Lady Chatterley’s Daughter

March 5, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Lady Chatterley’s Daughter

aka Lady Chatterley’s Ghost

2011
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Juan Medina)

Look, it’s a magical butterfly! Flap flap flap!

Despite a few interesting touches, Lady Chatterley’s Daughter is slow going and takes too long to get to the plot, what little plot their is. It’s not absolutely terrible, but it’s part of a pedigree of of Bikini films that everyone admires, so higher standards must be held. In that end, Lady Chatterley’s Daughter fails to deliver an interesting story, and will more likely end up with late night Cinemax watchers asleep on the couch.

This ain’t how you bust ghosts!

As the well-worn tome shown during the opening credits attests, D.H. Lawrence’s 1928 book Lady Chatterley’s Lover has had quite an influence on erotic literature (and other erotica!) And now it will vaguely influence this film! Senator Reed Smoot said of the original work: “I’ve not taken ten minutes on Lady Chatterley’s Lover, outside of looking at its opening pages. It is most damnable! It is written by a man with a diseased mind and a soul so black that he would obscure even the darkness of hell!” Needless to say, it’s import was banned before being fought over in the courts (where the book and others like it prevailed in 1959 and was allowed to both be imported without censor and published in the US.)

Lady Chatterley’s Daughter marks some of the transition between Retromedia and Synthetic Filmwerx, as Retromedia still has the opening production company clip, but Synthetic Filmwerx’s name appears as well in the title credits.

Talk to the hand, because the face is busy boning a ghost actress who haunts a book to save my marriage!

	Sandra (Holly Sampson) – Lonely housewife married to Charles. Spends her days reading Lady Chatterley’s Lover over and over again. Holly Sampson is also in the Emmanuelle 2000 series, including Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise, as well as the whole Tiger Woods scandal thing.
	Charles Maitlin (Randy Spears) – Successful estate lawyer married to Sandra, but also getting some side action with Connie. Which he doesn’t know is part of a larger plan. Randy Spears is a Bikini movie regular in addition to his other softcore and hardcore work.
	Connie (Jessie Lunderby) – Constance goes by Connie, and shows up as a live-in maid, but is also Charles’ mistress. And she’s a ghost! Spoilers. Jessie Lunderby reads all her lines like they’re a run-on sentence. Which sort of works in giving her an other-worldly feel. Constance is also Lady Chatterley’s first name in the novel.
	Sophia (Cassandra Cruz as Vanessa Brink) – Sandra’s friend who both does not believe in tarot cards but also constantly does tarot card readings. It is a mystery! Cassandra Cruz is the star of Bigger the Pole, the Tighter the Hole; Gov Love: The Eliot Splitz-her Story; and Club Satan: The Witches Sabbath.
	Keith (Nick Manning) – The handyman/gardener for the Maitlin household, and Sandra’s fantasy lover probably because he’s the only other male around. In real life they are good friends, but not good enough for Keith to warn Sandra fishy things are happening after having sex with Connie. Nick Manning is also in The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad

Windows 8 requires a constant wifi connection to your post-it notes!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Pleasure Spa

February 24, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Pleasure Spa

2013
Written by Tim Sabo
Directed by Jim Wynorski (as Sam Pepperman)

This ain’t how you meditate!

Jim Wynorski gives us another Cinemax softcore role in the hay with Pleasure Spa! While sometimes Wynorski’s softcore films are creative (Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders), other times we get what looks to be a film scrambled together with funds leftover from other films (also known as this film!) For Pleasure Spa, the usual small budget is even tinier, and every location is at the same house, though there is the occasional effort made to try to make us think we’re somewhere else. Let’s just ignore that the front desk scenes are obviously shot in the kitchen. And police captains have offices that resemble a home office in a spare bedroom. Luckily it’s a pretty nice house, allowing for a lot of room variety, and has a pool, a waterfall feature, and a tennis court! I wonder if this was rented from the owner, or if it is a place you can pick up relatively cheap in the aftermath of the housing crash. Heck, maybe it’s Jim’s house!

As an odd feature, there is a random scene in Pleasure Spa that cranks up the creativity and hints more could be going on. But it’s not dwelt on at all, so in the end it just becomes a random aside that makes the rest of the film look even poorer. There are the classic Jim Wynorski camera angles that emphasize certain characters’ ample…gifts. We do have the familiar Wynorski music by Roobie Breastnut, including fan favorite PuSSy PuSSy BaNG BaNG (capitalization according to YouTube standards.)

