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InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Kizil Maske (1968 Dir. – Tolgay Ziyal)

November 22, 2008By

Kizil Maske

aka The Red Mask aka Turkish Phantom

1968Sinematurk Link
Directed by Tolgay Ziyal
Written by Alpay Ziyal

Another Turkish version of the Phantom, and another film called Kizil Maske! It looks like Turkey was so busy ripping off intellectual property that they started double-dipping! A different movie means everything changes, so now Kizil Maske is actually in Africa like the comic. We know this thanks to the very racist African natives who beat drums. Kizil Maske’s costume is completely different, and now he has a loyal dog companion instead of several employees. Kizil Maske changes into three costumes through the course of the film, which is two more than the other Kizil Maske.

As I mentioned in the last Turkish Phantom review, there are three Turkish versions of the Phantom, two of which are entitled Kizil Maske and were released in 1968, the third is KIZIL MASKE’NIN INTIKAMI, which came out in 1971. As the third movie has little to no information about it, I cannot say if it is directly related to either of the originals. As this is the second Kizil Maske, it is sometimes designated Kizil Maske 2 or Kizil Maske (2) when both are listed. We live to be confusing, so we won’t. Nyeh! Director Tolgay Ziyal also directed the Turkish version of Captain America called Binbasi Tayfun (1968). His sister Tora Ziyal was Gul Dukat’s daughter, but was killed by Damar during the Dominion retreat from Terok Nor. And now you know the rest of the story.

If you want to learn more about the real Phantom comics, go to Google or something, we have better things to do than be your personal information specialists. Okay, maybe we don’t, but we still ain’t gonna do your work for you! Just kidding. Time for some more patented Phantom Phacts: The Phantom’s Skull cave is guarded by members of the Bandar tribe, who shoot people with poisoned arrows. Totally not racist. The Phantom’s costume is colored blue in Scandinavia, red in Italy, Turkey, and formerly in Brazil, and brown in New Zealand. Celebrate diversity. Kit Walker is the given name of the current Phantom (Number 21). One more Phantom and they go bust, so the Dealer will win. There is a Phantom TV series that was produced in India in 1997 called Betaal Pachisi. Okay, that’s enough Phantom Phacts. Thank goodness.

With a whole new cast, we get a whole new plot, in which Kizil Maske is recruited to help after something gets stolen and it turns out to be a conspiracy. What is stolen? I have no idea. It is very hard to tell, and the lack of subtitles kept the plot from being explained. So my theory is they stole the MySQL database for TarsTarkas.NET, because that is very valuable and worth hiring a super hero from another continent to sort out the mess. I remember when The Jokester stole our database in 2005, luckily we hired Starman to kick his butt!

So the plot explanation will be filled with conjecture, speculation, and outright lies due to the lack of subtitles. Just like usual! At TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

Kizil Maske aka Fantom (Ismet Erten) – They will call him both Kizil Maske and Fantom in this film, but we will stick with Kizil Maske because it is used most often, and using a consistent name is less confusing. He is a different character than the other Kizil Maske, most noticeably he keeps his secret identity secret, instead of parading around his face like an idiot. He also has a completely different costume, and a secondary costume for detective work (plus a aquatic third costume seen at the end.) Got to make those different actions figures. Kizil Maske brings his faithful dog Sheeta with him, because dogs are cool.
Diana (Nebahat Çehre) – Diana is some hot chick who knows Kizil Maske somehow, gets him hired, and gets kidnapped by the bad guys who are really people she trusts. Then Kizil Maske leaves her to go back to Africa. Sorry, Diana, you were just this week’s woman.
Semih Bey (Erol Tas) – Semih Bey is a friend of Diana and involved in the plot somehow. His house had a safe that gets robbed, you see. Erol Tas not playing the villain? That can’t be right!
Gülgün (???) – He is sleepy a lot. He also uses a gun because he is one of the villains in disguise. Not that I was fooled. You can’t trick me, Gulgun! I see through your niceness. Just handcuff yourself and go to the police station.
Ahtapot (???It is a Mystery!!??) – The evil villain who is secretly one of the other characters! Another film with a mysterious bad guy who’s face isn’t seen (because he is a main character) with a hot babe in skimpy clothing. We have seen this before. All he needs is a cat…
Crazy Girl (Gulgun Erdem) – Ahtapot’s main squeeze, and a bona fide psychopath. Enjoys hanging out in a bikini, petting the cat, and burning tied up girls with cigarettes! She also enjoys getting killed by her boyfriend, at least I hope so because that’s what happens…
Cat (???) – YES!! All villains need a cat! Ahtapot became 10% cooler, which I admit only puts him at 3.28% cool, but still… The cat is so cool he just gets petted by the hot chick all day. Yes, this film has hot chicks petting pussy! (Here come the weird Google search strings…) The secret joke there is cats like to play with string. Okay, it isn’t a joke, but just pretend it is.
Sheeta (???) – Sheeta (I think that is the name) is Kizil Maske’s loyal dog, who doesn’t really do anything in the film. I believe he is supposed to be the mountain wolf named Devil from the comic strip.

