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Mohawk Saber-toothed Tiger is the real star of After Earth


After Earth‘s first trailer makes it look somewhat interesting, which is surprising all the people who think M. Night always equals terrible. M. Night only equals terrible most of the time. Get it right, people! Anyway, the Smiths crash, and Jaden has to find help for his injured dad (Legendary General Cypher Raige!) on Earth, which is now overrunned with apes with tails and saber-toothed tigers that want to eat man meat. It looks like dad is passing on the being a movie star torch to his son or something, though Jaden is still pretty young atm. At least they are doing things as a family, even if it is nepotism.

But enough of that, just remember that the saber-toothed tiger has a mohawk! That’s all I care about, this cool cat. He is the punkest cat ever! Suck on lasagna, Garfield!

After Earth Mohawk Cat

Legendary General Cypher Raige (played by Will Smith)…

Yes, it’s an After Earth post! M. Night Shyamalan is directing this post-apocalyptic science fiction adventure starring Will Smith and Jaden Smith. Earth is in trouble, because global warming altered the core of the Earth, which altered Earth’s magnetic fields and now Earth has no protection from solar radiation. 1000 years in the future, Earth is abandoned and mankind lives on Nova Prime, because people in the future love dumb names. Speaking of dumb names, Will Smith is legendary General Cypher Raige, who is finally returning home to his family that he was too busy being a famous general to pay attention to. Jaden Smith is Kitai Raige, his 13-year-old estranged son. But an asteroid causes their ship to crash on the now abandoned Earth, Cypher is injured and Kitai must get their rescue beacon, proving he is part of the heroic family legacy.

I don’t know what he’ll find on the abandoned Earth, probably some mutant dudes and then a bunch of animal life monsters that will be impossible and just make me angry. Judging from the reasoning behind why Earth was abandoned, I’m not holding out hope for things to make a lot of sense. But I hope you like the AfterEarthSmithverse, because the studio is banking on you wanting to buy comic books, video games, and all sorts of other random crap!

A comic series called After Earth: Innocence will have some of the back story starting when Nova Prime was colonized, but even then there is backstory history all the way to 1908 and the Tunguska event. Later, the Raige family invents some stuff and becomes prominent, and then because someone writing this has a divine rights of kings fetish, thus the modern day (future) Raiges who are super generals.

Better After Earth than After Birth, I guess…

Post After Earth (after After Earth?), Will Smith is rumored to be developing a film around Cain and Abel, the biblical bros that ends in murder. Maybe this’ll answer the long-asked question as to where their wives came from! This will be Smith’s directorial debut if it goes forward.

After Earth news via Deadline and io9

After Earth jaden Smith

Sure are a lot of trees for a lifeless irradiated planet...

This looks awesome…

Will Smith teaming up with M. Night Shyamalan? Count me in! In a line for a different movie!

Jaden Smith is set to star opposite his father, Will Smith, for director M. Night Shyamalan in an untitled sci-fi adventure, it was announced today by Doug Belgrad, president of Columbia Pictures. Shyamalan and Will Smith will produce with James Lassiter, Jada Pinkett Smith and Ken Stovitz, Smith’s partners at Overbrook Entertainment. The screenplay is by M. Night Shyamalan and Gary Whitta.

Written by Shyamalan AND Gary Whitta? The PC Gamer guy who wrote Book of Eli? This just keeps getting better and better!

Set 1,000 years into the future, a young boy navigates an abandoned and sometimes scary Earth to save himself and his estranged father after their ship crashes.

So it’s like A Kid in Battlefield Earth?

Shyamalan added, “The chance to make a scary, science-fiction film starring Jaden and Will is my dream project.”

I have a dream, Shyamalan. You give up movie making and become a nun.

RiffTrax Trip Report – The Happening

So the RiffTrax for The Happening is out, and thus gave me a reason to finally see the M. Night Shyamalan movie about killer plants and Mark Wahlberg.

The Happening has the distinction of being a movie about plants who leak an airborne toxin to kill people, because people are a bunch of douchebags who pollute the planet, kill bees, and spend lots of the film staring vacantly into space. This film is unbelievably bad, and the longer it goes, the worse the movie gets. The only likeable characters all die, and instead we have to follow the complete bore Mark Wahlberg is playing as he wusses his way around the East Coast. Mark is joined by Zooey Deschanel, who cannot act at all and spends most of the film staring with wide eyes. Rather disturbing. The third person in the main group is the daughter of John Leguizamo’s character, played by Ashlyn Sanchez, who is a small girl and thus Shyamalan gives her odd camera angles to emphasize how this is extra traumatic to her, even though the movie is boring. The likable characters such as John Leguizamo, the Hot Dog guy, the Army guy, and the two kids who get shotgunned all manage to die quickly. Everyone who lives does the dumbest things over and over again, to the point where you want them to die, but the movie hates you and keeps them alive. Up yours, The Happening. The film is filled with incorrect science on evolution and plant communication, plus just says “we’ll never know because it was nature” as an answer to almost everything. Even though the film already answered the question like twenty times in the film. Look for Dante from Clerks showing up as a jeep driver who has a need for speed and not wearing seatbelts.

A film like that would be quite painful by itself, but luckily we have Mike, Kevin, and Bill to keep us company. Thank goodness for that! From opening references about What’s Happening and stretching Deschanel, to constant breaking into songs and riffing on the terrible camera angles, fun times for all. Go to hell, plants!

Remember to run from the wind, because the wind is evil. And plants are evil, but it is the wind you run from. The movie tries to have jumpscares with wind! This movie is terrible. But the RiffTrax is golden. Stop by RiffTrax.com and pick it up, you’ll be glad you did, once you get over the fact you have to watch The Happening.

The Happening
Happening
Happening wind

Seriously, this movie is TERRIBLE!