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InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Midnight Angel (Review)

April 21, 2010By

Midnight Angel

aka Ng ye tin si

1990
Directed by Jonathan Chik Gei-Yee
Written by Abe Kwong Man-Wai
Midnight Angel

Masked female crimefighters used to populate Cantonese cinema like the buffalo used to inhabit the Great Plains. Then all the buffalo got shot, and all the female crimefighters stopped being popular after the Shaw Brothers helped eclipse Cantonese cinema. But in the late 1980s, Cantonese cinema came roaring back and by the early 90s, there were lots of action films being pumped out. So it only makes sense that there would suddenly be a masked female crimefighter film in the middle of the action fest, as the buffalo have come back. Sure, this analogy is a stretch, but just go with it!
Midnight Angel

Like many Hong Kong films from the 1990s, Midnight Angel has a billion titles, including Justice Women, Wu ye tian shi, Ng ye tin si, and The Legend of Heroism.

Midnight Angel

Our copy is an exciting VHS dub, complete with extra darkness and soft images. So don’t complain about the quality, because I’ll just ignore those complaints as that’s how we roll at TarsTarkas.NET.
Midnight Angel

Ying (Yukari Oshima) – The oldest of three sisters and a cop. Her boyfriend Tak is also a cop, except he gets killed dead by bad dudes. Until it turns out he isn’t, then he is really killed dead. Yukari Oshima can be seen on TarsTarkas.NET in such films as Angel’s Mission, Deadly Target, and Godfather’s Daughter.
Cherry (Angile Leung Wan-Yui) – The middle sister and also a cop. The last of the sisters to become a masked vigilante. Angile Leung was in The Isle of Fantasy, which was my wife’s favorite film back in the day.
Jee aka Rabbit (May Lo Mei-Mei) – The youngest of the three sisters and the only one who is not a cop. Either because she is too young or because she too much of an independent spirit to be a cop. In any event, she instead becomes a costumed vigilante named Cotton Flower.
Grandpa (Shek Kin) – Grandfather who adopted three girls. I am not sure how that makes him Grandpa, but just go with it. Back in the day he was the original Cotton Flower, a secret he shared with only his best friend until his daughters start taking up his legacy. Shek Kin is also on TarsTarkas.NET in How the Ape Girl Stole the Lotus Lamp, The Furious Buddha’s Palm, and Lady Black Cat.
Police chief (Ng Man-Tat) – The chief of police who is getting orders from on high not to go after the gang causing trouble, though he can’t say why. Only notable because he’s Ng Man-Tat.
Inspector Chao (Walter Tso Tat-Wah) – A police inspector who failed to catch the original Cotton Flower, so he vows to catch this new on to regain his honor. Because masked vigilantes stopping wifebeaters is more important than the giant gang also in the city that is offing cops left and right. Walter Tso is also on TarsTarkas.NET in The Furious Buddha’s Palm, and How the Ape Girl Stole the Lotus Lamp.

Midnight Angel

Planet Hulk
InBad, Movie Reviews

Planet Hulk (Review)

March 20, 2010By

Planet Hulk


2010
Directed by Sam Liu
Written by Greg Johnson (screenplay) and Greg Pak (comic)

Planet Hulk is a storyline from the Incredible Hulk series where our favorite giant green monster gets rocketed to another planet, where he becomes a slave, a gladiator, a rebel, and finally a king, smashing things all the while. It was very popular, for good reason, because it was freaking awesome! It spawned sequels, spin-offs, and this DTV animated film. The storyline was mainly written by Greg Pak, or Robot Stories fame. Planet Hulk brings about memories of stories such as the John Carter of Mars series, Gladiator, and Conan the Barbarian. If you have the time, I highly recommend reading the story, collected in graphic novel form. It helped get me back into reading comics for a while, which was pretty difficult to do thanks to Marvel ruining things with stupid Spider-clones and crap.

