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Ninja Cheerleaders
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Ninja Cheerleaders (Review)

January 9, 2009By

Ninja Cheerleaders


2008
Directed and written by David Presley

Ninjas and cheerleaders go together like peanut butter and scotch tape, except now I need a new awkward comparison because Ninja Cheerleaders isn’t that bad of a film. There are a few problems, such as pacing, padding, and pointless stuff; but besides the three P’s, it holds together pretty well. It also has George Takei, who is awesome, but fails to give us cheerleader ninja nudity, instead it is just random strippers who look as fake as a Sorny TV. Writer and director David Presley did an okay job for a low-budget picture like this. So pay attention to this film, because it is filled with hot chicks. And stuff happens. But mostly hot chicks with swords and butt being kicked. Because that is what makes movies great.

Courtney (Trishelle Cannatella) – – Age: 19, Sign: Leo, Favorite Band: LA Philharmonic, Favorite Book: Black Holes and Time Warps by Kip Thorne, Favorite Move: Open palmed nose punch. Courtney comes from a bad home but has risen above all of that to become a ninja cheerleader and to make it into an Ivy League school. Guess which one of these actresses you can find naked pictures of on the internet?
April (Ginny Weirick) – – Age: 18, Sign: Aires, Favorite Band: The Killers, Favorite Book: The Art of War, Favorite Move: Throat/groin combo. The most serious of the three girls, and the one most likely to beat you up for being male. Seriously. She’s sneaking up on you right now!
Monica (Maitland McConnell) – – – Age: 18, Sign: Scorpio, Favorite Band: The Strokes, Favorite Book: Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk, Favorite Move: spinning side kick. The free spirit who always has a smile on her face. what kind of name is Maitland?
Hiroshi (George Takei) –George Takei is freaking George Takei! George Takei is awesome! Sure, he plays some dude named Hiroshi who is a ninja sensie and a strip club owner, but he’s really George Takei, and that’s all that matters! George Takei was last heard (but not seen) here giving voices for the English dub of Godzilla Raids Again (Gigantis the Fire Monster).
Victor Lazzaro (Michael Paré) –Michael Paré takes a break from starring in the cinematic horror that is Uwe Boll films (BloodRayne for one) and instead flexes his acting talents here as mob boss Victor Lazzaro. Keep on flexing.
Kinji (Natasha Chang) –The evil girl fighter you need for these movies, except it is not really fair, as she is but one against three. Or four, since she ends up fighting George Takei in the end. No one can defeat George Takei.
Detective Harris (Larry Poindexter) – Goateed cop who spends most of the film one step behind the girls, yet isn’t so slow he doesn’t realize they are up to ninja highjinks. Has an unfortunate encounter with Kinji. Is the guy interviewing the girls for the interspersed interview segments.


Lethal Angels
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Lethal Angels (Review)

December 22, 2008By

Lethal Angels

aka Mor gwai tin si

2006
Directed and written by Wai-Man Cheng

Hong Kong used to have some of the best action films in the world. Than the bottom fell out of the industry, due to several factors (a rash of bad films, talent leak to the US, influx of flash over substance, etc.) and terrible junk began streaming from Hong Kong like diarrhea from a sick newborn. The problem was compounded due to the rise of South Korea as a cinematic powerhouse about the same time. Still, Hong Kong kept coming out with horrid junk such as Naked Weapon and soon their films became irrelevant. But then as few good films such as Infernal Affairs and Shaolin Soccer caught on in the US. Inspired, a few films from Hong Kong dared to increase in quality. There was still plenty of junk, but now the junk flew less freely, and moments of actual good filmmaking crept in. Still, moments of weakness are rampant, and films like this thrive in those moments. An unmemorable action thriller in the same veins as Naked Killer and Naked Weapon, Lethal Angels even was tentatively titled Naked Avengers and at one point. It now sports a title that is a throwback to earlier female action films, back when they all had “Angel” in the title. Yet they all look like action masterpieces compared to this dreck (and some of them were action masterpieces, but that’s another article.)

