Cleavagefield

2009
Directed by Jim Wynorski (as Salvadore Ross)

Yes, this is an erotic parody of Cloverfield, and it follows most of the plot to the nines. It is complete with random shots of other days, and most of the film is a first person hand held camera. Since the film isn’t entirely taking itself seriously, there are a few instances of breaking the fourth wall. The film occasionally breaks into shots of Tom’s visit to Hawaii where there are two blonde girls (Davina Murphy and Dallas Lowe) that just ended up being annoying, so I fast forwarded through those parts.

Cleavagefield is a humor movie, so don’t expect cool monster sequences and military fights. Expect naked chicks and a monster strolling along every once in a while. The origin of the film is interesting, it started out as a joke on the Retromedia Message Boards and people got interested. Thus, the joke became reality. It was originally joked under the title Chestyfield, for those of you who are interested. At this time there is scant information about the cast online, and due to the fact I am not as knowledgeable about some of these actresses as I should be, I don’t know what other names some of them are probably better known as (Brandee Schaefer in particular) I tried, that is all I can say.

Maggie Daniels (Brandee Schaefer) – Maggie is a good mother to her chihuahua and willing to go to any lengths to get her back. Even braving a giant monster is no challenge. Vicki Conners (Amy Ried) – Vicki Conners is the most famous stripper in the film, she will be headlining clubs in Asia, one of the few people who will go to Japan to get away from a giant monster! Amy Ried has starred in such fine pornographic fare as Leztravaganza!, The Boobs of Hazzard, and Cum in My Ass Not in My Mouth 5. Carla (Rebecca Love) – Carla is all about the debriefing. Rebecca Love was seen her previously in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini and Bewitched Housewives, so read those if you want more on her. Debbie (Lucia Santos) – Debbie is the girl who knows how to operate the TV remote. Yep. She also manages to get attacked by one of Junior’s pets. Her preening for the camera reminds me of Vanessa Hudgens. Lucia Santos is an actress of the adult variety, and was in The Da Vinci Coed. Tom Warner (Frankie Cullen) – Our cameraman who will give sarcastic jokes throughout the film. At various times he leaves to join in the action himself. Frankie Cullen was in Bikini Airways. Fifi (herself) – Maggie’s dog who likes to watch. Is a practical joker and watches TV. Fifi is more developed as a character than any other cast member. Junior (CGI – credited as Guy Green!) – The Cleavagefield monster! He’s green, he’s mean, he’s got a big belly. Junior tramples around downtown LA because that’s what he does. Has snot attacks and is impervious to all weapons. Please ignore how he looks like a monster from the old Superman cartoons. Junior’s pets (CGI) – Junior is crawling with some flying lobster monsters that were dubbed his pets. One of them tries to make dinner out of Debbie. At one point these were going to be moth-mites and chew off people’s clothes.

A busty woman (Tallulah Blankhead) runs through the streets only to be harassed by a fat dinosaur… it’s Cleavagefield! (as we zoom in on her cleavage!)

Enough of that, sex scene time! A dude and a blonde chick (Tom and Maggie) are getting it on, erotic parody style! Set to a song which repeats the lyrics “Got to have it” (repeated lyrics will be a theme of the sex songs.) After the dirty deed is done to much satisfaction, we get an interview of Maggie and meet Fifi the chihuahua. Tom was recently in Hawaii, so thus begins the intersplicing of his sexploits with the two random blonde girls.

The radio mentions something fell into the ocean, but who cares about that when you gotta go to a party? The party for Vicki Conners, who is leaving for an Asian tour where she is headlining at famous strip clubs in Asia. Tom films two other girls, Carla and Debbie, as they get it on, and soon he is joining the action. As they do the beast with three backs, Vicki Conners is being saluted at her party by Maggie, and soon the audience wants Vicki to strip. Vicki is not in the mood, so Maggie steps up to the plate! Then that gets Vicki in the mood for a double strip-apalooza.

After the strip-off face-off, the apartment is rocked by unearthly booms…but it is just gassy Barry in the bathroom. Barry, you yutz! Then the apartment is rocked by other unearthly booms! They are not Barry, and everyone panics and jiggles! The four main girls and Tom go to the roof to get a look. They see big explosions all over LA! So they run. Cleavagefield is the movie that DARES to show lot of people running. I can’t fault it for that, because Cloverfield made it a legitimate film technique. At least Cleavagefield shows us the jigglin’ inherent in said running.

Outside, they narrowly miss the head of the Blimp Boy statue (parodying the Statue of Liberty head crashing in Cloverfield) and then the monster comes. The girls hide in a building, but some guy who looks like a club owner named Matt Frazy is there, he has no clue there is a monster on the loose. He is worried that he will get in trouble from his boss if the women are there, so Vicki makes an arrangement. A sex arrangement. The song lyrics go “Pussy Pussy Bang Bang” over and over again.

On the TV, after a clip of House on Haunted Hill, they see a news report of the monster and the things living on it. Carla theorizes it is his pets, and Maggie realizes she left Fifi back at home! So now they must go to home to rescue the dog! If you have freeze frame on your DVRs, read the crawl down below as the news shows the monster clips.

The monster shows up as the girls walk and sneezes on them, so now they are covered in snot! They shouldn’t have said “I don’t know”! Now the foursome needs a shower…hey, a massage parlor is nearby. The four girls shower, which quickly becomes a four girl lesbian experience!

They get some new clothes (hooker clothes) and make it home to Nakatomi Plaza (seriously) which has been bent up but is still in one piece. Fifi plays a practical joke, but is fine. The group decides they will go to Burbank because the monster would never want to go there..even though it is 20 miles away and they are traveling on foot. So they go.

A lobster with wings attacks! it is one of the monster pets, and it claws Debbie’s arm. Then three guys show up and shoot pistols at it. I thought they were like survivalists or something, but they are the army! They are General Mayhem, Private Johnny Lapdance, and Corporal Punishment. The military men take everyone back to their base. Private Lapdance takes Debbie to the infirmary to look at her injured arm. This involves sex, in case you couldn’t figure it out. The lyrics for this song go “3-2-1” over and over, but it never makes “contact” or “blast off”. We demand the song climax much like the actors are doing! A sad day for sex songs.

We get a witty debriefing section as General Mayhem asks questions of the four girls. Next a female doctor named Sgt Brandywine (played by Julie K. Smith) will examine Carla. They both get naked…and then sex it up, army doctor style! That’s when they have sex for 11 years when the war only lasted for two!

Back out on the streets (with Sgt Brandywine joining them) and they immediately run into the monster! Sgt Brandywine has a laser gun, but it only annoys the monster. The girls run into a building, and decided to do a video will. Then they do an encore lapdance so their fans will remember them. This means all five of them strip and dance for the camera.

From the window, the monster winks his approval and waves goodbye. The end!

And after the credits…Barry is still in the bathroom! Barry, you jerk!

For a quickly made film that started out as a joke it ended up coming out pretty effective. There was much more shots of the monster than I thought there would have been, so that was nice as well.

Rated 7/10 (Lobster marks, Not the Carls Jr!, House on Haunted Public Domain, House of Motley Crue, Johnny prepared, A starring role, Monster want some snackies?)

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