Secret Lives

July 23, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Secret Lives

2010
Written by ???
Directed by Austin Brooks

Grey Poupon jokes forever!

As we’ve seen time and time again, one of the major story types of softcore films are murder mysteries. These plots help gives softcore some pulp street cred (erotica is a long-standing pulp tradition) as well as adding danger elements to help make the films more exciting. Many of the films are essentially episodes of detective shows, modified for the personality of the lead and given sequences that would make NYPD Blue blush. Mainline Releasing/ MRG Entertainment has a slew of them, so Secret Lives will become an example case.

Secret Lives goes along at a leisurely pace, a type of realistic storytelling that shows us characters walking the whole way through buildings, having long conversations and monologues, and seems more of a play expanded to film and then stuffed with padding to justify the sets and stock footage. But weirdly enough, that sort of makes it feel more real, that these characters who are part of this fantasy sex world have to deal with some of the same problems that everyone faces. And our heroes are no angels, they endanger their case and their jobs and even their lives, saved by the fact the killer seems to have left her mind far behind

Agave??? Give me the rat poison!

Also there’s lots of wang in this movie. Which is good for softcore, even if it’s not my thing, because there are couples that watch these film, even if it isn’t the target audience. And it’s cool to toss the ladies or gay men a few “bones” now an then, even if it is only soft bones. People who have a problem with that probably have their own

We’re led to believe that Kenzie is the main character from the beginning, but we actually follow Detective Mick Ferguson around for most of the film. The “secret lives” hinted by the title only makes sense if you view the relationship of the main characters – which they try to keep hidden to protect their career and cases – as a sort of secret life. But it’s not really that secret, and by the end they just realize hiding things will just leave to problems. The big flaw is there is no real resolution. Kenzie and Mick commit to staying together, but even though we know who the murderer is, things are left to offscreen characters to find the evidence and save the day.

Secret Lives features stylized flashbacks, including several long sex sequences. An effort is made to keep the viewer from being confused while still running through the checklist of things required for softcore cinema. The pacing is something that may put people off, but it lends Secret Lives a bit of distinction in my eyes. Secret Lives throws some expected ideas out the window while still delivering other common tropes, a creative mix that is welcome in an environment that can grow stagnant.

	Detective Mick Ferguson (Brendan Connor) – Police detective who is trying to balance his love life with his job, a special problem now that his one night stand turned possible girlfriend turns out to be the new Assistant District Attorney, Kenzie. Detective Ferguson must also solve the murder of model Ashley Taylor. Brendan Conner also stars in Alien Sex Files 3: Aliens Gone Wild
	Kenzie (Beverly Lynne) – The new Assistant District Attorney, who gets off to a bad start possibly compromising cases and having inappropriate relationships. Then she goes and interviews suspects without saying what she’s doing. Kenzie used to be a model – which paid for law school – and lived in the house Ashley was murdered in with Diana Marks. Beverly Lynne has been in a ton of films featued on TarsTarkas.NET.
	Diana Marks (Krissy Lynn) – The roommate of murder victim Ashley and constantly arguing with her. Has been a model for a long long time. Is only mostly crazy. Krissy Lynn also stars in She’s So Anal
	Ashley Taylor (Angelica Saige as Angelica Sage) – The murdered girl, she appears in various flashbacks, usually yelling at people or having sex. The mix of passions spells her doom. Angelica Saige starred in Go Hostagettes!
	Jason Tillman (Chris Johnson) – Ashley’s boyfriend, he left the apartment before she was murdered, but as she was killed by poison, can’t be ruled out because he may have poisoned her before he left. Was constantly dealing with Ashley’s jealousy. Chris Johnson also starred in Grand Theft Auto: XXX Parody
	Lady Cop (Mell Flynn) – Cop on the scene at the murder that gives Ferguson the rundown. Mell Flynn was also in an episode of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant
	Dean Foss (George McFadden) – Weird art photographer and Diana’s boyfriend. Is creepy, but that’s just a red herring (like communism!) According to IMDB, he’s been in nothing else, which means this is probably not the name he’s usually credited under.