And suddenly everyone watching at home forgives the lack of budget…

But, you say, who watches these films for the plots? It’s all about the skin game. While I agree that is the case for 99% of the audience, sometimes I want a little meat with my potatoes. And though some of these softcore films have a surprising amount to say, Pleasure Spa doesn’t expand from its small boundaries. What little it does say has been said many times before by better speakers. It also keeps me from typing up eight paragraphs about how this is an allegory about the Spanish Civil War. It turns out the only advantage is the skin game. Speaking of which, let’s go to the Roll Call:

	Dusty (Cynthia Lucas) – The boss of the Happy Endings spa, which is not only a massage parlor, but a massage parlor where everyone gets a happy ending. It’s called truth in advertising, people!
	Shelly (Brandin Rackley) – One of the trained massage therapists at Happy Endings. A sadist at heart. Not too fond of doing desk duty.
	Lucky (Melessia Hayden as Melissa Jacobs) – One of the trained massage therapists at Happy Endings.
	Cammi (Raven Alexis) – The receptionist at Happy Endings, but not adverse to putting on her work uniform and massaging clients herself. Her work uniform being no clothes.
	Anita (Reena Sky) – One of the trained massage therapists at Happy Endings.
	Candy Conners (Heather Vandeven) – The new girl who is hired during the course of the film. Her uncle is Mayor Carl Sloane.
	Mike Mathis (Frankie Cullen) – Cop who frequents Happy Endings, and gets his partner Tommy Hall hooked on the parlor as well. This is bad, as it’s their job to bust the place! Frankie Cullen appears in this “new” film because it was filmed before he retired from these films in 2011.
	Tommy Hall (Tony Marino) – Oh. That guy.
	Client Number 1 (T.J. Cummings) – Client of Happy Endings who comes pretty regularly, and doesn’t seem to understand police tape. Has no real name so I just made one up.
	Captain Crane (Michael Swan) – Police captain who just wants to bust that darn Happy Endings because he hates them. Hates hates hates hates hates them!
	Mayor Carl Sloane (???) – Mayor Sloane has an unusually close relationship with his niece, which seems to result from his rather liberal views on sexuality.

It’s true, island biogeography can be applied to mountain tops, isolated valleys, even fenced off yards!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Invasion of the Pod People

January 29, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Invasion of the Pod People

2007
Story by Ron Magid and Jay Marks
Written by Leigh Scott
Directed by Justin Jones

I seriously have to be scared of this root?

Invasion of the Pod People asks the question: “What if the Bodysnatcher movies made everyone lesbians?” Well, buckle up, because we got lesbians and plant duplicates out the yin-yang! Another mockbuster from The Asylum, and one of the last efforts by Leigh Scott as writer before he cut and run. Leigh Scott’s Asylum films Dragon and Transmorphers have been reviewed before, and feature a bunch of the cast also in Invasion of the Pod People. Director Justin Jones has done a lot of assistant director work (and possibly was basically the real director on a few of those flicks!)

All the asteroids from all those movies have teamed up to destroy Earth once and for all!

Invasion of the Pod People was to be a mockbuster for The Invasion, a film so bad it got delayed for months, forcing Pod People to go it alone on the video store shelves. Some would say that was a blessing in disguise for Invasion of the Pod People…

The guy the pod people never bothered to replace!

	Melissa (Erica Roby) – Our heroine, an up and coming talent agent who will spend part of the film depressed or uninterested in anything, and the other half freaking out because space plant people!
	Samantha (Jessica Bork) – Boss of Melissa and Billie, under Vickland, who becomes a lot more close to her coworkers after getting podded. Jessica Bork was also in Dragon and Transmorphers, because she’s awesome like that.
	Taylor Michaels (Shaley Scott) – Bitchy almost client model for Blackthorne who suddenly becomes a super nice lesbian after being podded.
	Billie (Danae Nason) – Coworker of Melissa who manages to not get podded long enough to become a main character. I’m sure you will shocked to know she was in Transmorphers!
	Detective Pete Alexander (Marat Glazer) – Detective who is one of the few people who figures out something creepy is going on. Marat Glazer played Veers in Transmorphers.
	David Vickland (Michael Tower) – The head of Blackthorne Agency and a very intense dude. Michael Tower was in Transmorphers.
	Space Ginger Root (Itself) – The alien invading plant is ginger root in a pot. Seriously. That’s the threat to America. Ginger root. I had some of this last night! I guess I’m doomed to become a lesbian pod person. Oh, well…

I’m in an Asylum film!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders

December 22, 2012ByTars Tarkas

Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders

2011
Written by Steve Goldenberg
Directed by Jim Wynorski (as Sam Pepperman)

With a Double-D for an extra dose of killing you Deadd!

