the Fox Theater in such adult films such as Who Let the Cats Out, Lesbian Truth or Dare 1, and They Tied Me Topless. Laka (Teanna Kai) – A native girl at Bora Bora who is friends with the Dirty Blondes. Like all Bora Borans, she runs around topless, has had a boob job, and has sex with random surfer dudes. Teanna Kai is an adult film performer who has been packed more than the Cheesecake Factory on a Friday night in such films as Lettin’ Her Fingers Do The Walking, Rub The Muff 7, and Private Sports 3: Desert Foxxx. Joe Torrence (???) – Surfer Joe Torrence is all about the perfect wave and looking for his dead father’s body. Dr. Torrence is his father and the evil Dr. Drake Mordecai is Joe’s uncle.

Shadow Mountain Dig Site – Mojave Desert, CA. Archeologists find an ancient idol that unleashes a demon upon the world and only Spiderman and Batman can stop it. Oh, wait, that’s not what happens. What happens is a naked blonde archeologist chick is cooling off in the hot weather. Yeah. Archeology classes suddenly fill up at Universities across the country! She has two male companions, Rex (who is spying on her with binoculars despite the fact he is nailing her many times a day) and Phillip, who is too focused on digging up broken pottery fragments to worry about hot naked chicks. The naked chick is Jenny, and she is still naked. Phillip’s work ethic pays off, and he soon finds a bowl buried in the ground. Jenny runs over with a shirt on (and nothing else) with equipment to help out. Because you really need complicated equipment for a bowl!

Meanwhile in the Bora Bora Dig Site in French Polynesia, the two who got the best end of the funding stipend stick are lesbian archeologists Debbie Korvich and April. They find some pottery shards that match the bowl found at the first site. To celebrate, they get it on for 12 minutes. Archeology is a very rewarding field.

Back in the Mojave, Phillip is mad. Who cares why, the bad thing is Jenny is now wearing pants (boo!) but at least she now has no shirt (yay!) Phillip is mad because they are just about able to prove pre-Columbian Native Americans have been trading across the pacific for 2000 years. That would be a major discovery that would shake the world of archeology to its core, and it might even get the great Archeologist Henry Jones, Jr. to come out of retirement to give them a prize. However, their funding is gone! Guess they shouldn’t have blown it all on a nudist sex escort to accompany them on their dig…

Since they already found the stuff, why would no more funding stop them from writing a paper? And they could use the findings to apply for many more grants and probably get some easy money, maybe even enough to hire TWO girls to stand around with no pants in the desert. Never mind the fact that hanging out in the desert isn’t really that expensive. Archeologists don’t have a lot of sense. Time to call the lesbians in Tahiti. Both teams mope for a bit, then Jenny needs some sex. Her and Rex have sex and then eat Tex-mex (okay, no tex-mex, just sex for ten minutes.)

Meanwhile, a random Asian girl is wandering around the Bora Bora set, wearing just necklaces and a loin cloth. And a boob job, as all Bora Bora native girls have. She tells the lesbiarcheologists that a rich surfer looking for a perfect wave is coming. Yep. It’s Patrick Swayze from Point Break! If only he did this movie, it would have saved his life…

The lesbiarcheologists are gonna give him a peep show for the $100,000 they need for funding. “The Dirty Blondes live again!” says one, referring to when the lesbiarchologists were in college and they would give live peep shows to everyone. I’m sure none of those ended up on the internet. It also gives us the title, something many films are lacking.

In the Mojave, Jenny is actually wearing a jacket and pants! But nothing under the unzipped jacket, so the crazy nudist streak continues, as it should. In Bora Bora, the surfer shows up and immediately starts peeping in the cabin where the girls are giving him a show. What a perv! Just threaten to sue his ass for the $100,000.

Part of the song playing during this long sequence has something that sounds like wet leather getting slapped around, which sorts of makes you think the surfer guy is fapping away. Which is pretty gross. 16 minutes of this lesbian action and leather slapping!!!!

Surfer Joe Torrence doesn’t care about lesbians, all he cares about is the perfect wave. He doesn’t even care about acting school, even though he should. He doesn’t care about electronics, and the director doesn’t care about not editing in the middle of a shot so there is a jumpcut, giving away that Joe can’t learn more than one sentence at a time. Also, Joe wants to bang the native girl Laka and his dad was eaten by native peoples, so we got Freudian and White Mastery subtexts all over the place here! It’s a cornucopia of Psychology 101!

Phillip tells her who Joe Torrence’s dad is, and that he found parts of his dad’s diary in the middle of the Mojave Desert! We also find out Surfer Joe is really looking for his dad’s remains! So let’s look for more evidence dad was on Bora Bora. Let’s find Mora Mora on Bora Bora! I’m so funny!

Team Mojave digs around, and Jenny is doing the pantsless archeology thing some more. Jenny is the best character ever. Team Bora Bora’s gotta pay the village elders, but they have no money, so Laka will try something else to get Surfer Joe to loosen his purse strings. And his pants. So they sex it up for 12 minutes.

Team Mojave finds more pages of Surfer Joe’s dad’s diary (Jenny is still pantsless, and she’s the one who finds it!) Dead dad was trying to prove the same thing they were, also some other rival scientist was fighting against Dr. Torrence. Team Bora Bora finds a knife labeled “Dr. Torrence”, but Surfer Joe doesn’t believe them and wanders off. Sex sure made him mellow.

Another book mysteriously appears, it is another diary that explains the natives tried to protect Dr. Torrence, but the evil Dr. Drake Mordecai killed him anyway. How Dr. Torrence wrote about his death after he died in his diary is not addressed. Plus, anyone knows that the name Dr. Drake Mordecai is obviously a dude who is super evil.

AND Dr. Drake Mordecai is Surfer Joe’s uncle!

Surfer Joe is still not believing until Phillip mentions over the radio a necklace, the same one Surfer Joe is wearing. Surfer Joe gives them money they need.

WTF, Jenny is fully dressed? Damn, girl, someone gets money and now she’s classy!

But it’s victory sex time as Jenny and Phillip get it on (Rex is too tired to have another round) This parting shot lasts only five minutes and that’s the end of the flick.

The Dirty Blondes will return in Dirty Blondes 2: Dirty Blondes.

Rated 3/10 (book scribbles, Big B, Mario!)

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