Zodiac: Signs of the Apocalypse aligns the stars on SyFy!

Zodiac Comics

We have nothing to do with this movie!

August 16th has seen the rescheduling of original film Zodiac: Signs of the Apocalypse. The film was originally slated to premiiere in April, but was pushed back and replaced by Bermuda Tentacles. But baring any other last-minute replacement, Zodiac: Signs of the Apocalypse should finally get its moment in the sun.

A museum curator gets more than she bargained for when an ancient astrology board shows up at work… an ancient astrology board that could DESTROY THE WORLD!

Damn, astrology is more dangerous than I thought! Must be the fault of those darn Scorpios! Trust me when I say this is sort of intriguing in a weird sort of way. Here’s hoping it just doesn’t turn out to be something stupid! This is the first original film after the whole Sharknado Week promotion, and maybe it means we’ll get some more regular SyFy original movie action! Or they’re just filling an empty slot on the schedule.

The film stars Joel Gretsch, Christopher Lloyd, Aaron Douglas, and Andrea Brooks. Zodiac: Signs of the Apocalypse is directed by W.D. Hogan (Independence Daysaster) and written by newcomer David Sanderson.

Asylum’s Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys trailer

Blood Lake Attack of the Killer Lampreys

Needs more blood and more lake

The trailer for Asylum’s Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys has been posted by Entertainment Weakly, which deserves the derisive nickname for assigning the article to a writer who doesn’t even know what the heck a lamprey is, and spends a whole paragraph copying from Wikipedia. Good job there, that money you saved from firing your film critics is paying off in dividends, EW!

But enough complaining about failing media juggernauts, Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys is one of the creature feature films that will be premiering on Animal Planet (speaking of failing media juggernauts…), which has decided that nature can go screw itself and fake reality shows and killer monster movies are the future of nature documentaries. Sadly, the ratings are proving them right (okay, so they aren’t failing, just failing in their mission!)

Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys stars Shannon Doherty, Christopher Lloyd, and Jason Brooks. Brooks and Doherty are Mike and Cat, who have moved to the new town so Mike can help Mayor Akerman (Lloyd) deal with the lampreys. Yada yada yada, swipe from Jaws and bring buckets of blood. Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys airs May 25th. More information on Animal Planet’s sudden interest in becoming SyFy is available here.


Killer Lampreys, Zombie Cats – Is Animal Planet the future home of SyFy Creature Features?


Animal Planet has deviated from animals in recent years with lame tv shows like Finding Bigfoot (spoiler: they don’t) or ridiculous specials on Mermaids, which had two whole specials about how mermaids just may be real and also Animal Planet has been huffing too much glue. But enough on how stupid the Mermaids: The Body Found and Mermaids: The New Evidence are, and how the US government had to put out a press release saying mermaids aren’t real (This actually happened!), because now Animal Planet is airing original movies.

Most notably, they are airing Asylum’s Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys on Memorial Day, May 25th. Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys stars Shannon Doherty, Christopher Lloyd, and Jason Brooks as lampreys attack a Michigan town like lampreys are known to do.

Brooks and Doherty are Mike and Cat, who have moved to the new town so Mike can help Mayor Akerman (Lloyd) deal with the lampreys. Animal Planet series River Monsters star Jeremy Wade also appears, odds are he’s gonna get chomped to show how serious the situation is.

And that’s not all, there is something called Man-Eating Zombie Cats also airing on Animal Planet –

An incurable zombie-like pathogen is spreading fast, turning big cats around the world into fearless man killers. These mindless predators have a sensational thirst for blood and the human population is now their biggest target.

Basically, it’s The Corpse Grinders, except with tigers. I can’t find any other information about this…film?

And let’s not forget Nature’s Most Wanted, which will be a series where people look for man-eating crocodiles and alligators and things. I’m sure it will be a serious discussion about man’s encroachment upon nature and the lack of sufficient natural space for apex predators, and not a ridiculous farce.

All of the prior films are part of Monster Week, but…

That’s still not all, because Animal Planet has ordered another film called Revenge of the Whale, based on the tale that inspired Moby Dick and starring Martin Sheen!

Sheen will portray Thomas Nickerson, who tells a story about his life as a cabin boy on the ill-fated voyage of the whaling ship The Essex. The movie is a co-production with the BBC and reimagines what happened when the most hunted sea creature finally turned on its killers and fought back.

All of this I prefer to Animal Planet’s current programming, including a fake and animal mistreating show called Call of the Wildman that deserves to get a bunch of fuckos arrested for animal abuse.