The tagline for Aliens vs. Predators was “Whoever wins, we lose!” One could argue that the tagline for Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders could be “Whoever wins, we win!” Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders is another of the late night Cinemax classics that gave the network the nickname Skinimax. It’s also another feature from fab B-movie director Jim Wynorski (here directed as Sam Pepperman!) Wynorski never shines so bright as when he’s directing smut, and Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders is filled with camera tricks and creative narrative editing that you rarely see in cheaply made farce. It also makes a lot of his SyFy fare look bland by comparison.

Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders is a fun tale that’s about as realistic as those before-mentioned SyFy flicks. The Scholastic Hottie of the Year Contest is set up as some sort of reality show-styled event – but without cameras capturing all the action. Don’t worry, the film makes up for it with Angie’s narration, explaining everything as we go and even commenting upon action happening onscreen. The light-hearted tone help make BCxLC merry entertainment. I admit I don’t watch as much of Wynorski’s flicks as others, but his softcore films are often lively and witty. And believe me, we’ve seen some boring stinkers!

Check out my levitation powers!

From the B-movie Vs. title, we know that things will be treated with a sense of humor. BCxLC lampoons the cutthroat world of reality tv shows and pageant contests by displaying all the bribing, back stabbing, and general bitterness that goes on. But because we know it’s all a fantasy, it’s okay to end things on a high note. While being a mirror, it isn’t a broken mirror, and luckily BCxLC keeps itself separated from heading into dark territory.

Visual candy includes character pages, biographies, repeated breaking of the fourth wall, picture within picture for commentary, a laugh track, flashbacks and flashsideways, and answers to what happens to our heroes after the big event. The underwater camera usage is rare itself for these low budget flicks (though I think a few older, higher budgeted productions have used it before), and it increases the quality tenfold. While many of these films can begin to blur together (both due to repeated use of actresses, sets, and even tone), anything that helps distinguish is good. If BCxLC shows up on your late night cable TV schedule and you aren’t completely tired yet, it’s worth checking out.

Directly ripped off from Aliens vs. Predators…

	Angie (Angie Savage) – Our narrator and hostess for our journey into the battle between Busty Coeds and Lusty Cheerleaders. A battle that is often fought with lashed tongues, torn clothing, and panting bodies. Angie weaves a tale of deception and lies as the contestants battle it out to reign supreme…and also to get it on many many many times!
	Marla Mounds (Jamie Michelle Hunter as Jaime Hunter) – Angie’s biggest competition, though she often just plays the sweet innocent girl who doesn’t seem like she’d backstab anyone…and doesn’t, unless it’s playing backstab defense against more notorious backstabbing!
	Tiffany Nightsprings (Kylee Nash) – Tiffany’s dad is super rich and bribed everyone to get her where she is, but bribes only go so far…or do they???
	Candice Connors (Charlie Laine) – Not the brightest of bulbs, but has a good heart. Like Marla, she often fades to the background, though her character doesn’t hang out with Angie as much as Marla does.
	Miss Abby Meyers (Melessia Hayden) – Miss Meyes runs the competition and makes sure everything is above board. Which means daily bust measurements and pole dancing competitions. Like all scholastic competitions, especially the ACT!
	Chet (Frankie Cullen) – One of handymen Miss Meyes hired to help out around the camp, because the gigantic camp with hardly any people in it would really have so many problems that it requires two full-time handymen… Is a killer piano player.
	Bull (T.J. Cummings) – The other handyman hired. He likes Candice, at least he tells her as much.
	Janet (Heather Vandeven) – Girl hired by Angie to get dirt to blackmail Dean Martin. Does an excellent job.
	Tiffany’s Dad (G. Gordon Baer) – Rich father who attempts to bribe an manipulate the contest more towards his daughter’s favor.
	Dean Martin (“Billy Chappell”) – Oh…that guy.
	Girl in car (Glori-Anne Gilbert) – One of the two replacement judges sent by Tiffany’s father. Is amused at life, getting lost, the forest, and the very young stud she’s driving around with. Good attitude!
	Guy in car (???) – This guy looks straight out of high school, but he’s a replacement judge and just ends up getting it one with Glori-Ann Gilbert in the forest instead. I have no clue who played him.

