Is Rise of the Dinosaurs SyFy's last Saturday Creature Flick for a long time?

April 16, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Because SyFy’s moving their movies to Thursday premieres for the summer! If you haven’t noticed, SyFy has gone loco and suddenly started to produce a bunch of actual science fiction shows and is attempting to become an actual network that follows its name and not just a place for edited movie reruns and wrestling. I, for one, support this endeavor, and whole-heartedly approve of SyFy’s attempt to bring a bunch of science fiction dramas to television. But, as fallout from this, one of the nights SyFy is setting up programming blocks will be Saturday. Thus, the movie premieres are getting moved to Thursdays! Long time watchers of SyFy (back when it was SciFi Channel!) might remember that Thursday was once the day these new movies premiered (and even became a day they would randomly premiere one anyway after the move to Saturday!) so this isn’t so out of line. It’s just been a good long while.

But before that happens, there will be a few more films popping up. First up is Stonados on April 27. It features tornadoes with rocks in them. May 11th features the premiere of Rise of the Dinosaurs, and there are no more movie premieres scheduled for the rest of May. The real mystery is Rise of the Dinosaurs. Because I can’t find a thing about it. Which means it’s probably something else renamed. But what? Asylum’s Age of the Dinosaurs? That doesn’t seem finished enough to be it. Jurassic Attack? It’s out in Europe, so maybe. A bootleg Ice Age sequel? Or it could be something else entirely. No one who knows is saying nothing! Those jerks!

EDIT: Just got confirmation from the TuningIntoSciFiTV guys that Rise of the Dinosaurs IS Jurassic Attack! Also Stonados has been delayed due to the events in Boston (it is set in Boston)

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Tasmanian Devils

April 15, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Tasmanian Devils

2013
Written by Brook Durham
Directed by Zach Lipovsky

Inspector Mom is now Ranger Mom!

What if the Tasmanian Devil from the Bugs Bunny cartoons was a SyFy killer movie animal? Well, that’s not going to happen, so enjoy the next best thing, a group of supernatural real Tasmanian devils that attack a group of base jumpers and park rangers. And let’s throw in a flip-flopping gender politics theme for good measure! Thus we have Tasmanian Devils, the best movie about supernatural killer Tasmanian Devils ever! Unfortunately, due to the weird flip-flop the aforementioned gender politics thing takes, Tasmanian Devils gets the fun sucked out of it, and manages to finish as just your average SyFy flick. A shame, because there are some really good things about it. If only they had keep this pot on the stove a few minutes longer…

Dancia McKellar’s Alex is a female park ranger who becomes the defacto voice of authority when all the other rangers are slaughtered. Despite that event, in general her ideas are pretty good and her knowledge of Tasmanian devil habits and aboriginal folklore are assets to survival. But some of the basejumpers (mainly Anderson, a character who is used to being in control and having the answers himself) doesn’t listen to her and does things that work against what is best for survival because he thinks his ideas will work. They just end up in tragedy, and Alex begins to look like the golden child of knowing how to survive a horror film. She even saves a male character named Jayne (and a prior scene points out that both characters have names of the opposite genders!) But by the end of the film, Alex has suddenly become weak and helpless, needing Jayne’s protection and ideas to figure out a way to finally kill the last Supertaz. This sudden shift is strange to say the least, and makes me wonder if there wasn’t some script-flipping schenanigans going on.

Dental plan! Supertaz needs braces!

Alex is afraid of heights because when she was a child, her brother fell out of a high tree they both were in and died. She says in this confession that she feels guilt that she couldn’t save her brother and vowed to not get into a situation like that again. But it takes so many deaths to get to the realization that she is in the situation that is comes too late. She’s been constantly being the one to save people while working against characters doing dumb things. And instead of overcoming the obstacles and finding a way to get her and Jayne out alive, she doesn’t. Jayne, who at this point would be acting as the surrogate brother, figures out what to do to save the day. In addition, besides being a nice guy who thinks Alex knows what she’s talking about, Jayne hasn’t really come up with solutions to prior problems. His sudden inspiration is out of character. A bad conclusion to what would have been more fun.

