Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite

2010
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

It’s another Fred Olen Ray Bikini softcore flick! This one is also layered in the SciFi motif as we got Twilight Vamps, which totally is not cashing in on Twilight at all. Okay, maybe some. Sort of like the ocean has some water. Vampires are big business right now, and thanks to shows like True Blood, are also big sexy business right now. So you know that the softcore genre is going to come a-knocking!

What is me on a Tuesday morning at work doing in this film?

What we got is a squad of vampire strippers who enjoy sucking men….sucking their blood! They also do the other sucking. And because making guys with lots of disposable cash show up mysteriously dead and all connected to the same nightclub doesn’t arouse any suspicion from the police in this town, the girls are free to operate as they see fit. Until one day, a down on his luck guy takes the fall for one of their dinners and fights back.

Twilight Vamps features a number of original songs during the long pole dancing segments. A group called Nimbus performs the songs All is Calm and Liar Pt. 2, while The Erotics perform Agony and Xtacy and Push Comes to Death.

Jack (Frankie Cullen) – Jack is just a nice guy who works hard and finishes last all the time. Damn stupid saying, why you gotta make Jack finish last? Jack bucks the trend with this vampire adventure and becomes a hero. Bikini Frankenstein, Bikini Airways, and Cleavagefield Tabitha (Brandin Rackley) – The head vampire woman at Shadows. She also takes a shine to Jack, though the short term pleasure leads to a long term undoing of her vampire murder/robbery empire. Brandin Rackley is also a photographer in addition to appearing in Cleavagefield and Bikini Frankenstein. She also stops by blogs written by goofballs on the internet from time to time. Angela (Christine Nguyen) – Another vampire chick from the vampire club, who sinks her fangs into Roger and makes a withdrawal. She also helps Jack while he is in jail, in exchange for him helping her. Christine Nguyen rocks our socks off in these films also reviewed on TarsTarkas.NET: Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, Bikini Royale, and Bikini Frankenstein. Louise (Beverly Lynne) – Louise is Jack’s live-in girlfriend who doesn’t spend much time at home except to ask for money. She’s to busy banging everything with a vagina. She also disappears halfway through the film. But thanks to her scenes we can add the “Lesbians” tag proudly! Beverly Lynne is a softcore megastar who has been seen on TarsTarkas.NET in such classics as Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, Bikini Royale, Super Ninja Doll Amanda (Ashley West) – A non-surgery enhanced member of the vampire harem. Amanda has sex and has lesbian sex. That’s about it for her character, except for the giant D tattoo on her back. But since she’s credited as Ashley and playing Amanda, the D doesn’t seem to make sense. I now guess it stands for “Da Vampire!” Yes, I am overthinking an actress’s tattoo in a Bikini film. That’s how we roll on TarsTarkas.NET! Roger (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Jack’s coworker who steals from the internet. He was caught because his annual budget review was really just our review of Lady Black Cat with “$5,000,000” search-and-replaced over “Connie Chan”. For shame, Roger! He gets twilight vampired to death! Tony Marino also pops up in Bikini Frankenstein. I am suspecting but not positive he is also actor Todd Senofonte. Detective Simpson (Ted Newsom) – Simpson, eh? Another of our chair moisteners from sector 7G! Detective Simpson gives Jack a hard time over Roger’s murder because it’s easier than actually doing police work. Ted Newsom has been seen before in Bikini Frankenstein, Super Ninja Doll, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Bewitched Housewives, and Bikini Royale Cartwright (Ron Ford) – Jack and Roger’s boss at work. His job is to tell people that they need to work better. Ron Ford returns from Bikini Frankenstein, this time wearing another goofy mustache! Tammy (Michelle Maylene) – Tammy is one of Louise’s lesbian pals. Michelle Maylene has handled more bones than a skeleton in over 80 films like Struggling Bare Breasted Prisoners, Stuff My Hot Pink Oven, Ruthless Restraint for Costume Captives!, and The Da Vinci Load. Kyra (Jenaveve Jolie) – Kyra is another of Louise’s lesbian pals. Jenaveve Jolie has gushed more fluids than a busted oil rig in 318 films such as She’s Ticklish Everywhere, Tales from the Gloryhole, I Like to Chloroform Girls!, and Face Invaders. Did you notice both of the real porn stars have alliterate names? Goth Dancer (Valerie K. Garcia) – She serves drinks, she dances, she is never mentioned as being a vampire. She’s also in the opening credits stills, providing the best photo! Don’t be blue…unless you’re a Smurf! Valerie K. Garcia was a slave girl in Princess of Mars, and also shows up playing the guitar in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.