Completely hidden by her camouflage!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Birthday Sex

July 7, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Birthday Sex

2012
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by Austin Brooks

The best birthday ever!

Birthday Sex! We all know the song, we all jam it up on the radio, we all sang it ironically on our birthdays and then moved on to some other song. And now, Birthday Sex is also a softcore flick from our friends at Mainline Releasing, your home for movies that often have more to say than what they appear.

It’s Mia’s 25th birthday! Which is cool because she gets a parade of birthday presents that suddenly become terrible presents and her whole outlook on life changes and this birthday becomes the worst birthday ever that’s also the best birthday ever in the long run. Mia’s 25th is time for her to hit a crossroads, where much is made about how she suddenly wants to grow up and be responsible and boring, while her current boyfriend Tyler just wants to live life and party. Now, I’m not going to get into a big discussion about when it is okay to settle down and when you should still be up all night to the sun for good fun, because each person has their own journey in life. 25 is enough time to have had fun, and to be aware of yourself enough to know what you want in life, though that is far from a requirement at that age (and Lord knows I had no clue and am still winging it years later!)

GRRRR!! No one mocks my green earthenware tea set that matches my jacket and green apple paintings!

Obviously, Mia took the Jimmy Eat World line from Praise Chorus seriously, that “even at 25, you gotta start sometime” One wonders if she though no one liked her at age 23 when she was amused by tv shows. One interesting aspect that may be a coincidence or may be on purpose, is that the actress playing Mia has a butterfly tattoo, and later you see butterfly posters on the wall. Symbolically, the butterfly is the mature form, released from the cocoon, while Mia’s journey sees her growing up and becoming the mature form of Mia. She leaves behind her caterpillar boyfriend Tyler to go hang with the fellow butterflies and the flowers.

Packed in this crisis of lifestyle choices are Mia’s two friends, the party girl Kristen (who is crushing on Tyler) and the bitter Sara (who hates all men because she was dumped once!) Never fear, a love interest surfaces in nice guy Simon, but will he and Mia get together, or will all these roommates and different goals and hormones get in the way of a love of the ages. Birthday Sex, surprisingly romantic despite the raunchy title and late night Cinemax air dates.

Tina Hawthorne is rapidly becoming my favorite softcore film writer, to the point where I’m now seeking out some of her films. I don’t know if she’s a real person or just a pen name, but the writing is good, nevertheless. (she also wrote Naughty Reunion, which dealt a lot with the relationships between the various high school stereotypes.) Director Austin Brooks also helmed Sexual Quest, which was another film more about relationships in a marriage than the actual sex, which there was a lot of.

The “I Kicked That Guy Out and Now Feel Guilty Pose” is only for advanced yoga enthusiasts.

	Mia (Amber Rayne) – Our birthday girl who does the titular birthday sex, then promptly breaks up with her boyfriend and has a sort of quarter-life crisis trying to figure out what she wants in life. Amber Rayne’s acting ability increases with the quality of the actors she’s opposite of. She’s like some sort of acting sponge. Another ear or two and she’ll be holding her own with mainstream stars. Amber Rayne was also in something called Black in the Crack: Black in the Back 2.
	Simon (Brandon Ruckdashel) – Mia’s coworker who has been crushing on her since forever. Is a nice dude, thus Sara targets him for destruction. Brandon Ruckdashel continues to be an awesome actor, see more of him in Cougar School and The Sex Spirit.
	Kristen (Sadie Katz) – Mia’s roommate who has the hots for her boyfriend, Tyler. Luckily, Mia and Tyler ain’t together no more 15 minutes into the film, leaving a romance option open. Which is sort of bad for Mia, because it happens the same day in the same house, which is her birthday. But it all works out in the end. Sadie Katz wrote the upcoming film Scorned.
	Sara (Misty Anderson) – Bitter roommate of Mia who hasn’t gotten over being dumped by her ex and now hates all men. She attempts to prove she’s not so bad by sleeping with and then instantly rejecting her yoga teacher Mike. Then she wants to take down Simon. Will this ice queen ever thaw?
	Tyler (Kenneth Blake) – Mia’s boyfriend who isn’t ready to commit or do anything serious, and it takes an act of extreme bravery on his part to even offer her a key. Thus, they’re dumped, he feels sad until Kristen offers to brighten his mood. The Inaccurate Movie DataBase seems to think Kenneth Blake has only been in one other film, Online Crush.
	Mona Landers (Tanya Tate) – Owns Mona Landers Publicity, where Mia and Simon work. I’m not sure what Mona does there except have sex with Frank and order Mia and Simon to do work. But I guess it’s good to be the king. She has an odd accent that made it hard to follow what was going on. Tanya Tate is also in Strap Attack 14: The Rules Have Changed.
	Frank (Alan Stafford) – Employee at Mona Landers Publicity, whose job it is to landers Mona all the time. Also he’s a messenger or something. But unofficially he’s a dude who gets it on. Alan Stafford is also in Horat: The Sexual Learnings of America for Make Benefit Beautiful Nation of Kaksuckistan.
	Mike (Ryan Driller as Jeremy Bilding) – Sara’s yoga instructor, one of those yoga instructors who come to your house to your special yoga room for one-on-one sessions. Does Sara even have a job? How can she afford all this? Anyway, Mike and Sara do some unofficial yoga positions while naked, and despite her rejecting him right afterwards, they end up together at the end because of yoga power. Ryan Driller is also in MILF Massage Team.

