Girl vs. Monster

Girl vs. Monster

Girl vs Monster
Written by Annie DeYoung
Teleplay by Annie DeYoung and Ron McGee
Directed by Stuart Gillard

Girl vs Monster

This song goes out to all the Disney stars who didn’t have a meltdown.

Take a little bit from Hocus Pocus, a little bit from Ghostbusters, and a scandalously unused title, mix it all up, and out pops a kids vs ghosts adventure that deals with the nature of fear. Disney Channel Original Movie Girl vs. Monster features children standing against the fears that cripple and control their lives, preventing them from becoming their full potential. Of course, all these fears are just simple things represented by ghosts/monsters making fun of them, but to a teenager, that’s totally the worst thing ever. Sometimes, it’s the simple things that are the biggest problems.

The monsters/ghosts are technically manifestations of fear of the living, though they essentially act like ghosts as far as the plot is concerned. They haunt you in your lives, making you more scared, from which they grow their powers. Yeah, it’s a sort of weird Monsters Inc. thing going on, and it doesn’t really make much sense when you think about it too hard. In fact, the lead character Skylar Lewis’ fear monster is the queen evil witch Deimata, and because she’s been trapped for the past 15 years, Skylar knows no fear. Like Daredevil. But then Deimata is released and Skylar is suddenly afraid and the witch is looking to possess her soul. Like Ben Affleck.

The fear equation seems like it is some sort of statement about not having fear control your life. Skylar’s friends are all cowards of various degrees, thanks to their own monsters who haunt them, controlling their lives by making them to afraid to try much of anything. The handsome boy Skylar is crushing on knows no fear, thus he’s popular. Eventually, the scared kids learn to fight back, confronting and conquering their fears by bullying them in turn. Luckily, all their fears are easily deflected, and the ghosts that haunt them dumber than a wet bag of rocks, so the worm turns quickly. There is no real fear, no real horrors, no kids shocked so traumatically they desire to end their lives or live forever entombed in their own minds. This is an entirely fictitious representation of fear, which makes it ring hollow. I understand that they were trying to make a point, but they end up just making a blunt object. Yet blunt objects can still drive in nails.

Girl vs Monster

I have devoured all the scenery and will now work on the actors!

The squeaky clean world of Disney would never allow the horrors of reality to scar their channel and their audience of pre-tweens. Their Official Disney Kid Replicant Factory is hard at work churning out the next generation of clean upper-class California cool kids, all magically ethnically diverse yet having identical faces. This entry’s model is Oliva Hold, who looks the part so well it is as if Disney crafted her from the bodies of the failed earlier models. She’s joined by Brendan Meyer and Kerris Dorsey, who stand out for not fitting the normal Disney profiles, but they only deviate enough to be In Universe acceptable as the target of bullies. The love interest shares no such deviations, he’s Ryan Dean (Luke Benward), and not only is girl melting handsome, but also the leader of the bland rock band that everyone goes gaga for. And his character is saddled with a low-rent Sharpay from High School Musical as a girlfriend. Katherine McNamara rises above her role, but she has little to work with. Until she’s taken over by the evil Deimata, at which point things become cool for a brief period. McNamara is the break out star in my opinion, which is the correct opinion.

Skylar’s ultimate ambition is to sing with Ryan in his band, a chance she has, though the monsters come to ruin things. OMG, what will Skylar do if Ryan thinks she’s not the coolest girl in the universe? Probably just die.

None of this rich kid problems talk is really what Girl Vs. Monster should be remembered for. The simple fact is the villains make the story, and Deimata is a formidable opponent. Her looks and her story makes the Hocus Pocus comparison’s inevitable, so let’s just get it out of the way and say she doesn’t compare to the three sisters from that flick. Her character is different, as is her interactions with her two ghost pals, Anna Galvan as bitter old school marm Theadosia and Stefano Giulianetti as a creepy scarecrow Bobb (neither are credited with their names, I had to pull them from dialogue!) Just why those two work with her is a mystery, perhaps Deimata has great power and they like being around that. Or maybe they’re old friends and have been together for countless child hauntings. In any event, it’s lucky that the children they haunt are friends with Skylar. Or maybe its more than a coincidence. Maybe it’s destiny. Or maybe this whole thing was a setup by Skylar’s mom to teach her about her destiny as a monster hunter by putting the entire town in danger. Always bet on conspiracy!

Girl vs Monster

I’m here to audition for the new Mask reboot!