So. Yeah. Animal Planet. Your new home for monster movies. After all, SyFy hasn’t aired a film all year (Bermuda Tentacles on April 12th will be their first all year!), so the diaspora must go somewhere. And with Animal Planet’s increasingly stupid programming, it is the perfect fit for killer zombie tigers.

Zombie Tigers

I would watch this film!

Zombie Tigers via PlasticAndPlush

Lamprey image via Wikimedia commons

The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure

Did you click on that trailer for The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure? Because if you did, you probably lost all your marbles at seeing these Teletubbies/Garbage Pail Kids things running around! But never fear, this is an actual film coming to actual theaters on August 29th (or as the marketing says, Oogust 29th!) Toni Braxton, Cloris Leachman, Christopher Lloyd, Chazz Palminteri, Cary Elwes, and Jamie Pressly all make appearances, along with you if you have kids under 5. Sorry, that’s just how it works. But if you’re going to have to go, you might as well get educated.

Find out about the Oogieloves:

Goobie Oogieloves

The Glo Worms have mutated and gained legs!

Goobie – Goobie is the most lovable inventor on the planet. Science is his passion, and he’s always got a creative and soundly engineered solution for practically any problem. Who else is able to make a refracting telescope from cereal boxes! He’s a lover of pickles, and not just because they taste so delectably good – they also inspire his most ingenious ideas. He’s always looking out for Zoozie and Toofie with endless patience and love. Goobie plays the guitar, and his favorite word is “scientastic”.

Goobie proves that the Professor from Gilligan’s Island got off the island at some point because he sired this guy!

Zoozie Oogieloves

She's come to eat the flowers

Zoozie – Zoozie is a lover of language – all language. She’s fluent in every single dialect that exists in the entire world, including both human and animal languages. This comes in handy when she, Goobie and Toofie need to ask directions from a gaggle of geese, or have a question for a chimpanzee. And she may be a fan of pink, sparkles and all things girlie, but she’s every bit the adventurer as the boys. Zoozie plays the keyboard, and her favorite word is “sparkeliciousness”.

Anyone find it weird she speaks all languages, but her favorite word isn’t a real word in any language?

Toofie Oogieloves

A rare photo of Toofie wearing pants...

Toofie – Toofie is fearless – he faces each and every obstacle with excitement and abandon. The youngest of the Oogieloves, he’s also the one most likely to get into…predicaments – like that time he tried to play catch, with a beehive! Toofie is the very best climber in all of LovelyLoveville. He’s able to climb absolutely anything he puts his mind to, no matter how tall. It’s no wonder that J. Edgar is always certain to say, “be careful, Toofie” whenever Toofie leaves the house. Toofie plays the drums, and his favorite word is “adventurific”.

Toofie spends much time with his pants down. Just think about that! I bet J. Edgar is always beating up that no good Toofie and throwing him in jail and wearing dresses and all that stuff.

Don’t worry, like Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, there are plenty of living objects: Ruffy the goldfish, Schluufy the pillow, Wendy Window, J. Edgar the vacuum cleaner, and probably others who don’t rate an about page on the website..

SO what’s the plot? I’m glad you asked because it obviously makes logical sense:

It’s Schluufy’s birthday, and the Oogieloves (Goobie, Zoozie and Toofie), along with their friends J. Edgar, Windy Window and Ruffy, are organizing a party. (Shh! It’s a secret.) Everything is going along just perfectly until J. Edgar trips and loses the last five magical balloons in all of Lovelyloveville–OH NO! The Oogiloves set out to find the magical balloons in time to save their friend’s party. Along the way, they meet some very interesting characters indeed, including Dotty Rounder (Cloris Leachman), Bobby Wobbly (Carey Elwes), Milky Marvin (Chazz Palminteri), Rosalie Rosebud (Toni Braxton) and Lola and Lero Sombero (Christopher Lloyd and Jaime Pressly). Can these new friends help them recover the magical balloons and get back to the cottage in time to celebrate Schluufy’s surprise birthday?

There is more on the Official Oogieloves website, with an embedded, repeating audio file that will eventually drive you mad and make you kill everyone you love. Carving “Oogieloves” into their chests.


One, two, Oogies coming for you...

Foodfight! will make you hate animation, food

Look at that! Just look at it.

Foodfight! is a name animation fans hear about once every two years, get confused about where they heard it, see and remember the images and promo trailer, and then laugh and laugh until the film news disappears for another two years. But the joke will finally be on us, as Foodfight! inches closer to getting a legitimate release. On DVD. In Europe.