Transformers
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Transformers (Review)

November 23, 2007By

Transformers


2007
Directed by Michael Bay

Transformers were the pinnacle of 1980’s toys. They had classic characters and endure to this day. Transformers are among the first toys I remember getting for Christmas (of 1984, where I got toys including Megatron) and are toys I still have stored away in the attic. Even my favorite toy line (Battle Beasts) are just a spin-off of Transformers. I saw the original movie in the theaters and cried when Optimus Prime died. So to say I was interested when it was announced there would be a live action film is an understatement to say the least.

However, the interest soon waned when I found out Michael Bay was to be the director. Problems also arose when preview art of the Transformers showed them to be very ugly-looking. I realize this is not the Generation 1 line but a new universe. I don’t expect tape-recorder robots. I do expect writing that matched Beast Wars at the least, not writing that pales in comparison to the original cartoon. A cartoon where and entire episode revolved around a girl falling in love with Powerglide (who subsequently beat her around a bit). How hard can it be to write something that doesn’t suck? All you had to do was just be average and let the robots do the rest. Instead, we have 2 ½ hours (way too long) where robots don’t do much of anything until the last 25 minutes. And also the robots pee. Seriously. It’s a disgrace. Not to Transformers, but to audiences everywhere. The movie thinks the audience is stupid. The army regularly endangers civilians for no reason. There is a plot about hackers. Every piece of modern technology came from a frozen robot. The sun seems to be stuck at the edge of the horizon (or setting every five minutes) giving every shot an orange glow. More Transformers are killed by humans than Transformers. The robot fight sequences are cool, but were needed earlier. The movie is more than meets the eye, more terrible than the eye could ever meet.

bratz
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Bratz: The Movie (Review)

August 28, 2007By

Bratz: The Movie


2007
Directed by Sean McNamara

Bratz: The Movie is a film about being yourself, which is a contradiction as the toys are polar opposites to the extreme. Combined with the fact the film is chock full of racist stereotypes, pedophilia, and glorification of expensive Sweet Sixteen parties, and you got a film that could get the creators thrown in Guantanamo Bay for crimes against humanity. It is nothing that good ole fashioned terrorism repackaged for the MTV generation and thousands of tweenage girls. Not terrorism that kills, but terrorism that leaves deep psychological scars, the kind that will never heal. Osama wishes he could put out films that hurt like this.

The basic plot is that the high school the Bratz go to is controlled by an ultra-evil girl who keeps everyone divided into cliques. The Bratz span cliques as they are multi-racial and interest girls designed by a soulless mega-corporation with only their passion for fashion to bind them together. The fight to stay friends when torn apart by their other interests is the soul of the piece, and speaks a message of accepting other groups and not staying in your little social circle. This spirit of expressing yourself and individuality and acceptance is completely at odds with the toys, which are practically identical giant-headed clones. Their giant eyes, lips with more silicone than breasts in a porno movie, and ever-bare midriffs make them look like they are some crazed duplication experiment, with only skin and hair hues keeping them apart. That is not diversity and expressing your differences, that is following a trend to the point of marching straight off a bridge. And that’s just where Bratz dolls should be thrown.

Bratz are a toy, but they are also an attitude. An attitude that fashion is more important than anything. That thongs are standard fare for girls of single digit ages. That everyone should have big heads, giant lips, long eyelashes, smaller-than-pixies bodies, and a passion for fashion that exceeds all other skills and desires. To consume. To be superficial. Not what anyone sane should be teaching their kids.

