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Birthday Sex
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Birthday Sex

July 7, 2013By

Birthday Sex

Birthday Sex
2012
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by Austin Brooks

Birthday Sex

The best birthday ever!


Birthday Sex! We all know the song, we all jam it up on the radio, we all sang it ironically on our birthdays and then moved on to some other song. And now, Birthday Sex is also a softcore flick from our friends at Mainline Releasing, your home for movies that often have more to say than what they appear.

It’s Mia’s 25th birthday! Which is cool because she gets a parade of birthday presents that suddenly become terrible presents and her whole outlook on life changes and this birthday becomes the worst birthday ever that’s also the best birthday ever in the long run. Mia’s 25th is time for her to hit a crossroads, where much is made about how she suddenly wants to grow up and be responsible and boring, while her current boyfriend Tyler just wants to live life and party. Now, I’m not going to get into a big discussion about when it is okay to settle down and when you should still be up all night to the sun for good fun, because each person has their own journey in life. 25 is enough time to have had fun, and to be aware of yourself enough to know what you want in life, though that is far from a requirement at that age (and Lord knows I had no clue and am still winging it years later!)

Birthday Sex

GRRRR!! No one mocks my green earthenware tea set that matches my jacket and green apple paintings!


Obviously, Mia took the Jimmy Eat World line from Praise Chorus seriously, that “even at 25, you gotta start sometime” One wonders if she though no one liked her at age 23 when she was amused by tv shows. One interesting aspect that may be a coincidence or may be on purpose, is that the actress playing Mia has a butterfly tattoo, and later you see butterfly posters on the wall. Symbolically, the butterfly is the mature form, released from the cocoon, while Mia’s journey sees her growing up and becoming the mature form of Mia. She leaves behind her caterpillar boyfriend Tyler to go hang with the fellow butterflies and the flowers.

Packed in this crisis of lifestyle choices are Mia’s two friends, the party girl Kristen (who is crushing on Tyler) and the bitter Sara (who hates all men because she was dumped once!) Never fear, a love interest surfaces in nice guy Simon, but will he and Mia get together, or will all these roommates and different goals and hormones get in the way of a love of the ages. Birthday Sex, surprisingly romantic despite the raunchy title and late night Cinemax air dates.

Tina Hawthorne is rapidly becoming my favorite softcore film writer, to the point where I’m now seeking out some of her films. I don’t know if she’s a real person or just a pen name, but the writing is good, nevertheless. (she also wrote Naughty Reunion, which dealt a lot with the relationships between the various high school stereotypes.) Director Austin Brooks also helmed Sexual Quest, which was another film more about relationships in a marriage than the actual sex, which there was a lot of.

Birthday Sex

The “I Kicked That Guy Out and Now Feel Guilty Pose” is only for advanced yoga enthusiasts.