It stinks!

A credit lets us know that Twilight Vamps is based on the classic poem by Edgar Allen Poe. You remember that one, right? Here it is:

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
Twilight Vamps were gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
“‘Tis some vampires,” I muttered, “having lesbian sex
Only this, and nothing more.”

Quoth the Raven, “Bikini Softcore!”

Is this a riff on movies like Roger Corman’s The Haunted Place that would declare themselves based on some Edgar Allen Poe poem without having anything the same except the title? (The Haunted Place actually being based on a Lovecraft story…) That’s my guess. And since I made the guess, it’s 100% correct, as I declare it so.

If you own a strip club, please set it in a CGI haunted house like this film, as that is much cooler than a scuzzy-looking bar like most of the ones I have seen. This strip club is called Shadows and features a center poll with perpetually the same 4 dudes on the corners of the main stage. One Asian, one white Rasta guy, and two older white guys with non-Rasta features. A black wigged Beverly Lynne dances on the pole, I think she’s playing a different character then her actual character in this film, but you can never be too certain.

We also have a sex scene going on behind the scenes in the vault that the club has (why does a strip club have a VAULT? Are those transparent stripper high heels that valuable?), with blonde dancer Amanda giving a special lap dance on some dude’s pole. This guy looks like a guy who actually starred in a real Twilight porn parody, not that I would know anything about that. He doesn’t live through this one, though, as he’s soon bitten and killed by the vampire stripper chick. She robs him after he’s dead, and then trades witty repartee with the Southern Belle Vampire Madam Tabitha.

Jack and his girlfriend Louise seem to be having relationship trouble, what with her being too tired to do anything every night despite not doing anything all day except hanging out with her girlfriends. Jack is working late all the time, so that adds extra strain. They have as much chemistry together as a high school that had to cut chemistry class due to budget cuts, so we can say this relationship is going places! Those places are in the dump. The dump on the bad side of town.

Jack gets to work and finds out from his boss Mr. Cartwright that his rival/buddy Roger got a promotion and he didn’t, despite spending way more hours at work. Mr. Cartwright tells him his work just isn’t that good. Roger invites Jack to celebrate with him at the club Shadows, but Jack is hesitant as he might finally get to have sex with his girlfriend Lousie tonight.

But Louise calls because her friend Kyra is sick and she has to spend the night over there taking care of her. It is all a ruse, as Kyra is adult film star Jenaveve Jolie and the two girls are about to go all Lesbofire Explosion. It’s Show-Lez Pizza, where a girl can be a girl! Or with a girl! From this performance they certainly earned lots of tickets to trade in for cheap prizes like spider rings or Billy Bob dolls.

Jack and Roger head to the club, now Christine Nguyen is dancing the pole while the same four dudes are there, this time several get licked. Jack and Roger get a table…Whoa, a second Asian guy extra? This now has the most Asian men ever in a softcore film made in America! Bravo to Twilight Vamps!

Tabitha joins them at their table to welcome them, and gets Angela over as soon as her set is done, but soon it is Tabitha’s turn to run the pole. Just call that pole Forrest Gump, because it gets run. As Jack is distracted, Angela gets Roger to go to the back room with her for some private time. We know what that means…he’s gonna spend $9000 for a bottle of champagne. Oh, and have sex and get sucked dry of blood.

Tabitha tells Jack that Roger is making a night of it and won’t be back, but Jack won’t go to the backroom with Tabitha because he’s in a relationship. Speaking of that relationship, Louise calls to say she isn’t coming home because Kyra is still sick, except she isn’t with Kyra, she’s with Tammy, at her home gym. And then they hit the shower. Lesbian sex in the shower style! That’s one huge shower room.

Roger never shows up for work the next day, Mr. Cartwright also checked that Roger’s work was all stolen from the internet, thus Jack is getting the promotion now. That’s why when you steal from the internet, you gotta be good at rewriting it! I mean, don’t steal from the internet, kids!