Problems abound in Lethal Angels. From uncharismatic characters to lethargic action sequences, the excitement never seems to get going, stalled like my car’s engine in -30 degree weather. Even the gunplay gets dull, and the CG muzzle flashes are obviously fake and very distracting. Never try to make an action sequence where cartoons get plastered all over it at random. That’s your tip of the day. Female action is supposed to be sexy and exciting, not dull. How can you make it dull? And yet, time and time again, I encounter films that can’t put together an exciting action sequence to save their lives. This movie is DOA, watching it is lethal and you will become an angel.

Yoyo/Mango (Tin Sum as Tien Hsin) – Our heroine and female assassin is a mild-mannered girl who one day saw her entire family killed by the Triads after they found out she was going to watch Hitchcock’s Notorious and/or her dad was going to testify against them. After being saved by Winnie, joins the assassin squad until she runs into her former boyfriend, who is now a cop. So she turns good. Tien Hsin is probably best known over here for her minor role in The Duel, and with her making movies like this, that will be all she’s known for.
Winnie (Jewel Lee as Jewel Li Fei) – Madam Winnie is are archetype female assassin trainer who is a former assassin herself. She’s brought to life here by Jewel Lee, who played the role of one of the female assassins in Naked Weapon. The circle is now complete, the student is the teacher.
Emma (Cherrie Ying Choi-Yi as Cherrie In) – Her character has zero motivation, we know little to nothing about her or why she suddenly turns on her master. Yet she does, and also inexplicably winds up with Big Guts. Her character is deadly with a shovel, she must have worked at the Shaolin Temple as a gravedigger. Cherrie In has been in a lot of films the past few years. I’d list some but then I’d just steal the joy from those who like to Google. Okay, fine, Election and Rob-B-Hood.
Dora (Viva Wei as Wei Hua) – Her name is Dora, but she’s no explorer, she’s a crazy killer who will rip out your guts and hit a 9.5 on the Orgasm Scale while doing it. Don’t mess with this woman unless you like breathing through holes in your neck. Killed by a hail of cops bullets.
Macy (Meme Tian Pu-Jun) – The other evil girl also gets little back story, except how she was turned out by the evil Triad Big Eyes. She also is killed because she’s evil and they never win. Is never seen shopping at Macy*s.
Big Guts aka Darren (Jordan Chan Siu-Chun) – Veteran cop who is a big braggart. Ends up with Emma because sometimes you just gotta write a bad script. Jordan Chan is famous for the Young and Dangerous movies, and he was also in Haunted Office
Jet (Andy On Chi-Kit) – Young cop who knew Mango/YoYo before she became an assassin. Is single-handedly responsible for a Hitchcock film running for thirty years straight in Hong Kong due to all the girlfriends he takes. Can’t dance. Can’t play basketball. The only thing about him is the way he walks.

Angel Enforcers
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Angel Enforcers (Review)

November 9, 2008By

Angel Enforcers

aka Wong ga fei fung

1989
Directed by Hoh Chi Mau (probably Godfrey Ho)

Another in the long line of female action movies from Hong Kong, this uses the Angel name in its title despite being unrelated to Angel. The 1989 release date puts it near the beginnings of the movement, so it was released before the genre became fully saturated and the public moved on to different interests. That doesn’t mean it is a good film, but it is entertaining, lots of people end up getting shot, and main characters don’t even make it through the end of the film! What is weird is the film seems billed as a group of four female cops, but two of them have roles that are less substantial than minor characters in the film. It is what we would call “crazy”. The film is directed by Hoh Chi Mau, but this is the only film he is listed as directing, and on the dubbed trailer Godfrey Ho is listed as director(!) so this is probably just another of his pseudonyms. Previous Godfrey Ho encounters on TarsTarkas.NET include Robo Vampire (since proved NOT Godrey Ho), Catman in Lethal Track, Catman in Boxers Blow, and Deadly Target; so you can see why we are not too pleased to run into him again. Keep in mind that sometimes Godfrey Ho’s name showed up as director of films he didn’t do after Joseph Lai’s company released them (one noticeable example is Wolf Devil Woman, really directed by Pearl Cheung Ling.) Angel Enforcers is supposed to be out on DVD, but all we have is a subtitled, tore up VHS (and as those DVDs are just sourced from VHS, so we aren’t that far behind in quality) so that’s what we got screencaps from. Heck, maybe I’ll upgrade to Laserdisc next! The Inaccurate Movie DataBase is all over the map on the cast listing here, throwing in all sorts of actors and actresses that are nowhere near this film. But that’s what happens when you let the general public edit things. Enough complaining, we must get with the non-stop Hong Kong action! Cops shooting, criminals being evil, people dying, and women kicking butt!

