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InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Corporate Fantasy (Review)

May 5, 2012By

Corporate Fantasy


1999
Directed by Charles Randazzo
Written by Catalina Larranaga and Garrett Clancy

Mystique films brings us some office-based romance with Corporate Fantasy. You know a softcore is more high class because pseudo-popish songs playing during the action scenes as opposed to light jazz. The film should be sexy, but parts of it are dry and parts crammed in. Catalina Larranaga wrote the film with Garrett Clancy, I get the feeling she wrote the main story and he “punched it up” with the models and other additional sex scenes. Which is fine, you gotta sell the film somehow, and the story is still intact.

The styles of the film date it as a 1990s film, even if it comes at the tail end of the 1990s. Office attire for women is so period specific that you can’t get around it. Thus, right now the film looks older than it is because of the fashion, but in 10 years the film will look less old because some of those fashions/hair styles will be back in style. And kids who weren’t just hitting the offices in the late 90’s won’t even be familiar enough with the fashions to recognize it as dated, so it will blow right past them. Those of use who grew up in the era and witnessed models wearing the same clothes with the same hairstyles don’t see the fashion as a big deal at all, and the glamorous fashion helps Corporate Fantasy look like a much more expensive film than it probably is.

Daisy Dawson (Tracy Ryan as Tracy Smith) – Daisy is the young new attractive employee at the advertising agency that becomes the target of everyone with a Y chromosome. Daisy is shocked, shocked that this could happen, especially after the disaster that was her last relationship. Can things come up roses for Daisy? Or come up daisies? But not pushing up daisies, because that means people die. This is Corporate Fantasy, not Corporate Massacre! Tracy Ryan was active in both soft and hardcore films (her hardcore aliases include Avalon) and had a whole pack of names she went by.
Gloria (Catalina Martone as Catalina Larranaga) – Gloria is the older, more experience, more bad of the three girls, but not so bad she’s evil, she just has sex with married dudes while at the office. But she’s a hard worker and cares about her friends. Catalina Martone is familiar to anyone who saw her dozens of softcore films from the 90s and 00s. And she helped write this one.
Tammy (Susan Featherly) – She’s southern. Did you know she’s from the south? Because her southern accent just shelled Ft. Sumter. Susan Featherly was a softcore actress active in the late 90s-early 00s, appearing in films such as Andromina: The Pleasure Planet, The Awakening of Gabriella, and Virtual Girl 2: Virtual Vegas.
Orlando (Jarod Carey) – The sort of nice guy at the office who occasionally gets caught up in the filthy shenanigans of his fellow male coworkers.
Blake Tyler (John Gallucci) – The sleazy manager of the agency and chief promoter of the sleazy guy behavior and office theft. John Gallucci is a pretty good actor, I’m surprised he’s hardly in anything.
Kevin (Karl Preston) – Kevin is the blond guy who is married, but that doesn’t stop him from doing Gloria. He also rips off his workplace and commits sexual harassment.
David (Brian Nowak) – Loyal mailclerk and secret CEO. Shhhh! Don’t tell anyone he’s really the CEO. Even though it’s a bit obvious…

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot (Review)

April 28, 2012By

Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot


2011
Written and directed by William Burke

I must go, but you can always catch my lone movie role in Robot Monster!

Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot gives us what we want – Bigfoot running around a nudist camp! Also we got UFOs, crazy dudes, the Loch Ness Monster, and goofy fun. It all rolls up into a Sasquatchtacular adventure and some fun late night viewing.