Extra whip? You pervert!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dark Fantasies

July 6, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Dark Fantasies

2010
Written by ??? (no credit I could find)
Directed by Jay Robie

Can’t stop looking at dream porn! Nmmgh, yeah, baby!

A tale of sexual dreams turned dark Inception twists makes Dark Fantasies one of the more mean-spirited softcore flicks. It also opens things up to many deep questions. In Dark Fantasies, characters enter shared dreams and have sex with each other, which is at first described as “guilt-free!” But a character hides his involvement in the experiment because he knows it will upset his partner, and it does, leading to more consequences. Beyond that, things get creepy as the Professor begins intruding in the fantasies and having sex with the girls, which begs the question of just how consensual those sessions were. Dark Fantasies seems to draw conclusions as to what the boundaries are, but a tale that opens such questions deserves a closer look. Also there is lots of softcore sex for those of you into that sort of thing…

Because of the darker tone, Dark Fantasies has a more limited target audience. That’s always a price to be paid with these softcore films, some people are couples who like light-hearted stories to get in the mood, while others watching are an audience eagerly awaiting the nude scenes and eager to skip all the boring talking parts. In addition, the group of people who wish to discuss the themes of Dark Fantasies will be even smaller. But for that one guy, here’s hoping this lives up to your expectations!

The dreams are a bit stylized, mostly appearing in similar-looking rooms that are part of whatever house the director rented that week. The ending of each features thunder cracking and a weird phasing effect. At no time do people fly or turn into giant crabs or suddenly are skiing down yogurt sculptures of Joan Rivers like in my dreams, but maybe the sequel will secure $30 million for dream CGI effects.

I’ll continue this interview once I’m done watching the game on the tiniest tv ever!

Mainline Releasing Group/MRE is given props for exploring storylines that do more than just move from sex scene A to sex scene B, but can stop and make you think a bit. Each one is like a small drama story that’s then frontloaded with naked people rubbing and grunting on each other. While not everything is a hit, and even some of them are good only for their concepts than their actual stories, the creativity being shown is a winning effort that deserves praise.

Despite the fancy scifi Inception reality of shared dream sexing, Dark Fantasies gives us some respect by not inventing some sort of dream cam that people watch. Instead the nefarious Professor Carlton just has to stare blankly at an EKG monitor. Is it any wonder he went insane with power and decided to try the dream sexing himself? Of course, he chooses women who aren’t 100% willing until he dream cons them, and that’s ignoring his study isn’t quite in line with the American Psychological Association’s Ethics Code, which probably means big fines and academic suspension. If he wasn’t arrested. Spoilers.

