Area 51
Area 51
aka 51
2011
Written by Lucy Mukerjee
Story by Kenny Yakkel
Directed by Jason Connery
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Aliens just can’t make Jello correctly…
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Area 51 is a more unique SyFy offering. Instead of the usual CGI effects chasing our heroes around, instead we have monsters made of largely practical effects and makeup mixed with CGI. It actually rules, because it’s so unexpected. The effects work is pretty good, the various monster costumes are full costume props, some of them being large wearable puppet constructs. The only alien costume I didn’t like was the one for Patient Zero, because it looked too much like a guy in a full body suit. This reminds me of the Don Dohler films, which was some nice nostalgia. And Area 51 is better than many of those!
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You think this is crazy, guess what they got in Area 52!
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By far not the first flick to feature Area 51 or aliens fighting people in Area 51, Area 51 does give us a variety of creatures causing a variety of problems. The different stories sort of weave together, but have a bit of trouble trying to find a narrative whole. The different creatures with their own different agendas gives them more characterization than usual in a SyFy style flick. The fact that not all of the monsters are mindless killing machines was a great touch that needs to be used more in other creature features.
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Suddenly the alien thinks he’s Neo!
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The basic story is the press are being let into Area 51 for the first time as part of a media transparency thing, except they are only going to get to see a tiny part of the base and nothing cool. Until things go wrong… Alien killing spree wrong!
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The aliens at Area 51:
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Time to die, Smurf!
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Bruce Boxleitner, Ivan Djurovic, Jason London, John Shea, Rachel Miner, Rob Steinberg, SciFi Channel, SyFy, Vanessa Branch, VyVy Nguyen
Abominable Snowman
Abominable Snowman
aka Deadly Descent
2013
Written by Nathan Atkins
Directed by Marko Makilaakso
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Hey, guys, funny joke, now let me in!
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A group of mountain climbers learn that sometimes the mountain climbs you, even if it isn’t in Soviet Russia and also “the mountain climbs you” is a metaphor for huge abominable snowmen that eat you. Sure, that joke makes no sense, but who gives a crap, we got a gigantic abominable snowman eating people, making sense is for losers!
Proud SyFy vets UFO International drop this tale of man vs. beast (Originally titled Deadly Descent), which follows a similar structure as most of the creature features, so it’s all down to details. While not being a bad example, Abominable Snowman is by the numbers, it does what it does and that’s what we got. The things to distinguish it from other creature features is not the monster, but the vast amount of skiing and snowboarding.
Every character is either active military, a vet, or going into the military. This means they drop military terms like candy at a parade. They’re also all experience mountaineers and skiers thanks to the nearby slopes, so those hobby terms are used all the time as well. I’m not experience enough at mountaineering and skiing to know if they were making sense or blabbing a bunch of nonsense, but I shall give them some leeway here. The military aspect defines the characters. They’re trapped in a small town, the only way out is to go into the army and see the world. Everyone’s friends join up, and the only jobs left is bartending for the broken vets who return. A main character Brian suffers from PTSD, as does at least one of the supporting cast. Adrian Paul’s helicopter pilot character returned from war an empty man and got into substance abuse troubles. Other characters argue about whether to reenlist, how it will disrupt their lives vs. the potential benefits and ability to do something interesting. It’s an evenhanded approach that doesn’t take sides, just shows reality. The variety of military characters as opposed to the usually cliche military nut is what I liked best about Abominable Snowman.
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Hi, we’re yetis, but usually we disguise ourselves as ellipses!
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Director Marko Makilaakso helmed War of the Dead, which ran out of money and sat on a shelf for years. I haven’t seen it. Beyond that, he’s done a lot of documentary work. Writer Nathan Atkins also wrote Super Tanker and Cold Fusion, but before all this he angered a bunch of people who like a terrible movie too much when he wrote the DTV sequel, S. Darko.
The biggest disappointment is that the monster CGI just a few simple repeated movements, and beyond that we rarely see the creatures. As someone who likes lots of monster shots and shots of monsters doing things, this was disappointing. Beyond that, this ski route has seen a lot of snow bunnies slide down it. So in the end, the needle moves back to average but not terrible.
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I should’ve had a V8!
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Adrian Paul, Bigfoot, CGI trainwreck, Chuck Campbell, Elizabeth Croft, Lauren O'Neil, Marko Makilaakso, Nathan Atkins, Nicholas Boulton, Sam Cassidy, SciFi Channel, Sean Teale, SyFy, Zara Dimitrova
Dungeons & Dragons: The Book of Vile Darkness
Dungeons & Dragons: The Book of Vile Darkness
aka Dungeons & Dragons 3
2012
Written by Brian Rudnick
Directed by Gerry Lively
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The horrors of Lasik!
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Dungeons & Dragons: The Book of Vile Darkness. D&D: The Threequel. D&D: Chipwrecked. Known by many names, Dungeons & Dragons 3 still manages to become a SyFy original and pack in some fun. While there is no comparison to big budgeted blockbusters where characters slice down armies of orcs, for a small adventure things are peachy keen. +2 axe keen.