The overall plot is fun and quick paced, there never seems to be a point where things drag out, which can be a problem with some of the softcore films. The actors are all energetic, and most put on a naturalistic approach to acting, feeling like real friends that you are hanging out with rather than characters. Albina Nahar is the standout actress who almost steals the show, she’s having a lot of fun. But everyone does their jobs very well, the chemistry is great, even the chemistry of everyone hating Dirk! The Sasquatch costume is well built, though it looks a tad familiar. There are a few technical problems, some of the outdoor scenes are a bit overexposed. There is also an editing problem, where there are a few shots that seem to be focusing on an item (for either a joke or an emotional punch) but we either don’t get a clear view of the item or a shot of it wasn’t edited in in post. A notable examples is the floating tarot card of The Lovers at the end of Veruca and Flower’s sex scene, the card is not seen clearly and I only recognize it because I’ve seen a copy of the tarot deck they are using. This actually made me sad, because that stuff made the scenes more creative. William Burke obviously had fun setting up the many many many many weird positions for some of the sex scenes, and several other examples of having fun with sex scenes (i.e. the speed up sequence that explains why Mike is tired) show care was taken in every part of the film.

Prudence and Veruca watch the funniest episode of 2 Broke Girls ever!

Let’s talk about Bigfoot! Longtime readers will probably not be surprised to know this is not the first film I’ve seen with Bigfoot sexing up a girl and with Bigfoot raping a dude. I’ve even seen Ape Canyon in a theater with the director there! There is a whole subgenre of films with Bigfoot sexing up women or raping them, and let’s not even get into the books/fan fiction. Just look up Sasquatchploitation for more info than you ever want to know. Another common Bigfoot trope is UFOs, both in films and in real life Bigfoot sightings. It’s just cooler to say you saw Bigfoot and UFOs instead of just one.

Where did you find a waiter in the middle of the swamp??

The Sasquatch in Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot is not mean spirited or Bigfoot being overly perverted, he just seems to get aroused when the women are already running around naked for various reasons, though he’s perfectly willing to do the deed when offered (or not offered!) The opening credits take form of comic book cover and panels by Aaron Lane and help give us the feel that the whole thing is too pulpy to take serious. And will we see a whole series of Sweet Prudence dealing with erotic paranormal encounters? Maybe we will, if you buy enough DVDs/watch it on Cinemax/Maxgo!

Hey, that UFO has a “Mystery Spot” bumper sticker!

Prudence (Angie Bates) – Former cryptozoology major looking to regain her reputation and degree by capturing photos of Bigfoot. Innocent and sweet, incapable of lying, and incapable of lying in wait without pleasuring herself. Best friends with her roommate Veruca.
Veruca (Albina Hussain as Albina Nahar) – An erotic blogwriter under the pen name Salimae, Veruca is more interesting in looking for thrills instead of looking for Bigfoot. But she supports her friend Prudence and dreams of lumberjacks to help spice up her writing. Instead, she finds commune girls, but that’s just as good or even better…
Flower (Heather O’Donnell) – A hippie tarot zen master guru in charge of the local naturalist retreat where Bigfoot has been spotted recently. A big believer in visualizing good thoughts and manifesting them into reality.
Mike (Michael Slade) – Prudence’s friend and schoolmate who was unjustly dragged into the loss of his degree due to her shenanigans. Helps her track down Bigfoot thanks to some convincing, and finds love while doing so.
Ginger (Lynzey Patterson) – Freespirit worker at the naturist retreat who is the first to spot Bigfoot. Is practically insatiable.
Dr. Dirk (Luke Gallo) – A Bigfoot hunter who also came to the resort in secret. Is abrasive, loud, obnoxious, foulmouthed, and seems totally out of place from the rest of the cast and their granola free love attitudes.
The Creature (Daniel Moshe Johnson) – He’s Big! He’s got a foot! Okay, he’s got TWO feet! It’s Bigfoot, and he’s trapped on Earth and naked women are everywhere! What’s an ape to do?
Nothing can go wrong with this plan!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros (Review)

April 26, 2012By

Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros


2010
Written and Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Hey! Zip it while I’m translating ancient ruins, buddy!

