Ninja Cheerleaders (Review)

Ninja Cheerleaders

Directed and written by David Presley

Ninjas and cheerleaders go together like peanut butter and scotch tape, except now I need a new awkward comparison because Ninja Cheerleaders isn’t that bad of a film. There are a few problems, such as pacing, padding, and pointless stuff; but besides the three P’s, it holds together pretty well. It also has George Takei, who is awesome, but fails to give us cheerleader ninja nudity, instead it is just random strippers who look as fake as a Sorny TV. Writer and director David Presley did an okay job for a low-budget picture like this. So pay attention to this film, because it is filled with hot chicks. And stuff happens. But mostly hot chicks with swords and butt being kicked. Because that is what makes movies great.

Courtney (Trishelle Cannatella) – – Age: 19, Sign: Leo, Favorite Band: LA Philharmonic, Favorite Book: Black Holes and Time Warps by Kip Thorne, Favorite Move: Open palmed nose punch. Courtney comes from a bad home but has risen above all of that to become a ninja cheerleader and to make it into an Ivy League school. Guess which one of these actresses you can find naked pictures of on the internet?
April (Ginny Weirick) – – Age: 18, Sign: Aires, Favorite Band: The Killers, Favorite Book: The Art of War, Favorite Move: Throat/groin combo. The most serious of the three girls, and the one most likely to beat you up for being male. Seriously. She’s sneaking up on you right now!
Monica (Maitland McConnell) – – – Age: 18, Sign: Scorpio, Favorite Band: The Strokes, Favorite Book: Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk, Favorite Move: spinning side kick. The free spirit who always has a smile on her face. what kind of name is Maitland?
Hiroshi (George Takei) –George Takei is freaking George Takei! George Takei is awesome! Sure, he plays some dude named Hiroshi who is a ninja sensie and a strip club owner, but he’s really George Takei, and that’s all that matters! George Takei was last heard (but not seen) here giving voices for the English dub of Godzilla Raids Again (Gigantis the Fire Monster).
Victor Lazzaro (Michael Paré) –Michael Paré takes a break from starring in the cinematic horror that is Uwe Boll films (BloodRayne for one) and instead flexes his acting talents here as mob boss Victor Lazzaro. Keep on flexing.
Kinji (Natasha Chang) –The evil girl fighter you need for these movies, except it is not really fair, as she is but one against three. Or four, since she ends up fighting George Takei in the end. No one can defeat George Takei.
Detective Harris (Larry Poindexter) – Goateed cop who spends most of the film one step behind the girls, yet isn’t so slow he doesn’t realize they are up to ninja highjinks. Has an unfortunate encounter with Kinji. Is the guy interviewing the girls for the interspersed interview segments.

A gang of female ninjas steal a Japanese katana from a military base and replace it with a duplicate. This turns into a big fight with army dudes, because we can’t have a ninja movie that is just sneaking around! Unless it was Ninja Rififi…. The three girls return the sword to George Takei, who is their Sensei, Hiroshi. Hiroshi anoints them as full ninjas! We don’t see the cheerleader initiation, but I bet it involves a similar ritual…

The film has some nice “introspective stuff” with the girls being interviewed by a police detective throughout the film, which functions as a pseudo-narration and story guide. I can imagine the film was a jumbled mess without them, with the sequence of events progressing with little to no explanation. It also gives you added insights to the girls’ characterizations, although only April really stands out personality-wise, and that is because she really pushes the tough girl guise.

The introduction of our three characters is set to a cover of the song “I Know What Boys Like”. The girls each get their character traits listed for us. By the way, all guys at community college are sleazy, who knew? The community college is Los Lamas Milas, but is also called Las Lamas Milas or Los Lomas Malas at times. Come to LLM, the school with 1000 names! And we get the required ninja practice scene, complete with a sleazy guy who says sexually offensive things and is then destroyed by one of the girls. Scenes like this allow a small budgeted film to save on sets and pad time showing the women doing moves in a controlled environment. It is win-win, except the girls could always be in skimpier clothing. The padding also slows up the plot, but then, who really cares about plot as long as the film is fun?

After ninja practice…on to the strip club! The strip club George Takei owns, which is weird. The three girls are strippers there, but none of them strip off their clothes. They need $50,000 from the All-City Strip Off to reach $250,000 for money to go to Ivy League schools. All strippers are secret ninja geniuses, just ask them and they will tell you so.

When the show is over, they beat up sailors outside the club because they are jerks. The sailors, that is. Jerks at a strip club, who knew? Ninja Cheerleaders is a film filled with life-lessons. The sound redubbing here is particularly off, which strips off some enjoyment. Oh, the girls are not strippers they are Go-Go dancers. Okay, then. Who knew?

Time for Finals at college! The plot is due to start any minute now. As they break for lunch to work out, they find out the dojo is trashed, the strip club has been broken in to, the bouncer for the club, Manny, has been shot, and Sensei Hiroshi is missing! Someone took George Takei! Jerks! No one steals George Takei! Someone also broke into the safe and stole all their college money. Um, hello, have you heard of savings accounts? FDIC insurance? Interest?

Hiroshi was taken by the mob, so they threaten Jimmy the Snitch with a garden hose enema to find out who did it. It was Victor. Yes, Victor. You all know Victor. They can’t get Victor’s vector because they have to get back to college to take more finals, then go visit Manny in the hospital.

The strip club used to belong to Victor, he wants it back, so it is Takei torturing time! The three girls get arrested for lying to the police when reporting the break in, but soon escape, so this went nowhere. April beats up a guy who yells at girl scouts and then ninja their way into a mob meeting to met Victor, but he isn’t budging on the Hiroshi issue, threatening to have him killed if they don’t leave. They do, but Victor also has someone watching all of this, and evil girl ninja named Kinji, who will kill the girls.

But first we got to pad the film with lots of shots of the girls dressed as cheerleaders at a basketball game! Pad pad pad, like bras on prom night. Why even have an excuse to have them in cheerleader clothes, just have them dress that way for no reason! It would be easier. They beat up some thugs and get info on where Hiroshi is held, but Kinji comes in, speaks in third person, and crossbows Detective Harris in the shoulder. The three hero girls vanish. How brave.

Because it is time for the All-City Strip Off! You might think a strip off means take off all of your clothes, but you would be wrong. Who knew? After dancing, they then head to smash up the guards at the hideout where Hiroshi is being held. See, a smart villain would have moved Hiroshi when the thugs from earlier didn’t report in. Instead, Victor talks with Hiroshi, then Hiroshi ninjas him up, because Hiroshi could do all of that any time, he just chose not to. He is George Takei, he can ninja you up without even seeing you.

The three girls enter, but then so does Kinji! It is a three-on-one ninja girl swordfight! Boo-yah! But Kinji is better than all of them. Who knew? George Takei did, because he steps in and is now swordfighting her. Now the swords are shooting electricity out of them, because that always happens when ninjas duel. The film is sped up a bit, then Takei kicks her sorry butt, as anyone who has seen Takei work his sword magic on Star Trek or Heroes knows. Then, everyone gets arrested, therefore they can do the interview narration thing, and the girls are released. The girls go to Brown, Kinji is jailed, and Vincent’s father the Don declares he will kill those ninja cheerleaders, and their little dog, too! But he will have to wait for the sequel, because this movie is over. Heck, the credits are already rolling. So goodbye to these ninja cheerleaders, see you next time for Ninja Cheerleaders 2: Cheer Harder.

Not to be confused with Cheerleader Ninjas (Once I find my disk this will link to a review)

Rated 7/10 (Coach, Jerk, Hillbilly, customer, mobby, A good sailor, Manny)

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