The DTV film which is the subject of this review differs from the original story in several ways. One of the main differences is the fact the Silver Surfer is nowhere to be found, instead replaced by Beta Ray Bill (which is pretty random, sort of like the Silver Surfer’s original appearance in the story!) Surfer’s non-appearance is apparently due to licensing reasons. The story is also missing the Warbound Brood character No-Name, so I guess all those Brood fans will be disappointed. As the film is not so long, the story is sped up and most of the last act is hurriedly paced, even if I hadn’t of read the original story it would have felt rushed. Along with that, many subplots die by the wayside. Finally, the tragic ending of the original storyline does not occur, probably due to them wanting to end the story on a positive note and leaving the rest for a possible sequel. Hulk may be green, but Marvel wants the other green, money!

So since I loved the original story so much, that probably means I hate this version? Not quite. Despite over-simplifying it to the point where much of the flavor is removed, the same basic story is there, and there is plenty of fighting action. There are numerous scenes with the Spikes, which show someone involved in the DTV production really liked zombie movies. Parts of it are actually creepy/scary in a way they fail to be in the comic. I didn’t hate this version, I actually liked it, but I’ll be keeping the graphic novel instead of the DVD on my bookshelf.

There are numerous cameos in the audience, including Pip the Troll, Gamora, Adam Warlock, a Skrull, Star-Lord, and some guy hiding behind the Red King who might be Grandmaster. So if you are that guy who loves Grandmaster, this is the film for you.

Hulk (Rick D. Wasserman) – Hulk smash!
Caiera (Lisa Ann Beley) – Caiera is the super-powered bodyguard of the Red King who will eventually become the Hulk’s wife. She has “Shadow Strength”, which means she can make her skin rock hard and she’s very strong.
Miek (Sam Vincent) – Miek is an unhived native with black skin so you can tell him apart from the generic insect natives there as well who will die. A loner who finally finds friends and a hive in the battle arena. Most of his story arcs in the comics are excised here, Miek doesn’t even mutate into King mode.
Korg (Kevin Michael Richardson) – A rock guy from Thor a long time ago that shows up here in Sakaar, because, rocks gotta go somewhere! By the way, my high school team was the Rocks, though no one from my high school was sucked into a vortex in space and crashed on an alien planet where they were forced to fight as gladiators. When it happened to me I had to work at Hot Dog On a Stick instead.
Hiroim (Liam O’Brien) – A castout priest who believes in the Sakaarsan so much he’s very happy when the Hulk arrives to be the Sakaarsan. Good thing for Hiroim that this movie has a different ending from the comics. And I think they killed him off later in the comics so enough of this guy.
Elloe Kaifi (Advah Soudack) – Crazy revolutionary girl who is far to revolutionary for her own good and keeps getting the team into trouble. Simmer down, girl! The way to revolt is to do it in a way where you don’t get caught.
Red King (Mark Hildreth) – The evil king of Sakaar who is evil, though the movie only shows him doing a little evil stuff and not lots and lots of evil stuff.

Cicak Man
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Cicak Man (Review)

May 27, 2009By

Cicak Man


2006
Directed by Yusry Kru

Cicak Man is Malaysia’s first super-hero film and was the first Malaysian film I saw. It is not a straight film, but instead a comedy, something I was not aware of when I watched it. In viewing many films from around the world, one thing you notice is some comedy translates well, and some comedy dies a horrible death under your sink. Usually, the more talky comedy is the hardest to translate, but there is another type that is hard to pass, and that is the comedy of body language. Many comedians throughout the world have their own body language types, and it is often interesting to seen what different people see as goofy comedy. Saiful Apek is a popular comedian in Malaysian and does what I am guessing is his signature goofy style, but to many outside observers I can see how it would translate poorly into some annoying guy with spastic convulsions. I am going to admit it took me a while to get used to how he acted, especially since I thought he was just the wacky sidekick character as Yusry Kru plays the confident ladies man part really well. But Saiful Apek’s Hairi Yatim ends up getting the genetic alterations that turn him into Cicak Man (Gecko Man) and inherits all the problems that entails. And he did eventually grow on me, but this is not a film that will have wide crossover appeal or show the world the wonders of Malaysian cinema.

