Posts tagged "Ron Ford"

Housewives from Another World

Housewives from Another World

Housewives from Another World
2010
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Housewives from Another World

Yes, it is all so clear now how Honey Boo-Boo is a good show.


It’s been far too long. We need an application of Fred Olen Ray, STAT! Thankfully, Housewives From Another World is here to deliver us from the torment, the torment of not seeing one of Ray’s bikiniverse films on TarsTarkas.NET recently. Don’t laugh, this is a recognized medical condition. In that I edited it into a Wikipedia article on medical conditions before I was banned for “trolling”. But how is spreading knowledge trolling? Wikipedia is the true monster.

Housewives From Another World features invading aliens who possess some local women in hopes of sabotaging a satellite launch to prevent a war that ends up destroying their species. These women never regain control of their bodies, and are essentially dead. The aliens would declare that it’s all in the name of saving countless lives. So a moral choice is presented: Is it worth killing a few innocent people in order to prevent a genocide? Obviously, the aliens have made their choice. But did they really have to kill the women as they gain control of their bodies? And why not just gain control of Max, the designer of the satellite, and use his knowledge to sabotage all chances of it being launched?

Housewives from Another World

Oh, great, someone wake up Bruce Willis…


It’s also interesting so see that the aliens travel back in time to Earth, instead of going to warn their own people to get them prepared. Or maybe they do, we just don’t see those characters. After all, some of the alien women leave at the end (with Max), and they must be going somewhere. The aliens may have advanced technology, but they have dubious planning skills (unless their technology only allows them to travel to Earth in the past!) and who knows what their time meddling may have done to history. Technology from the satellite may have saved the galaxy at some point, but the whole thing is tossed to save their skins. And let’s not even talk about how this would be a minor setback at best, human technology can easily catch up and eclipse the work of one man. Though that might mean the time sequence to discovery and war is very quick, perhaps enough that they will be able to develop defenses (heck, there might even be a Team B that is warning their own homeworld!) or even arming their own side, who may come to conquer Earth instead.

These ethical and mysterious quandaries add intrigue to Housewives From Another World. Also there are naked people who have sex.

Housewives from Another World

Cut loose like a deuce, another runner in the night


Max (Frankie Cullen) – Works on the Orion Deep Space Satellite when he’s not cheating on his wife, Karen. Is the best worker in the program, and the boss constantly talks about how cool his is.
Karen (Heather Vandeven) – Max’s loving wife, who is less than loving when she finds he’s been cheating around. Finds a meteor crater in a drunken stupor and is taken over by aliens from a distant world who are working to sabotage the Orion Deep Space Satellite to save countless lives.
Carla (Christine Nguyen) – Fellow worker on the Orion satellite, but she’s nowhere near as good at her job as Max. Dreamy Max… But at least she’s better than Tom! Gets meteored last of the three female characters.
Rita (Rebecca Love) – Unbright neighbor to Max and Rita, easily convinced to hop into bed with Max. Gets meteored and suddenly is much smarter. Because she’s an alien, and not Rita.
Tom (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Oh. This guy.
Mr. Roberts (Ted Newsom) – Boss at the satellite company, he really rides his employees to do their all, but only Max is good enough to get anything done.
Undercover Agent (Ron Ford) – This totally cool looking guy who is trying to buy the satellite plans off of Tom for suitcases of cash is definitely not an undercover agent for the FBI.

Housewives from Another World

This is the only shower in all of LA!


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - July 29, 2013 at 8:25 am

Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite (Review)

Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite


2010
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

It’s another Fred Olen Ray Bikini softcore flick! This one is also layered in the SciFi motif as we got Twilight Vamps, which totally is not cashing in on Twilight at all. Okay, maybe some. Sort of like the ocean has some water. Vampires are big business right now, and thanks to shows like True Blood, are also big sexy business right now. So you know that the softcore genre is going to come a-knocking!

What is me on a Tuesday morning at work doing in this film?

What we got is a squad of vampire strippers who enjoy sucking men….sucking their blood! They also do the other sucking. And because making guys with lots of disposable cash show up mysteriously dead and all connected to the same nightclub doesn’t arouse any suspicion from the police in this town, the girls are free to operate as they see fit. Until one day, a down on his luck guy takes the fall for one of their dinners and fights back.