Where do we stand? Well, it is still a hell of a lot better than Dungeons & Dragons. But Dungeons & Dragons 2 is slightly more charming. That isn’t to say Dungeons & Dragons 3 isn’t good. It’s actually pretty entertaining. I would say it is equally as good as the second one, if only because they switch things up and have us follow around a gang of evil adventurers who aren’t afraid to slaughter innocent people and rob and kill each other. It’s the cool things like this that make you want to watch more films that follow around a bunch of amoral people. And it’s also how some of the funner D&D campaigns go, as your characters just loot, murder, and plunder the countryside while becoming the most powerful and the most wanted people out there.
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This dragon is ET!
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We see the return of the director and writer of Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God for this new installment, Gerry Lively and Brian Rudnick. Their familiarity with the subject matter and how to make a film that isn’t terrible helped save this franchise from becoming the gigantic joke the original installment made it. The Book of Vile Darkness is an actual book for D&D as well as being an item in the game. The book was controversial upon release, as it was the first D&D book for mature audiences and some claimed it validated the old complaints about Dungeons & Dragons being evil. Others were a bit more rational with their reception.
In the film, each character gets effects and has their own motivations for why they are doing what they are doing. Some have tragic back stories, some are just in search of interesting lives, and some are just giant dicks. Akordia has neat effects where she can teleport her hands to far away to do things, which are put to great use like when she needs to slap Grayson for being an idiot again. It’s fun seeing how such powers would actually be used as opposed to just them being used in random battles. There is some great flavor, and some neat concepts for some of the monsters, particularly the very creepy undead child, and the disturbing evil Lord who has his mouth sewn shut, but still speaks through his chained twin female slaves.
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Mrs. Gollum!
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Grayson’s quest to save his father and thus save the world forces him into positions that betray the oaths he swore, but they are the only way to do the job of saving the world. Grayson’s choices (and eventual reveal as being way more powerful morally than his father because he compromises on his principles) is an interesting story branch, and makes you wonder how it plays out in a grander scheme. Do Grayson’s choices to kill people and ally with bad men equate with some of the awful things the US does on its War on Terror? Is this like a Jack Bauer situation, in that Grayson truly doesn’t have another alternative? Grayson does do bad things, but they are done to bad people who are planning to do even worse things. In a matter of principles, his hands aren’t as dirty as they might be, but to the values that the Knights he belong to, he doesn’t measure up to the oaths. But that doesn’t matter, as his commitment and character is what activates his magic amulet, something more pure members of the Knights were never able to do. Following the Dungeons & Dragons alignment system, Grayson moves from Lawful Good to Chaotic Good, but he never really steps outside of the good sphere. So it isn’t an abandonment of the Good principle, even if he isn’t the pure Lawful Good he wanted to be.
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The worst modern dance ever.
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Tasmanian Devils
Tasmanian Devils
2013
Written by Brook Durham
Directed by Zach Lipovsky
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Inspector Mom is now Ranger Mom!
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What if the Tasmanian Devil from the Bugs Bunny cartoons was a SyFy killer movie animal? Well, that’s not going to happen, so enjoy the next best thing, a group of supernatural real Tasmanian devils that attack a group of base jumpers and park rangers. And let’s throw in a flip-flopping gender politics theme for good measure! Thus we have Tasmanian Devils, the best movie about supernatural killer Tasmanian Devils ever! Unfortunately, due to the weird flip-flop the aforementioned gender politics thing takes, Tasmanian Devils gets the fun sucked out of it, and manages to finish as just your average SyFy flick. A shame, because there are some really good things about it. If only they had keep this pot on the stove a few minutes longer…
Dancia McKellar’s Alex is a female park ranger who becomes the defacto voice of authority when all the other rangers are slaughtered. Despite that event, in general her ideas are pretty good and her knowledge of Tasmanian devil habits and aboriginal folklore are assets to survival. But some of the basejumpers (mainly Anderson, a character who is used to being in control and having the answers himself) doesn’t listen to her and does things that work against what is best for survival because he thinks his ideas will work. They just end up in tragedy, and Alex begins to look like the golden child of knowing how to survive a horror film. She even saves a male character named Jayne (and a prior scene points out that both characters have names of the opposite genders!) But by the end of the film, Alex has suddenly become weak and helpless, needing Jayne’s protection and ideas to figure out a way to finally kill the last Supertaz. This sudden shift is strange to say the least, and makes me wonder if there wasn’t some script-flipping schenanigans going on.
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Dental plan! Supertaz needs braces!
