It’s Brazilian Star Wars! Yes, just like Turkish Star Wars, only much much worse. In fact, as Turkish Star Wars becomes a fun film after a spell, Brazilian Star Wars just becomes more and more painful. Noticeably, Brazil does not have a Cunyet Arkin. They don’t have a Harrison Ford, or even a Jabba the Hutt puppeteer. Not even the Wookiee Soft-core Porn and Bea Arthur of The Star Wars Holiday Special. They do have four annoying losers known as Os Trapalhões (aka The Tramps.) The problem with Os Trapalhões is Os Trapalhões. Os Trapalhões just plain sucks. The Tramps are like the Three Stooges, if the Three Stooges never made a funny film, did worse slapstick than a Fatty Arbuckle trial, and used “funny” video editing techniques to speed up or slow down their performance. The Tramps entertained a generation of young people in Brazil, and if you want to know how they turned out, just watch City of God. TarsTarkas.NET takes a brave stand by entering into this world of hopelessness, because we feel it’s our duty to guide you to the promised land on the other side. Our one true hope is this site doesn’t denigrate into a gang-ridden slum.

This film follows in the tradition of Turkish Wizard of Oz and Turkish Star Trek by inserting characters into a popular story. In this case, four characters are dropped into the middle of a “Star Wars”. The Tramps did several films like this, including versions of The Planet of the Apes and The Wizard of Oz. Sadly, we are dragged along for the ride. Os Trapalhões are four members: The one that has Moe’s haircut (Moe Guy), the one that’s a black guy (Black Guy), the one that’s dirty-looking (Dirty Guy), and the one that’s wearing a biker hat (Hat Guy, the main character). Hat Guy is the leader in this film. What are their real names? I could look that information up, but these guys are terrible and after finishing this recap I will be huffing several gallons of gasoline in order to damage my brain enough to forget this experience. I no longer trust repressed memories after Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life. Okay, I lied, I looked up some of it. Hat Guy is really Didi, played by Renato Aragão, who’s second wife grew up watching him on TV. Dirty Guy is played by Dedé Santana (and is known as Dedé.) Black Guy is played by the actor Mussum. Moe Guy is Zacarias. The one good thing about this film is it’s lack of dialogue, which keeps you from having to try to decipher a complicated plot. The version I watched was subtitle-free, but the story is easy to figure out, even though most of the rest of the film is confusing beyond all means of describing. Brazil compensated by adding a revolting disco soundtrack, so the same few beats will repeat over and over again, increasing the torture. We won’t get anywhere by complaining, so let’s get cracking and enter the world of Os Trapalhões na Guerra dos Planetas. Break out your lightsabers, it’s a wretched hive of scum and villainy ahead…

Star Wars Holiday Special

1978

Starring
Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker
Harrison Ford as Han Solo
Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia Organa
Anthony Daniels as C-3PO
Peter Mayhew as Chewbacca
James Earl Jones as Darth Vader

Not a movie, but easily the most bootlegged video in the galaxy, and also easily makes Episode I look like Citizen Kane. Heck, it makes Turkish Star Wars look like Citizen Kane! No small feat, to say the least. This relic from the seventies is ripe with long, trippy musical sequences that would bore any child into submission. The regulars from Star Wars act as though they were carved from floorboards minutes before the cameras started rolling, a few of who are also full of more drugs than East Hollywood. Guest stars litter the special, some annoying (Art Carney) and some terrifying (Harvey Korman) and Bea Arthur, who should have known better. The holiday we are celebrating is “Life Day” and is a Wookiee holiday, the plot of the special involves getting Chewbacca home in time to see his family. Would our only exposure to Star Wars be this project, we would all be cheering for the Emperor to execute all the rebels and display their heads on the hood of his private shuttle. This is bad. Real bad. Mean bad. Watching this is a war. Not a Star War, a Nuclear War, and the Fallout and Waste is what is left of your brain at the end.

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