SHHH! Don’t tell anyone the shocking ending of Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

My Horny Girlfriend

December 6, 2012ByTars Tarkas

My Horny Girlfriend

aka Big波誘惑 aka Big bo yau waak

2002
Written by Lee Hai
Directed by Patrick Leung Saan-Bok

None of these other women made their bathing suit out of old jeans…

What do you do when you get a Category III film that tries to become a serious drama about malaise of modern life, finding yourself, depression, romance, swimming, and being contrarian just to show up cute guys on vacation? Not wonder why it is a mess, but wonder if the mess is worth checking out. The answer to that is more of if you are used to or willing to deal with Hong Kong Category III drama nonsense. It’s the kind of film that you can find acted and written a dozen times better all over the vcd shelves, but those films will also follow a predictable pattern. My Horny Girlfriend takes more risks by taking less risks. That’s a true statement, because there is a story buried beneath a bunch of junk, but also a lot of fan service that probably came from a clipboard list of what to do.

Grace Lam spends most of the film in a pouty mood, never happy. Not fun to be around at all. So that makes her the perfect leading lady! Her character is clearly suffering from some sort of depression, and she’s not the only one in the film. But she is the character with depression who still goes out and does stuff. And while some of her motives are unethical at best, the interaction, going outside, and just being around other people who aren’t just using her for sex helps Grace grow into a better, fuller person.

Hello? Nothing, what are you doing?

In fact, almost every female character in My Horny Girlfriend has some sort of mental issues making them depressed. The only character who isn’t is Pamila, and her personality is extreme in the opposite end where she’s always perky and down for anything. But she also uses sex as a weapon to teach “lessons” to women she doesn’t like. Pamila is the most manipulative character, and her humongous labido drives the plot as much as Grace’s fumbling attempts to continue to get her way in an environment that doesn’t hold her hand. Pamila is a big fish version of what personality Grace is, and her more bubbly personality opens doors and gives her powers that Grace’s sour tone can’t match.

Besides the nudity, the film also features lots of girls in bikinis. Almost every character is in a bikini or less for 90% of their screen time, even the men are often in swimming suits. The director and writer are probably pseudonyms, while producer Cary Grant obviously is. Grant’s other three films are Emmanuelle in Hong Kong, Forbidden Wet Tales, and Tortured Sex Goddess of Ming Dynasty. After that, he either switched fake names again or left the movie business with empty pocketbooks. Who knows? Only “Cary Grant” and possibly the ghost of Cary Grant, who was haunting “Grant” as revenge.

Not now, my ninja headband slipped down!

	Grace (Grace Lam Nga-Si) – A modern working girl, who is porking her disgusting boss for promotions in a decidedly unmodern fashion. After he sends her on vacation as a reward, she spends the entire time pouting, angrily wanting a man she can’t have, and angry at a stupid lesbian who she ends up having sex with several times regardless. Her anger and her libido combine to form a double-team of sexploitation stereotypes.
	Gordon (Oscar Lam Wai-Kin) – Lifeguard Gordon just saves women from drowning all day, many of which then become lifeguards in his training school. Gordon is weird. Cult leader weird. If you ever hear about dozens of lifeguards committing suicide, you know who to blame!
	Pamila (Yumi Ohsako) – Hello, there! Have you seen my breasts? They are huge. Gigantic. Massive melons! I have no character development, but I do manage to get these breasts popped out all throughout the film. Breasts. Big ones. On me! I’m dubbed because they outsourced the big breasts to Japan. I’m also a lesbian, with huge bazoongas! Did I mention that? The film will…
	Eddie (Eddie Lam Kim-Fung) – Swimming fan with an old leg wound, which makes him have bad swimming form. He’s an old friend of Gordon, as they were on the swim team together as kids. Gordon dumps him with Grace to get rid of her.
	Dawn (Bessie Chan Ming-Kwan) – Dawn runs the bar at the beach where the cast hangs out between sex scenes. She carries a fish around in a beer mug all the time. Is depressed and being stuck in a film called My Horny Girlfriend doesn’t help her depression one bit!

I had a nightmare I was in a movie called “My Horny Girlfriend”!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad

November 22, 2012ByTars Tarkas

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad

2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Did I leave the Bikini Frankenstein machine on?

