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One Million AC/DC
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

One Million AC/DC (Review)

February 19, 2007By

One Million AC/DC


1969
Starring
Susan Berkely as ???
Gary Ken as ???
Billy Wolf as ???
Sharon Wells as ???
Jack King as ???
Natasha as ???
Directed by Ed De Priest
Written by Ed Wood, Jr!!!! (as Akdon Telmig)

“This film meets requirements set forth in the code of the ADULT FILM PRODUCERS ASSOCIATION.” Too bad it doesn’t meet requirements set forth by GOOD FILMMAKING!

AC/DC is a detestable mess full of repulsive, greasy actors going at it like chimpanzees on Spanish fly. The incomparable One Million AC/DC is on a DVD with The Mighty Gorga, and probably because they both share a common T-Rex puppet used for bad special effects. The puppet, however, is the pinnacle of effects in AC/DC, as opposed to the low point in The Mighty Gorga. They get worse, much worse. The puppet isn’t even used half the time, otherwise it is a static plastic toy tyrannosaurs who moved by a hand just below the fake mountains. Now, bad special effects can be forgiven if there is a good story. There story here is just an excuse to get the cast naked so the audience can get off. Written by Akdon Telmig, who you might know better as Ed Wood, Jr.!!! Yes, after becoming a depressed alcoholic, Ed Wood was forced to write semi-adult films under pseudonyms. Besides this mess, he also wrote the cult classic about a Venus flytrap man The Revenge of Dr. X, which we’ll be reviewing the second we get a hold of a copy. The one redeeming factor on the film’s terrible pun title is you can make jokes about AC/DC songs: “He’s got big balls, And she’s got big balls, But we’ve got the biggest balls of them all” That would get old quick, so we won’t be doing it. The plot is around a tribe of cavepeople, and their sex, orgies, sacrifices, and winemaking. Exciting stuff, and historically accurate, just like the movies The Patriot and Braveheart.

Olaf (???) – Olaf is the hero of this piece, as so far as it has a hero character. Sounding like Peter Graves, Olaf yet retains a Eastern European name despite being one of the few actors without an European accent. He is the man of Marla, and uses the deadly bow and arrow to slay the ferocious T-Rex puppet/toy.
Banger (???) – Banger is the local artist for the tribe, instead of joining in the orgies all he does is just paint pictures, both of orgies and of random other things, including the sisters of fellow tribe members. He’s one of those cavemen stuck in the 1960s. Instead of happy little trees, it’s happy little sleaze. Helps invent the bow and arrow, thanks to drawing it on the wall.
Helga (???) – One day out picking fruit, sweet Helga was captured by The Gorilla, who did her “Gorilla Style” until she couldn’t get enough of his banana. Once you go gorilla you never go back.
The Gorilla (??? in a gorilla suit) – The horniest ape of the Stone Age, The Gorilla can only quench his throbbing thirst for flesh by pinching a local blonde cavegirl and using her for all his crazed apelust needs.
Chief Jabba (???) – I’m not sure the character name for this ode to gluttony, but Chief Jabba fits nicely. The head of our tribe of horny, girl-sacrificing wine drinkers, Chief Jabba doesn’t do much but sit there, look upset, and shout a few words to announce a couple of major scene transitions. Probably ate the original tyrannosaurus special effects, forcing a last minute replacement of a dime store toy.
Marla (???) – Marla is Olaf’s woman, and she no longer wants him to associate with Luga, the evil blonde girl. She forbids Olaf from being with Luga during the Big Orgy. Provides moral support to Olaf in his quest to kill the T-Rex. Luga is less than thrilled with the prospect of losing some man-meat, so they tussle.
The T-Rex (A puppet and a toy) – Last seen in The Mighty Gorga, crappy T-Rex puppet is back, this time to harass some sex-crazed cavepeople! As an added bonus, T-Rex is played in long shots by a immobile toy wiggled by a stagehand. For those of you feeling things couldn’t possibly get worse than the Gorga footage, you are sadly mistaken. T-Rex is killed by Olaf and his bow and arrow.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil (Review)

February 5, 2007By

Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil

aka Tera Jism Our Mera Dil

19??
Starring
???? as Suret
???? as Mami
???? as Doli
???? as Pajama Pimp
???? as Dunkin Donuts Guy
Directed by Ragava Rao

Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil is an Indian “erotic” film. Please note the quotes. There are several points that can be brought up here thanks to the term Indian “erotic” film. First of all, many of you know that Indian films become controversial if actors and actresses even KISS on screen, much less do the bedroom bam-bam. Fire director Deepa Mehta was criticized for having lesbians (and lesbians named after Hindu gods for worse!) and eventually had to no longer make films in India, while Kama Sutra director Mira Nair had her filmed banned in both India and Pakistan. There was even problems with the terrible C U at 9 film because the characters dared kiss and imply sex. No one mentions anything bad happening to the creators of Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil, mostly because there is absolutely no information about this film. Anywhere. The opening title and final “End” are also both presented in full screen, while the film is entirely widescreen. That, and the fact the film seems to have been edited by a weedwacker undergoing an LSD trip, provides a mess of confusion, and works into my theory that this film doesn’t want us to know anything about it. Least anyone find out that people from India like to have the sex (there’s only a billion of them, so they must be entirely chaste!) and go after the actors and actresses here (some of the women are probably on lone from the local real brothel.) So instead of filling you with lots of background information and giving you lots of fun facts, I’m drawing a big blank. There is little if any connection to films we’ve reviewed before, and there will be likely no connection to anything we review in the future. Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil is destined to be alone, stranded in the wilderness of TarsTarkas.NET to be rarely mentioned again.

The film is undoubtedly NOT erotic. It is in fact the opposite of erotic. It is derotic. The cheap VCD I got also has zero subtitles, thus confining the plot of the film to guesswork. There is some sort of plot, as someone ends up getting stabbed with a scythe at the end, but the particulars aren’t exactly forthcoming. So enjoy the guesswork. Even without the product being explained, one can recognize a stinker when you smell it. And this one’s stench is undeniable, reeking from across the globe all the way from its home in India, plaguing the land and killing crops. The print of the film was stored in a room full of running power sanders, where it was thrown around the room by many moving fans, thus causing the rapid decay in film print quality. Third generation bootleg tapes have been known to be clearer. From what I can figure out, there are essentially two movies going on simultaneously, and they do not connect in the slightest. Godfrey Ho would be proud. Movie A is the main flick, with Suret the horse boy. Movie B is a “hilarious” brothel romp that is not hilarious and downright stupid. Enough complaining, but we must get started. One cannot escape their destiny, and we’re on a mission from God to get through Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil so you don’t have to. The quest begins!

Emmanuelle 2000
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise (Review)

January 22, 2007By

Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise


2000
Starring
Holly Sampson as Emmanuelle
Shauna O’Brien as Maggie Henson
D.J. West as Philip Henson
Anthony Skordi as The Sultan
Gabriella Hall as Ashley
Brad Bartram as Matt
Robert Donovan as Justin
Aysia Lee as Keiko
Directed by Kevin Alber (as Ura Hee!!)

Everyone knows Emmanuelle. Okay, almost everyone. Originally from a book, The Joys of a Woman by Emmanuelle Arsan, the series has grown, evolved, been ripped off, and moved into many different forms. The original Emmanuelle film debuted in 1969, titled Io, Emmanuelle, and most people have never heard of it. They have heard of the 1974 version, which starred Sylvia Kristel, and probably many of the other versions with a revolving door of actresses. Being a high class film that also involved a woman exploring her sexuality, it is safe to watch with your girlfriend, at least more safe than Interracial Gangbang Vol. 18. Emmanuelle spawned many sequels, most of which were in name only, and a long running series of rip off films titled Emannuelle, note the singular M in the name. These films usually starred Laura Gemser, who is often called the Black Emanuelle. There is also a randomly titled Yellow Emmanualle, and an “Emmanuelle” shows up during Bruce Lee’s journey through Hell in The Dragon Lives Again. Modern versions of the Emmanuelle films flourished with the advent of cable TV and new actresses, as well as a cable series with Sylvia Kristal reprising her role, telling stories to a fellow airline passenger that allowed younger girls to play her in flashbacks to have buckwild sexcapades. Modern series of Emmanuelle include the Emmanuelle in Space series and Emmanuelle 2000, which is the subject of this review.

