Kinky Kong

2006
Directed by John Bacchus

Seduction Cinema vs. King Kong! It is a softcore King Kong erotic parody that actually does a good job of following the plot of King Kong. It was much more close than I was expecting, which was a great surprise. Seduction Cinema does put out a lot of garbage, but there are many jewels in the rough, and I am happy to report this is one of them. Kinky Kong was filmed after Misty Mundae left to pursue other options, so she won’t be joining us, though other Seduction Cinema regulars are present. John Bacchus and Seduction Cinema have a rich history of ultra-low budget softcore produtions, for those of you who aren’t familiar with the group, you have a lot of catching up to do. Try our reviews of That 70’s Girl, Bikini Girls On Dinosaur Planet, or Vampire Vixens to get acquainted with the production company. Then consult your local library. After you get kicked out of the library, consult your local internet. Just be sure to turn off the safe-search function.

This is not the first erotic King Kong film. Ignoring all those movies where girls just bone normal sized apes (a surprising amount of films, by the way) there are actual King Kong hardcore porns. The most famous is 1985’s King Dong, directed by Yancy Hendrieth and starring Crystal Holland.

Normally the Seduction Cinema sex scenes are incredibly long, to the point where I just list the time instead of mentioning the action. Someone must have set some standards, as now most of the sex scenes are exactly four minutes long. This ruins my time counting gimmick, so I guess I’ll have to go watch some of their older films to go back to that fun. Oh, well. Let me find my DVD of Playmate of the Apes…

Seymoure Ass (John Fedele) – The director who has the idea for their madcap adventure. Super flatulent, and has a ridiculous 1920s Brooklyn accent throughout the film. Fannie Sparrow (Sabrina Faire) – Fannie Sparrow is the Ann Darrow, the girl Seymoure saves from shoplifting to star in his own film set on an island where there is a giant ape. Charlina (Darian Caine) – This tough girl is the cook on the ship and also a lesbian extrodanaire. She knows that every situation can be solved with some lesbian sex. And she is right. See Darian Caine in Batbabe if you dare… Brunhilda Patel (AJ Khan) – One of the native girls on the island who was starring in her own movie, and becomes one of Kinky Kong’s objects of affection. Another lesbian because you can’t have too many lesbians. See AJ Khan in Vampire Vixens and That 70’s Girl. Jack Friskell (Duane Polcou) – John Driscoll is no hero now, instead being a sailor who is distrustful of women. So much he plays for the other team. Is in love with Kinky Kong, but Kong spurs his advances. Kinky Kong (Dan Schwab) – He’s kinky. He’s kooky. He’s all together Kongy. He’s Kinky Kong, and he’s got a diaper full of love for every girl on the planet! No one can measure up to Kong, literally! Trapped on Bone Island, Kinky Kong is soon set free in New York City where the opportunities to live up to his given name are endless! T-Rex (CGI and a rubber mask) – This Tyrannosaurus looks like he has a couple of branches missing from his family tree! His bad vibes almost ruin a perfectly good bout of lesbian sex, so Kinky Kong is forced to administer jungle law to keep the T-Rex from ruining everything. Kinky Kong is successful.

Seymoure is directing two bad actresses (who are acting bad on purpose), and the scene they are in devolves into lesbian sex in a matter of moments. After four minutes, Seymoure freaks out because it isn’t sexy enough and takes to the streets. He’s taking it to the streets, people!

After the credits and the amazing faces Seymoure makes while editing his picture filled with dancing naked chicks, he is now on a boat preparing to go halfway around the world looking for the perfect shot to put in the film. One big problem, Busty Dusty has quit the picture. You all know who Busty Dusty is, so I shall not explain her. They need to find a new leading actress, so Seymoure sets out to look for one. First two bums bother him, including Gregory Conley of YourVideoStoreShelf. Seymoure finds his girl as the proprietor of Wank-o-rama is holding her for shoplifting a dildo. Director Seymoure convinces Fannie Darrow to go with him on the trip, but first stops by a hotel to film another sex scene with her and some Elvis guy. This one lasts six minutes, and then they set sail

Jack Friskell has a rant against women that first amuses then annoys Fannie. She goes down deck where Charlina is peeling potatoes and has had enough of Fannie’s non-blue collar lifestyle. Nothing a little lesbian sex for five minutes won’t cure!

