Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by Austin Brooks
The best birthday ever!
! We all know the song, we all jam it up on the radio, we all sang it ironically on our birthdays and then moved on to some other song. And now, Birthday Sex
is also a softcore flick from our friends at Mainline Releasing, your home for movies that often have more to say than what they appear.
It’s Mia’s 25th birthday! Which is cool because she gets a parade of birthday presents that suddenly become terrible presents and her whole outlook on life changes and this birthday becomes the worst birthday ever that’s also the best birthday ever in the long run. Mia’s 25th is time for her to hit a crossroads, where much is made about how she suddenly wants to grow up and be responsible and boring, while her current boyfriend Tyler just wants to live life and party. Now, I’m not going to get into a big discussion about when it is okay to settle down and when you should still be up all night to the sun for good fun, because each person has their own journey in life. 25 is enough time to have had fun, and to be aware of yourself enough to know what you want in life, though that is far from a requirement at that age (and Lord knows I had no clue and am still winging it years later!)
GRRRR!! No one mocks my green earthenware tea set that matches my jacket and green apple paintings!
Obviously, Mia took the Jimmy Eat World line from Praise Chorus
seriously, that “even at 25, you gotta start sometime” One wonders if she though no one liked her at age 23 when she was amused by tv shows. One interesting aspect that may be a coincidence or may be on purpose, is that the actress playing Mia has a butterfly tattoo, and later you see butterfly posters on the wall. Symbolically, the butterfly is the mature form, released from the cocoon, while Mia’s journey sees her growing up and becoming the mature form of Mia. She leaves behind her caterpillar boyfriend Tyler to go hang with the fellow butterflies and the flowers.
Packed in this crisis of lifestyle choices are Mia’s two friends, the party girl Kristen (who is crushing on Tyler) and the bitter Sara (who hates all men because she was dumped once!) Never fear, a love interest surfaces in nice guy Simon, but will he and Mia get together, or will all these roommates and different goals and hormones get in the way of a love of the ages. Birthday Sex, surprisingly romantic despite the raunchy title and late night Cinemax air dates.
Tina Hawthorne is rapidly becoming my favorite softcore film writer, to the point where I’m now seeking out some of her films. I don’t know if she’s a real person or just a pen name, but the writing is good, nevertheless. (she also wrote Naughty Reunion, which dealt a lot with the relationships between the various high school stereotypes.) Director Austin Brooks also helmed Sexual Quest, which was another film more about relationships in a marriage than the actual sex, which there was a lot of.
The “I Kicked That Guy Out and Now Feel Guilty Pose” is only for advanced yoga enthusiasts.
|Mia (Amber Rayne) – Our birthday girl who does the titular birthday sex, then promptly breaks up with her boyfriend and has a sort of quarter-life crisis trying to figure out what she wants in life. Amber Rayne’s acting ability increases with the quality of the actors she’s opposite of. She’s like some sort of acting sponge. Another ear or two and she’ll be holding her own with mainstream stars. Amber Rayne was also in something called Black in the Crack: Black in the Back 2.
|Simon (Brandon Ruckdashel) – Mia’s coworker who has been crushing on her since forever. Is a nice dude, thus Sara targets him for destruction. Brandon Ruckdashel continues to be an awesome actor, see more of him in Cougar School and The Sex Spirit.
|Kristen (Sadie Katz) – Mia’s roommate who has the hots for her boyfriend, Tyler. Luckily, Mia and Tyler ain’t together no more 15 minutes into the film, leaving a romance option open. Which is sort of bad for Mia, because it happens the same day in the same house, which is her birthday. But it all works out in the end. Sadie Katz wrote the upcoming film Scorned.
|Sara (Misty Anderson) – Bitter roommate of Mia who hasn’t gotten over being dumped by her ex and now hates all men. She attempts to prove she’s not so bad by sleeping with and then instantly rejecting her yoga teacher Mike. Then she wants to take down Simon. Will this ice queen ever thaw?
|Tyler (Kenneth Blake) – Mia’s boyfriend who isn’t ready to commit or do anything serious, and it takes an act of extreme bravery on his part to even offer her a key. Thus, they’re dumped, he feels sad until Kristen offers to brighten his mood. The Inaccurate Movie DataBase seems to think Kenneth Blake has only been in one other film, Online Crush.
|Mona Landers (Tanya Tate) – Owns Mona Landers Publicity, where Mia and Simon work. I’m not sure what Mona does there except have sex with Frank and order Mia and Simon to do work. But I guess it’s good to be the king. She has an odd accent that made it hard to follow what was going on. Tanya Tate is also in Strap Attack 14: The Rules Have Changed.
|Frank (Alan Stafford) – Employee at Mona Landers Publicity, whose job it is to landers Mona all the time. Also he’s a messenger or something. But unofficially he’s a dude who gets it on. Alan Stafford is also in Horat: The Sexual Learnings of America for Make Benefit Beautiful Nation of Kaksuckistan.
|Mike (Ryan Driller as Jeremy Bilding) – Sara’s yoga instructor, one of those yoga instructors who come to your house to your special yoga room for one-on-one sessions. Does Sara even have a job? How can she afford all this? Anyway, Mike and Sara do some unofficial yoga positions while naked, and despite her rejecting him right afterwards, they end up together at the end because of yoga power. Ryan Driller is also in MILF Massage Team.
Extra whip? You pervert!