The Emmanuelle 2000 series is a group of films that look suspiciously like episodic TV episodes combined with some random connecting material. Co-creator Rolfe Kanefsky said at The Erotic Mind-Control Story Archive (http://www.asstr.org/~JR_Parz/FavMoviePageUpdate1.htm):

As for the concern about Emmanuelle and Pretty Cool. Here’s the back story. Alain Siritzky wanted to make a series of Emmanuelle films that ripped off “Being John Malkovich”. I came up with the structure for the series concerning the headband and necklace to make the whole concept portable. I also thought that the inventor should be a cripple to give the series more heart. By entering the mind of someone else, they can experience things that they can’t normally because of the wheelchair. Looking back now, this was a bad idea for an erotic series. HBO didn’t like the idea of a handicapped person and only aired one episode.

Similar Emmanuelle series include Emmanuelle in Space (7 films) and Emmanuelle’s Private Collection (1 film released so far: Emmanuelle the Private Collection: Emmanuelle vs. Dracula) There are 8 films in the Emmanuelle 2000 line:

  • Emmanuelle 2000
  • Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle’s Intimate Encounters
  • Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise
  • Emmanuelle 2000: Being Emmanuelle
  • Emmanuelle 2000: Jewel of Emmanuelle
  • Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle and the Art of Love
  • Emmanuelle 2001: Emmanuelle’s Sensual Pleasures
  • Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle Pie (a reedited overseas version of Pretty Cool, with sex scenes added to make it Emmanuelle. There is a sequel in the works but I don’t know how related it is)

Background information is cool, but let’s get on with the recap!!!


In Hot Blood
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

In Hot Blood (Review)

October 16, 2006By

In Hot Blood


1968
Starring
Doris Porro as Rita
Ruth Colon as Roberta
Tom Zolfo as Photographer
Dolores as Sandy
Directed by Leo J. Rhewdnal (Probably Joel Landwehr)

An Asianish model gets involved with sex, drugs, bananas, and lesbianism, and then everyone dies.

That’s the whole movie right there. Okay, fine, you want more in depth. Well, there isn’t that much more in depth. Perhaps we can talk about the origins of the film, who Leo J. Rhewdnal really is, the history of roughies, and the righteous soundtrack. It totally rocks. The soundtrack is the type of cool jazz music they rarely make anymore, the kind of music you’d play when you need to get motivated to do practically anything unpleasant, and you’d get finished before you even know it. Sad, that most of the songs are uncredited, and I’ll probably never hear them again except if I were to replay this movie. The only thing ruining the soundtrack is the narrator, as In Hot Blood follows the Coleman Francis line of movie production and had no sync sound. Something very common for this type of picture, as guys in raincoats weren’t exactly caring what the actual plot is, or if Rita’s lips were moving perfectly with the sound. They would care if her lips were moving perfectly with the banana. Which they do. Later in the film.

This film has oral sex with a banana. Take that, Brown Bunny! Actually, take that, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, your carrots are no good here anymore. Director Leo J. Rhewdnal is credited, speculation over just who he is has raised one possibility. A film student named Joel Landwehr (rearrange the letters of “Leo J. Rhewdnal”) was active making short films in the mid-to-late 1960s, and probably this and another sexplotation movie named Fluctuations to either learn the film business or to earn money for tuition or to fund more serious projects, or possibly both. (Some of this is cribbed from DVD Drive-in) Something Weird dug this up, like they dig up so many wonderful things, and threw it into a triple feature (with The Ultimate Degenerate and The Lusting Hours, which I won’t be reviewing here.) Just to be technical, this film is a type known as a “Roughie” which was a cheaply produced nudie/violence flick (because nudity alone doesn’t get the release, we need the violence pay off!) that was shown in back alley theaters. Now the back alley theaters are in your living room!