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Alex is afraid of heights because when she was a child, her brother fell out of a high tree they both were in and died. She says in this confession that she feels guilt that she couldn’t save her brother and vowed to not get into a situation like that again. But it takes so many deaths to get to the realization that she is in the situation that is comes too late. She’s been constantly being the one to save people while working against characters doing dumb things. And instead of overcoming the obstacles and finding a way to get her and Jayne out alive, she doesn’t. Jayne, who at this point would be acting as the surrogate brother, figures out what to do to save the day. In addition, besides being a nice guy who thinks Alex knows what she’s talking about, Jayne hasn’t really come up with solutions to prior problems. His sudden inspiration is out of character. A bad conclusion to what would have been more fun.
The characters Walsh and Lisbon are developed more than Jayne. If anything, Walsh was the coolest character in the film, an awesome cop who both really loved Lisbon but also did stupid things occasionally. Their deaths impact the film by sucking much of the charisma out of it, which takes a further hit when Dancia McKellar’s Alex goes all wimpy. I wanted so hard to like Tasmanian Devils, but it made it too difficult. Instead we get a pretty by the numbers SyFy flick, complete with require references to Jurassic Park.
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I’m about to publish my mathmatical theorem on burning your butt!
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Tasmanian Devils is also pretty darn gory, which is cool. More blood for the blood god! The Tasmanian blood god! Writer Brook Durham wrote the fun SyFy flicks Showdown at Area 51 and Mammoth, while director Zach Lipovsky is an effects artist who occasionally dabbles in directing, though this looks like his first SyFy feature.
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The best ET shot ever.
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Brook Durham, CGI trainwreck, Danica McKellar, Kenneth Mitchell, Mike Dopud, Rekha Sharma, Roger Cross, SciFi Channel, SyFy, Terry Chen, totally not Jurassic Park, Zach Lipovsky
Chupacabra vs. the Alamo
Chupacabra vs. the Alamo
2013
Story by Peter Sullivan and Jeffrey Schenck
Written by Peter Sullivan
Directed by Terry Ingram
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That’s what you get for not having a basement!
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Chupacabra vs. The Alamo retells the battle of the Alamo with a modern twist. And has an ending that might enrage certain people with an unhealthy Texas obsession, which gives it bonus points in my book. There is also Erik Estrada gunning down chupacabras while getting over his wife’s death and reconnecting with his distant children. But mostly chupacabras.
It’s one of the few horror films with a largely Latino-American cast. Spanish is sprinkled in in levels not unusual for a border town or a town with a lot of migrant workers. Both most of the police characters and most of the gang members are Latino, giving a wide slice of personalities.
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Do you think Larry Wilcox could deal with these chupacabras? Please!
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Chupacabra vs. The Alamo is nto afraid to address issues of modern border life, from drug smuggling to Mexican gang violence to illegal immigration to the lack of concern in government response. You can easily see some symbolism in the invading immigrant chupacabras attacking heroes holed up at the Alamo on Cinco de Mayo. But inside the heroes are mostly Latino, and they’re fighting to save their homes. The chupacabras are not illegal immigrants, but crazed gang violence, represented in the monstrous form it deserves to be regarded as. Agent Carlos’s son Tommy spent time in jail for bombing a Mexican drug lord (actually for possessing explosives because they didn’t have proof he killed the man), but it’s revealed he did it to prevent the drug lord from killing more innocent people like his gang war was doing. The mix of ethnicities shows that everyone must come together.
Instead of the classic chupacabra image from witness descriptions that loos sort of like an alien grey with claws and spikes, we get a chupacabra based on those dead “chupacabras” that make the news every few years, which are really just foxes and dogs with mange. Thus, the fierce creatures tearing everyone apart are played by tiny dogs. If you ever wondered what would happen if the cast of Beverly Hills Chihuahua went feral and started chomping necks, now you can find out! As you can imagine, it makes the attack scenes range from ridiculous to ridonkulous.
This movie loves green-screening Erik Estrada on a motorcycle! Why not have the star of CHiPs driving around on a bike for most of the film? If you can, you must! Despite the craziness of the title and premise, some of the action sequences are pretty cool. Notably, Erik Estrada running through a high school blasting chupacabras with a shotgun. The ending also takes some guts, especially since it was filmed with the cooperation of the Alamo. The film knows it’s roots and gives us some winking nods to more famous genre films. Though symptomatic of many of the problems that plague SyFy’s low-budget creature features, there is an energy and fun with Chupacabra vs. the Alamo that makes up for it. The important thing for these films is to be fun and entertaining, and Chupacabra vs. the Alamo definitely is.
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I’ll be chupacaback!
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Director Terry Ingram is a veteran of genre films and shows, such as Ice Road Terror, the SyFy Ice Truckers vs. Monsters movie, as well as some episodes of Relic Hunter and Honey I Shrunk The Kids: The TV Show. Writer Peter Sullivan took a break from writing all his The Dog Who Saved… scripts to give us this masterpiece about dogs gone bad (He also wrote Christmas Twister!)
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Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Anja Savcic, CGI trainwreck, David Nykl, Erik Estrada, Jeffrey Schenck, Jorge Vargas, Julia Benson, Nicole Muñoz, Peter Sullivan, SciFi Channel, SyFy, Terry Ingram, Vanesa Tomasino