First let’s meet our characters….

Yvonne (Sharon Yeung Pan Pan) – The main character does the best stunts, including unrealistic jump work during gun battles, and falling off of moving cars. When her partner is killed, she goes for revenge. Pan Pan Yeung starred in many action films through the mid-1990s, and was also seen here in Deadly Target
Marianne (Aan Lee) – Female cop and a real Angel Enforcer. Partner and friend of Yvonne, and committed to justice. Shoots Lethal Weapon 1, thus inspiring Lethal Weapon 2 to try to kill her. Is the daughter of police officer Uncle Dan and has a sister named Winnie. All three of them get exploded at various parts of the film.
Lethal Weapon 2 (Dick Wei) – Partner of Lethal Weapon 1, LW2 doesn’t get a name during the entire film! What the heck, as he is the main villain! That’s lame. LW2 is on a vendetta against Marianne for killing Lethal Weapon 1, despite Mr. Big trying to make him wait for things to cool down a bit before seeking revenge.
Lethal Weapon 1 /Larry (Phillip Ko) – One of the two hired guns recruited by Mr. Big to kill undercover cop Ben, LW1 tries to do the job himself to protect his partner and ends up getting killed, inspiring Lethal Weapon 2 to seek revenge. Prolific actor Phillip Ko was also seen here in Deadly Target
Mr. Big (Ha Chi Chun)- Mr. Big is the mastermind of crime in Hong Kong. Mr. Big is also a girl! There is a bird skeleton on Mr. Big’s desk, which probably is an interesting story in itself, and adds to the character’s charm. Ha Chi Chun is also known as Ha Chia Ling or Ha Chi-Jan depending on which translation you use, and is probably best known for being in Erotic Ghost Story.
Topless white girl (???) – She’s white, she’s topless, she mixes drinks with her breasts, and she invites gay porn stars to rape local businessmen. She’s an Angel Enforcer of her own, except she’s enforcing evil!
Cop girl 3 (Chiu Wai-Ling) – Member of the Angel Enforcer B Squad, Cop Girl 3 gets no real name (except one spelled out in Chinese characters that I can’t read) and is barely in the film after the opening scene, until returning for the ending. Absolutely nothing interesting about her.
Cop girl 4 (Kitty Meng Chui) – Member of the Angel Enforcer B Squad, Cop Girl 4 gets no real name (except one spelled out in Chinese characters that I can’t read) and is barely in the film after the opening scene, until returning for the ending. And a random fight in the park. Absolutely nothing interesting about her.
String Bean Sodomist (???) – One of the “blue movie stars from Hollywood” called in to ravage Mr. Cho. Looks like someone excavated his body, leaving only a skeleton. His hair has seemed to have slipped off the top of his head and is hanging on in beard form. Mr. Cho is never seen again after encountering String Bean Sodomist and his black partner, one can only assume the three moved to the Bay Area to settle.