Mia (Amber Rayne) – Our birthday girl who does the titular birthday sex, then promptly breaks up with her boyfriend and has a sort of quarter-life crisis trying to figure out what she wants in life. Amber Rayne’s acting ability increases with the quality of the actors she’s opposite of. She’s like some sort of acting sponge. Another ear or two and she’ll be holding her own with mainstream stars. Amber Rayne was also in something called Black in the Crack: Black in the Back 2.
Simon (Brandon Ruckdashel) – Mia’s coworker who has been crushing on her since forever. Is a nice dude, thus Sara targets him for destruction. Brandon Ruckdashel continues to be an awesome actor, see more of him in Cougar School and The Sex Spirit.
Kristen (Sadie Katz) – Mia’s roommate who has the hots for her boyfriend, Tyler. Luckily, Mia and Tyler ain’t together no more 15 minutes into the film, leaving a romance option open. Which is sort of bad for Mia, because it happens the same day in the same house, which is her birthday. But it all works out in the end. Sadie Katz wrote the upcoming film Scorned.
Sara (Misty Anderson) – Bitter roommate of Mia who hasn’t gotten over being dumped by her ex and now hates all men. She attempts to prove she’s not so bad by sleeping with and then instantly rejecting her yoga teacher Mike. Then she wants to take down Simon. Will this ice queen ever thaw?
Tyler (Kenneth Blake) – Mia’s boyfriend who isn’t ready to commit or do anything serious, and it takes an act of extreme bravery on his part to even offer her a key. Thus, they’re dumped, he feels sad until Kristen offers to brighten his mood. The Inaccurate Movie DataBase seems to think Kenneth Blake has only been in one other film, Online Crush.
Mona Landers (Tanya Tate) – Owns Mona Landers Publicity, where Mia and Simon work. I’m not sure what Mona does there except have sex with Frank and order Mia and Simon to do work. But I guess it’s good to be the king. She has an odd accent that made it hard to follow what was going on. Tanya Tate is also in Strap Attack 14: The Rules Have Changed.
Frank (Alan Stafford) – Employee at Mona Landers Publicity, whose job it is to landers Mona all the time. Also he’s a messenger or something. But unofficially he’s a dude who gets it on. Alan Stafford is also in Horat: The Sexual Learnings of America for Make Benefit Beautiful Nation of Kaksuckistan.
Mike (Ryan Driller as Jeremy Bilding) – Sara’s yoga instructor, one of those yoga instructors who come to your house to your special yoga room for one-on-one sessions. Does Sara even have a job? How can she afford all this? Anyway, Mike and Sara do some unofficial yoga positions while naked, and despite her rejecting him right afterwards, they end up together at the end because of yoga power. Ryan Driller is also in MILF Massage Team.
Birthday Sex

Extra whip? You pervert!

Dark Fantasies
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dark Fantasies

July 6, 2013By

Dark Fantasies

Dark Fantasies
2010
Written by ??? (no credit I could find)
Directed by Jay Robie

Dark Fantasies

Can’t stop looking at dream porn! Nmmgh, yeah, baby!


A tale of sexual dreams turned dark Inception twists makes Dark Fantasies one of the more mean-spirited softcore flicks. It also opens things up to many deep questions. In Dark Fantasies, characters enter shared dreams and have sex with each other, which is at first described as “guilt-free!” But a character hides his involvement in the experiment because he knows it will upset his partner, and it does, leading to more consequences. Beyond that, things get creepy as the Professor begins intruding in the fantasies and having sex with the girls, which begs the question of just how consensual those sessions were. Dark Fantasies seems to draw conclusions as to what the boundaries are, but a tale that opens such questions deserves a closer look. Also there is lots of softcore sex for those of you into that sort of thing…

Because of the darker tone, Dark Fantasies has a more limited target audience. That’s always a price to be paid with these softcore films, some people are couples who like light-hearted stories to get in the mood, while others watching are an audience eagerly awaiting the nude scenes and eager to skip all the boring talking parts. In addition, the group of people who wish to discuss the themes of Dark Fantasies will be even smaller. But for that one guy, here’s hoping this lives up to your expectations!

The dreams are a bit stylized, mostly appearing in similar-looking rooms that are part of whatever house the director rented that week. The ending of each features thunder cracking and a weird phasing effect. At no time do people fly or turn into giant crabs or suddenly are skiing down yogurt sculptures of Joan Rivers like in my dreams, but maybe the sequel will secure $30 million for dream CGI effects.

Dark Fantasies

I’ll continue this interview once I’m done watching the game on the tiniest tv ever!


Mainline Releasing Group/MRE is given props for exploring storylines that do more than just move from sex scene A to sex scene B, but can stop and make you think a bit. Each one is like a small drama story that’s then frontloaded with naked people rubbing and grunting on each other. While not everything is a hit, and even some of them are good only for their concepts than their actual stories, the creativity being shown is a winning effort that deserves praise.