Super hero comedies are not a new thing in Southeast Asia, the Philippines puts out dozens of such films and Thailand has their own brand of goofy films. Cicak Man tried to be a bit more ambitious than the usual “some comedian gets wacky super powers” route and went for creating a distinct universe for Cicak Man to take place in. The setting is the city of Metrofulus, which looks to be a cross of Chicago and Metropolis, with some San Francisco thrown in for kicks. The weather is snowy, nothing like the tropical climate of Malaysia. The money there is called fulus. There is also taxes on everything. Nothing is free in Metrofulus, from riding the bus to walking on the sidewalk. It is some sort of Libertopia, except Libertopia is threatened (besides from the fact that Libertarianism is stupid) by an evil professor looking to make money off of the cures for diseases he also designs himself. Hey, it’s a free market, baby! Thus, Cicak Man must stop him before it is too late.


Hairi Yatim (Saiful Apek) – A jumpy guy, he likes Tania but is too nervous. He sort of acts like a Wayans brother. Afraid of rubber. Saiful Apek was born Mohd Saifulazam Mohamed Yusoff and is a famous comedian in Malaysia
Cicak Man (Saiful Apek) – Part man, part cicak, all cop. Or not. Cicak Man has the powers of a gecko, which means he can climb on walls and promotes Geico.”Down, Down and Away!” is a catchphrase.
Dannial Johan (Yusry Kru) – confident ladies man and Hairi’s best friend. Works in the lab with Hairi Yusry Kru is called KRU member Yusry in his director’s credit. His real name is Yusry Abd Halim, and he not only wrote and directed this film, but the sequel as well. He gets all the credit, and the blame.
Professor Klon (Aznil Nawawi) – Professor Klon speaks in third person and is doing a Jim Carrey Riddler impression. He has the satan’s horns hairstyle down pat. Professor Klon invents viruses and their cures, then releases the viruses on the city and makes money off of his patented cures. Then he is ready to take over the country by replacing ministers with his evil replicants.
Tania Ashraf (Fasha Sandha) – Klon’s secretary and object of Hairi’s desires. Fasha Sandha is a model and actress, as well as a best-selling novelist. The best part about looking up photos of her online was running across fundamentalist Islamic websites showing pictures of her in a tank top as proof of the moral rot destroying Malaysia. If that is the case, then destroy away! According to the scandal blogs, she is a homewrecker and got her current man Rizal Ashram Ramli after she stole him from his pregnant wife. Check out this gallery of her pictures!
Ginger 1 (Adlin Aman Ramlie) – The Gingers are mute, reddish versions of those albino rasta twins from The Matrix Reloaded. They are Professor Klon’s enforcers and thus enemies of Cicak Man.
Ginger 2 (AC Mizal) – Ginger 2 is just like Ginger 1, except he collects stamps. Important difference.
Evil Cicak Man (???) – All heroes need evil duplicates of themselves, it’s the law. Evil Cicak Man has a black costume, which you can probably thank Spiderman for.

Catman in Boxers Blow
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Catman in Boxers Blow (Review)

September 18, 2006By

Catman in Boxers Blow


1993 (probably really 1990)
Starring
Jonathan Isgar as Catman
Bruce Fontaine as ???
Kenneth Goodman as ???
Mark King as ???
Kenneth Woods as ???
Directed by Godfrey Ho

There is no boxer in this film. There is Catman! Catman! The savior of Thailand who helped defeat the evil Father Cheever and his gang of jugglers and headbangers while a completely different movie happened in the background is back, while once again a completely different movie happens in the background! This is the second Godfrey Ho Catman movie, after the abysmal Catman in Lethal Track, one would think you can’t sink any lower. One would be wrong, as Godfrey Ho not only takes us to the depths of Hell, he goes deep inside to Hell’s Hell. From confusing characters to seizure-inspired editing to 1/3 of the movie being shot at night on a moonless night with characters wearing black, Catman in Boxers Blow is a marvel of bad filmmaking. A spectacle that shines as a beacon of muck, inspiring films to ramp up the levels of loathsome, greasy, unlikable characters and situations just to compete in the world of trash. Godfrey Ho and Joseph Lai have truly outdone themselves with this entry.

The Movie B of Boxers Blow is a Thai action/heist movie, but is very confusing. For 80% of the time I was watching it I had little to no idea what was going on. They have a massive, massive amount of characters that are introduced with no name or explanation and disappear for 30 minutes at a time, few of which are distinct enough to even remember. Even making a chart like I will do of the characters is confusing, as many are left out in the cold due to their vagueness. The fates of some of these characters is unknown, thanks to the poor filmmaking of the Thai film and the even poorer editing of the Godfrey Ho parts. The resulting mess is less of a hodgepodge and more of a junkpile, with a few recognizable pieces of trash, but the majority has spoiled and rotted away so much you can’t stand to look at it.

