River Raft Tip #1: Leap out of the boat randomly in shallow, rocky water!
River Raft Nightmare (aka Eyewitness) brings the excitement of being chased by killer convicts while river rafting to your living room! This is why you should never go river rafting, and instead stay inside and watch tv movies on Lifetime all day. Has anyone on Lifetime ever been attacked while watching a Lifetime movie? Of course not, I rest my case. Anyway, a mom and daughter get attacked by evil evil men, can this mother and daughter team defeat these evil evil men before their do more evil evil things? I sure hope so, otherwise this will be very depressing!
A mother and daughter’s white-water rafting trip becomes a nightmare when they encounter three escaped convicts searching for a hidden satchel of stolen cash. Separated from their rafting party, alone on an isolated river, they must struggle to survive against overwhelming odds.
Maybe Meryl Streep with show up with some advice about dealing with crazy killers while river rafting!
River Raft Nightmare is written and directed by Fred Olen Ray, which shows he’s still out there making movies like a champ, and gives me hope that RRN (that’s what us cool people call the film) is something great and fun.
RRN stars Bridgit Brannaugh, Ivan Sergei, Tim Abell, Leah Bateman, Daniel Booko, Perry King, Stephanie C. Allen, and Ted Monte. It premieres Saturday, September 5th on Lifetime!
Here is a trailer that for some reason has several seconds of black screen before the trailer actually starts!
I haven’t been this miserable since I ran away with that old guy and had to pretend I was kidnapped. I mean, since I was kidnapped!
I take back my statement last week about Lifetime’s lack of confidence in The Wrong Girl, because this week the links for Kidnapped: The Hannah Anderson Story are also broken! This is especially weird since Lifetime went the extra distance to provide more thank just a low-rez trailer, even including behind the scenes stuff! Not that you can get there from the main MyLifetime.com/movies site, mind you…
Based on a true story. On the afternoon of August 3, 2013, 16-year-old Hannah Anderson was abducted after finishing cheerleading practice in a San Diego suburb. When the bodies of her mother and brother were found in the burned home of family friend James DiMaggio later that day, an AMBER Alert was issued, and a frantic multi-state manhunt for Hannah began. For a week she was kept prisoner by the increasingly unstable DiMaggio as they made their way across the state. One week later, the two were found in Idaho and DiMaggio was killed in a shootout with FBI agents, leaving Hannah as the sole survivor. As the dust settled, questions began to emerge about the nature of the relationship between Hannah and her kidnapper. Was Hannah purely a victim of a depraved adult, or is it possible she was more complicit in the tragic events?
Ah, kidnapping conspiracy theories. Every internet commenter will feel justified now!
Kidnapped: The Hannah Anderson Story stars Scott Patterson (Little Big League), Jessica Amlee (Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus 3-D), Brian McNamara (I Know Who Killed Me), Jay Pickett (Guts and Glory: The Rise and Fall of Oliver North), Susie Castillo (Holiday Engagement), and Tim Abell (Snow White: A Deadly Summer ) It’s directed by Peter Sullivan (Christmas Under Wraps, High School Possession), who also wrote the story along with Jeffrey Schenck (Chupacabra vs. the Alamo) and Hanz Wasserburger (A Novel Romance), the latter also doing the screenplay.
Kidnapped: The Hannah Anderson Story premieres Saturday, May 23rd on Lifetime!
aka Prison Break 2014 Written by Edward DeRuiter
Directed by Christopher Douglas Olen Ray
There is talk in the film world of an all-female Expendables movie with a bunch of names being tossed about and a plot that sounds dumb as crap. While Hollywood talks, Asylum does, and gives us Mercenaries, and all-female Expendables featuring tough ladies doing some dirty work. It’s more of a B-movie femme all star roster, but it’s still filled with cool chicks who go on to kick a lot of butt. Following more Escape From New York meets The Dirty Dozen, Mercenaries sees for female convicts recruited to save the daughter of the president from a female potential dictator. Along the way we have plenty of shooting, stabbing, kicking, punching, breaking, betraying, and quipping, making Mercenaries a must-see event for action fans!
The President’s daughter Elise Prescott is ambushed in Kazakhstan, and not by Borat. Military leader Ulrika demands the US invade her country and install her as leader, or else! The US keeps this under wraps for now, and CIA agent Mona Kendall figures the best way to sneak in is to send women because Ulrika hates all men (except her right-hand man Grigori Babishkov) and thinks women are weak. As there are no experienced women to infiltrate the prison, they need to “think inside the box” and thus grab some female prisoners at whom they can wave pardons.
Cassandra Clay (Zoë Bell) – A woman who beats up women in prison who demand tribute, and likes pizza. Former Delta Force, Ranger, and had a command. Lost half of her squad and attacked her CO because he was sending them into areas without proper support or information.
Kat Morgan (Kristanna Loken) – A sniper who shot up her boyfriend’s truck with him and his new girlfriend in it. She also throws a penny into the eye of a rapist guard.