The characters Walsh and Lisbon are developed more than Jayne. If anything, Walsh was the coolest character in the film, an awesome cop who both really loved Lisbon but also did stupid things occasionally. Their deaths impact the film by sucking much of the charisma out of it, which takes a further hit when Dancia McKellar’s Alex goes all wimpy. I wanted so hard to like Tasmanian Devils, but it made it too difficult. Instead we get a pretty by the numbers SyFy flick, complete with require references to Jurassic Park.

I’m about to publish my mathmatical theorem on burning your butt!

Tasmanian Devils is also pretty darn gory, which is cool. More blood for the blood god! The Tasmanian blood god! Writer Brook Durham wrote the fun SyFy flicks Showdown at Area 51 and Mammoth, while director Zach Lipovsky is an effects artist who occasionally dabbles in directing, though this looks like his first SyFy feature.

	Alex (Danica McKellar) – American working for the Tasmanian Parks Service because she researches aboriginal mythology and Tasmanian devil biology. Don’t tell her the Tasmanian devils are like the cartoon! She is afraid of heights.
	Jayne (Kenneth Mitchell) – A man who was afraid of heights and became a basejumper to get over his fear. Usually listens to others.
	Anderson (Mike Dopud) – The man with the plan, helicopter pilot and extreme planner. But his plans are too extreme at times, resulting in some characters dying.
	Walsh (Terry Chen) – NYPD officer and extreme sports enthusiest. Base jumping is his religion, the most important part of him. Is the coolest character in the movie, so you know he dies. BOOOOO!!! You might know Terry Chen from Snakes on a Plane and Battlestar Galactica.
	Lisbon (Rekha Sharma) – Walsh’s fiance and a ER doctor. Walsh asked her out on a date when he came into the ER with multiple gunshot wounds. Is also a pretty cool character, so you know she dies. BOOOOO!!! Rekha Sharma is best known for her role on Battlestar Galactica.
	Simon (Roger Cross) – Basejumper who trusts Anderson, but is unable to properly kick.
	Supertazes (CGI) – 6 super Tasmanian devils are unleashed on our characters thanks to some idiot who fell into a hole. Good job, hole guy! When a supertaz is coming, get out of the way! A supertaz will get bigger when it eats the fallen body of a fellow supertaz.

The best ET shot ever.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Chupacabra vs. the Alamo

April 13, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Chupacabra vs. the Alamo

2013
Story by Peter Sullivan and Jeffrey Schenck
Written by Peter Sullivan
Directed by Terry Ingram

That’s what you get for not having a basement!

Chupacabra vs. The Alamo retells the battle of the Alamo with a modern twist. And has an ending that might enrage certain people with an unhealthy Texas obsession, which gives it bonus points in my book. There is also Erik Estrada gunning down chupacabras while getting over his wife’s death and reconnecting with his distant children. But mostly chupacabras.

It’s one of the few horror films with a largely Latino-American cast. Spanish is sprinkled in in levels not unusual for a border town or a town with a lot of migrant workers. Both most of the police characters and most of the gang members are Latino, giving a wide slice of personalities.

Do you think Larry Wilcox could deal with these chupacabras? Please!

Chupacabra vs. The Alamo is not afraid to address issues of modern border life, from drug smuggling to Mexican gang violence to illegal immigration to the lack of concern in government response. You can easily see some symbolism in the invading immigrant chupacabras attacking heroes holed up at the Alamo on Cinco de Mayo. But inside the heroes are mostly Latino, and they’re fighting to save their homes. The chupacabras are not illegal immigrants, but crazed gang violence, represented in the monstrous form it deserves to be regarded as. Agent Carlos’s son Tommy spent time in jail for bombing a Mexican drug lord (actually for possessing explosives because they didn’t have proof he killed the man), but it’s revealed he did it to prevent the drug lord from killing more innocent people like his gang war was doing. The mix of ethnicities shows that everyone must come together.

Instead of the classic chupacabra image from witness descriptions that loos sort of like an alien grey with claws and spikes, we get a chupacabra based on those dead “chupacabras” that make the news every few years, which are really just foxes and dogs with mange. Thus, the fierce creatures tearing everyone apart are played by tiny dogs. If you ever wondered what would happen if the cast of Beverly Hills Chihuahua went feral and started chomping necks, now you can find out! As you can imagine, it makes the attack scenes range from ridiculous to ridonkulous.