Whenever there is trouble, and it is double (double-Ds, that is!), the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad will be there! Three girls solve cases and bust bad guys while wearing outfits that will make you blush…if they bother to wear outfits, that is! Charlie may have his angels, but those films were terrible and let’s not even talk about the reboot series. The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad does more than just be a Charlie’s Angels knockoff with a title borrowed from a hit novelty song, it’s also a commentary on the decline of the Playboy enterprise.

The Tony Tefler character and the Playpen magazine and empire are clearly based on Hugh Hefner and Playboy (duh!), and they lampoon both Hef’s old age and his dalliances with a series of younger women (seen most famously on The Girls Next Door show, but also pretty famous without the show.) In the beginning, Hefner arose from his magazine creation beginnings to become a free speech advocate, largely due to photographing naked women being considered obscene in many parts of the US back in the furious 50s. Playboy grew into a classy and hip thing that world-minded trendy people read while listening to jazz and hosting serious parties where the civil rights movement and women’s lib were discussed by people in berets. At least that is how I imagine the 60s and 70s, though there was probably awesome music and piles of drugs. Playboy even had their own TV show.

YOU vaccum the living room!

But the rise of the moral majority, Reagan’s America, the resurgance of conservatism, it threw that hip stuff out the window. In addition, there was also the rise of pornography, in the 70s porn films were playing in mainstream art house theaters. Things came crashing down, the rise of the video culture and late night cable took some of the wind out of the sails. Playboy became replaced by men’s mags such as Maxim and their copycats in the 90s, while at the same time they were losing out online as porn became freely available with but a click and a lie about being over 18. Playboy lost the innovation it had, it’s place as the figurehead for a movement eclipsed.

Is there a place for classy pictures in the age of internet pornography? I’m sure there is, but by not getting ahead of the game, Playboy is fighting an uphill battle. The reality show boosted their stock more than anything recently, but that ended like all good things must. And with it, Playboy’s current cultural impact. It remains to be seen what the future of Playboy will hold, especially as Hefner clocks up there in years and will eventually clock out. Playboy always hold a fond memory for millions of pervs around the world. I remember even buying an issue of Playboy for the article, an interview with Jesse Ventura right after he was elected governor.

On the guy’s shirt? Elvis!

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad hits all of the notes that critics of the Playboy brand have been hinting at. From the producer who wants to make more harder stuff, to the legions of ex-girlfriends of Hefner, to even Hef’s viagra usage, the points are all laid out. Fear not, as the film is not overly preachy, the Hefner character is even the victim, despite being portrayed in an unsympathetic light. If anything, that makes The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad more realistic than many episodes of Law & Order.

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad is another Synthetic Filmwerx joint! Werx it if you got it.

Occupy Teenie Weenie Bikini Street!

	Sandy Banner (Brandin Rackley) – The main investigator of The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, Sandy will always get her man in the end, even if it means he gets her in the end first!
	Jasmine St. James (Michelle Maylene) – The youngest member of the squad who is an expert at under cover and being under the covers. Becomes strangely excited about her undercover model career.
	Nikki Resnick (Kylee Nash) – The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad member most likely to believe Weekly World News headlines. Yeah, I made a reference to a dead publication in a review of a movie that mocks another dying publication. It’s called “being awesome”!
	Benny (Mike Gaglio) – The boss of the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, and a real slave driver. Benny needs to learn that there is a time for work and a time for vacation.
	Tef (Ted Newsom) – Tony “Tef” Tefler, owner of Playpen magazine and noted scumbag. But he’s a scumbag with money and bad things are happening against him, so he’s the client. Cue “The Client” appearing below his picture ala Burn Notice. I have said it before, and will say it again: Ted Newsom rules.
	Laura (Kelli McCarty) – Tef’s top photographer, former Playpen girl, and former flame. She both despises her former lover and wishes she had his attention again.
	Mo (Beverly Lynne) – All the best bartenders are named Mo(e). Another former Tef flame and Playpen girl who now works in an out of the way part of his empire, and is unacknowledged to her resentment.
	Frank Devlin (Evan Stone) – The jerk who manages the Playpen Club. He’s desperate to escape his contract with Tef to start his own hardcore company, but he’s stuck tight. Unless Playpen goes under…
	Rico Martinez (Tony Marino) – Oh. That guy.
	Burt (Nick Manning) – Frank’s goon who does his breaking and entering work. Also does entering work for explicit videos. High five, that was a joke worthy of an ALF rerun!
	Dancer (Jade Starr) – Are we human, or are we dancer?

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