Dangerous Flowers
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dangerous Flowers (Review)

October 15, 2008By

Dangerous Flowers

aka Chai lai

2006
Directed by Poj Arnon

Charlie’s Angels left a legacy of countless imitators. The original series spawned many copycats, and the recent movies also spawned copies. As the new movies decided to be action comedies, so did many of the copycat movies. And since the new movies decided to not be very good, the copycats decided to one-up them and be even worse! One of those copies is reviewed here today. The 2006 film from Thailand was originally entitled Chai Lais or Chai Lais Angels, and eventually became known as Dangerous Flowers. I wonder what the “Chai Lai” trying to sound like… Charlie’s Angels copies from Asia are vary common, we even reviewed Asian Charlie’s Angels a while back. We get five beautiful Thai women who fight crime, fail at their missions, and blow stuff up. The film begs you to not take it seriously, yet then throws in a few people getting killed violently just to screw with you.

The film has a few quirks in the subtitles, firstly they refer to the girls as “chai Lais”, notice how the first letter of chai is not capitalized. It never is, but the L in Lai is always capitalized. I don’t know what that means, but it probably means something stupid. So we’ll got with it for the entire review. Take that, bad subtitles!

We got five Angels, excuse me, FLOWERS, who we will just hit the Roll Call for now, as well as the peripheral characters. The film is forgettable, unexceptional, and nothing you haven’t seen before. Unless you are blind, in which case you probably aren’t reading this anyway. Or are you?

Kulap/Goolab CODENAME: Rose (Bongkoj Khongmalai) – chai Lai agent, the rich fashionable one. Is dating a guy named Gud, who is pretty good, good enough to become her fiancée. Affectionately known as Tuk, Bongkoj Khongmalai holds the number 10 spot as FHM Thailand’s sexiest lady. She starred in Tom Yum Goong and was embroiled in a naked picture scandal which wasn’t that big of a deal as the actual nudes weren’t released so don’t waste your Google time.
Bua CODENAME: Lotus (Supaksorn Chaimongkol) – Supaksorn Chaimongkol is nicknamed Kratae (which means chipmunk – are there even chipmunks in Thailand?) Voted number 11 on FHM Thailand’s sexiest woman list. So we only have numbers 10 and 11 in this film? Totally lame!
Chaba CODENAME: Hibiscus (Jintara Poonlarp) – The ugly chai Lai. We aren’t calling her this, the film treats her like it’s an amazing achievement she gets a boyfriend. Totally lame, Thailand. Jintara Poonlarp is a famous luk tung singer. In fact, she’s my favorite luk tung singer. And that’s not just because she’s the only luk tung singer I know.
Pouy-sian CODENAME: Crown of Thorns (Kessarin Ektawatkul) – Every other flower name the subtitles translate into common names, but as Pouy-sian’s flower’s name is Crown of Thorns, the subtitles opt for laziness and leave her as Pouy-sian. Lame. Kessarin Ektawatkul is Thailand’s former National Tae Kwon Do Champion, also starred in the remake of Born to Fight.
Na-wua CODENAME: Spadix (Bunyawan Pongsuwan) – Bunyawan Pongsuwan is the only one of the five chai-Lais to not rate a Wikipedia page. Or hardly any Google links. So she is a mystery. I’ll start a rumor that she refuses to eat spinach because she worships it. And if she ever gets a Wikipedia page I’ll just edit that in. No longer a mystery, are you, Pongsuwan?
Tony Jeng (Petchtai Wongkamlao) – The chai Lais’ handler is the Bosley guy of our group, probably named Tony Jeng but I’m not 100% because these subtitles were wack. The Charlie he works for is probably named Mr. Somsak, which also sounds lame and he’s only voiced in like once, so what’s the point? Tony Jeng wears a different wig in every scene he’s in, which might be a weak attempt at a running gag. Petchtai Wongkamlao is better known as Mum Jokmok, but of course you knew that.
King Kong (Wanasak Srilar) – More than meets the eye, if you catch my drift. If you don’t catch my drift, she’s got a wang, you dolt! King Kong ain’t got nothing on me! ‘Twas beauty killed the beast.
Miki (?????) – Daughter of the Keeper of the Pearl, kidnapped by Dragon because she knows the location of the pearl. Eventually joins the chai Lais thanks to the lack of minor labor laws in Thailand. But it beats being sold into sex slavery.
Ms. Mei Ling (????) – married to Miki’s father despite keeping her Chinese last name and also being evil. I dunno if she was still married but it looked like it in the beginning. So do a background check on your wife, people. She may be an evil henchwoman looking for a magical pearl that only you know the location of.
Dragon (???) – The evil boss who gets mad all the time, dresses in suits that were only in style around 1985, and has a son with Downs syndrome that doesn’t even factor into the plot about trying to find a valuable pearl. Talk about your missed opportunities to give him motivation.
Kathleen (Salani Chachacha?) – Crazy assistant to King Kong, cross-eyed and bad aim. Dresses like a blind hooker in Paris Hilton’s retro closet. Secretly a good agent, because the script said so. Or something. I don’t care.