Despite the fancy scifi Inception reality of shared dream sexing, Dark Fantasies gives us some respect by not inventing some sort of dream cam that people watch. Instead the nefarious Professor Carlton just has to stare blankly at an EKG monitor. Is it any wonder he went insane with power and decided to try the dream sexing himself? Of course, he chooses women who aren’t 100% willing until he dream cons them, and that’s ignoring his study isn’t quite in line with the American Psychological Association’s Ethics Code, which probably means big fines and academic suspension. If he wasn’t arrested. Spoilers.

Megan (Reena Sky) – A college student dating Kyle and living the good life of a house too expensive to afford and apparently not even going to school or work. But storm clouds are on the horizon that threaten her relationship with Kyle. Clouds called psychology! Reena Sky is also in Pleasure Spa, and also something called Munch Box. I am sure that is about the Texas Instruments TI-99/4A home computer game Munch Man.
Kyle (Rocco Reed) – College student who is dating Megan and driving Carrie wild because she can’t have him. But he’s prone to doing dumb stuff, like getting involved in experiments where he can have sex with chicks in his sleep, without thinking that maybe he shouldn’t be doing things like that without telling Megan. Rocco Reed was Commander William Riker in Star Trek: The Next Generation – A XXX Parody.
Carrie Branson (Isabella Sky) – College student who likes her psychology professor, Dr. Carlton. She’s also very jealous of Megan and Kyle’s relationship and attempts to sabotage it by getting Kyle involved in the dream sexperiment. Isabella Sky was in something called Pimp My Ride and Nail Me Inside.
Professor Maxwell Carlton (Steve Crest as Jack Lawrence) – Arrogant psychology professor who runs a dream experiment where people travel into each other’s dreams and have sex with them. Takes over and just has sex with every girl experimentee he can. Steve Crest is a former professional cyclist turned actor and porn star, you will be able to see in him Cool Cat Saves the Kids.
Amber (Melessia Hayden as Melissa Jacobs) – Another member of the sexperiment squad, she’s used as a pawn by Carrie to recruit Kyle as part of Carries master plan to break people up. Melessia Hayden is also in Pleasure Spa and Naughty Reunion.
Dark Fantasies

That “Dream Big” sign in the backgroud….foreshadowing or just lucky set decoration?

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sexy Assassins

May 13, 2013By

Sexy Assassins


2012
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Nichols

Sexy Assassins
The best art protection in town!

Mainline Releasing throws down with another softcore crime film, this time taking place in the world of assassins. It’s hard to be an assassin for hire, what with the murdering of people and the fact you have constant, constant sex (which one would think would get in the way of the murdering, but don’t worry, Sexy Assassins figured an out!) But it is nigh time that these valiant sexy assassins got their due in movie form.

If Sexy Assassins is anything, it’s a low-budget film that looks a lot less low-budget than you would think. MRG does not skimp on the cinematography, and while I wouldn’t call things overly creative, it is professionally shot and lit, looking theater-quality good. The lower budget shines through with the lack of characters and the fact no one seems to go out in public. Every room is obviously a room in someone’s house, be it the office of a hotel. In fact, some parts of this house I recall from other films where people are bumping uglies. Either that, or I’m starting to merge all these giant Hollywood mansions that get rented out into one super mansion. Which could also be the case.

Sexy Assassins is just a straightforward assassins trying to figure out who the traitor is plot, and as there are only so many characters, only so many can be guilty. Besides that, it’s most notable feature is the mirroring of the beginning and ending sex scene and its violent conclusion. While Justine Joli is smothering her target during the throws of passion, she comes off as powerful and in control, taking down a man who probably deserved it. When Jason Sarcinelli does the same to Michelle Maylene in the end, it comes out more disturbing, with shades of domestic violence. Even though we know that her character Serena tried to kill both Sarcinelli and Joli’s characters. She’s guilty and has been seen doing so in the film, and possibly will be killing Sarcinelli seconds later. Yet it just feels weird, because he’s obviously so much more powerful than her. Also SPOILERS!