This movie loves green-screening Erik Estrada on a motorcycle! Why not have the star of CHiPs driving around on a bike for most of the film? If you can, you must! Despite the craziness of the title and premise, some of the action sequences are pretty cool. Notably, Erik Estrada running through a high school blasting chupacabras with a shotgun. The ending also takes some guts, especially since it was filmed with the cooperation of the Alamo. The film knows it’s roots and gives us some winking nods to more famous genre films. Though symptomatic of many of the problems that plague SyFy’s low-budget creature features, there is an energy and fun with Chupacabra vs. the Alamo that makes up for it. The important thing for these films is to be fun and entertaining, and Chupacabra vs. the Alamo definitely is.

I’ll be chupacaback!

Director Terry Ingram is a veteran of genre films and shows, such as Ice Road Terror, the SyFy Ice Truckers vs. Monsters movie, as well as some episodes of Relic Hunter and Honey I Shrunk The Kids: The TV Show. Writer Peter Sullivan took a break from writing all his The Dog Who Saved… scripts to give us this masterpiece about dogs gone bad (He also wrote Christmas Twister!)

	Agent Carlos Seguín (Erik Estrada) – Famed DEA agent and struggling single father since wife died two years ago on Cinco de Mayo. Instead of being a good parent, threw himself into his work. Is said to be a descendant of Texas hero Juan Seguín, who was at the Alamo and in most of the battle, but was sent out as a courier and wasn’t killed. His nickname is Jaguar.
	Sienna (Nicole Muñoz) – Carlos’s daughter who is violating curfews left and right, and thus getting grounded left and right Not going to let being grounded on Cinco de Mayo stop her from sneaking out with the boy she likes.
	Tracy Taylor (Julia Benson) – A new partner for Carlos, who is at first dismissed, but she proves to be rather brilliant and becomes a valuable asset. Is one of the first to recognize the menace for what it is.
	Agent Dani (Vanesa Tomasino) – DEA agent that acts as sort of an assistant to Carlos. Thus she’s helping with most of the bigger attack sequences.
	Tommy/Spider (Jorge Vargas) – Carlos’s estranged son and demolitions expert. Is upset that his father let him spend time in jail to straighten him out. Still upset over his mom’s death. Now hangs with a tough crew.
	Brooke (Anja Savcic) – Sienna’s best friend who just has bad luck when it comes to attacking chupacabras. Is very good at ironing.
	Chupacabras (CGI and dogs Loki and Duffy) – These rabies-infected chupacabra have crossed the border to search for new victims for blood sucking. There are dozens and dozens of them. Are immensely strong despite their small size.
	Medical Examiner (David Nykl) – One of the most intense medical examiners ever. Knows the killed animal brought in is not a coyote but something else.
	Crockett (???) – Alamo tour guide who is a descendant of Davy Crockett. Knows the Alamo inside and out and even knows secret rumors that help the team escape. No, there is no Tubbs.

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Heebie Jeebies

March 26, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Heebie Jeebies

2013
Written by Trent Haaga
Directed by Thomas L. Callaway

Gold prices skyrocket as the fear monster eats world gold supplies, mocks bitcoins

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself—and also mining accident fear monsters out for revenge!” — Franklin Delano Roosevelt, shortly before battling the mining accident fear monster that cost him the use of his legs.

Fear. Nothing is more scary, except maybe terror. Now, it is hard to have a concept such as fear attacking people on a SyFy creature feature, so we have the next best thing, a creature that attacks by causing fear. Heebie Jeebies is not just a goofy title, it’s a concept that extends to the plot. To drive the whole fear thing home, the main character even gets panic attacks!

The Man with the Golden Gun? We ate him!

Heebie Jeebies gets points for having an innovative monster design and concept, and being a parable about how greed is bad and ultimately destructive. It also gives us a glimpse of the history of exploited immigrant miners. The Asian-American family’s dynamic is similar to actual Asian-American families I know, it’s cool to see characters jumping back and forth between languages. It does lose points for having the only black character be a criminal.

