The Razzies Breaking Yawn their way to another boring year

Simpsons I Used to Believe in Things as a Kid
[adrotate banner=”1″]I get now why they call themselves the Razzies, it’s not because of the rude sound of the raspberry, but because they go after low hanging fruit in an attempt to get attention. Luckily, I’m avoiding their clever plan by…giving them attention??? D’oh!

In any event, here are their nominations. Notice that once again they nominate Twilight for everything and Adam Sandler for everything. They also lump Battleship in with the worst pictures and directors despite that film not being terrible. But, you know, board game movie. It’s got a stigma. At least Oogieloves and Atlas Shrugged deserve to be on there (and I admit, That’s My Boy does as well…)

Worst Picture
The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure
That’s My Boy
A Thousand Words
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II

Worst Director
Sean Anders – That’s My Boy
Peter Berg – Battleship
Bill Condon – The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II
Tyler Perry – Good Deeds / Madea’s Witness Protection
John Putch – Atlas Shrugged: Part II

Worst Actress
Katherine Heigl – One for the Money
Milla Jovovich – Resident Evil: Retribution
Tyler Perry – Madea’s Witness Protection
Kristen Stewart – The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II / Snow White and the Huntsman
Barbra Streisand – The Guilt Trip

Worst Actor
Nicolas Cage – Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance / Seeking Justice
Eddie Murphy – A Thousand Words
Robert Pattinson – The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II
Tyler Perry – Alex Cross / Good Deeds
Adam Sandler – That’s My Boy

Worst Supporting Actress
Jessica Biel – Playing For Keeps / Total Recall
Brooklyn Decker – Battleship / What to Expect When You’re Expecting
Ashley Greene – The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II
Jennifer Lopez – What to Expect When You’re Expecting
Rihanna – Battleship

Worst Supporting Actor
David Hasselhoff – Pirannha 3-DD
Taylor Lautner – The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II
Liam Neeson – Battleship / Wrath of the Titans
Nick Swardson – That’s My Boy
Vanilla Ice – That’s My Boy

Worst Screen Ensemble
The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure
That’s My Boy
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II
Madea’s Witness Protection

Worst Screenplay
Atlas Shrugged Part II
That’s My Boy
A Thousand Words
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II

Worst Remake, Rip-Off, or Sequel
Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance
Pirannha 3-DD
Red Dawn
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II
Madea’s Witness Protection

Worst Screen Couple
Any two cast members from Jersey Shore in The Three Stooges
Mackenzie Foy and Taylor Lautner in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II
Tyler Perry and his drag in Madea’s Witness Protection
Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg, Leighton Meester, or Susan Sarandon in That’s My Boy

via The Playlist

Bomb City: The Legend of 2012

[adrotate banner=”1″]2012 is long gone now, and despite it being an amazing year for cinema, there were some duds and some thuds. SO get out your suds and wash off the stink of these 2012 box office disasters!

Where would we be if the world didn’t have The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure? Probably with plenty of lunar colonies. Even though Oogieloves came out in August, it retroactively set mankind back decades. The brainchild of a marketing genius who decided to give the world a movie where 1 year olds could interact with the screen while their parents paid attention to their iPhones, the concept failed to catch on as any child older than 3 instantly got bored, and all children younger got bored after 30 minutes or so. It flopped hard, making just $445,000 in its opening weekend. Oogieloves beat out Delgo as the record setting worst box office performance for a film opening in over 2000 theaters. Oogieloves finished with just over $1 million gross, costing $20 million and spending $40 on marketing.

2012 saw the unfortunate trend of more right wing documentary propaganda at the theater, with 2016: Obama’s America tearing up the box office and a plethora of bandwagon documentaries and awful 1/3rd novel adaptations following in the footsteps: Occupy Unmasked, Atlas Shrugged Part 2, Hating Breitbart, and Runaway Slave. We detailed this mess with it’s own post filled with all the horrible details

Reprehensible garbage Won’t Back Down was pure anti-teacher union propaganda from Walden Media and Philip Anschutz, and thankfully crashed and burned. It had the worst opening for a film released at 2,500+ theaters with $2.6 million, and barely made double that by the end of its run.

Nickelodeon’s odd tween flick Fun Size became a trick and not a treat when it crashed at the box office, the third worst opening for a film with 3000+ theaters in history. The $4.1 million is still shockingly high for a film that couldn’t deicde if it was a kids movie or an adults movie.