So with the condemnations of the dolls I’ve laid out here and in the previous Bratz encounter, you’d think this film would be the most hated film of all time. Oddly enough, parts of this film weren’t the worst thing that ever existed. There’s a few flecks of gold in the acres of manure. Not much, but they were like beacons in the darkness, guiding us a save path to a swift exit to the film. Only God himself could have braved the evil that are Bratz to implant something good for the good people of the world to get hope from. But aside from those points, the film is as terrible as the trailer makes it out to be. The basic premise is the Bratz go to high school, which is ruled by an ultra-bitch who demands everyone sit with their clique. The Bratz have diverse interests, which ends in them becoming members of their respective cliques instead of staying friends. But we all know girl power and passion for fashion will save the day at the end. Oops, I just spoiled the movie! Not like anyone reading this on this site will care, for we’re not here to discuss the film in a rational manner, but to tear it apart in the only way we know how. Why? Because they made it. We have a passion for crap.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Mighty Gorga (Review)

February 14, 2007By

The Mighty Gorga


1969
Starring
Anthony Eisley as Mark Remington
Megan Timothy as April Adams
Scott Brady as Dan Morgan
Kent Taylor as Tonga Jack Adams
Bruce Kimball as The Witch Doctor/Mort the Clown
Lee Parrish as George
Greydon Clark as Charlie the Elephant ticket seller
Directed by David L. Hewitt

One of the worst rip-offs of King Kong ever, even worse than Queen Kong (which is an epic chore to sit through itself), this masterpiece of horrible filmmaking sinks below the chum of the crap, a benchmark that is not easily passed by those trying to create a worse giant gorilla film. Sure, that genre has some terrible entries: the aforementioned Queen Kong, King Kong Escapes (though I like this one), the Mighty Joe Young remake, A*P*E, the upcoming Kinky Kong, and the classic porn masterpiece King Dong. Giant ape movies will be with us forever, and some of them go on forever like the Peter Jackson version of King Kong. The Mighty Gorga is mercifully short, the best feature of the entire film.

Mark Remington (Anthony Eisley) – Head of the Circus. Almost out of money, except the large amount of cash he blows on an ill-informed mission to Africa to capture a giant gorilla he’s only heard about third handedly. But that’s what you do when you are the White Male Stereotype Guy!
April Adams (Megan Timothy) – Runs an exotic animal supply house in Africa that her missing father owned. She somehow picked up a British accent despite her father having no such feature.
Dan Morgan (Scott Brady) – The evil exotic animal supplier. Bought the bank not to try to foreclose on April’s place, but is foiled by Mark. Hunts after their party, wrongly assuming they are searching for treasure. Squashed by Gorga. Morgan must be a protege of Ross from the Catching Trouble short.
Tonga Jack Adams (Kent Taylor) – April’s daddy, missing famous explorer who shows up in exactly the place Mark and April go, because that’s convenient for the plot.
Arnold Shye (Gary Kent) – Agent from Consolidated Circus Consortium, the Ringling Bros/Barnum and Bailey of its day. Gobbling up all the smaller circuses to create a monopoly and control the market on bearded ladies and trapezes. Eventually killed by Cirque du Soleil secret agents during the Second Circus War.
George (Lee Parrish) – An employee of April, speaks good English as a joke in the film explains to us. The best character in the film, so of course they kill him off, as he was acting while Black. Jerks! Shot by Morgan while attempting to save everyone.
The Witch Doctor (Bruce Kimball) – Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang!
Mighty Gorga (A reject Muppet) – If King Kong’s son had a sister, then the two of them mated, then that offspring self-fertilized, then the baby was put in a microwave for an hour or so, then smoked some crack, then maybe, just maybe, it would be as ridiculous as the Mighty Gorga.
The T-Rex (One of the world’s worst puppets) – Hey, remember in King Kong when King Kong fought a T-Rex? Well, this King Kong rip-off does, and so the screwed up Gorga puppet must fight an even ridiculously looking T-Rex. Hopefully the puppeteer’s hand wasn’t hurt during the rip-roaring prehistoric action! Killed by Gorga in the climatic battle of two of the world’s lamest monsters.

A woman is chained as sacrifice because she is the next victim of the Mighty Gorgo! As we all know how this works from the various King Kong films, the movie doesn’t even bother to explain what is going on. They then jump right into a circus, as lion taming happens during the opening credits, something every version of King Kong can’t claim to have, so that’s one point for The Mighty Gorga.