Twilight Vamps features a number of original songs during the long pole dancing segments. A group called Nimbus performs the songs All is Calm and Liar Pt. 2, while The Erotics perform Agony and Xtacy and Push Comes to Death.

Jack (Frankie Cullen) – Jack is just a nice guy who works hard and finishes last all the time. Damn stupid saying, why you gotta make Jack finish last? Jack bucks the trend with this vampire adventure and becomes a hero. Bikini Frankenstein, Bikini Airways, and Cleavagefield
Tabitha (Brandin Rackley) – The head vampire woman at Shadows. She also takes a shine to Jack, though the short term pleasure leads to a long term undoing of her vampire murder/robbery empire. Brandin Rackley is also a photographer in addition to appearing in Cleavagefield and Bikini Frankenstein. She also stops by blogs written by goofballs on the internet from time to time.
Angela (Christine Nguyen) – Another vampire chick from the vampire club, who sinks her fangs into Roger and makes a withdrawal. She also helps Jack while he is in jail, in exchange for him helping her. Christine Nguyen rocks our socks off in these films also reviewed on TarsTarkas.NET: Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, Bikini Royale, and Bikini Frankenstein.
Louise (Beverly Lynne) – Louise is Jack’s live-in girlfriend who doesn’t spend much time at home except to ask for money. She’s to busy banging everything with a vagina. She also disappears halfway through the film. But thanks to her scenes we can add the “Lesbians” tag proudly! Beverly Lynne is a softcore megastar who has been seen on TarsTarkas.NET in such classics as Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, Bikini Royale, Super Ninja Doll
Amanda (Ashley West) – A non-surgery enhanced member of the vampire harem. Amanda has sex and has lesbian sex. That’s about it for her character, except for the giant D tattoo on her back. But since she’s credited as Ashley and playing Amanda, the D doesn’t seem to make sense. I now guess it stands for “Da Vampire!” Yes, I am overthinking an actress’s tattoo in a Bikini film. That’s how we roll on TarsTarkas.NET!
Roger (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Jack’s coworker who steals from the internet. He was caught because his annual budget review was really just our review of Lady Black Cat with “$5,000,000” search-and-replaced over “Connie Chan”. For shame, Roger! He gets twilight vampired to death! Tony Marino also pops up in Bikini Frankenstein. I am suspecting but not positive he is also actor Todd Senofonte.
Detective Simpson (Ted Newsom) – Simpson, eh? Another of our chair moisteners from sector 7G! Detective Simpson gives Jack a hard time over Roger’s murder because it’s easier than actually doing police work. Ted Newsom has been seen before in Bikini Frankenstein, Super Ninja Doll, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Bewitched Housewives, and Bikini Royale
Cartwright (Ron Ford) – Jack and Roger’s boss at work. His job is to tell people that they need to work better. Ron Ford returns from Bikini Frankenstein, this time wearing another goofy mustache!
Tammy (Michelle Maylene) – Tammy is one of Louise’s lesbian pals. Michelle Maylene has handled more bones than a skeleton in over 80 films like Struggling Bare Breasted Prisoners, Stuff My Hot Pink Oven, Ruthless Restraint for Costume Captives!, and The Da Vinci Load.
Kyra (Jenaveve Jolie) – Kyra is another of Louise’s lesbian pals. Jenaveve Jolie has gushed more fluids than a busted oil rig in 318 films such as She’s Ticklish Everywhere, Tales from the Gloryhole, I Like to Chloroform Girls!, and Face Invaders. Did you notice both of the real porn stars have alliterate names?
Goth Dancer (Valerie K. Garcia) – She serves drinks, she dances, she is never mentioned as being a vampire. She’s also in the opening credits stills, providing the best photo! Don’t be blue…unless you’re a Smurf! Valerie K. Garcia was a slave girl in Princess of Mars, and also shows up playing the guitar in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.
It stinks!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - February 16, 2011 at 2:06 am

Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bikini Frankenstein (Review)

Bikini Frankenstein


2010
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
Written by Sherman Scott

Bikini Frankenstein
Bikini Frankenstein was first hinted at after the titles of Bikini Airways. But then the film never came out and people dismissed it as a joke. But, Cinemax being skinemax kept ordering new Fred Olen Ray Bikini movies, and as Ray worked his way through concept after concept, Bikini Frankenstein suddenly became viable again, and thus now exists. There isn’t a callback to Bikini Airways that I recognized, though there is an airline in the film, but a shame the airline wasn’t Janus Air, which would have been a cool callback. I’m all about inserting references into films no one will ever get. Frankie Cullen appeared in Bikini Airways, though, so that’s something.