We’re back in black and back in bikinis for yet another entry in the ever-growing Fred Olen Ray Bikini Movie Madness! This time, the world of Indiana Jones gets bikinied a Bikini Jones! Join that ever-sexy science field of archeology as Bikini Jones seduces her hands onto the Idol so she can unlock its secrets before the never-do-wells get their mitts on it and on Bikini Jones’s own golden idol. Bikini Jones features many of the regular cast members circa 2010, most of which have appeared in enough films it’s simpler just to link to their tags than to list all the films over and over again for each actor. Fred Olen Ray reuses the talent because they can get the job done, and done right, and done quickly. But mostly done right.

The later seasons of The Dog Whisperer started to throw in gimmicks for ratings…

Bikini Jones is fun, has fun things going on, and is worth your time. But don’t take my word for it, read the review and then take my word for it! Wait a minute…

Olsen Twin Cop! She’s a cop, and an Olsen Twin.

Dr. Bikini Jones (Christine Nguyen) – A famous archeologist and expert in translating ancient languages. And at having lots of sex. What do you expect when you name your daughter Bikini? The Jones family should be banned from handing out names…
Evilla Cruella (Heather Vandeven) – Again with the names that force their owners into a life out of their control. Evilla Cruella was doomed from the start. She’s from Hobokin, but comes from a long line of Morons. Wants to be ruler of Moronica.
Carol Summers (Rebecca Love) – An excellent cypher from the Department of National Antiquities…or is she????
Drago (Frankie Cullen) – Frankie Cullen shows up playing what probably would have been the Evan Stone role, as Evilla’s main henchman. Does the dirty work and the dirty deeds.
Mr. Martin (Ted Newsom) – The CIA boss who hires Bikini Jones so they can stop Evilla from getting her hands on Moronica.
Mark X (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Oh….THAT GUY.
Janette the Security guard (Brynn Tyler) – A security guard straight from that school from the Armed and Dangerous movie… Brynn Tyler is the only newcomer in this flick.
Sacred Idol of Eros (himself) – The most famous idol from Eros….ever!
The Guardian of Moronica (CGI) – Moronica is full of rocks, Morons, and this guy, who eats everyone. No wonder Moronica’s economy is in the toilet…
What do you call a tyrannosaurus that talks and talks and talks? A dinobore! I’ll be here all week, folks.
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dirty Blondes 2

April 22, 2012By

Dirty Blondes 2


2006
Directed by Francis Locke

Good thing these ancient Indians wrote “Made in Malaysia” on this ancient pot in English…

Dirty Blondes 2 is the Speed 2: Cruise Control of the Dirty Blonde Franchise. Which I think is just these two films, as another feature called More Dirty Blondes doesn’t seem to be related at all. Dirty Blondes 2 continues the riveting Dirty Blondes story, as two teams search for evidence of American and Polynesian contact, though this time instead of looking for pottery, they’re looking for a stone dildo. Because that proves…something. Whatever. The classic Dirty Blondes tropes are there – sexy archeology, female archeologists don’t wear pants, female archeologists take long showers and have sex with all of their digging partners, and long-missing ancient artifacts with Earth-shattering secrets are just lying on the ground in mint condition.

Torchlight Pictures, Francis Locke, and Blade Simpson combine together for another softcore with almost three minutes of plot stretched between many long long long long long long long sex scenes. And let’s not forget a liberal use of one long long long long long long long sex scene from the previous film. My theory is the budget was whatever Torchlight Pictures found while rummaging though the couch cushions. We all know the name of the game, so let’s meet the players:

The Dirty Blondes Collection, coming this fall to Marshall’s!