	Megan (Reena Sky) – A college student dating Kyle and living the good life of a house too expensive to afford and apparently not even going to school or work. But storm clouds are on the horizon that threaten her relationship with Kyle. Clouds called psychology! Reena Sky is also in Pleasure Spa, and also something called Munch Box. I am sure that is about the Texas Instruments TI-99/4A home computer game Munch Man.
	Kyle (Rocco Reed) – College student who is dating Megan and driving Carrie wild because she can’t have him. But he’s prone to doing dumb stuff, like getting involved in experiments where he can have sex with chicks in his sleep, without thinking that maybe he shouldn’t be doing things like that without telling Megan. Rocco Reed was Commander William Riker in Star Trek: The Next Generation – A XXX Parody.
	Carrie Branson (Isabella Sky) – College student who likes her psychology professor, Dr. Carlton. She’s also very jealous of Megan and Kyle’s relationship and attempts to sabotage it by getting Kyle involved in the dream sexperiment. Isabella Sky was in something called Pimp My Ride and Nail Me Inside.
	Professor Maxwell Carlton (Steve Crest as Jack Lawrence) – Arrogant psychology professor who runs a dream experiment where people travel into each other’s dreams and have sex with them. Takes over and just has sex with every girl experimentee he can. Steve Crest is a former professional cyclist turned actor and porn star, you will be able to see in him Cool Cat Saves the Kids.
	Amber (Melessia Hayden as Melissa Jacobs) – Another member of the sexperiment squad, she’s used as a pawn by Carrie to recruit Kyle as part of Carries master plan to break people up. Melessia Hayden is also in Pleasure Spa and Naughty Reunion.

That “Dream Big” sign in the backgroud….foreshadowing or just lucky set decoration?

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sex Pets

May 27, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Sex Pets

aka Lost and Found

2011
Story by Eddie Powell
Written by Mona Sunoy
Directed by Eddie Powell

I know you purposefully hid my dog to spend more time with me, but you did it while wearing a beret!

Hey, remember that movie Lost & Found, about a guy who helped his hot neighbor find her dog, while the dog was at his apartment the whole time? Well, a movie called Lost and Found was filmed in 2011, which was basically the hardcore porno version of Lost & Found. And thanks to the magic of creative editing and filming a few alternate bits, Sex Pets is the softcore version of Lost and Found. So, yes, Sex Pets is a softcore version of a hardcore version of a David Spade romantic comedy. You got to wonder how many films can claim the same thing, and my guess is a whole zero.

Yes, 19 boxes filled with framed pictures of me with my dog. Why does everyone thing that’s weird?

Sex Pets follows the same basic plot (though it doesn’t later get complicated like Lost & Found does) with a guy sick of the hookup culture making friends with the newly single hot girl next door and her friendly pooch. Egged on to craft a web of lies by his friend Steve, David lets Jen believe that her dog Boz is still missing after he’s found it just so he can spend more time with her. Because we have to make time for the sex scenes, the plot never gets too complicated, and you know from the start that Jen and David will end up together. The sex scene feature minimal music, often there is no noise except the acting of the actors. I would even say it is too quiet in the background.

Sex Pets is one of those films where I cared more about the plot than I did about the sex. Which is an odd thing to say about a movie called Sex Pets, but it is the truth. One thing Sex Pets does have is some cool cinematography. It looks amazing!

That’s the worst Mpreg Brony art I’ve ever seen!

	David (Xander Corvus) – 20-something slacker tired of the hookup culture and looking for a relationship culture. But instead gets involved in a pile of lies with his neighbor, Jen, and instead of crafting a believable lie to get out of it easily, instead screws it all up. Luckily, the plot dictates he’s adorable enough for Jen to give him another chance. Spoilers.
	Jen (Allie Haze) – Newly divorced woman who now lives for her dog, Boz. Boz runs away because Boz likes to initiate complicated romantic comedy plots in his spare time. Ends up sending lots of time with nice guy David as he helps her find her dog, not knowing she’ll be ultimately betrayed. But Jen seems to like betrayal…
	Vicky (Kimberly Kane) – Steve’s girlfriend who realizes her boyfriend says and does dumb things from time to time, but is in love with him regardless. Also tries to correct the problems her boyfriend and David cause.
	Steve (Chad Alva) – Steve and his girlfriend Vicky spend almost their entire screentime playing video games. I would say this character was an exaggeration, but I know many many many many many many many many people his age who do the same things. Steve is the one who has the bright idea to lie about the dog to spend more time with Jen.
	Meg (Lexi Belle) – Jen’s friend, an overly-excited creative artist. Lexi Belle is the Anna Kendrick of softcore versions of hardcore versions of mainstream films.
	Roger (Tony De Sergio) – Meg’s boyfriend, who is somehow more weird.
	Girl 1 (Zoe Voss) – Woman David is having sex with at the beginning of the movie, who is not interested in a relationship.
	Boz (Boz) – Boz the dog is like always high or something. And then he gets lost. Jeez, Boz, get a grip!