Cool Dimension
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Cool Dimension (Review)

October 6, 2008By

Cool Dimension

aka Kûru dimenshon

2006
Directed by Ishii Yoshikazu
Written by Sato Midori and Yamamoto Norihisa

Three sexy Japanese girls with guns and leather costumes kill a bunch of people. You’d think that would make a good film, and you’d be wrong! I don’t know how they did it, but they managed to squeeze almost the entire life out of a picture that should have been fun and over the top. Instead, it is a constant bore, more depressing than a kitten with AIDS, and somehow manages to make the brisk 70 minute running time feel like four hours. The general plot is some sort of f-ed up version of Charlie’s Angels, except they just kill people and sit around in various vaguely sexual poses with the Bosley character. Yeah.

One major problem is the entire characterization effort is put into depressing voiceovers while shots of the character looking glazed over, bored, and brain dead are on screen. The ramblings of the actresses would have been rejected on even the crappiest LiveJournal pages, their introspection flatter than a piece of paper. None of the characters have any real motivations or personalities, and much acting consists of staring forward or remaining completely still. We don’t know anything about the girls when the movie starts, and by the end, we still don’t know anything. Take a counter example, the movie Yo-Yo Girl Cop where we get actual characterization by the actresses acting and not doing voiceovers, actual backstories for the characters, and even a peppy soundtrack (which is still neat if you discount the songs by the actresses and just focus on the theme.) The theme here sounds like it was ripped from an experimental German black and white film from the 1950’s that has a gong banging every ten seconds or so. Not something that people will be humming in the car.

Shiori (Yoko Mitsuya) – The leader/head assassin of team Cool Dimension. For some reason wears red leather as opposed to black. Has the special ability to avoid gunshots if she completes a back flip. Yoko Mitsuya is a former child model turned actress. Shot in the back.
Mika (Mitsuho Otani) – The lesbian member of team Cool Dimension. But not lesbian enough for it to be interesting. In fact, she may not be a lesbian but just a victim of bad writing. Killed by a bunch of rival female assassins brought in by Junko.
Junko (Mika Shigeizumi) – Crazy evil member of team Cool Dimension. Why is she evil? Why not, she just is. Mika Shigeizumi must have had eyelid surgery, giving her eyes some bug-eyed look that enhances her character’s supposed insanity. The best acting in the film was done by surgery she had years earlier. Killed by Shiori.
Kurokawa (Kenichi Endo) – The Bosley character to his trio of creepy angels, Kurokawa spends most of the film in various disturbing still-life embraces with one to all of his charges. He sets off an aura of creepiness, and that was before I recognized him from Visitor Q. No dead body sex here, but Kenichi Endo is a regular fixture in Takashi Miike films.
Charlie (CGI/??? Voice) – I guess his name is Charlie, they never give it, but he gives the orders to the teams and organizes the assassination missions for the Cool Dimension team. Maybe he is Mr. Cool, or Mr. Dimension. Beside a brief appearance in the beginning, he never factors in again and is completely forgotten. It’s just that kind of movie to not bother with explaining anything.
Haruki Muraoka – Target of the group, wife was killed by corrupt politician Mr. Tsuyama ten years prior, and his daughter was injured and hidden. Killed by Junko.