Tina (Nicole Oring) –Tina is an archeology student who is very lucky at finding amazing discoveries lying in plain sight. Can she find something amazing by the end of the film, in between her constant getting naked? Find out! Nicole Oring is a model and softcore star (including Pretty Prisoners of Chloro Conspiracies and Bare-Skinned New Girls’ Scary Bondage Surprise!), but also was in Single White Female 2: The Psycho!
Professor Rich (Ben Campezi) – Professor running the new dig for the ancient dong. He has the diary from the first film, which you would think would be in a museum or something. Someone call Indiana Jones to punch this guy until it hits a museum! is an adult film star who usually works in male on male cinema, he’s handled more hogs than a pig farmer in such films as Musclemen Moving Company Inc, Oiled Up Hunks, and Straight Jocks Confess
Lisa (Xara Diaz) – Lisa is one of Professor Rish’s students, and instead of digging she just wears the artifacts! Except for when Rich takes them off to have sex with her. Xara Diaz is an adult actress who has handled more packages than UPS in such fine films as We Were Tied Up and She Was Naked!, Sexz Latinas, and Finger Licking Good.
Guy at Basecamp A (Dino Bravo) – This guy doesn’t even get a name, and he spends most of his time staring at Tina, except for when he’s having sex with Tina. Dino Bravo is an adult star (who ganked his name from a wrestler!) that’s given more rides than one of the coin operated kiddie machines outside a grocery store in such films as Gov Love: The Eliot Splitz-her Story, Boning Bonita Chicas, and Not Married with Children XXX
La-la-la, getting naked for no reason, la-la-la
Dirty Blondes
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dirty Blondes (Review)

April 19, 2012By

Dirty Blondes


2004
Written and directed by Francis Locke

The only thing you need to know is “Bottomless Archeology”

From Torchlight Pictures comes another softcore flick involving five minutes of plot and 80 minutes of getting it on. This time, the action concerns groups of archeologists at two dig sites and their exciting adventures of digging up some bowls the producer bought at Ross that weekend. One of the two locations of the action is the Mojave Desert, which is played by the desert location that is used in a lot of Torchlight Pictures films. Dirty Blondes even spawned a sequel that takes place in the same desert. The pair of titular Dirty Blondes are not in the desert, but are located in set piece number two, a lush rainforest. This helps break up the monotony of the bleak desert landscape. Let’s also applaud Dirty Blondes for not having any scene be set in a hotel, like most of the other Torchlight Pictures desert features.

Francis Locke breaks out another picture that has its plot on the ultra-Slim-Fast diet. The songs of Blade Simpson (if that is his real name) is used for the soundtrack, which is the same Blade Simpson CD used in practically every Torchlight film that uses him as a soundtrack. Familiar music can sometimes be comforting, such as the familiar music in the Fred Olen Ray Bikini movies or the songs in Jim Wynorski flicks.

Once again, the world of archeology is sexy. It’s the most sexy science field according to all these softcore flicks, where they’re always uncovering ancient sexy civilizations or spirits of queens or artifacts that make people want to bone. You rarely see biochemists getting it on.

Let’s get this archeological dig started, Indiana Jones style! As for the dudes in the cast, I don’t know who is who for Rafe or Scott Alexander, so I’m sadly not able to mention humorous porn titles they’ve been in. It will be a mystery for the ages.

Phillip (???) – Leader of Team Mojave and a noted archeologist. You’ve probably heard of him. The famous Phillip. Employs his sister and women he has sex with. No conflict of interest here.
Jenny (Allysin Chaynes) – Team Mojave member of the archeology crew, spends most of the film either without pants or without a shirt. She’s only without both during the sex scenes, which she’s also in a lot of. Allysin Chaynes is an adult film actress who has been hammered more than a blacksmith’s hammer in such fine films as Double Penetration Virgins 8: DP Commandos, Look What I Found in the Street 5: Bus Stop Edition, and Long Dong Black Kong 1.
Rex (Frank Fortuna) – Member of Team Mojave who spends most of the film having sex with his female teammate Jenny. Frank Fortuna is an adult film star who has gone deep into more trenches than James Cameron in such films as Unbelievably Blond; Panties, She Wrote; and Cream Filling 2: Refill
April (Holly Hollywood) – One of the two Dirty Blondes and a lesbiarcheologist. She is part of Team Bora Bora and Phillip’s sister. The famous Phillip that you’ve heard of. Holly Hollywood is an adult film actress who also has appeared in a score of softcore adventures such as The Erotic Mis-Adventures of the Invisible Man and The Model Solution.
Debbie Korvich (Jana Cova) – The other Dirty Blonde and the second lesbiarcheologist. Team Bora Bora. Has an accent. Jana Cova has had her curtains parted more times than the Fox Theater in such adult films such as Who Let the Cats Out, Lesbian Truth or Dare 1, and They Tied Me Topless.
Laka (Teanna Kai) – A native girl at Bora Bora who is friends with the Dirty Blondes. Like all Bora Borans, she runs around topless, has had a boob job, and has sex with random surfer dudes. Teanna Kai is an adult film performer who has been packed more than the Cheesecake Factory on a Friday night in such films as Lettin’ Her Fingers Do The Walking, Rub The Muff 7, and Private Sports 3: Desert Foxxx.
Joe Torrence (???) – Surfer Joe Torrence is all about the perfect wave and looking for his dead father’s body. Dr. Torrence is his father and the evil Dr. Drake Mordecai is Joe’s uncle.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Erotibot (Review)