Sexy Assassins
Please don’t read this screencap, it is classified. Thank you.

Justine Joli’s sex is very into it as opposed to Michelle Maylene’s more laid back and talking sex enjoyment. Both of the actresses are primed to be more vocal and pornographic in their performances, which give more enthusiastic life the proceedings as things become raw passion. Sex seems a matter of life and death in importance, and it literally is!

While Sexy Assassins looks cool, the disturbing end just throws a big damper on the whole thing. It becomes more of a snuff film, or those old roughies where the sexy was usually ended with heinous violence as a substitution for sexual release. Your enjoyment depends on just how you respond to such things. Despite that, I like the Tina Hawthorne/David Nichols team (assuming those aren’t just pseudonyms for the same person!), they brought us Naughty Reunion and their films go over a bit of emotional things that other softcores don’t bother with.

Layla Clapton (Justine Joli) – A sexy assassin that is one of the few people who can wear an “Everything I kill I fuck” shirt non-ironically. Soon finds out the sexy assassin business might be a bit more treacherous than it seems. Layla Clapton, eh? Where is her sister, Tears In Heaven Domino?
Serena (Michelle Maylene) – Layla’s secretary, who claims to believe Layla’s cover story as a security consultant, but secretly knows the score, and is looking for a score of her own! Michelle Maylene can also be seen in Cougar School, The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, and Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite
Max Houser (Jason Sarcinelli) – A simple messenger, or a master sexy assassin? Well, this isn’t called Sexy Messengers! Hired to kill Layla, but knows bigger things will happen if things change.
Damon (Michael O’Sullivan) – Layla’s manager who gives her new assignments and handles the business side of things. But he’s a businessman first and a loyal businessman second.
Mason (Spencer Houston Hill) – Layla’s tech guy who takes care of the computer things, does hacking,, fingerprint ID, all that fun stuff. In exchange, he does fun stuff with Layla.
Sexy Assassins
She handcuffed me and then stole the frame from the painting!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Naked Lust

May 5, 2013By

Naked Lust


2009
Written by Abe Froman
Directed by Demitri Nessun

Naked Lust
This is how 50 Shades of Grey begins!

Naked Lust is hardly the sex-o-maniac nypho party the title implies, but is in fact a more sweet story of a woman attempting to reconnect with her first school crush that she was unable to go to the dance with due to life. It’s also a story about a pop princess looking to be inspired so she can write some hit songs, and her lovable goofball manager who would do anything for her. And probably some junk about the media, though most of that hits the back burner. In any even, it’s actually pretty entertaining. And it should be, since Naked Lust was written by Abe Froman. The sausage king of Chicago. This may be a pseudonym… Director Demitri Nessun also helmed Cougar School.

Naked Lust
This is what to do when the Naked Lust comes for you!

Naked Lust has a good balance of a story that is interesting (if extended), likable actors, and plenty of scenes that are the reason this plays at late night on Cinemax and not on Lifetime. While relying on a nostalgia-fueled fantasy for a plot point, the film and the main character comes to the realization that the fantasy is just a fantasy, and people move on and evolve. Therefore she embraces her reality and everyone gets a happy ending.

Naked Lust
He’s turning into that scene from Innerspace! Also why am I referencing Innerspace?