For those of you who might be unfamiliar with Foodfight! (which is probably a lot of you as Foodfight! is really obscure), here is the story. In 2000, Larry Kasanoff decided he could do animated movies better than Pixar. So he got in a car with his buddy and drove around until they found an idea. I guess his wife also had him pick up some milk, because the idea turned out to be a supermarket, and all the products coming alive during the night. It was a detective story where Dex Dogtective and friends like to dance and have fun at the Copbanana club, until the mysterious Brand X moves next door. Kasanoff got a bunch of companies to pay for product placement (Charlie the Tuna, Mr. Clean, Cap’n Crunch, Chester Cheetah, Twinkie the Kid, the Energizer Bunny, the Brawny paper towel guy, and many more) and Threshold Entertainment was born! Foodfight! was targeted for a 2005 release (with distribution by Lions Gate), and Kasanoff was quoted bragging about how his animators were networked from all over the globe. There was also going to be a 3D animated prequel series called Foodfight!: The Adventures of Dex Dogtective.

But 2005 came and went with no release. 2006 came and went with no release. Fall 2007 was announced as the release time, but that also came and went with no Foodfight! In 2010, merchandise for Foodfight! was found at a store, but the film was still AWOL and no one had heard a peep since 2007. That article is also great because some of the animators show up to describe their experiences and about how little of the film was completed. According to the stories, the hard drives containing the film’s files were stolen in Christmas 2002.

Eventually, things fell apart even more, and in 2011 you could purchase what was completed of the film at auction! It looks like Boulevard Entertainment was the lucky winner, paying around $2.5 million (for a film rumored to have $50 million production costs) and dumping this thing on DVD. With a website that says “©2012 Fireman’s Fund Insurance Company.” Surely, quality, quality stuff.

So let’s quote the official site to bloat up this article even longer:

Charlie Sheen, Hilary Duff, Eva Longoria and Christopher Lloyd lend their unmistakable voices
to this computer-animated tale of a supermarket that ‘springs to life’ after the doors have been locked
and the workers have all gone home. When the lights are turned out chaos reigns for the ‘products’ in
this grocery store. The grocery store transforms into a city, and from every door of this city comes
two types of characters: well-known marketing icons and new characters…

This full-length CGI Movie features character/products including; Dex Dogtective (Charlie Sheen),
Sunshine Goodness (Hilary Duff) and Daredevil Dan (Wayne Brady). They all hang out at the Copa-
Banana in the produce section, but trouble is brewing within this bustling metropolis. When the villainous
Lady X (Eva Longoria) arrives in town with her Brand X minions, the brand-named products start to get
a little hot under the label. As sleuthing U.S.D.A. (United Supermarkets Defense Association) –
Dex Dogtective teams up with flying stunt squirrel Daredevil Dan and the beautiful Sunshine Goodness
to uncover the truth about these unmarked invaders, it begins to appear that the only way to fend off
the dreaded Brand X is to engage them in an all-out, no-holds-barred FoodFight!…

(please note that this is the second official site, as Threshold Entertainment’s original site is as dead as the dream to make Pixar 2.0 is.)

One thing that is weird is seeing who was hot way back in 2000, and knowing what their careers have done since then. Some have had almost as crazy a ride as Foodfight! I do think that Sunshine Goodness will become a cult figure among crazed furries, so they got that going for them.

Stories about Foodfight! dating back to 2000!


Attack of the Public Domain Source Movies!

Since Harry Potter is winding down, Twilight has hit the last book as well, and recent franchise attempts have produced a string of failures (I’m looking at you, Percy Jackson & the Olympians!), Hollywood is instead looking to the public domain to find the next big thing! Just think about it: no one to pay author royalties to. A familiar brand. Other, classic films that you can leech off of. Little creative risk. More money from Satan. It’s a wonder we haven been flooded with 50 Snow White movies a year for the past two decades!

Let’s start with the biggest offender, the Wizard of Oz, who will be giving us an impressive 9 films (so far) in the next 2 years.

Oz, the Great and Powerful
This is a prequel of sorts from Disney, with James Franco signed on to play the Wizard in his pre-Oz days in a traveling circus and subsequent entrance to Oz. Sam Raimi is directing and Joe Roth (whose name will show up here a lot) is producing. Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz, Michelle Williams, and Zach Braff also star.

The Witches of Oz
Leigh Scott (of Transmorphers fame!) directs this modern day version where famous children’s author Dorothy Gale finds out her books were based on repressed childhood memories. Sean Astin, Christopher Lloyd, Billy Boyd, and Lance Henriksen star, hopefully none of them play Dorothy! We’re in luck, because it’s this chick, Paulie Rojas
Preview here
The Witches of Oz

Tom and Jerry and the Wizard of Oz
An animated Direct-to-Blu-Ray film featuring the cat and mouse team getting their Oz on.