Skylar Lewis (Oliva Hold) – Daughter of Steve(Brian Palmero) and Julie(Jennifer Aspen), Skylar is unaware that she is the latest in a long line of monster hunters, and that her lack of fear is due to her fear monster being imprisoned. But all that changes one fateful Halloween. Like usual.
Sadie (Kerris Dorsey) – Skylar’s nerdy friend who is totally afraid of not doing well at school. I blame her parents, who are so horrible of parents they don’t even appear in this movie.
Henry (Brendan Meyer) – Skylar’s dorky male friend, completing her pair of unlikely friends. Everyone makes fun of Henry, because kids are jerks. We learned this from Cyberbu//y
Cobb (Adam Chambers) – Cobb works for for Skylar’s parents and is training to hunt monsters, which somehow involves dressing like a hipster. Helps clean up Skylar’s mess and tell her how to save the day after her parents get ganked.
Ryan Dean (Luke Benward) – Skylar’s cute boy crush, who plays in a band so there can be song tie-ins for additional digital download revenue for Disney. Expect the Avengers to also be in a band by the next movie. He’s hella popular, which is why he dates Myra Santelli instead of Skylar Lewis. Take that, Skylar!
Deimata (Tracy Dawson) – The very powerful leader of the local group of fear monsters that wants to possesses Skylar’s soul. It’s also implied she killed Skylar’s grandfather (or maybe was also his fear monster)
Theadosia (Anna Galvan) – A fear monster that manifests as an evil school marm and luckily is Sadie’s fear monster.
Bobb (Stefano Giulianetti) – A fear monster who manifests as a creepy scarecrow, becoming a literal straw man fallacy when his attempts to bully Henry are torn down.
Myra Santelli (Katherine McNamara) – Henry’s girlfriend, who is bad because she’s sort of snotty against Skylar after correctly deducing Skylar is trying to move in on her man. Gets injured emulating Skylar, then possessed by Deimata, at which point Katherine McNamara steals the film.

Girl vs Monster

Skylar, comin’ for YOU!

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Wargames 2: The Dead Code (Review)

Wargames 2: The Dead Code

Directed by Stuart Gillard

It’s War Games 2: The Dead Code, the latest DTV sequel of a movie that last hit theaters when most video renters were still in diapers. Thanks to the magic of constant reruns on TNT, USA, and HBO, everyone who is anyone has seen the original War Games over a billion times. Everyone learns that the only winning move is not to play, than Matthew Broderick changes his grades via computer, and that all programmers leave back doors. Now, War Games has been updated for the new millennium, with a girl computer, modern kids, and the War on Terror so in your face you won’t be able to sneeze. Join us as we encounter War Games 2: The Dead Code, and find out if your childhood has been raped, or merely felt up by your crazy uncle!

As we all know, the Dead Code is up up down down left right left right…no, wait, that’s the 40 lives code. The Dead Code is something new, and we’ll have to watch the film to get. Dammit! Our characters for this radio drama include:

Will Farmer (Matt Lanter) – Our main character whose name sounds super generic. Has a sick, chemical genius mom and a dead father. A compute whiz and hacker/phreaker. Able to seduce chess babes with but a single glance. Evades government security like he’s bin Laden.
Annie (Amanda Walsh) – A girl in chess club who becomes Will Farmer’s lover interest because she is a computer hacking pro. Excuse me while I don’t believe a word of that. Anyway, by the end of the film they are on their way to hacking each other’s naughty bits, and maybe Will will be lucky and find her backdoor password.
Dennis Nichols (Nicolas Wright) – Friend of Will Farmer, master of Stargate MMORPG, trash talker, hanger out in basements, and standard sidekick character.
Bill Carter (Chuck Shamata) – Head tech guy for the RIPLEY project, worried RIPLEY may have gone too far. Another old school hacker.
Kenneth Hassert (Colm Feore) – Horn-Rimmed Glasses. Arrogant guy in charge of the RIPLEY project. Spends most of the film being a jerk and talking down to generals and admirals he is supposed to be impressing for funding. Then suddenly becomes competent in the final section. Colm Feore was President Richard Adar on Battlestar Galactica, which means he should have experience with crazy machines armed with nuclear bombs. All this has happened before and will happen again.
Old Guy (Gary Reineke) – He is just an old guy, nothing to see here…
RIPLEY (Claudia Black)- The new computer is a girl. It is also crazier, more dangerous, and more intelligent. So, yeah, a girl. What does R.I.P.L.E.Y. stand for? Who cares, the film sure doesn’t care enough to tell us! The film used the Aliens and Talented Mr. Ripley jokes, so we will run the “Believe it or not!” joke down your throat until you beg for mercy.

So let’s get rockin’! In Afghanistan (home of Afghan blankets), the director is getting all stylish as jeeps jumping over dunes in slow-motion. The jeeps are driven by a bunch of Eurotrash gangsters and hookers meeting other Eurotrash gangsters who desire hookers, all of which are supposed to be the Taliban or something. They get bombed dead by an unmanned Predator drone. Shock and awe, indeed. If you take a close look at the missiles carried by the unmanned Predator drone, you will see it says “Inert”. I’ve never seen inert explosives explode so large before! We find out the bombing was ordered by RIPLEY, a girl computer! Believe it or not! Computers can’t be girls, so I choose not to believe.

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