October 8, 2011By

Erotibot

aka Karei naru erogami-ke no ichizoku: Shinsô reijô wa denki shitsuji no yume o miru ka aka The Great Ero-gami Family – Do Sheltered Young Ladies Dream of Electric Butlers? aka 華麗なるエロ神家の一族

2011
Directed by Naoyuki Tomomatsu

Erotibot is the story of a girl and her robots, and also a cautionary tale of why you should never share an inheritance.

Erotibot is one of the scores of direct to video junk Japan films each year. It probably wouldn’t even leave the land of the rising sun were it not for the presence of Asami Sugiura and Maria Ozawa in the cast. As Asami Suguira gained fame in the West after appearing in many of the Noboru Iguchi ultragore films, and Maria Ozawa is one of the most downloaded AV stars, overseas sales are assured.

Despite the “star” power, Erotibot isn’t really a star vehicle for either of them. It also doesn’t fit well into the genre Asami Sugiura is known for. And while Maria Ozawa is well known for being a most prolific star of pornography ranging for normal to beyond frakked up, her more serious acting turns are not that well known. Besides appearing in the most recent batch of Kekko Kamen flicks, she’s also popped up in a horror movie or three. But that’s about it. Erotibot is not exactly a feather for her cap, if you know what I mean. It’s interesting (sort of), but it isn’t good.

Sukekiyo (???) – Sukekiyo is your average goofy robot butler who daydreams about his mistress loving him. Is fiercely loyal to Tamayo. The only waterproof robot. Android 0.3.
Suketomo (???) – Suketomo is the perfect robot butler who does everything right and shows up Sukekiyo at every chance he can get, including banging Tamayo. But he gets reprogrammed and goes evil. Just like your Macbook Pro will next week! Android 0.1.
Suketake (???) – A silent robot with beastlike strength and a crazy head. The least developed of the three robots. Android 0.2.
Tamayo (Mahiro Aine) – Tamayo is the illegitimate daughter of a rich businessman who keeps her isolated from the rest of society and is given robot servants. This has made her curious about sex, which the internet cannot answer. She must have the parental controls still active or something…. Mahiro Aine enjoys playing piano, eating strawberry shortcake, and having sex on film for money.
Tsukiyo (Maria Ozawa) – The legitimate granddaughter of the rich businessman who is upset that she won’t be getting any money. So it’s time for murder. MURDER!!!! Also murder. A crazed psychopath who likes handsome guys. Maria Ozawa exploded onto the AV world several years ago and became one of the most obsessed over stars.
Azami (Asami Sugiura) – The imaginatively-named sidekick to Tsukiyo who accompanies her on her quest to claim the inheritance. Asami is the former AV star who has appeared in many spaltter films and gained a cult following in the US. She’s been on TarsTarkas.NET in The Machine Girl, RoboGeisha, Mutant Girls Squad, Gothic & Lolita Psycho, and Horny House of Horror

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