Summer Lover
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Summer Lover (Review)

August 9, 2006By

Summer Lover

aka Xia ri qing ren

1992
Starring
Alfred Cheung Kin-Ting as Ting
Veronica Yip Yuk-Hing as Siu-Yuk
Vivian Chow Wai-Man as Liza
Loletta Lee Lai-chun as Janet
Max Mok Siu-Chung as Chung
Russell Wong as Zeniger
Directed by Clifton Ko Chi-Sum

A lovable loser meets the girl of his dreams, only she’s a spirit sent by magical VCD to obey his commands. This timeless tale hit the modern update, though it’s been played out in many media over the years. From genies in bottles to magic internet women, the story has been told many times before, and will be told many times after. This particular telling, though, is the one we are interested in. Summer Lover is not just an NC-17 late-night sex movie. In fact, there is little sex, though it’s in there. Most of the film is lighthearted comedy, in the vein of the early 1980’s teenager movies with the adult joke, aka the legion of bad Porky’s clones that dotted the 1980’s like beer cans on the side of the highway Sunday morning. Summer Lover‘s biggest difference is the particular method of the ladies. The women come out via magical VCD, a technology that’s getting phased out for DVDs. VCDs are huge in China and Asia, while VHS reigned supreme here in America. The women call themselves Laser Ladies, where in the US they’d be VHS Vixens, and now would be DVD Dolls. See, timeless!

This film is based on the Japanese Manga Video Girl Ai, which I have never read and have no intention of reading ever. I guess magazines where women come to life from VCDs is popular or something, but if Marvel ever put out something like that, it would probably almost sell as well as the New Universe titles. Anyone remember that? I was like 7, but I knew a bad decision when I saw one.

Our hopeless hero is Lifeguard Ting (Alfred Cheung), who is the total stereotype dateless guy. He’s got the bad hair, the big glasses, the bad job, and is a total klutz. Ting yearns for his love Liza (Vivian Chow), who he’s friends with but cannot get. Whenever Ting sees Liza, he bleeds, calling it the “Blood of Heroes.” Today is Ting’s birthday, but Liza cannot attend his party tonight. Ting’s friend is named Zeniger (Russell Wong), who is also Liza’s on again/off again man. Zeniger is a pretty boy, overshadowing his odd name. Ting has another friend named Chung, who is the movie’s horndog character. Ting’s party for the evening turns out to be just a tape for lonely guys that pretends to have a party going on. Ting’s friend Chung calls him up and wants to go looking for some “instant noodles” (aka prostitutes), but they end up going to a VCD store (aka a Laser Shop.) A magic VCD store (aka a Magic Laser Shop.) Run by a white guy. A magic white guy. You know he’s magical because he’s effeminate and is wearing a white long-haired wig. Luckily, he’s Cantonese fluent and can direct the two boys around, as he says the shop is specially made for brokenhearted people. Ting’s first impulse is to buy a Donald Duck VCD (which would have made a very odd sex movie….) but the manager directs the two lonely guys to the adult section. He gives them some special VCDs, each one featuring a different lady. Different magic ladies.

The Seniors
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Seniors (Review)

June 27, 2006By

The Seniors


1978
Starring
DENNIS QUAID!!! as Alan Darby
Lou Richards as Steven Elliot
Gary Imhoff as Ben Adler
Jeffrey Byron as Larry Bronson
Rocky Flintermann as Arnold
Priscilla Barnes as Sylvia
Alan Reed as Professor Heigner

Ever wonder what 1970’s college sex comedies look like? You have? That’s odd, because really no one cares. Not one bit. This is the 21st Century, we are saturated with good sex films, mediocre sex films, terrible sex films, Skinimax, Showtime, HBO, the Internet, The Lion King, and Girls Gone Wild. Going down memory lane is a waste of time for our instant gratification society. Once you head down that path, you encounter junk like this that makes you wonder how people in the Seventies could watch such trash, until you remember everyone was on drugs. That also explains disco. The drugs. Seriously, just look at Staying Alive. They’re all high on cocaine. Cocaine would help with this film immensely. If you enjoy long drawn out plot filler (but little actual plot), sex scenes with little nudity (and not much sex), and long montages to terrible 70’s folk rock, then this movie is your holy shrine! This movie managed to be a beginning point for Dennis Quaid, while several other stars give swan songs or almost swan songs. Let’s not forget the nobodies who went no where. Most of them died undignified deaths such as being stabbed in a clamdigger bar or trampled by emus or by swallowing a Slinky. Just kidding, none of them ever swallowed a Slinky.

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