Mei Lin Fong (Nicole Bilderback) – A techno-anarchist and exploding toilets enthusiast. She blew up a Wall Street bank (which means she’s awesome), and is also a pilot.
Raven (Vivica A. Fox) – Raven has no real name given, but she has a history with Mona. Raven was CIA, but became killer for hire and killed a CIA agent, thus the jail term.
Who has time to wait around for Hollywood to make a terrible all-female version of The Expendables (called The Expendabelles and featuring a plot where they all become hookers for some reason…) when Asylum can just go ahead and do it, and make it a women in prison film at the same time? Yes, a double-decker mockbuster called Mercenaries that takes on The Expendables 3 and Orange is the New Black season 2 (which I am on a break from binge-watching to write this up) It’s also a big middle finger to Hollywood suits who can’t be bothered to have women star in their action films.
What we get in Mercenaries is a dream team of B-movie action actresses – Zoe Bell(Raze), Vivica A. Fox(Kill Bill), Kristanna Loken(BloodRayne), Brigitte Nielsen(Red Sonja), Cynthia Rothrock(Undefeatable), and Nicole Bilderback (Bring it On). It co-stars Tim Abell, Alexis Raich, Alyma Dorsey, and Alicia Vigil.
Christopher Ray directs, from a script by Edward DeRuiter (who wrote 2-Headed Shark Attack). It was originally called Prison Raid, but got a name change like many Asylum productions.
A diplomatic official is captured and imprisoned while touring a war zone, so a team of elite female commandoes is assembled to infiltrate a women’s prison for a daring rescue.
According to the Asylum site, the street date is August 5, 2014, but no word on if this is on DVD, streaming, exclusive to one outlet before others, or what. So keep an eye out for people talking about this film eventually. If a trailer ever surfaces, I’ll post that (once again, Google is failing me!), and if I can get a copy eventually, I’ll weigh in my thoughts as well. The world will stand by, holding its breath, because we all know that TarsTarkas.NET is the word when it comes to female commando movies that take place in women’s prison.
There are a bunch of new shark movies coming out soon, so here is a look at some of them, the ones we’ve decided to care about because we gotta be selective, don’t you know?
Swamp Shark:
Kirsty Swanson IS Swamp Shark. Oh, wait, Kirsty Swanson IS starring in Swamp Shark. My bad! It’s directed by Griff Furst, son of many-time SciFi movie director Stephen Furst (of Animal House fame) and Griff Furst was also in Transmorphers and Basilisk: The Serpent King.
A sneak peak scene:
Super Shark:
Fred Olen Ray can’t stay away from the shark movie money madness, so now we got another shark film called Super Shark! And this shark can walk! creature effects by BFX Imageworks, Inc.
Starring John Schneider (Dukes of Hazzard John Schneider) and Jimmie JJ Walker, along with Jerry Lacy, Tim Abell, Ted Monte, Sarah Lieving, Rebbeca Grant, Randy Mulkey, Shane Van Dyke, Mike Gaglio, and Dylan Vox
Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus:
Asylum sequel to Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, originally titled Mega Shark vs. Giganotosaurus, but that was too close to an actual dinosaur name that was a plant eater, hardly the type to go fight a Mega Shark. The Megalodon has survived its battle with the giant octopus from the previous film. But now, a new prehistoric terror is discovered deep in the jungles of Africa.
Starring Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Sarah Lieving, Robert Picardo, and Gerald Webb. Directed by Chris Ray, which will be his third film but may end up the first one released as Reptisaurus and Megaconda both seem stuck in post-production.
It comes out December 21st! Make your Christmas a Mega Shark Christmas!
Mega Python vs. Gatoroid:
Not a shark film, but it sprang partially from the Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus film and Mega Piranha, as Debbie Gibson was in one and Tiffany in the other. Now they’re both in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid and their going to kick each other’s butts! Unless the Mega Pythons or Gatoroids get them first…
Psycho Shark (a.k.a. Jaws in Japan): CHECK OUT OUR REVIEW OF PSYCHO SHARK HERE!!!
College students Miki and Mai arrive on a private beach on a tropical island. They can’t find the hotel where they booked their reservations, and have gotten hopelessly lost, until a handsome young man shows up, offering to take them to his lodge. But something is not right about the place. The owner’s fingernails are tainted with blood and Miki feels something sinister lurking nearby.
2003
Starring
Tim Abell as Jack
William Langlois as Prof. Nathan Phipps
Gail Harris as Dr. Dawn Porter
Paul Logan as Drake
Directed by Jim Wynorski
Written by Steve Latshaw
Jurassic Park except instead of dinosaurs we have big komodo dragons!
Yep, it’s as bad as it sounds. Luckily, the movie tries to make up for it with stereotypical characters, scenes lifted almost directly from Jurassic Park, and zombies. Yes, zombies. As one of the new age giant monster movies that Sci-Fi Channel seems to produce ten at a time, it doesn’t have much to do to stand out from the pack of Boa‘s, Python‘s, Octopus‘s, and Crocodile‘s, but the movie even fails in that regard. At least this film avoids the Curse of the Title That is Only an Animal’s Name.