Bikini Frankenstein was one of five Bikini films made at the same time – (the other four are Bikini Royale 2, Twilight Vamps, Housewives from Another World, and Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros) – and there is a cast shakeup from the usual Fred Olen Ray stable of actors as Cinemax wanted to shake things up a bit. Now, I know many people are disappointed we don’t have any Voodoo, Evan Stone, or Nicole Sheridan in the films, but they made tons of flicks together and there are even a few I haven’t seen yet. But at least we still got Christine Nguyen! Priorities, man! Also Ted Newsom, always a winner.
Bikini Frankenstein

Quality-wise, It looks like these new films are shot in widescreen, though that may have happened with the last four films, but I just recorded them off of tv so I am not sure. That’s what happens when you move to a house without cable, you have to buy dvds. The audio has also improved with the new cameras, and even the sex scenes are better. Plus Retromedia revamped their logo to better fit the widescreen.

Bikini Frankenstein is based on the novel by Mary Shelley – why not? Public domain has its privileges! This review is based on the classic novel Mickey Mouse and Boy Thursday! Okay, maybe not…but at least Bikini Frankenstein isn’t fighting zombies.

There are two special songs from rockabilly/rockaghoul/surf music band The Graveyard Farmers – Formaldehyde and Gimme Some Loving, for those of you into music that is cool.
Bikini Frankenstein

Dr. Victor Frankenstein (Frankie Cullen) – has crackpot theories! Frankie Cullen in glasses looks amazingly like David Arquette in glasses. It’s weird! Frankenstein brings the dead back to life, has sex with his assistants and students, and gets revenge on those who laughed at him by succeeding in his goals. It’s totally inspirational! Frankie Cullen was seen before on TarsTarkas.NET in Cleavagefield and was somewhere in Bikini Airways, being the only connection to the original announcement of the film I could find.
Ingrid (Brandin Rackley) – Frankenstein’s assistant, but she does her best work outside the lab. Brandin Rackley was also in Cleavagefield.
Eve (Jayden Cole) – It’s Bikini Frankenstein! And yet, she never wears a bikini… In any event, Eve is brought back from the dead and now lusts for human private parts. And she gets some. Lots. Too much to handle.
Claudia (Christine Nguyen) – Claudia is an old acquaintance of Frankenstein’s who is now with Frankenstein’s old rival. But that doesn’t stop her from getting some action on the side. I’m going to be lazy and just link to the Christine Nguyen tag, but she’s been in a ton of films we’ve covered!
Clyde (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Dr. Frankenstein’s arch-rival gets him banished, but is later embarrassed as Frankenstein proves he was right all along…
Professor Van Sloane (Ted Newsom) – Biology department head at State University, who banishes Dr. Frankenstein after he catches the good doctor playing doctor with his daughter. His poor dog Pookie died and Dr. Frankenstein wanted to reanimate it. Ted Newsom is a Fred Olen Ray regular and has been seen here in Super Ninja Doll, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Bewitched Housewives, and Bikini Royale.
Dr. Waldman (Ron Ford) – A fellow member of the faculty at State University who gets invited to the big unveiling of Bikini Frankenstein. Ron Ford is a one-man cult movie making machine, he writes, directs, does special effects, camera work, drives people around, and will even show up with a goofy mustache.
Debbie (Alexis Texas) – Professor Van Sloane’s sweet daughter is Dr. Frankenstein’s student. Who he has sex with. Alexis Texas has been slimed more than Bill Murray in Ghostbusters in such fine films as Bubble Butt Babysitters, Destination Tonsils 2, Rain Coater’s Point of View 6, and Buttwoman vs. Slutwoman.

Bikini Frankenstein
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - September 17, 2010 at 12:31 am

Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,