Sex and Zen 3D star Vonnie Lui Hoi-Yan loses iPhone, naughty pics therein…

Although news reports are claiming these photos are circulating around the net, I have found no evidence of that. Newspapers are also trying to whip up hysteria like it is Edison Chen part 2, but even if she did have explicit pictures on the phone of her with other guys, they are most likely businessmen and not famous actors. That’s assuming this isn’t just a giant publicity stunt for 3D Sex & Zen: Extreme Ecstasy or whatever the title is this week. Which it probably is. Damn, suckered in again…

Have you seen my phone? Also my shirt? I'm so forgetful!

Busty Hong Kong porn star Vonnie Lui Hoi-Yan claims she has lost her iPhone 4 and about 100 explicit photos that were in it, all of which are being forwarded around the world on the Internet, according to Sohu and Apple Daily.

The Girl From Chicago (Review)

The Girl From Chicago


1932
Written and directed by Oscar Micheaux

Oscar Micheaux was one of the greatest film directors who ever lived. And I don’t make that statement lightly. His films might not be the greatest films ever made (okay, many of them are terrible!), but for what he accomplished, and for so long, and at what time he did it, Micheaux deserves recognition. Micheaux was an outstanding businessman, had he been born fifty years later he’d be one of the richest men in the country powered solely by his own awesome business skills. As it is, he did amazingly well considering he was a self-made man through and through who did almost every aspect of his movies by himself. For an independent operator to survive for as long as Micheaux did cranking out films and getting funding for the next round is a miracle most filmmakers with far fewer obstacles cannot accomplish nowadays.

First, some history lessons. All-black films were known as “Race films” or “Colored pictures”, usually played in segregated all-black theaters, or all-black showings of films (usually matinees or midnight shows – and, yes, there would be whites that showed up for this shows, many eager to see the black nightclub sequences!) Most of the films were outside of the studio system, done with ultra-low budgets, and many films no longer survive.

Some parts of Micheaux’s early biography is guesses, speculation, and even legend. So don’t be all angry if dates don’t seem exact. Oscar Micheaux was born the son of two freed slaves near either Murphysboro or Metropolis, Illinois, in 1884, the fifth of 13 (or 11) children. The exact pronunciation of Micheaux’s name is up for debate, as was the spelling for the first few decades of Micheaux’s life before he settled on Micheaux. He also spent time growing up in in Great Bend, Kansas, where he was eventually buried. Around age 16, Micheaux moved to Chicago with an older brother to find work. After getting ripped off by an employment agency, Micheaux vowed to become his own boss so that wouldn’t happen again. He then set up his own shoe shine business in a white suburb – thus avoiding competition from all the bootblacks downtown. He learned much about the business world and how to save money during that period.


After spending time doing farmwork and then porter work on a Pullman car, Micheaux at age 24 went west, young man, to South Dakota and an all-white farm community of Dallas. All-white except Oscar Micheaux, that is! Micheaux’s business sense increased his acreage to over 500 acres he had enough time to write his first novel (of seven known and possibly as many as 10 or more), dubbed The Conquest: The Story of a Negro Homesteader. As you may have guessed, the story is pretty much the story of Oscar’s life, the main character is even named Oscar Devereaux. Micheaux’s next two novels wereThe Forged Note (1915) and The Homesteader (1917) – Micheaux’s most famous novel. In it, Oscar Devereaux leaves the Scottish lass that is the love of his life because she isn’t black and moves to the midwest as a farmer to find his fortune. He married the daughter of a preacher but ends up getting framed for their murder. His Scottish love hires private investigators to prove his innocence, and also conveniently finds out she has a very distant black relative and therefore can marry the hero without either of them shaming their race. Definitely a product of the time, and except for the magic one-drop rule cop out at the end, it probably takes a lot from Micheaux’s real life as well. Micheaux sold copies by going door to door selling copies to the farmers in the all white community. Micheaux would go on publicity tours after each book was finished, throughout the bible belt, met with local community leaders, lectured at schools and churches. He became well known both among blacks and rural white farmers.

His last four novels were written in the 1940’s: The Wind from Nowhere (1941), The Case of Mrs. Wingate (1944), The Story of Dorothy Stanfield (1946), and Masquerade, a Historical Novel (1947)

Return of the Moonwalker

Good Lord, what the heck is this? Zombie Michael Jackson may be a viable plot, but when gay sex dwarfs and awful awful awful pot jokes enter the equation, things go from bad to garbage bin. Think Return of the Moonwalker looks bad? You are not alone. This movie will not be a thriller, but something that will make audiences beat it to another venue. These smooth criminals forgot the ABCs of good movie making. Remember the time movies were good, like Ben? Billy Jean Black or White Man in the Mirror Scream.

Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite (Review)

Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite


2010
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

It’s another Fred Olen Ray Bikini softcore flick! This one is also layered in the SciFi motif as we got Twilight Vamps, which totally is not cashing in on Twilight at all. Okay, maybe some. Sort of like the ocean has some water. Vampires are big business right now, and thanks to shows like True Blood, are also big sexy business right now. So you know that the softcore genre is going to come a-knocking!

What is me on a Tuesday morning at work doing in this film?

What we got is a squad of vampire strippers who enjoy sucking men….sucking their blood! They also do the other sucking. And because making guys with lots of disposable cash show up mysteriously dead and all connected to the same nightclub doesn’t arouse any suspicion from the police in this town, the girls are free to operate as they see fit. Until one day, a down on his luck guy takes the fall for one of their dinners and fights back.

Twilight Vamps features a number of original songs during the long pole dancing segments. A group called Nimbus performs the songs All is Calm and Liar Pt. 2, while The Erotics perform Agony and Xtacy and Push Comes to Death.

Jack (Frankie Cullen) – Jack is just a nice guy who works hard and finishes last all the time. Damn stupid saying, why you gotta make Jack finish last? Jack bucks the trend with this vampire adventure and becomes a hero. Bikini Frankenstein, Bikini Airways, and Cleavagefield
Tabitha (Brandin Rackley) – The head vampire woman at Shadows. She also takes a shine to Jack, though the short term pleasure leads to a long term undoing of her vampire murder/robbery empire. Brandin Rackley is also a photographer in addition to appearing in Cleavagefield and Bikini Frankenstein. She also stops by blogs written by goofballs on the internet from time to time.
Angela (Christine Nguyen) – Another vampire chick from the vampire club, who sinks her fangs into Roger and makes a withdrawal. She also helps Jack while he is in jail, in exchange for him helping her. Christine Nguyen rocks our socks off in these films also reviewed on TarsTarkas.NET: Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, Bikini Royale, and Bikini Frankenstein.
Louise (Beverly Lynne) – Louise is Jack’s live-in girlfriend who doesn’t spend much time at home except to ask for money. She’s to busy banging everything with a vagina. She also disappears halfway through the film. But thanks to her scenes we can add the “Lesbians” tag proudly! Beverly Lynne is a softcore megastar who has been seen on TarsTarkas.NET in such classics as Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, Bikini Royale, Super Ninja Doll
Amanda (Ashley West) – A non-surgery enhanced member of the vampire harem. Amanda has sex and has lesbian sex. That’s about it for her character, except for the giant D tattoo on her back. But since she’s credited as Ashley and playing Amanda, the D doesn’t seem to make sense. I now guess it stands for “Da Vampire!” Yes, I am overthinking an actress’s tattoo in a Bikini film. That’s how we roll on TarsTarkas.NET!
Roger (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Jack’s coworker who steals from the internet. He was caught because his annual budget review was really just our review of Lady Black Cat with “$5,000,000” search-and-replaced over “Connie Chan”. For shame, Roger! He gets twilight vampired to death! Tony Marino also pops up in Bikini Frankenstein. I am suspecting but not positive he is also actor Todd Senofonte.
Detective Simpson (Ted Newsom) – Simpson, eh? Another of our chair moisteners from sector 7G! Detective Simpson gives Jack a hard time over Roger’s murder because it’s easier than actually doing police work. Ted Newsom has been seen before in Bikini Frankenstein, Super Ninja Doll, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Bewitched Housewives, and Bikini Royale
Cartwright (Ron Ford) – Jack and Roger’s boss at work. His job is to tell people that they need to work better. Ron Ford returns from Bikini Frankenstein, this time wearing another goofy mustache!
Tammy (Michelle Maylene) – Tammy is one of Louise’s lesbian pals. Michelle Maylene has handled more bones than a skeleton in over 80 films like Struggling Bare Breasted Prisoners, Stuff My Hot Pink Oven, Ruthless Restraint for Costume Captives!, and The Da Vinci Load.
Kyra (Jenaveve Jolie) – Kyra is another of Louise’s lesbian pals. Jenaveve Jolie has gushed more fluids than a busted oil rig in 318 films such as She’s Ticklish Everywhere, Tales from the Gloryhole, I Like to Chloroform Girls!, and Face Invaders. Did you notice both of the real porn stars have alliterate names?
Goth Dancer (Valerie K. Garcia) – She serves drinks, she dances, she is never mentioned as being a vampire. She’s also in the opening credits stills, providing the best photo! Don’t be blue…unless you’re a Smurf! Valerie K. Garcia was a slave girl in Princess of Mars, and also shows up playing the guitar in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.
It stinks!
Vampire Warriors

Vampire Warriors (Review)

Vampire Warriors


2010
Written and directed by Dennis Law Sau-Yiu

Sparkle THIS!