Catman Lethal Track
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Catman in Lethal Track (Review)

September 11, 2006By

Catman in Lethal Track


1990

Starring
Jonathan Isgar as Catman
Johnanna Brownstein as ???
Kenneth Goodman as ???
Danny Lau as ???
Tas Lehoczky as ???
Blue Moroney as ???
Directed by Godfrey Ho

From the fiery depths of Hell comes this abomination that curses the cinematic lands. The horror that men dare not speak its name can only be conceptualized as Catman! Astonishingly, this is the more coherent of the two Catman films, which are part of the rogue’s gallery of monstrosities heaped upon the good people of the Earth by one Godfrey Ho and on Joseph Lai, two ringleaders in terror extravagance. When they aren’t producing hundred of films with “ninja” in the title in some way, they are creating many extra films of the “martial arts” genre, in that they purchase films from overseas and intersplice a few minutes of original footage and a complete overdub, thus coming up with a comprehensive plot. In theory. In practice, it’s a confusing mess, and Catman in Lethal Track is no exception. Most of the film watching time is spent trying to figure out just what in the heck is going on at the moment. The rest is waiting for Catman’s sorry behind to arrive to save the day. Godfrey Ho monstrosities that have reached TarsTarkas.NET before include Robo Vampire and Undefeatable, and we can be assured he will hit our shores again like a Luftwaffe bombardment, striking out of nowhere to make us go running for the bomb shelter.

Catman is quite simply the lamest hero to ever grace the silver screen. Not that I think these films ever were exhibited on a silver screen anywhere, or even a copper screen, or a rust screen. Catman is lamer than Rat Pfink and Boo-boo, lamer than Batman and Robin Batman and Robin, lamer than Pumaman, and even lamer than a first grader’s Halloween costume. Catman’s cat-powers include super-strength, the power to change TV channels, the power to control electronics, the power to use his bullet-proof bracelets without getting his wrists broken, and the power to teleport out of chains while causing a grenade to explode a few feet in front of him. Basically, everything your average house cat can do. Catman’s symbol is borrowed from the Eveready batteries 9 Lives’s symbol in style. Catman’s costume was patched together in a few minutes with whatever the director had left over after making 900 ninja costumes for his other films. There wasn’t enough material for a mask, so Catman wears special Catman Glasses (or Cat Glasses) that hide his identity about as effective as Clark Kent’s glasses. Come to think of it, the people in this universe are much smarter in one respect; they know who Catman is without his mask on. Probably because Catman runs around fighting crime without his mask on, like an idiot. Good thing he lives in Thailand, where his family probably is no where near. They’re never brought up, nor is any other character development for Catman. We learn more about his lame partner Gus than we do about Catman, real name Sam. No relation to the comic character who was probably lame as well (but not as lame) based on his comic covers alone. We might as well jump right in, so bear with us when things seem confusing, as Catman is a victim of the “Copfuse-a-cat” company, rendering both films nonsensical…

Cutie Honey
InBad, Movie Reviews

Cutie Honey (Review)

July 22, 2005By

Cutie Honey

aka Kyuutii Hanii

2004
Starring
Eriko Sato as Honey Kisaragi/Cutie Honey
Jun Murakami as Seiji Hayami
Mikako Ichikawa as Natsuko Aki


Based on some Anime I’ve never read or seen, Cutie Honey explodes on the screen with outlandish costumes, outlandish overacting, an overly complicated plot, and female characters who can’t seem to keep clothes on. The film tones down the exploding clothes and keeps Cutie Honey running around in her underwear, which is different from what I’ve heard about the ink-drawn source, but confirming that would make me feel far too creepy, so it shall remain a mystery for now. Cutie Honey tries to keep it’s source in mind, as many scenes and dialogue have the look and sound of just jumping off of a cartoon into reality. Some of the situations make little sense in the realm of the reality presented her, or in the real world, but one just goes with the flow. The film itself if entertaining, and does it’s job of being a mindless popcorn flick full of flashy colors, exploding things, fighting, and pretty girls.

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