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
This is John Boorman’s CGI version that was supposed to come out a year ago.

Dark Oz
Based on the Calibre Comics series, where Dorothy returns to Oz to find Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion have all gone evil. Pearry Teo directs, the budget is $40 million, Marjorie Jean plays someone named Scraps, and they’ve promised to yank concepts from the 1939 film (like black and white vs color) and Return to Oz.

Surrender Dorothy
Drew Barrymore is fresh off the success of Whip It (ha!) to direct this sequel where Dorothy’s great-great-granddaughter uses the ruby slippers (not in the original book, btw) to fight the Wicked Witch, who is somehow not dead. Zach Helm writes.

Dorothy of Oz
Another animated film supposed to drop in 2012.

L. Frank Baum’s the Wonderful Wizard of Oz
Another damn adaptation of the original novel (there’s 40 Oz books to choose from, people!) directed by Clayton Spinney and written by Sean Gates. The CGI and live action mix reminds me of a low-budget fan film. I can’t get the preview video to play, so here are two creepy promo images:

Wicked is a book that is a reinterpretation of the Oz series that became a hit musical that has been in talks to become a film forever. But before that happens, we’ll get a tv miniseries based solely on the novel from Salma Hayek’s production company!

There are currently 3 Snow White films worming their way through production:

The Brothers Grimm: Snow White
Directed by Tarsem Singh (The Cell, the upcoming Immortals), this entry is a “dark twist on the classic fairy tale, in which Snow White and the seven dwarfs look to reclaim their destroyed kingdom. ” Featuring Julia Roberts as the Evil Queen and Lily Collins as Snow White. Nathan Lane is also in it, and dwarf names include: Half-Pint, Teach, Renbock, Grub, and Stench.

Snow White and the Huntsman
Universal has their own Snow White, and it has Kristen Stewart fresh off of birthing a vampire baby! Besides Stewart as Snow White, Chris Hemsworth is the Huntsman, and Charlize Theron is the Evil Queen. As for the dwarfs, it’s like a whole pack of awesome with Ian McShane, Eddie Izzard, Bob Hoskins, Toby Jones, Eddie Marsan, Stephen Graham, and Ray Winstone. Joe Roth produces this as well. The dwarf names are: Caesar, Claudius, Tiberius, Constantine, Nero, Trajan, and Hadrian. Rupert Sanders will direct (his debut)

Snow and the Seven
You’ll have to wait until 2013 for the long-awaited Disney’s Snow and the Seven, the Kung Fu version of Snow White where she goes to 1800s China for some reason and 7 warriors take the place of the dwarfs. Michael Arndt (Toy Story 3) is writing the newest draft, and the director attached is Francis Lawrence (I Am Legend)

Wash down your three Snow Whites with four Peter Pan films and one miniseries:

The.Never.Land has the dumbest name of the four films, and predictably they’re trying to make it a Twilight version of Peter Pan as Peter acts all creepy and Wendy sleepwalks her way through her role… John Swetnam wrote the script.

Untitled Peter Pan Project
This yet to be titled version is a “family adventure” from the producers of Wedding Crashers and some guy named Jeff Rake.

For some reason, Pan is the hottest commodity of them all, where Peter Pan and Captain Hook are brothers. Channing Tatum will play the most believable boy who never grew up you ever did see! Joe Roth makes his third appearance on this page as producer, and the writer Billy Ray.

This time Peter Pan is evil and kidnapping boys, and Captain Hook must stop him. Aaron Henry and Kirk Kjeldsen were the writers who realized there was little else to do but flip the script.

Yes, another Neverland, this one a SyFy prequel miniseries with Keira Knightley as Tinker Bell

And here are some one-shots:

Great Expectations
Mike Newell will be directing this straight adaptation, with Jeremy Irvine and Helena Bonham Carter in negotiations. Producers are Stephen Woolley and Elizabeth Karlsen.

Mr. Pip
Sort of related is the adaptation of the novel Mr. Pip by Lloyd Jones. The novel’s plot involves reading Great Expectations and mirrors part of the story. Hugh Laurie stars and Andrew Adamson (director of Shrek 1&2 and Chronicles of Narnia 1&2) directs.

Dark Little Mermaid
This “dark” Little Mermaid version is also based on Mermaid: A Twist on the Classic Tale by Carolyn Turgeon, where there is a love triangle or something. Expect this to get Twilighted the frak up like that Red Riding Hood movie did. Shana Feste will write and direct, and Tobey Maguire and Jenno Topping produce.