The announcements of a film starring Jiang Luxia and Chrissie Chau as chicks who fight vampires sounded like it would be the best movie ever. The reality is a far different creature, instead being a disappointing film with a few good moments. Jiang Luxia continues to be the best part of the films she shows up in, while Chrissie Chau continues to be…hot. She also barely participates in the action sequences. The action sequences should be what the film is built upon, but the tone of the sequences shift from practical fighting to insane flying wire fu where people get thrown through every wall in China, except for the one wall you would want to see someone thrown through.

The script itself feels more like a first draft than a full script. Many characters have little motivation, and even those given reasons for why they do stuff aren’t given much else to explain how they got to where they were. More of this complaint near the end of the review. It is obvious that Twilight inspired parts of the film, what with all the moping, the vampire family, and the vegetarian vampire angle. Someone needs to write a teenage girl hopping vampire romance novel quick!

Yank him until he goes full Anime!

When you think Chinese vampire films, you think of the hopping vampires, one-eyebrowed monks, awesome retro effects, lots of goofy scenes, and spooky/gross effects shots. Which is why when one comes out that features exclusively the western style vampires it is sort of interesting. There is no vampire hopping at all in this film, though there is a guy running around in the Qing style uniforms. We got no priests, and the effects shots are entirely digital and sparse. I don’t know if the complete lack of religious figures blasting the vampires is because the film is trying to appeal to more Western audiences who would be confused, or if there is some film guidelines from Mainland China that are against that stuff showing up. I do think the latter is why there were less gross/makeup effects that used to be common in these films.

Only mean people on the internet can make Chrissie Chau sad

Besides Jiang Luxia and Chrissie Chau, there are a bunch of other models in the cast – Haley C, Annie G, Dominic, Laying, Mia C, Suki, all of these are model/lang mo names. One expects the amount of Blue Steel in this movie will keep Pittsburgh in business for a bajillion years. I’m sure other girls with normal names in the credits are also models, it’s almost as if Dennis Law was trolling for dates. We also have two alumni from the original Mr. Vampire film, who are also the only people (besides one old lady) who look over 24 in the film. So please forgive the scant biographical information on some of these girls, as there isn’t any in English. As a final note, the film toys with some lesbian undertones between the main characters, which is sort of weird, especially since this film takes place in the all-too-common Hong Kong world where everyone is attractive 22 year old models who have never had a boyfriend.

Gymkata!

Ar (Jiang Lu-Xia) – Ar is a vampire hunter who spends all night killing vampires. Ar killed vampires with her father when she was young. She is also illiterate and has no money, as killing vampires doesn’t pay well. Jiang Lu-xia is rocking some awful extensions. Did one of the 1000 models on the movie sabotage her hair? See Jiang Luxia also be awesome in Coweb and Bad Blood.
Max (Chrissie Chau Sau-Na) – Vampire Max is Ar’s best friend and is a vegetarian vampire. Max’s favorite food is corgi, and definitely not obviously stuffed rabbit or ketchup. Chrissie Chau is the queen of the new breed of models showing up in Hong Kong called lang mo. Lang mo are models who aren’t fashion models but thanks to the internet get famous via the internet, and publish picture books of themselves wearing bikinis, something that is still shocking to many people in Hong Kong. There was even a big book fair recently where the lang mos like Chrissie Chau were banned and that caused much publicity and the models just showed up anyway as visitors. Chau is in an impressive number of recent films and will probably be in many more and inspire a whole new generation of lang mos.
Mung (Yuen Wah) – Mung is a Vampire Vampire, who consumes the blood of vampires to get powerful or something. Yuen Wah is one of two Mr. Vampire alums, and has been in a bajillion films, including My Kung Fu Sweetheart and Kung Fu Hustle.
Lung (Chin Siu-Ho) – Lung is the dad of the vampire family and is 1500 years old. He likes younger chicks, and lying to younger chicks. Chin Siu-Ho is another Mr. Vampire alum.
Rex (Rock Ji) – The brother in the family and the family member every sister has a crush on, even though Rex is too dense to pick up on it. Rock Ji is a male model. Shocking that another model is in this cast, I know.
Kar (DaDa Lo Chung-Chi) – The 800 year old vampire sister who is sick of living the unfeeling life. She gets her wish, though in the end maybe she didn’t want it so bad. DaDa Lo is a lang mo and also is in a pop group called Sugar Beez with A. Lin. The group appears to be based on the Twins, though most YouTube videos show them performing in front of only a few people at a time.
Lin (A. Lin) – The youngest member of the vampire family. That’s about it for what her character does in the film except almost drink too much water and die. Then she actually dies via Vampire Vampire. A. Lin is a model/singer noted for her resemblance to Gillian Chung. In the group Sugar Beez with DaDa Lo.
Menstruation really hits the spot!