Asylum’s Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys trailer

Blood Lake Attack of the Killer Lampreys

Needs more blood and more lake

[adrotate banner=”1″]The trailer for Asylum’s Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys has been posted by Entertainment Weakly, which deserves the derisive nickname for assigning the article to a writer who doesn’t even know what the heck a lamprey is, and spends a whole paragraph copying from Wikipedia. Good job there, that money you saved from firing your film critics is paying off in dividends, EW!

But enough complaining about failing media juggernauts, Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys is one of the creature feature films that will be premiering on Animal Planet (speaking of failing media juggernauts…), which has decided that nature can go screw itself and fake reality shows and killer monster movies are the future of nature documentaries. Sadly, the ratings are proving them right (okay, so they aren’t failing, just failing in their mission!)

Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys stars Shannon Doherty, Christopher Lloyd, and Jason Brooks. Brooks and Doherty are Mike and Cat, who have moved to the new town so Mike can help Mayor Akerman (Lloyd) deal with the lampreys. Yada yada yada, swipe from Jaws and bring buckets of blood. Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys airs May 25th. More information on Animal Planet’s sudden interest in becoming SyFy is available here.


Asteroid vs. Earth in Asylum’s latest scifi thriller!

[adrotate banner=”1″]If you aren’t thrilled by asteroids threatening the planet, then feel free to skip on by, because those of us who are won’t want to miss a thing about the new film Asteroid vs. Earth!

When a shower of massive meteors threatens Earth’s inhabitants with extinction, the world’s greatest minds devise a dangerous plan that will tilt the planet off its axis to avoid the impact.

Yes, you read that right. Instead of going to the asteroid and blowing it up, they’re going to TILT THE FREAKING EARTH! This is some hardcore crazy outside the box thinking, and I’m pretty sure this hasn’t been done before. Tia Carrere stars, along with Robert Davi, Jason Brooks, and Tukov himself, Tim Russ. Christopher Ray (2-Headed Shark Attack) directs, and Adam Lipsius writes (this is his first feature) How are they going to move the Earth? I don’t know, but I hope it involves really big skateboards.

The Asteroid vs Earth Blu-ray is available on Amazon(affiliate link) It hits the street on April 29th!

The real question is who would win in a four-way matchup, Asteroid vs Earth vs Airlane vs Volcano? A question that will haunt us, until we remember that Sharknado would destroy them all!

via Asylum
Asteroid vs Earth

Killer Lampreys, Zombie Cats – Is Animal Planet the future home of SyFy Creature Features?

[adrotate banner=”1″]Animal Planet has deviated from animals in recent years with lame tv shows like Finding Bigfoot (spoiler: they don’t) or ridiculous specials on Mermaids, which had two whole specials about how mermaids just may be real and also Animal Planet has been huffing too much glue. But enough on how stupid the Mermaids: The Body Found and Mermaids: The New Evidence are, and how the US government had to put out a press release saying mermaids aren’t real (This actually happened!), because now Animal Planet is airing original movies.

Most notably, they are airing Asylum’s Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys on Memorial Day, May 25th. Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys stars Shannon Doherty, Christopher Lloyd, and Jason Brooks as lampreys attack a Michigan town like lampreys are known to do.

Brooks and Doherty are Mike and Cat, who have moved to the new town so Mike can help Mayor Akerman (Lloyd) deal with the lampreys. Animal Planet series River Monsters star Jeremy Wade also appears, odds are he’s gonna get chomped to show how serious the situation is.

And that’s not all, there is something called Man-Eating Zombie Cats also airing on Animal Planet –

An incurable zombie-like pathogen is spreading fast, turning big cats around the world into fearless man killers. These mindless predators have a sensational thirst for blood and the human population is now their biggest target.

Basically, it’s The Corpse Grinders, except with tigers. I can’t find any other information about this…film?

And let’s not forget Nature’s Most Wanted, which will be a series where people look for man-eating crocodiles and alligators and things. I’m sure it will be a serious discussion about man’s encroachment upon nature and the lack of sufficient natural space for apex predators, and not a ridiculous farce.

All of the prior films are part of Monster Week, but…

That’s still not all, because Animal Planet has ordered another film called Revenge of the Whale, based on the tale that inspired Moby Dick and starring Martin Sheen!

Sheen will portray Thomas Nickerson, who tells a story about his life as a cabin boy on the ill-fated voyage of the whaling ship The Essex. The movie is a co-production with the BBC and reimagines what happened when the most hunted sea creature finally turned on its killers and fought back.

All of this I prefer to Animal Planet’s current programming, including a fake and animal mistreating show called Call of the Wildman that deserves to get a bunch of fuckos arrested for animal abuse.

So. Yeah. Animal Planet. Your new home for monster movies. After all, SyFy hasn’t aired a film all year (Bermuda Tentacles on April 12th will be their first all year!), so the diaspora must go somewhere. And with Animal Planet’s increasingly stupid programming, it is the perfect fit for killer zombie tigers.

Zombie Tigers

I would watch this film!

Zombie Tigers via PlasticAndPlush

Lamprey image via Wikimedia commons

Asylum gives us Age of the Hobbits and some Buddies

[adrotate banner=”1″]Movie concept improvers The Asylum got profiled again, this time by the LA Times (in an article that mentions many other knockoff/mockbuster studios) and there was a nice tidbit about one of their upcoming films that was news to everyone:

That’s why the Asylum is sending a small crew to Cambodia to shoot what could be the hottest drafting opportunity title of the holiday season: “Age of the Hobbits.” If all goes well, the disc will be stocked in Redbox kiosks before director Peter Jackson’s”The Hobbit” hits theaters in December.

Yes, a Hobbit mockbuster! Filmed in Cambodia, of all places! Age of the Hobbits has the potential to be awesometacular!

Speaking of awesometacular, the Air Bud/Air Buddies series has given us 12 entries so far (including spinoff films) but what it hasn’t produced is a wave of immitators that have staying power. That may change when The Asylum comes to town, because they’re also doing their own golden retreiver puppies series, Golden Winter! And thanks to the winter theme, it can easily be sequelized to different seasons without missing a beat! Featuring Shannon Elizabeth and Haylie Duff, the film will feature a kid who befriends some puppies and then they stop a bank robbery. Maybe this will be puppy Home Alone too? Tom Seidman writes and directs. Clearly Haylie Duff proves she’s the superior Duff sister. No, that wasn’t a joke, by the way. She voices Rory the puppy leader.

Golden Winter

We're not buddies, in fact, we all hate each other and you!