Cherry Pop (Kaylani Lei) – Cherry Pop is the current most famous pop star ever, but she needs to come out with another song before she’s replaced by the next young thing to come along. She was originally named Carla. Kaylani plays Cherry Pop like a slightly burnt out but still light-hearted Miley Cyrus/Taylor Swift, which fits how she’s written.
Ape (Joe Souza as Matt Dalpiaz) – Cherry Pop’s manager and wannabe lover. Despite having feelings for her, she still needs to sort things out, so he has to support her. He comes off a lot like Steve from Married with Children, which just adds to the sitcom vibe.
Rachel (Leigh Livingston) – Rachel is a local reporter who gets the station in hot water when she broadcasts some live sexing between Cherry Pop and Ape. So she sticks around to document the creation of Cherry Pop’s new album, and ends up getting hired back by her station.
Chad Laroy (Mike Nike) – The record guy who hates all of Cherry Pop’s new songs and threatens to replace her, up to the point of actually replacing her. I guess having hit records isn’t really all that big of a deal any more…
Kitty Kat (Brynn Tyler) – A potential replacement for Cherry Pop being auditioned by Chad. Has zero brains and even less talent. She’s more like Kitty Litter.
The Cowboy (Alan Stafford) – The Cowboy is a famous tv commercial cowboy, but his real name is Ian and he lives with his mom. Is still somehow a big catch, because he’s a cowboy, don’t you know?
Jonah (Steve Crest as Jack Lawrence) – Cherry’s old ex-boyfriend who wanted to be a NASCAR racer. Was to be her prom date but stood her up.
Naked Lust
She’s naked and has lust, I dunno!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Lust Sessions

March 6, 2013By

Lust Sessions


2008
Written by April White and Edward Gorsuch
Directed by Dante Giove

Lust Sessions
The name’s Sessions. Lust Sessions.

You ever have one of those friends who always has relationship advice, but couldn’t hold a partner for more than a few weeks? Well, what if that friend was also a sex therapist? That’s the premise of Lust Sessions, where your lustiest desires don’t really fit into the rather straightforward plot. Unless your desires have to due with therapy sessions, hence the title.

What does happen is therapist Kate Williams has problems of her own. She even knows she has problems, even though she doesn’t really do anything about them except run away. But Kate is about to make a huge mistake, which could cost her everything – her relationship, her career, her sweet parking spot – and she must face her problems. And it doesn’t hurt to have people who are about you who are willing to seek out their own revenge!

Lust Sessions
People Watching Big Bang Theory: The Movie

Lust Sessions gets some props for having a female lead with problems, but also for dealing with some of the fallout that would happen in many of these softcore films where fidelity is a naughty word and boning happens at the drop of a hat. There is actual character development here! The major drawback is the whole concept does seem like a film that would be on Lifetime Channel. That’s the complete opposite target audience, but it also recognizes the reality that an increasing number of women watch these films, and many couples watch them together. While that is not a majority of the viewers, it is no longer a rare unicorn.

Kate Williams (Amy Lindsay as Leah Riley) – A Love Coach who helps couples find what they are missing. Which is usually just something simple…or so it seems! But just like them, Kate has her own problems that seem simple to solve, but are anything but. And they lead to the big problems that are at the root of the plot. Amy Lindsay is also in Insatiable Obsession
Ann (Cassie Young) – A lady who has problems being assertive. She was dating Drake despite him being married, but breaks up with him early in the film as she’s practicing standing up for herself. When Drake causes problems for Kate, Ann stands up even more. Cassie Young is also in Bikini Pirates.
Brian (Justin Magnum) – Kate’s boyfriend, who she has problems committing to due to her own issues. Brian is just a cool guy with an accent.
Drake (Danny Pape as Danny Dagger) – Married, but seeing Ann. A compelte arrogant jerk. Danny Pape was channeling Tom Cruise in his performance, which made things seem cooler.
Carrie (Jezebelle Bond) – Kate’s client who likes to be in control of relationships. Helps Kate when she has problems.
Jenna (Katrina Isis) – Kate’s friend who helps her deal with her problems in a sort of problem trade. She’s dating a guy named Nick (Roger Stanford) who commits the crime of liking her, and enjoying sex with her more than jogging. The freak!
Lust Sessions
Oh boy, here we go!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Naughty Reunion

January 28, 2013By

Naughty Reunion


2011
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Nichols

Naughty Reunion
I’m too cool for school, and too cool for school reunions!