Jack’s phone rings…it’s the morgue! They call down Jack because a body had his name and phone number on it, but no ID…it’s Roger..dead via two puncture wounds to the neck. Detective Simpson grills him as to what happened.

Jack goes home only to find a note from Louise saying she’s leaving him and was a lesbian all along. And that she took all his money. Wait, so why was Louise’s character in the film? Just to add some extra lesbian sex scenes? I can live with that…

Jack hits the club..the goth waitress is dancing now…and different guys are at the pole table! Holy smokes! I guess the other four guys do have homes or jobs.

Jack goes looking for clues as to Roger’s death by first asking Angela. She says he just got bored and left, then sends Jack to go visit Tabitha’s house…at 1313 Mockingbird Lane!! We all know that address, it’s where Wrigley Field is!

Tabitha invites Jack in, then spikes his drink. And then he spikes her.

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, but Jack is over Tabitha most of the time so this doesn’t really apply, I’m not sure why I brought it up. Just ignore that sentence. He also loses his lucky rabbits foot in all the excitement.

Jack wakes up at work hung over, then is arrested by Detective Simpson for MUUURDER! MUUURDER should always be written in capitals with extra U’s for spooky effect, don’t you know? This is a horror film, after all!

In jail, Jack tries to convince Detective Simpson that the girls are vampires. He’s not buying it, because they never sucked out all his blood. The second Detective Simpson leaves, vampire Angela teleports in to tell Jack she’s helping him escape on condition he leaves town and doesn’t come back. And also that he bangs her so she can see why Tabitha likes him so much. This sex scene makes the stake/sex pun which is why we aren’t doing it in this review. Instead, we’ll drop some True Blood references and say Jack gets his fangbang on. They certainly makes the jailhouse rock.

Jack wakes up and is free to go, as DNA on the body isn’t his. And his bail was paid by a woman. Why does he need bail if he’s been cleared…nevermind. Jack goes home to look up ways to kill vampires, does the stake/steak joke, then gets some holy water. Amazingly, they don’t do a holey/holy joke. Luckily, Jack has some expired holy water in the wine cabinet. Don’t laugh, it makes a mean Whiskey Sour.

Jack stops by the vampire house, retrieves his missing lucky rabbits foot, and stumbles across Tabitha and Amanda having lesbian vampire sex. Did you know that lesbian vampire babes like to have sex in numerous positions? It’s true! Now you have a topic of conversation if you ever share an elevator with a lesbian vampire couple. Luckily, the sex is to attention-consuming they don’t notice the guy obviously standing in the doorway the whole time.

I hope these girls don’t run with those scissors.

Oh, they do finally notice Jack, who says he just stopped by to say thanks, so they get a three-way Thanksgiving session, doing things that if the Pilgrims did them they would have like 4000 scarlet letters sewed onto their clothes. This sequence gets the Retromedia theme music that’s the sex theme song I’ve come to associate with Retromedia softcore flicks. I look for it in every film, and it is in most of them.

After the sex, Jack is asleep, but apparently he found time to put on his pants and a belt. The vampire girls are also dressed again, and attempt to snack on his blood. He awakens in time to run and get his holy water, but now he has three vampire girls to deal with as Angela is there as well. But a few splashes of water later and all three girls have disintegrated into nothing. If a priest blessed a cloud we could totally destroy every vampire when it rains! Luckily, I became a Reverend on the internet and will soon be blessing clouds in a town near you. I’ll start at this awful place called Forks…

Hey, if a rapper got his money blessed by a priest then proceeded to “make it rain” in the club by throwing his money all around, would that kill any vampires in the club? Food for thought…

When Jack leaves, he leaves his rabbits foot behind, which then beams away. Magic? Or was this whole story part of a sadistic plot via alien overlords hidden in lucky rabbits feet? At last, a movie that exposes the shocking truth about the alien masters who live in animal appendages and pull the hidden strings of society. MJ-12, MK-ULTRA, the CIA, reverse vampires, the Illuminati…all puppets. PUPPETS!

Rated 9/10 (Beverly incognito, couch surfer, pole sitter, Gahzet, why is there a disco ball at the strip club?, Ryan Seacrest???, flowers of Dear John, The overlords’ evil tool, beaming in)

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