Chasing Mavericks is another 2012 flick with a terrible opening. I knew it would bomb from the increasingly desperate invites to free screenings I was getting. It finished 11th worst for 2000+ theaters, with $2.6 million. Gerald Butler almost died making this film. Just think about what his legacy would have been.

Now let’s go to the lowest of the lows. The Ghastly Love of Johnny X earned just $117 during it’s one week run, making it the lowest grossing movie of the year. Of course, the press declared Playback starring Christian Slater the lowest grossing film of the year, but it make a whole $264. But The Ghastly Love of Johnny X has no former big names to rag on in the press, and spending ten seconds checking facts is hard, so the Playback story got copy/pasted on movies sites throughout the web. Thanks for showing just why web movie reporting is awful, guys!

What about John Carter? That legendary bomb that cost Disney $200 million still made a respectable $73 million in the US and $209 million more worldwide, which in any other world would be a hit. Think about how much money it would have made had it been advertised at all and still called John Carter of Mars (dammit!)

The TV movie homefront saw Home Alone 5 and Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime’s Liz & Dick.

Probably the worst thing that appeared in 2012 was the animation abomination Foodfight!, which got a European DVD release and soon was on YouTube giving Americans an aversion to food. After 11 years (and a do-over after a hero stole the original film!) the best they could come up with was one of the worst things ever made.

Will 2013 continue 2012’s proud tradition of shattering records? We shall see…we shall see..

Metal Gear Solid, Oogieloves, and interactive cinema

[adrotate banner=”1″]The big news in the geek universe this week was the announcement of a Metal Gear Solid movie. Talk of the movie threatened to envelope threads in every message board as fans of the franchise began talking about the games and how they are beyond the normal video game and become a truly interactive experience. The main point many of them rightfully attest is that it will be difficult if not impossible to duplicate the anything can happen as the fourth was is shattered to dust feelings as you desperately try to piece together what is going on and what crazy thing you will have to do next. Cinema is largely a one way interactive environment, what happens on screen will happen whether you are paying rapt attention or are dozing off or making out in the back row. I see you back there. Continue making out.

Aside from a few random films mostly on DVD (or that Futurama episode where you can watch Calculon double-check his paperwork!), what happens next is largely out of your control. There are no buttons to push, and no matter how loud you yell at that dumb girl in Friday the 13th Part 17, she’s going to take a shower in the haunted cabin built on the zombie graveyard. All that means is, can Metal Gear Solid survive if it’s not the type of story telling device people expect from it? Sure, many video game to movie adaptations have largely ignored key parts of the original game in order to tell a tale in a new medium (read: graft the franchise onto an existing mediocre script in an attempt to save money!), but most of them are terrible. Metal Gear Solid is one of those franchises that if it is screwed up, whoever directs it will be the new Uwe Boll, even if they go on to direct Gone With the Kane. Hideo Kojima is a literal rock star, I’ve personally seen people wait all day in lines to briefly see him (I saw him get out of the limo and everyone screamed and cheered!) He will not be blamed for it if it fails. That blame will fall on the eventual director and the producer Avi Arad. Arad already appears as an executive producer on all of Marvel’s films due to his ties to the company’s movie studio’s beginnings. He’s running his own production house now, and he has multiple projects in development, including films based on the video games Mass Effect, Uncharted, and inFAMOUS.

Making a Metal Gear Solid movie is not that difficult in theory, the Metal Gear franchise openly borrows from cinema and actors. The key problem arises in making a film that has the same type of feel as the original games. Regardless of how well the eventual film (if any) does, you can be sure people will complain about the smallest details imaginable.

Interactive film does have one more entry, a recent entry. As in this week is the opening weekend entry. And it’s making cinema history! Because it’s bombing so bad! Yes, we’re talking about the Oogieloves! The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure opened Wednesday in 1,500 theaters and made $60,000. Total. That’s $40 per screen. Ouch. Excuse me…Oogieouch! The reason I bring up the Oogieloves film (aside to join in the pile on!) is that the film promotes interactivity among its target audience of 2-5 year olds, having sections where they are prompted to get up and dance and talk to the screen. So there is interactivity in cinema, even if the kids can’t change things. And while it’s occasionally funny wo watch productions of Peter Pan where the audience doesn’t clap for Tinkerbell and she dies, the Oogieloves will never die, and they’re coming for you. With their balloons! The prior record holder for worst film for a major release is Creature, which opened on 1,507 screens for a $220 average.