Finally a film captures a true slice of life of 20-something America!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sexy Assassins

May 13, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Sexy Assassins

2012
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Nichols

The best art protection in town!

Mainline Releasing throws down with another softcore crime film, this time taking place in the world of assassins. It’s hard to be an assassin for hire, what with the murdering of people and the fact you have constant, constant sex (which one would think would get in the way of the murdering, but don’t worry, Sexy Assassins figured an out!) But it is nigh time that these valiant sexy assassins got their due in movie form.

If Sexy Assassins is anything, it’s a low-budget film that looks a lot less low-budget than you would think. MRG does not skimp on the cinematography, and while I wouldn’t call things overly creative, it is professionally shot and lit, looking theater-quality good. The lower budget shines through with the lack of characters and the fact no one seems to go out in public. Every room is obviously a room in someone’s house, be it the office of a hotel. In fact, some parts of this house I recall from other films where people are bumping uglies. Either that, or I’m starting to merge all these giant Hollywood mansions that get rented out into one super mansion. Which could also be the case.

Sexy Assassins is just a straightforward assassins trying to figure out who the traitor is plot, and as there are only so many characters, only so many can be guilty. Besides that, it’s most notable feature is the mirroring of the beginning and ending sex scene and its violent conclusion. While Justine Joli is smothering her target during the throws of passion, she comes off as powerful and in control, taking down a man who probably deserved it. When Jason Sarcinelli does the same to Michelle Maylene in the end, it comes out more disturbing, with shades of domestic violence. Even though we know that her character Serena tried to kill both Sarcinelli and Joli’s characters. She’s guilty and has been seen doing so in the film, and possibly will be killing Sarcinelli seconds later. Yet it just feels weird, because he’s obviously so much more powerful than her. Also SPOILERS!

Please don’t read this screencap, it is classified. Thank you.

Justine Joli’s sex is very into it as opposed to Michelle Maylene’s more laid back and talking sex enjoyment. Both of the actresses are primed to be more vocal and pornographic in their performances, which give more enthusiastic life the proceedings as things become raw passion. Sex seems a matter of life and death in importance, and it literally is!

While Sexy Assassins looks cool, the disturbing end just throws a big damper on the whole thing. It becomes more of a snuff film, or those old roughies where the sexy was usually ended with heinous violence as a substitution for sexual release. Your enjoyment depends on just how you respond to such things. Despite that, I like the Tina Hawthorne/David Nichols team (assuming those aren’t just pseudonyms for the same person!), they brought us Naughty Reunion and their films go over a bit of emotional things that other softcores don’t bother with.

	Layla Clapton (Justine Joli) – A sexy assassin that is one of the few people who can wear an “Everything I kill I fuck” shirt non-ironically. Soon finds out the sexy assassin business might be a bit more treacherous than it seems. Layla Clapton, eh? Where is her sister, Tears In Heaven Domino?
	Serena (Michelle Maylene) – Layla’s secretary, who claims to believe Layla’s cover story as a security consultant, but secretly knows the score, and is looking for a score of her own! Michelle Maylene can also be seen in Cougar School, The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, and Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite
	Max Houser (Jason Sarcinelli) – A simple messenger, or a master sexy assassin? Well, this isn’t called Sexy Messengers! Hired to kill Layla, but knows bigger things will happen if things change.
	Damon (Michael O’Sullivan) – Layla’s manager who gives her new assignments and handles the business side of things. But he’s a businessman first and a loyal businessman second.
	Mason (Spencer Houston Hill) – Layla’s tech guy who takes care of the computer things, does hacking,, fingerprint ID, all that fun stuff. In exchange, he does fun stuff with Layla.

