[adrotate banner=”1″]Did you see what I did with that dumb article title? Hasbro’s Ouija movie is back from the dead. Previously, Universal Pictures dumped all their upcoming Hasbro films, but has now agreed to go forward with Ouija thanks to it transforming into a low-budget horror film! McG was to direct a $100 million version (how in the freaking frak??) Don’t worry, another expensive director, Michael Bay, is still sort of attached as his Platinum Dunes company is co-producing. Besides Hasbro, the third co-production company is Blumhouse Productions/Jason Blum, the guy who brought us Paranormal Activity. Which had a Ouija board in it. Spooky. So spooky, it’s time to break out the Ouija board and ask the great Al-Shabbathazzar how badly the Ouija movie will be spelled on theater marquis! We need to sacrifice 13 worms before we make contact, so I’ll be right back…
This Means War
Written by Timothy Dowling, Simon Kinberg, and Marcus Gautesen
Directed by McG
Captain Kirk and Captain Picard’s evil clone battle for the heart of Legally Blonde! Yes, once again Tars has sold out and seen a movie in advance for free. This time, it’s the romantic comedy This Means War, where once again secret spies date hot chicks who know nothing about it, until getting involved in whatever spy stuff is happening in the third act. The twist is there are TWO spy guys who both want the hot chick and compete to be the best of the best of the best. Sure, it’s by the numbers, predictable at points, filled with wacky hijinks, and the action scenes aren’t given enough budge to be memorable in the slightest, but is it good? Meh. There are a few scenes that are hilarious, but the rest of the film is a mess of boring, stupid, or generic. This Means War is never going to top True Lies in the action department, so it shouldn’t even bother. I did not see Knight and Day, but from the reviews the action at least seems continual. This Means War features long sequences of our heroes riding their desks at the office after the brief beginning fight until the last act, so the weight of the film rests entirely on the romantic aspect of the story. That would probably be okay if we hadn’t felt like we’d already seen everything before.
FDR Foster and Tuck are CIA agents who in the opening sequence shoot up some bad guys and end up killing one brother of two, the second escaping and vowing revenge. We don’t know much about this guy except he’s bad, so forget about him. Tuck is a British CIA agent (whaaa?) who is divorced with a young son, while FDR is a playboy who has sex with anything that moves and anything that might move if it’s placed on a slope. As FDR’s wife is only hinted at dating again, but a boyfriend never presents himself as a threat, I can see the future clearer than the time I shoved crystal balls in my eyes and was banned from that Wiccan store downtown. Little do they know how many million$ I won from the lottery!