Could the Metal Gear Solid flick feature sequences where you have to get up and dance? I sure hope so, because I want to read people arguing about it on the internet. Come on, Avi Arad, don’t let me down!

via G4TV

Oogieloves Goobie

A name means nothing on the battlefield...

The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure

[adrotate banner=”1″]Did you click on that trailer for The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure? Because if you did, you probably lost all your marbles at seeing these Teletubbies/Garbage Pail Kids things running around! But never fear, this is an actual film coming to actual theaters on August 29th (or as the marketing says, Oogust 29th!) Toni Braxton, Cloris Leachman, Christopher Lloyd, Chazz Palminteri, Cary Elwes, and Jamie Pressly all make appearances, along with you if you have kids under 5. Sorry, that’s just how it works. But if you’re going to have to go, you might as well get educated.

Find out about the Oogieloves:

Goobie Oogieloves

The Glo Worms have mutated and gained legs!

Goobie – Goobie is the most lovable inventor on the planet. Science is his passion, and he’s always got a creative and soundly engineered solution for practically any problem. Who else is able to make a refracting telescope from cereal boxes! He’s a lover of pickles, and not just because they taste so delectably good – they also inspire his most ingenious ideas. He’s always looking out for Zoozie and Toofie with endless patience and love. Goobie plays the guitar, and his favorite word is “scientastic”.

Goobie proves that the Professor from Gilligan’s Island got off the island at some point because he sired this guy!

Zoozie Oogieloves

She's come to eat the flowers

Zoozie – Zoozie is a lover of language – all language. She’s fluent in every single dialect that exists in the entire world, including both human and animal languages. This comes in handy when she, Goobie and Toofie need to ask directions from a gaggle of geese, or have a question for a chimpanzee. And she may be a fan of pink, sparkles and all things girlie, but she’s every bit the adventurer as the boys. Zoozie plays the keyboard, and her favorite word is “sparkeliciousness”.

Anyone find it weird she speaks all languages, but her favorite word isn’t a real word in any language?

Toofie Oogieloves

A rare photo of Toofie wearing pants...

Toofie – Toofie is fearless – he faces each and every obstacle with excitement and abandon. The youngest of the Oogieloves, he’s also the one most likely to get into…predicaments – like that time he tried to play catch, with a beehive! Toofie is the very best climber in all of LovelyLoveville. He’s able to climb absolutely anything he puts his mind to, no matter how tall. It’s no wonder that J. Edgar is always certain to say, “be careful, Toofie” whenever Toofie leaves the house. Toofie plays the drums, and his favorite word is “adventurific”.

Toofie spends much time with his pants down. Just think about that! I bet J. Edgar is always beating up that no good Toofie and throwing him in jail and wearing dresses and all that stuff.

Don’t worry, like Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, there are plenty of living objects: Ruffy the goldfish, Schluufy the pillow, Wendy Window, J. Edgar the vacuum cleaner, and probably others who don’t rate an about page on the website..

SO what’s the plot? I’m glad you asked because it obviously makes logical sense:

It’s Schluufy’s birthday, and the Oogieloves (Goobie, Zoozie and Toofie), along with their friends J. Edgar, Windy Window and Ruffy, are organizing a party. (Shh! It’s a secret.) Everything is going along just perfectly until J. Edgar trips and loses the last five magical balloons in all of Lovelyloveville–OH NO! The Oogiloves set out to find the magical balloons in time to save their friend’s party. Along the way, they meet some very interesting characters indeed, including Dotty Rounder (Cloris Leachman), Bobby Wobbly (Carey Elwes), Milky Marvin (Chazz Palminteri), Rosalie Rosebud (Toni Braxton) and Lola and Lero Sombero (Christopher Lloyd and Jaime Pressly). Can these new friends help them recover the magical balloons and get back to the cottage in time to celebrate Schluufy’s surprise birthday?

There is more on the Official Oogieloves website, with an embedded, repeating audio file that will eventually drive you mad and make you kill everyone you love. Carving “Oogieloves” into their chests.


One, two, Oogies coming for you...