What is weird is I watched Heebie Jeebies back to back with Flying Monkeys, and Tyler Forrest is in both of them. In Flying Monkeys, he plays a creepy guy, while in Heebie Jeebies, he plays a terrible boyfriend. As Louisiana seems to be the new it location for filming SyFy films (at least as long as the tax breaks last!) I expect Tyler Forrest will be showing up a lot!

Director Thomas L. Callaway has had an insanely awesome cinematography career (Critters 3 and 4, Road House 2, Who’s Your Caddy?), but has only helmed one other film, 2007’s Broke Sky. Writer Trent Haaga is a hardworking actor/writer/producer who has some Troma roots.

A terrible Mr. T costume…

	Todd Crane (Robert Belushi) – Small town cop who has crippling panic attacks, like all good cops. Is working on controlling his attacks with meditation therapy with Theresa. Is investigating the mysterious murders committed by what turns out to be a revenge monster while trying to be a parent to his little sister. Robert Belushi is James Belushi’s son.
	Theresa Lim (Cathy Shim) – Doctor and medical examiner who becomes extra busy thanks to the rash of murders and the simultaneous freak out of her grandmother who knows more than she lets on. Is also helping Todd meditate in what is prelude to a romance. Cathy Shim is awesome, and deserves to be more famous. She’s probably best known for Reno:911 and 3Way.
	Billy Butler (Michael Badalucco) – Local mine owner and owner of a cash for gold business. He’s like one of those obnoxiously hilarious local commercials come to life. Just think Boss Hogg meets Yukon Cornelious. Gets gold fever when he sees the monster bleeds gold and tries to capture it.
	Zu Mu (Lucille Soong) – A Tiger Grandma of Theresa and Tracy, who knows more than she hints about the awakened revenge monster. Responds by freaking out on her family, but eventually tells Todd about how Chinese laborer miners were trapped and left to die in 1840, and her ancestor – a witch – cursed the mine and created a revenge monster from the souls of the trapped miners.
	Veronica Crane (Evie Thompson) – Todd’s sister, who can’t wait to get it on with her boyfriend, Mace. Veronica is desperate to have some fun in the small town, so her and her friends plan to hang out in the abandoned mine like all the cool kids do.
	Mace (Dave Randolph-Mayhem Davis) – Veronica’s reluctant boyfriend, who seems very apprehensive about having the sex with Veronica. Even still, he’s probably one of the few good catches left in town.
	Tracy Lim (Olivia Ku) – Theresa’s sister and Zu Mu’s granddaughter. She gets instantly grounded by Zu Mu to keep her safe, even though her grandmother doesn’t explain anything. Is rebellious and sneaks out with Veronica and their boyfriends, ending up in trouble at the mine.
	Sheriff Tatum (Carl Savering) – The local sheriff who spends most of his time yelling at Todd or making bad decisions like putting lots of civilians in harms way. And he gets captured by Billy at one point. Is Mace’s dad, so he’s the genius who named his kid Mace.
	Agnes Whitehead (Marion Ross) – Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days! A retired teacher and not nice woman. Mrs. C is packing some heat, and even yells former student Todd Crane into a panic attack when he attempts to give her a ticket. Gets Heebie-Jeebied!
	Fear Monster (CGI) – Monster with gold blood that eats gold. Expels fear gas to paralyze its targets with terror. Eats gold as well. Was created by a witch curse from wife of one of five miners abandoned alive underground after an accident. The best part is it has gold monster vision!

How about a little fire, Scarecrow!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Flying Monkeys

March 25, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Flying Monkeys

2013
Written by Silvero Gouris
Directed by Robert Grasmere

What did you say about my stinking paws???

Flying Monkeys is a perfect example of a SyFy flick. It’s got a swarm of ridiculous creatures, lots of bloody death, bad CGI, and random acting talent. Released to cash in on Oz: The Great and Powerful, Flying Monkeys wedges in two small Oz references, but then goes on its own direction in what may be one of the most liberal SyFy films ever.

This monkey is a curse to all it touches…it was in Hangover 2!

Does Flying Monkeys promote exotic animals as pets, or is it a warning against them? Without being preachy, Flying Monkeys shows that exotic animals are smuggled into the US, are sold by a gun-packing jerk, and can cause horrible ecological damage and death when introduced to a new ecosystem. Also that they slaughter and devour entire towns full of random people, just like kudzu does!