The crew demands to know where they are going, so Seymoure tells the story of Kong, pronounced “Kang,” and says they are after Kinky Kong on Bone Island. Outside, they do a riff on the “show me terror” scene with Seymore filming Fannie showing pleasure and then sadness, then drunk. Then an otter. Then pretending she’s giving some oral.

They make landfall, and Charlina find oil! But the director doesn’t care, because he only wants to make movies. Take that, 1976 remake! They see a giant Kong gate with Kong head statues on the sides. Then they hear noises, and soon run across some natives, who are dressed like the Flintstones except for AJ Khan’s Brunhilda who is clad in a bikini. These are the Wannabe Tribe. If you Wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends. And some of these people will soon be getting with their friends, stay tuned! Charlina tries to get past the language barrier with some nice humor, but never fear, the natives speak English with British accents! They are filming their own movie, and as the chief and director Seymoure negotiate, girls Fannie and Brunhilda walk off together and trade innuendos. They then head back to Brunhilda’s log cabin and trade bodily fluids for five minutes.

They go for a post-coitus walk outside, but a giant freaking ape appears and picks up Fannie! He takes off her top, but she just puts it back on and does her makeup. Brunhilda gets impatient because she is being ignored, but Kong picks her up as well. Kong is all about double duty and double booty. The girls’ screams panic Seymore, he and his crew take out guns and shoot at the natives.

Then they see Kong with the girls (Barbie dolls) and start shooting at him. Kong just dances around and touches himself, which causes some of the female crew to just walk away in disgust. It’s like they’ve never been to the zoo before! Fannie and Brunhilda are stored in his diaper at the moment, because you wanted to know! Help from the boat won’t be coming anytime soon because they are too busy sexing each other up. One girl has tattoos in an unlikely place.


Instead of escaping, the captive girls Fannie and Brunhilda decide to have some more lesbian sex (they are very dedicated) while Kinky Kong gets into a fight with a cgi crosseyed T-Rex. At least some of the fighting looks like it used an actual rubber costume, so good work on the rubber!

Jack Driscoll arrives and tells the girls to run and he will sacrifice himself instead, because he is in love with Kinky Kong, but Kinky Kong rejects his advances. Kinky Kong smashes through the gate, but director Seymoure’s nervousness causes an unleashing of a geyser of gastrointestinal emissions that KO’s Kinky Kong.

Let’s take him back to New York! They are prepping for the show, and Jack is now in drag. Just because. He explains it, but watch the movie to find out why. The audience comes in, and check out this pack of extras! My favorite guy is the one with the horse hat. I just know he would sit right in front of me in real life. The show begins, with Kinky Kong in chains, while three girls dance below: Brunhilda, Fannie, and a new girl. Their dance soon becomes a lesbian threeway. Like you didn’t see that one coming. Equus ain’t got nothing on this! Three minutes in, Kinky Kong gets excited enough the chains are broken by his Kong Dork. Like you didn’t see that one coming, either!

Panic! And not just at the disco! Kinky Kong is loose on the streets. They do a riff on the elevated train sequence, this time the train goes right up Kinky Kong’s butt!

Kinky Kong chases some more people then starts to climb a brick apartment building, stopping to peep in one of the floors, seeing Charlina sex up a random lesbian babe. I’m glad she could find time for her favorite hobby in the midst of all this chaos and destruction. Something odd happens, this sex sequence lasts longer than five minutes!

Kinky Kong starts humping the building. At minute six, Jack is doused in milk, but brother, that ain’t milk. Groooooooossss!!! I bet you didn’t see that one coming, and now you still wish you didn’t!

The heroes go to the cops, but by now Kinky Kong has spotted the Statue of Liberty and is in love.

If you ever wanted to see a gorilla frak the Statue of Liberty but only had the money for one DVD…

It was beauty that got the beast, eh Seymoure? – Jack
No not beauty, just a large inflatable doll named Liberty. Good night, folks! – Seymoure

And we are out of here! Yes, no airplane battle against Kinky Kong, why end this on a downer? Plus, he’d just have sex with the planes.

Rated 5/10 (Face, Tattoo, Cool Audience Member, Threadbanger Audience Member, Mr. Ed’s secret son)

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