Deadly Target
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Deadly Target (Review)

September 29, 2008By

Deadly Target

aka Hong tian mi ling

1994
Directed by Godfrey Ho

In Manila, two female Hong Kong cops visit one’s cousin, only to find out he is an evil weapons dealer that targets them for death. They team up with supercop Eddie and take down their cousin as well as a bunch of other goons in a prime example of mid-90’s Hong Kong action films. We get lots of shootouts, lots of jumping stunts, kung fu mixed in the middle of gun battles, and things exploding all over the place. These films are miles beyond the current CGI/PG-13 garbage being spewed out by Hollywood, but for a Hong Kong action film of the era, it doesn’t really stand out. However, it has chicks with guns blasting people all over the place, so it fits right into our pseudo-theme month. This is a low-budget movie filmed in the Philippines to save on costs, more info is with the cast.

Female action stars have a long and glorious career in Asian cinema. Go read a book about them or something. Okay, just kidding. There was a big “Girls with Guns” fad in the late 1980’s/early 1990’s which is the focus here, and this is one of many entries that were low-budget but filled with lots of stunts. Many of the films had several of about six to eight actresses who were in the bulk of them, and we have two here, Yukari Oshima and Sharon Yeung Pan Pan, who both have a long resume filled with similar films.

Lisa Li (Yukari Oshima) – A Hong Kong police woman who goes on vacation in the Philippines to visit her cousin Ben Hung, who turns out to be really evil! Her boss in the Hong Kong is named Tiger. Aren’t you glad I pointed that out? May also go by the name “Cynthia Lee,” as a sign in the movie says. Yukari Oshima was a big action star in the late 1980s/early 1990s Hong Kong, but by this point was working out of the Philippines because the Hong Kong studio didn’t know what to do with a half-Japanese female action star, especially one that was usually branded asexual because she wasn’t supermodel attractive. This is a shame, as Yukari is very skilled in the martial arts. See her here in Godfather’s Daughter and Tomb Raiders/Avenging Quartet
Anna Yeung (Sharon Yeung Pan Pan) – Partner of Lisa Li who accompanies her on vacation. Despite both of them being largely asexual, they certainly have a few lesbianic undertones thrown in during their workout sessions. No complaints. Sharon Yeung Pan Pan was a talented martial artist who starred in Hong Kong movies and television through the 80’s and 90’s, ending her run around the end of the girls with guns movie fad.
Cousin Ben Hung (John Cheung) – Cousin of Lisa Li who also happens to be an evil gun smuggler. Sort of how my cousin works for Coca-Cola. Except he’s not evil, nor smuggles guns. Ben Hung has a sister who isn’t named despite being a major character. Once Lisa Li and her friends get in the way, it is time to see that money is thicker than blood, and he tries to take her out.
Eddie (Edu Manzano) – The supercop of the Philippines, every gun runner and drug dealer knows his name. Edu Manzano is still acting today and appeared in such Filipino genre films as Captain Barbell and Darna: The Return.
Ben Hung’s Sister (Sarah Gomez) – Hi, I’m Ben Hung’s Sister. I’m evil, I’m a main villain, I sleep with men to convince them to buy guns from my brother, and I don’t have a name! What the Hell, movie?
Henry Wong (Phillip Ko) – Rumored he was married to Yukari Oshima at the time and may have been the actual director using Godfrey Ho’s name as a pseudonym! That would be a first (this is rumored for a few of these Phillip Ko/Yukari Oshima/Godfrey Ho Filipino action films) but may just be an artifact of Godfrey Ho’s constant use of fake names. Godfrey Ho, why do you continue to make researching these movies difficult?
Dik (????) – Undercover cop in Ben Hung’s gang. Gets his cover blown. Enjoys dressing in dresses. Sadly, he does not make it to the end of the film. I will always remember you, Dik. Maybe I’ll find out who played you.

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