Even more crazy, Flying Monkeys has a commentary on gun control! Flying Monkeys is anti-gun. If the flying monkeys (actually a Chinese mythological creature called a hsigo) are killed, they just turn into two hsigos. They can only be killed by special weapons blessed by the Emperor of China. Guns just make things worse, though they may cause a brief way to escape, they ultimately just increase the problem. Characters disparage how everyone in the US has a gun, because it makes the effort to kill the hsigos that much harder. Hsigos are like Gremlins, except they reproduce thanks to violent gun culture instead of water. Expand this out to how gun violence can create more gun violence, and Flying Monkeys is suddenly drawing a line in the sand.

First we catch the monkey, then I argue with it about post-Baum Oz books and which should be considered canon, until it dies of boredom!

There is also a throwaway bit about how Skippy the flying monkey leader doesn’t kill Joan because she’s nice to him in monkey form. The hunters are shocked at this, stating because no one has ever been kind to a hsigo, ever. Then they go to kill him anyway, though this suggests that maybe, just maybe, the killer monkeys could be rehabilitated.

As we declared long ago, Type A SyFy films feature one (or a small number) of invincible creatures that slaughter everyone. Type B SyFy films (which Flying Monkeys is an example of) feature a whole swarm of creatures that slaughter everyone, but the creatures have a weakness in that they have a Queen-type creature that if killed, they all die. Type C SyFy films feature a whole swarm of killable creatures that slaughter everyone, with no leader creature. I’ve since added Type D SyFy flicks, which is when creatures battle each other, though those films can also fit in with any of the prior three types.

The hsigo of Chinese mythology (from what little I’ve found on them in English) are actually helper animals, winged monkeys with human faces. Their depiction in Flying Monkeys seems largely invented. The creatures are played by a mix of real monkeys, CGI, and gloved monster hands used for closeup shots. But let’s not forget the greatest thing of all, FLYING MONKEY VISION!

Rainbow Heart: The sign of a true killer

	Joan Palmer (Maika Monroe) – High school graduate and one day veterinarian who is getting over her mother’s death and her father’s lack of interest. Is gifted with a pet monkey, that turns out to be a killer flying monkey. It could happen to anyone! Maika Monroe is a famous kiteboarder turned movie star.
	James Palmer (Vincent Ventresca) – Joan’s absentee dad who decided the best way to get over his wife’s death was to work himself to death and ignore his daughter. He begins to make up for it just in time for the flying monkeys attack! Interesting they made the Invisible Man into the Invisible Dad…
	Sonya (Electra Avellan) – Joan’s friend who has the classic Kansan accent. She just wants to live life and party and shower without monkeys spying on her.
	Yin (Boni Yanagisawa) – Female Hunter of hsigo whose clan has been doing so for centuries under order of the Emperor. Sure, the Emperor is long dead and China’s now run by a completely different government, but the hunt continues. Yin is very intense.
	Chin-Lee (Lee Nguyen) – Hunter of the clan that was ordered to track down and destroy the rogue hsigos. Possibly the best actor in the entire movie.
	Flying Monkeys (real monkeys, CGI, gloves) – These hsigo are cute monkeys by day, vicious winged killers by night. If you kill a hsigo, you only make it split in two and both of them mad! Joan names her monkey/hsigo Skippy, though later it is revealed the hsigo’s name is Nico (a traditional Chinese name??) and if he dies, all the hsigos die. Animated without hair, because CGI hair is expensive.
	Wang (Alvin Chon) – Smuggler pilot and best character in the film!

Delicious!

InMovie News

Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators will rockodile!

March 11, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators is a real title for a real movie destined to become a SyFy classic. Fantastic director Griff Furst (Arachnoquake) is helming Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators and it took three people to write it – SyFy veteran Rafael Jordan, and Rise of the Zombies co-writers Delondra Williams and Keith Allan. This is a surprisingly strong combination of solid talent that promises an entertaining flick beyond the fact the title is ridiculous!

Jordan Hinson (Eureka) and Victor Webster (Continuum) star. I’ve never seen them in anything so I can’t give any lame snarky jokes here. So far all the info we got is from the IMDB page. When it does get an airdate on SyFy, we shall stop out gator wrasslin’ and let you know!

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