It’s high school reunion time! Remember your high school reunion, when it was basically a big orgy… Oh, wait, no high school reunion is like that. Except the one in Naughty Reunion! If you’re like me, then you already keep in contact with people you liked from high school thanks to the magic of Facebook and email, thus making high school reunions something to not even bother caring about. I don’t really care how bald and fat everyone I didn’t like got, because high school is high school and I’m an adult.

There is a recurring fantasy of people returning to high school reunions as successful and finally getting that hot girl who is somehow still hot and yet strangely single years later. Naughty Reunion brings that up to 11, as everyone is back to get with someone from high school, even if they don’t outright say they are (and the majority of the characters just say it out loud and proud!) Naughty Reunion does try to say a few things about how people are more than the stereotypes they were in high school. Jax is a bad boy, but also a master mechanic and autocad specialist. Dale is the popular jock with massive insecurities about not accomplishing anything on his own. Kelly is the popular girl who just wants to be popular….okay, maybe everyone doesn’t escape their assigned role. In fact, the general roles helps because everyone will begin to associate themselves with some of the characters or see their friends reflected in them. That’s one of the reasons stories have such diverse friends who wouldn’t associate in real life.

Naughty Reunion
Slightly Bad Knievel!

Jax plays the part of an amoral narrator in addition to his sleazy bad boy act. This allows him to both riff on the various other characters while still being charming enough to be a believable personality. It has the added effect of making a tough personality like his more likable as we spend more time with him. Jax’s boning of so many women also gives him a big brother advice role for the other two guys who each have a particular woman in mind. Much of the dialogue in Naughty Reunion feels like a play. Characters get all expositional at times, almost figuring out their life as we do. And there are random saxophone blasts to punctuate certain emotions, sort of like a gut laugh track. While Naughty Reunion will never be on anyone’s favorite list, it does have enough “will they or won’t they?” that we can’t be quite sure who will end up with who.

Naughty Reunion
There was trouble when Dale insulted the circle cushion couch!

Jax Whitley (Dale DaBone) – Bad boy gone bad who also designs high end street bikes. Is bad, and just wants to go to the reunion to pump and dump Marley Clark as revenge. Acts as our unofficial narrator. Is bad. Dale DaBone was Alex Trebeck in This Ain’t Jeopardy! XXX
Marley Clark (Jayden Cole) – Smart girl who didn’t socialize much with anyone in high school. Reacts to being called frigid by being the total opposite of frigid. Is seemingly the only person who came to the reunion without the intention to have sex with someone. Jayden Cole is also in Bikini Frankenstein and Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros.
Kelly Ellis (Melessia Hayden as Melissa Jacobs) – Former cheerleader and popularity queen. Keeps up the popularity by getting it on with everyone she can. She must be popular, and declares as much. Melessia Hayden is also in Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders and the classic film Execs Snared in Rope and Silenced with Tape.
Dale Camden (Gino Santos) – Football jock and popular student, who has since moved on to owning his own tile store that is basically run by his dad while he does nothing. Is frustrated about all that, but doesn’t bother to do anything about it until he monologues at the reunion.
Taylor Cassidy (Erika Jordan) – The quiet girl who comes out of her shadow to go after he old crush Dale. She’s also conspiring with Chester to try to turn him into Kelly dating material. Erika Jordan is also in Baby Dolls Behind Bars and Dirty Blondes from Beyond.
Chester Ford (Ryan McLane) – Ryan Styles?? No, wait, this is Ryan McLane. A geeky kid from woodshop who spent the past decade turning into a normal person so he can snag Kelly as a girlfriend, thanks to tips from Taylor. As required by law, his nickname is “the Molester.”
Sonia (Daisy Marie) – Her boyfriend Mike is taking her to Hawaii, so she misses the reunion. But she does manage to give Jax a goodbye session for old times sake.
Naughty Reunion
So I was like, that back seat was stained when I rented the car, buddy!
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