She handcuffed me and then stole the frame from the painting!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.

May 7, 2013ByTars Tarkas

The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.

2007
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

I keep mine next to my Merry Marvel Marching Society card!

In TarsTarkas.NET’s quest to eventually get around to things, several Fred Olen Ray Bikini flicks are on the bucket list. So let’s begin to empty said bucket(which sadly had been buried beneath a pile of thousands of buckets filled with thousands of lists since 2004!) The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I. is the first of the Tanya X movies (so first that she’s called Tania X here!), which went on to have two sequels (Bikini Royale and Bikini Royale 2) and a webseries that I believe was edited into another film. But this is the one that started it all.

Attica! Attica!

The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.‘s biggest problem is the date rape sequence. I’ve watched enough of these types of films that I know that slipping a woman some drugs that makes her super-horny is occasionally a thing, but here it’s done in an ultra-sleazy manner and Tanya wakes up with memory loss the next day. It’s disturbing.

Something that is interesting is the scene where Mong Lee (played by white actor Evan Stone), a sort of white warrior servant who wears mixed Asian combat garb, dresses in yellowface as a super stereotypical Asian person, right down to greasy black hair, ridiculous Coke-bottle glasses, and buck teeth. He wears the disguise over his own clothes, which bulge out from underneath, and it is insanely obvious that he is not what he appears to be. Needless to say, the disguise works. The thing is, is this disguise racist, or is the character using Asian stereotypes that the heroes fall for to his advantage to do his job, despite not being Asian? And if so, would that make the heroes racist, and Mong Lee someone who takes advantage of the ignorance of the masses? These are the questions asked by so many people watching these Skinimax flicks at 2am!

Mission: Impossible 5 was almost as bad as Mission: Impossible 2!

While the problems all go away by the next Tanya X adventure, we must discuss them, because them’s the rules. The spy genre’s campy nature makes it a ripe ground for parodies, allowing the adding of fantastic elements in addition to the expected hot babes in little clothing. The genre’s mainstream acceptance also means there will be spy erotic parodies for decades to come. Heh-heh-heh, I said “come!”

	Tania X (Beverly Lynne) – Secret agent of B.I.K.I.N.I., put on the case to track down who is interfering with the Sensible Satellite Radio signals.
	Mr. Whatley (Brad Bartram) – The boss of B.I.K.I.N.I., at least until the next film…
	Mark Ten (Voodoo/Alexandre Boisvert) – Agent of the CIA who becomes part of the case as he’s tangentially related with his bodyguard duties.
	Samantha Rhinehart (Rebecca Love) – Heir to the Rhineheart family that owns Sensible Satellite Radio, is a nymphomaniac (the best kind of maniac!) Was being guarded by Mark Ten, who brought her along when he teamed up with Tania X to find out what’s going on.
	Patty Mercury (Nicole Sheridan) – Stripper who knows of information concerning the jamming of agent satellite feed. All strippers are well versed in satellite communications information. That and clear high heels.
	Mong Lee (Evan Stone) – Fay Wong’s servant Evan Stone’s wacky costume this movie is vaguely Japanese warrior garb. How did this warrior come into service of Fay Wong? That is a tale that is for you to write!
	Fay Wong (Gianna Lynn) – Tong warlord and secret mastermind behind the plot to control agent radio signals. Not sure why, because this plan won’t make any money and will just put a target on her back from every spy agency in the world.
	Randolph Davis (Randy Spears) – Rich businessman who is up to nefarious deeds for cash. He’s also a date rapist, so fuck this guy!
	Kim Chee (Lacie Heart) – Fay Wong’s lady friend that she does lady friendly things with, those lady friendly things being sexual in nature.
	Nikita (Anthony Hardwood) – That show Nikita is pretty good, and the other, earlier show was also good. And the movies are various levels of good. This Nikita isn’t a show or movie, but is a Russian agent who gets caught in Tania X’s web of seduction. And then caught in her right hook.

The Mime from BIKINI!

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